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The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented by Fartknocker

It’s October, and in just a couple weeks, a depressingly small percentage of Americans will vote for a new Congress. Sarah Palin’s out on the campaign trail, makin’ darned sure that the whitest and rightest midterm voters pull the lever for the Republican Party’s vision of a plutocratic, latter-day know-nothing non-government. Sure, she might be stumping for two candidates who are in serious trouble, but that’s why she quit governoring Alaska, so she could serve as the cavalry in pivotal moments like this one.

Palin fired up her campaign snow machine and drove it on down to Independence, Kansas, “or as Barack Obama would say, ‘flyover country.'” She was there to flip pancakes for embattled Republican incumbent Pat Roberts, who is somehow managing to maybe lose as a Republican in a Kansas midterm. Palin told Kansans they should support Roberts because reasons:

You know what it’s going to take for America to be saved, and that is, that Republican Party bein’ strong there.

He’s pro-ANWR, pro-life, pro-gun, he — you got a lot of bitter clingers and wingers around here, don’t you? I’m proud to be with ’em!

[Applause]

Having won over the hearts and minds of hard-workin’, conservative-values-valuin’ Kansans, Palin continued south to pitch the terrifying “REE-TIRED COLONEL ROB MANESS” to the swamp folk of Louisiana. Maness is challenging incumbent Democrat Mary Landrieu, but thanks to Louisiana’s weird, dumb jungle primary system, his candidacy might actually prolong Landrieu’s political life by preventing Congressman Bill Cassidy from attaining an outright majority and thus avoiding a Dec. 6 runoff. You wacky Cajuns with your insane election rules, what are we even gonna do with you guys!

Anyway, Palin went down to the bayou and plated up untold chafing dishes of fried alligator, and Maness gave her a commemorative coin for all the hard work she’s done for the country.

What a fun trip Sarah had! We hope she writes more about it in her family’s annual Christmas letter, and don’t even try to call it a “holiday letter,” libruls, there’s a reason for the season.

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, presented by Fartknocker, was brought to you by Fartknocker.

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