It's th' Pink Pony of the Apocalypse! Run for Your Lives!

Hope you enjoyed your Blood Moon this morning — it’s a sign of the Apocalypse! So is the fact that our morning bagel showed us a vision of Satan gnawing on the bones of the damned. But that could just say more about the quality of bagels available in Boise.

In any case, you’ll be delighted to know that yet another Very Serious Bible Researcher has found incontrovertible evidence that Barack Obama is The Antichrist, or — just so all bases are covered — a precursor to the Antichrist. Only this isn’t just some wacko who looks at Obama and says, yup, tyrannical overlord, has to be the Antichrist. No, this analyst, Jonathan Wright, used the tools of science — that is, the “Bible Code,” which as we all know from website ads is an infallible means of unlocking the hidden meaning of the Bible to get rich and predict the future! Oh, sure, some people try to debunk the Bible Code, but it’s totes reliable — just ask the pastor who used it to become a millionaire! Or President Mitt Romney, whose election in 2012 was foretold by the Bible Code.

Mr. Wright explained his research on Obama’s definite Antichristicality to fundagelical podcaster Rick Wiles, who has never heard a crazy idea he didn’t like. For instance, it’s not just the Bible Code that proves Obama’s the Antichrist — it’s also his fake gay Muslim wedding ring, which is an absolutely true thing:

Wiles: So either Barack Obama is the Man of Sin, commonly known as the Antichrist, the Bible doesn’t say ‘Antichrist’ it says ‘Man of Sin.’
Wright: That’s right.
Wiles: Either Barack Obama is the Man of Sin or he is strongly connected to the Man of Sin or the spirit of Antichrist.
Wright: That’s right. Those are my only — I’ve tried to look at this as an investigation not with an agenda, by the way, but what I’ve come up with those have to be the possibilities. Let’s just face it, he’s got a ring on that says, ‘There’s no God but Allah and Mohammad is his Messenger.’ Now, by definition, that’s Antichrist.

But besides narrowing down the search for the Antichrist to the world’s 1.6 billion Muslims, plus any black president one thinks might be a Muslim, Wright also searched out the Bible Code connections between the names “Obama” and satanic terms like “Beelzebub,” “Lucifer,” “the Beast,” and “Hayley Mills in The Parent Trap,” and found amazing correlations every single time! And did you know that Obama’s armored limousine is nicknamed “The Beast”???? It’s almost as if some smartass in the Secret Service went trolling with that one.

And if you needed any more proof, because you are some kind of skeptic who learned critical thinking even though you attended a school in Texas, this should clinch it for sure: Remember that one time a fly landed on Obama and he just cold swatted it? Well that is probably proof that Obama is connected to Satan, too!

“And there’s always the photos that you see everywhere with the flies landing on his face,” Wright told Wiles, “I can show you in the codes where he’s got a strong connection to the Lord of the Flies, Beelzebub.”

“I call him Beelze-lip,” Wiles added. “Because he had those flies stuck to his lip.”

Yr Wonkette has also received unconfirmed reports that Obama killed Piggy so he could control the conch, but we must caution that we are waiting for further analysis from Dr. Jerome Corsi, PhD.

Also, too, Mr. Wright was very careful to point out that he has “nothing against” Obama, because doing Bible Science is not a matter of injecting your personal opinion — he’s just reporting the facts as he finds them:

“I really didn’t want the American president to be ‘the AC’ or the Man of Sin, it just looks like he’s the forerunner and we’re not looking for a needle in a stack of needles by the way.”

Thank goodness for the objectivity of science! Why, if people could just look at the Bible and take out any crazy message they think is in there, that would be chaos, now wouldn’t it?


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  • Everhope

    Say! So do I!

  • Everhope

    That tatt should go on his neck just above his shirt collar. Because Jesus.

  • Darren Snakeman

    Wait. Maybe a Veep is the AntiChrist. Be might be a reptile man.

  • Gilbert Lay

    that Irish Red would be his devil and when they turned to homosexual degeneracy
    it hurt the Father much.

    The 7 Heads of Barak Insane
    Obama are as Follows:

    1. Head of the Black Man,
    Afro-American and believes he represents and knows the suffering of all people
    of color. Billions are his followers.

    2. Head of the White Man; He
    has learned to be and think like the Caucasians, and uses his knowledge of civilized
    man to cross racial lines and barriers.

    3. Muslim training and
    schooling is locked deep inside his mind and it links him to his first head, by
    blood and by faith.

