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Always take this guy's advice

Is Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker one of those maybe presidential contenders for 2016 we’re supposed to take seriously? It’s so hard to tell. He certainly seems to think so. He’s been visiting the right states and giving the right speeches and raising the right money and hating on the right groups, like women and unions and students and voters. And Rush Limbaugh said on his radio show Thursday that Walker is “a real candidate,” which proves it, right?

But then Walker opens his mouth and says words that make it damn near impossible to understand why we should take him any more seriously than, say, Ben “I’m Not A Medical Doctor Oh Wait Yes I Am” Carson. Like, for example, Walker decided to “punt” on whether evolution is real, which obligated liberals and comedians everywhere to make ALL the jokes about how maybe he dropped out of college before he got to take Yes Evolution Is Real 101. Because Scott Walker really is a college drop-out, and we look forward to many more jokes about that in the next two years.

Fortunately for Walker, Rush Limbaugh has the perfect explanation Walker should offer when asked, “Hey, why didn’t you finish college, and does that in some way explain why you seem to hate teachers and education so much because gosh, you’re always trying to cut education funding and dump on teachers, and it’s almost as if you do not value education at all, HUH WEIRD?”

Apparently, Rush dropped out of the University of Southeast Missouri during his freshman year — oh yeah, he’s also a college drop-out, so he speaks from experience on this — “after refusing to take ballroom dance taught by a lesbian drill sergeant.” True story, he assures us, so we’re guessing it’s probably not. So if he were running for president, and someone asked him why he did not finish college, he wouldn’t tell that riveting tale. No, he’d have a much more cleverer response, which he highly recommends Walker try out himself:

I left college because I didn’t want to be accused of rape some day.

Oh. Well, yes, that is some excellent advice. Who could possibly take issue with that? Besides everyone, as Rush Limbaugh knows.

Now he can’t say that, of course, but I mean, that’s — just ram it right down their throats. They’re trying to create this rape culture on campus. “Well, I quit because I didn’t want to be accused of rape down the road. It seems like any man that goes to college could randomly be accused of committing rape. And whether the story is true or not doesn’t matter to people who write the stories, may not have gotten it right — we know it happens! So I wanted to remove myself from this culture that might have turned me into a very mean guy.”

And just see what they say. Cram what they believe right down their throats.

Oh yes. Please do that, Scott Walker. Please explain to the American electorate, as you make your case that your stellar governing of Wisconsin makes you the most qualified Republican to drive the whole country into a ditch, that the reason you dropped out of college is because you didn’t want the so-called campus rape culture to make you a meanie. It’s not like that would sound any more ridiculous than punting on evolution, and then saying, “I’d rather be bland than stupid or ignorant or moronic.” Lucky for Walker, he doesn’t even have to choose! It’s a both/and world, Scottie.

So yes, we’d love to see him take Limbaugh’s advice and ram and cram rape culture down our throats, hahahaha, to make the over-educated liberal elites stop asking why he is a college drop-out. What could go wrong?

[Media Matters/ABC News]

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