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Illinois now, basically

  • Republican gazillionaire and super-expensive wine enthusiast Bruce Rauner has a long history of being a total jerk-faced jerk, even though he has only been governor of Illinois for about five and half seconds. But high five for this one, gov:

    In a move that surprised advocates of the medical marijuana program, Gov. Bruce Rauner’s administration on Monday announced it would issue most of the coveted licenses to grow and sell the medical product.

    The move came amid fears Rauner would take months to determine who should be awarded the new state licenses.

    Patients and medical marijuana advocates lauded the governor for taking swift action on the licenses, allowing the medical marijuana program to gain momentum.

    Are we shocked? Yes, we are. We have said many mean things about Rauner and called him many names — and don’t you worry, we undoubtedly will again — but on this one and only issue, at least, we are going to give him some credit for Doing The Right Thing and not standing in the way of allowing the state’s medical marijuana program to proceed. The law went into effect in January — of last year — but it has yet to do much good for anyone at all whatsoever, on account of how the last administration failed to issue any of the necessary licenses. One might have expected the new governor to also be all, like, “Sorry, there’s all this paperwork and some technical difficulties, shrug.” But nope. Licenses have been issued, allowing the state to move forward and get some doobies into the hands of some patients who need ’em.

  • Chris Geidner at Buzzfeed tells us about that time Nancy Reagan didn’t give a damn that Rock Hudson was dying of AIDS:

    As Hudson lay deathly ill in the hospital, his publicist, Olson, sent a desperate telegram to the Reagan White House pleading for help with the transfer.

    “Only one hospital in the world can offer necessary medical treatment to save life of Rock Hudson or at least alleviate his illness,” Olson wrote. Although the commanding officer had denied Hudson admission to the French military hospital initially, Olson wrote that they believed “a request from the White House … would change his mind.”
    First Lady Nancy Reagan turned down the request.

  • Jeb Bush, burned:

    A gay couple from Portland, Oregon who call themselves “tech bears” thought they’d do a little internet speculation back in 2008, and bought something presidential candidate Jeb Bush may soon want very badly: the rights to use JebBushForPresident.com. […]

    C.J. and Charlie say they have already received offers for the site, but they have turned them down. They want to use it for the good of the LGBT community.

  • Best Foods — or as you east-of-the-Rockies types call it Hellman’s — may have changed its recipe — for the worse. According to an email from parent company Unilever:

    In March, to improve the stability and quality of our Real mayonnaise products, Hellmann’s has slightly increased the sodium level. This ensures a consistent high quality product throughout the product’s 9 month shelf life.

    Mmm, more sodium. Yummy! At least it’s not goblin cum.

  • Budweiser has a new ad priding itself on being cheap crappy beer and hipster-punching people who do not like cheap crappy beer. Sigh. At least this take-down is a great read:

    First, we have the statement of “Budweiser, proudly a macro beer.” There’s so much just in this sentence. We’ve called Budweiser and the like “macro” beer as an opposite term to the “micro” breweries – and have used it in a derogatory sense for some time. But, much like oppressed cultures can take back words and re-claim them as their own (for instance, the term “gay” in the GLBT community has been reclaimed as a sense of pride instead of a slur). In this instance, AB-InBev seems to be similarly standing by this term. They’re saying, “We’re happy to be large, we’re happy to have shiny, big tanks that are better than yours.” […]

    We’ve got a “them” here that’s treated as other. It’s now clear that the “them” is the craft beer drinker. Let those hipster idiots “fuss” over and “dissect” their beer. AB is telling you things that are reassuring to anyone remotely insecure about their masculinity. The brand says, “You’re not geeky like that. You’re not going to drink a pumpkin peach ale, are you?” Now, this brings gender back into the picture, too. I think this is also calling out the apparent non-manliness of the craft beer drinker. The above examples have been thin, white, pale, hipster like men, and have been wearing sweaters and pondering their beers in the imagery. Are they the types that would drink a disgusting-sounding pumpkin peach ale? Of course they are. The ad is whispering, “Are you the type of person that would drink a pumpkin peach ale? Of course not. Because you’re not a frou-frou geek, are you? No. You’re a man.” And if you were the type that would try a pumpkin peach ale, you’ve already been outed as “them.”

  • Looking for the latest bewb tube shenanigans and snarky recaps of your favorite teevee shows? Go show some love to our gone-but-not-forgotten kid sister Happy Nice Time People. And be sure to follow Happy Nice Time People on Twitter.
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