    4. Christian by the False
    Church and it is broken into subcategories; A. The CBN False Church that has
    for decades used lies and deceit to fatten the pocketbooks of the priests and ministers;
    the Pat Robertson’s, Joyce Myers and Jim Bakers. B. The False Churches of
    Idolatry and Vanity, Protestants, Methodists, and Episcopalians who were first
    to accept homosexual degeneracy as a civil right. They are only Christian when
    it is convenient, the socially acceptable Christians. C. The False Church of
    Afro-America; the Jesse Jacksons, the Al Sharpton’s and Jerimiah Wrights who
    preach hate and blame. If they were found in a Muslim majority they would
    quickly convert to Islam and they like Mohammad Ali once said “I will not
    worship a god with blonde hair and blue eyes;” conjure up a black Jesus because
    they are racists and barbarians.

    5. The Head of Communism; He
    learned to accept socialism, a belief that income disparity and equal rights
    begins at the work place; to tax the rich and force charity through government
    mandate. To force all men to the Middle Class based on the barbarian simple
    logic “An equal piece of the pie for all.” He flagrantly justifies socialism
    and ignores the prima facie fact that a system based on higher taxes will
    evolved yearly to even higher taxes and eventually degrade into full blown
    communist slavery.(As is being proved right now with European Union Austerity
    tax hikes).

    6. World Liberalism; To
    justify destroying two thousand years of civilization that has risen
    free-enterprise and religious moral values to the pedestal it sits he offers
    what has only been tolerated by the majority with family values, sexual
    liberation taken to a new place so that when he destroys everything godly he
    can rely on his army of liberals to applaud him. This is his head that was wounded and healed;
    his homosexual lovers were bent to expose and ‘Out” him in 2008. And it would
    have cost him the election, but those voices were silenced. Those that would
    have killed his chance to the presidency were rumored to have been killed
    themselves. “And I saw one of his heads as it were wounded to death; and deadly
    wound was healed.” (Revelation 13-3)

    7. The Head of Idolatry and
    Vanity. Six heads need a Regulator, and Idolatry is the universal control of
    those who worship the flesh; in its own right he uses this head to manipulate
    all the other heads. With this head he commanded the children of Israel to
    build and worship the Golden Calf and to turn to sexual degeneration; now he
    commands the world to worship homosexual degeneration and diversity is his new
    golden calf. This is the Control Head.

    In ancient times most people
    were of one head; they were of the same country, ethnicity, religion and
    politics. When a Greek married a Jew and bore children the spawns were
    sometimes raised to have two languages and cultures. When debating the affairs
    of the world these two headed men could conjure up convoluted and misunderstood
    hybrid logic that sometimes left them known as two headed monsters of reason.
    The concept of someone having multiple ancestry and culture was considered an
    ancient science fiction story. God the Father knew that 2,000 years of race,
    religion and culture integration

    would create the 7 headed
    beast; a well-placed mathematical prediction. They were called “Half-Breeds”
    and were vilified more than those who were of pure ethnicity.

    “And I stood upon the sand of
    the sea, and I saw a beast rise up out of the sea.” (Revelation 13) Obama rose
    from the sea, he hails from Hawaii and that is a place of the sea.

    “And it was given unto him to
    make war with the Saints, and to overcome them.” (Rev. 13-7) Since Obama
    started his homosexual degeneracy as a right several of the great churches have
    fallen; all of the above mentioned in Head 4 and even the Catholic Church fell
    from grace when Pope Francis the Last Pope by Saint Malachy the prophet; Francis
    spoke of “Tolerance” for sexual degeneration, baby murdering abortion,
    communism and atheism. He as a new Pope didn’t realize that the left would use
    anything he says as “Propaganda” and they did just that. However even the
    Anti-Pope can repent and it appears the Catholics are shoring up their faith. But
    Obama represents an Army of Communists, Atheists, and Liberals that are
    designed to destroy all religions; and Francis sins by accepting the Cuba deal.
    It is a dishonor to all good and godly men who died in the Korean War, Vietnam
    and the Cold War fighting communism. And the lie by Obama that 50 years of
    embargo did nothing is proven by the fact that many South and Central American
    countries avoided communism those last 50 years, knowing that if they took
    communism they would suffer a similar fate as Cuba.-Proof of the lair Obama.

    The 2nd Coming of
    Israel marks the sign of the last generation before Armageddon and Gods return;
    and it has been 67 years this last May since Israel was reborn. (Zechariah 14:

    RULE FROM THE TOP. “And power was given him over all kindred, tongues and
    nations.” (Rev. 13:7) He will rule from the most powerful, not the second or

    Global Warming the 2nd
    great end-times prophesy fulfilled. (Rev.16:8-9, and 16:12) “Upon the sun, and
    it was given to it to scorch men with a fierce heat.” “And the river Euphrates
    was dried up to prepare the way for the kings of the east.” Even now the False
    Churches deride global warming because it contradicts their ability to tell
    people what they want to hear. But if you believe in global warming then you
    now have the timeline fulfilled in the Book of Revelation, which is where we are
    right now.

