Ha ha ha, sometimes there are Serious News Headlines that just make a person fall into fits of LOL-giggles, and Talking Points Memo has served one up! We were just clicking through our Facebook, or maybe our news reader, we cannot remember, we were drinking, and saw the news that “ISIS Bans Teaching Evolution In Schools.” Extremist terrorist Muslims and wingnut Christians, they are just like us each other!

The extremist-held Iraqi city of Mosul is set to usher in a new school year. But unlike years past, there will be no art or music. Classes about history, literature and Christianity have been “permanently annulled.”

The Islamic State group has declared patriotic songs blasphemous and ordered that certain pictures be torn out of textbooks.

Yeah, I know, that says nothing about banning evolution, we were worried that they were doing that thing some liberal blogs do lately, where the story does not match the headline AT ALL, but no, we kept reading, and then we got bored because TL;DR, so we hit Ctrl-F and typed “evolution,” and there it was:

The new curriculum even went so far as to explicitly ban Charles Darwin’s theory of evolution — although it was not previously taught in Iraqi schools.

Ha ha ha, it wasn’t even a current problem! The kids of Mosul were being taught good old-fashioned creationism already, Oklahoma and Alabama would have been so jealous if they weren’t so afear’d of the Muslims. But ISIS, just like those Kansas legislators who will save the kids from the scourge of liberal AP US “History,” is on TOP OF IT, because they know what happens when the liberal agenda is allowed to play out. Everybody goes gay, all the now gay ladies have gay abortions, the gay men have butt-bortions, and eventually the terrorists win (but not the ISIS terrorists, ISIS are not considered terrorists by ISIS).

Here is the sorta good news (aside from the fact that the city of Mosul is completely controlled by the murderous ISLAMIC TERRORIST assholes, god, wingnuts, are you happy? Obummer won’t call them ISLAMIC TERRORISTS but your Wonkette will, you love us now, give us moneys):

But instead of compliance, Iraq’s second largest city has — at least so far — responded to the Sunni militants’ demands with silence. Although the extremists stipulated that the school year would begin Sept. 9, pupils have uniformly not shown up for class, according to residents who spoke anonymously because of safety concerns. They said families were keeping their children home out of mixed feelings of fear, resistance and uncertainty.

“What’s important to us now is that the children continue receiving knowledge correctly, even if they lose a whole academic year and an official certification,” a Mosul resident who identified himself as Abu Hassan told The Associated Press, giving only his nickname for fear of reprisals. He and his wife have opted for home schooling, picking up the required readings at the local market.

So, hurray for that pushback, we guess, man oh man, we do not want to go down that rabbit hole of “Huh maybe if Dubya hadn’t freedomed us into Iraq in the first place, it wouldn’t have set off the chain of events that has led this group of rabid thugs to be able to set up shop and behead an entire region,” so we won’t.

We are sure that wingnuts are preemptively bitching up a storm about “this DOES NOT EITHER mean we are like ISIS, we behead NO ONE (yet)!”, because we know how wingnuts are, they are babies and will not own their fucked up ideology. If you want to see what they are saying, I dunno, check World Net Daily or go swim in Jim Hoft’s putrid filth for a little while, we don’t care.

The parallels are already out there, everybody is noticing them, and they are HI-larious. David Atkins has luckily summed up those parallels for us, all tied up with a bow:

Hate evolution? check.

Hate sexually liberated and empowered women? Check.

Love guns and hate gays? Check.

Hate big liberal government? Check.

Believe that society should be organized according to religious principles and that secular people should have no right to curtail religious “freedom”? Check.

Want to empower down-home rural principles against those corrupt city bubble dwellers? Check.

Believe in eye-for-an-eye retributive justice? Check.

Love to sport big Duck Dynasty-style beards? Check.

And yes, whiny-ass American wingnuts, we are fully aware that you do not behead folks, congratulations on that, you have won the “Never Beheaded A Dude For Anything” Boy Scout patch, just for being alive. But we must remind you that part of how extremist movements like ISIS are able to progress to the “beheading” stage is that there is a lawless, libertarian vacuum present, which allows for the most extremist, crazy motherfuckers to come right in and force everybody to do things THEIR way. We also know that most American extremist wingnuts probably don’t want to behead anybody in the first place (too lazy, Duck Dynasty is about to come on), but there are crazies among them who might want to shoot people a whole bunch of times. The reason such movements don’t progress that far in the good ole US of A is because we live in a liberal, secular democracy where you simply couldn’t get away with it. Remember the Civil War? Did not go so well for the insurgents!

So, ha ha ha, dumb wingnuts, the very thing you hate (the liberal secular democracy) is the thing protecting you from being ISISed, right in your mouth, we are sorry if that makes us giggle a bit.

[Talking Points Memo]

Donate with CCDonate with CC
Previous articleCongressjerk Darrell Issa So Grateful Rudy Giuliani Finally Impugned Obama’s Patriotism
Next articleThe Fartknocker Report: Healthcare.Gov Causes Sarah Palinception