    (Luke 21) “But when you see Jerusalem
    surrounded by Armies then know its desolation has come near.” The “Abomination
    of Desolation” or when Israel is made uninhabitable by nuclear bomb. The
    Anti-Christ has turned his back on Israel and made alliance with the likes of
    Iran and other Muslims. “And the beast will doeth great wonder so that he make
    fire rain down from the heavens.” “Rev 13) But Israel will not be subdued and
    they will return 10 nuclear missiles for every one sent. But it will be by the
    hand of Obama that nuclear fire will rain on man. And for all this Obama will
    take a 3rd term. ‘And power was given unto him to “continue” 42
    months.” (Rev.13:5) Or a 3rd term, which means Obama must have one
    of the Big Three Book of Revelation Prophesies fulfilled before November 2016.
    Only nuclear war would cause the election to be suspended. So 15 months more of
    loud mouth liberals and their false gods and idolatry, and then the Word of God
    will come again.

    “Then a 2nd
    portent appeared in heaven; a great dragon was there: Fiery Red with 7 heads”
    (Revelation 12:3) And Obama of mixed
    race has a very distinct red face tinge; he has the face of the Red Haired, Red
    Faced Irish; and being a known communist he fulfills the metaphor “Red

    FRANCIS! He’s not the Anti-Christ and not really the Anti-Pope, instead it must
    be the Lunatic Pope. The prophesy of Saint Malachy has made Francis insane.
    After all man cannot cure global warming without the hand of God.

    And now we know that John Kerry is the 2
    Headed Beast the will make great miracles of a false peace.

    And one more on the False
    Church of CBN, their False Prophetess Teresa Garcia keeps saying that Russia
    will be the Anti-Christ that makes war with Israel; yet it is Ukraine that is
    joining the Revised Roman Empire aka the European Union. It is the EU that is
    on Expansionist mode and seeks out new countries as members. It is the EU that
    has sanctions against Russia and refuses Israel membership unless Palestine is
    free. And the EU is led by Germany who started World War One and Two; Germany
    who persecuted the Jews. Germany who leads the EU from the pocketbook. The most
    despicable communists from the fallen Soviet Union and the likes of the German
    Communist Red Brigade are now working for World Socialism via the EU; they will
    be the death on Israel’s doorstep, not Russia. As Russians showed the world
    their true nature when they ended the most powerful government in the world,
    the Soviet Union; and they did it without a Revolution or Civil War. Russia
    wants peace and Putin may prove to be the New Constantine.

    And to those that say the 7 Headed Red Dragon and 7 Headed
    Beast are two separate beasts. They are both of the, as the Pleiadians say
    created humans from lizard DNA. Or as the Annunaki text say the 2nd
    subspecies of humans created to serve the first. Those who are truly of Christ
    know that God the Father is an Astronaut King and He didn’t create the infinite
    universe; and so the Bible isn’t without flaws. There are many 7 headed beasts
    in the world today but only one rules from the most powerful country or
    America. “Man was created in the image of God” proof that God is a human being
    millions of years ahead of us and not the creator of the universe.

    In the Name of Jesus Christ I command the Holy Spirit of God
    to come out of the False Church of CBN and serve Truth and Justice the true
    Word of God the Father. It’s been too long that the Holy Spirit has served the
    False Church only because they sing praises to God and Christ and do
    well-mannered prayers. I command the Holy Spirit to all who read my words so
    that they know that Christ is Risen from the Dead by the Hand of the Astronaut
    God and Father Jehovah Elohim, the Creator of Life Everlasting for Earth
    Humans, but not the creator of the infinite universe. It is time now for the
    truth to be heard. The Thieves of the Temple at CBN must soon see their castle
    fall. Amen.


    Obama is indeed that not so nice man of sin, the Seat of Zeus confirms it. Furthermore, all those whom have made a freaking fortune = money + money + money + great wealth by threatening lots of weak gullible folks with that dark evil side of your (believe in me or else?) Religion a.k.a Hell & Damnation, honestly don’t ever wanna see this Jesus character return? Hell, that one sobering event could mean the end of that scrumptious easy living many are so spoiled with like FOREVER….

    Gone that Beverly Hills Mansion with all the cool trimmings, if he is spotted in the clouds over Jerusalem…

    Gone is that brand new Mercedes SL36 Limited Edition that you have only drove a couple of time thus far, if he sets his Holy feet on the ~ Mount of Olives…

    Yelp, and that tall as a mountain idol made out of metal, glass and stone downtown ? GONE BYE BYE TOO …

  • Felix Ray

    Count the letters:

    Ronald Wilson Reagan

    Obviously, Reagan is the antichrist. I know he’s dead, but I’m sure the Koch brothers are working on having him cloned.

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