Yesterday, we had a sad because The New York Times reported that the late Sen. Daniel K. Inouye was the unnamed senator who grabbed Kirsten Gillibrand’s stomach and warned her not to lose any more weight, because “I like my girls chubby.” But today, we’re much less worried that the deceased senator from Hawaii and WW II hero was the responsible party. Not because any new information has surfaced, but simply because Joe Scarborough and Mika Brzezinski have decided they just don’t believe it, since Daniel Inouye obviously wouldn’t have done that.
Thrill as the two MSNBC morning show hosts sift through the evidence:
“I think that I remember getting pinched by Strom Thurmond and thinking it’s Strom Thurmond,” Morning Joe host Mika Brzezinski said. “I don’t know —I don’t buy it. I don’t think it was him. I’m sorry.”
“You don’t buy that?” Joe Scarborough responded.
“I don’t buy that,” Brzezinski said. “May I say that?”
“So you think somebody on her staff’s trying to blame the dead guy so they don’t like, starting asking the live guy?” Scarborough asked.
“Come on, don’t put this on me. Do you buy it?” Brzezinski asked.
“No I don’t buy it for a second,” Scarborough said.
Now, lest you think that this exoneration is little more than an exercise in uninformed denial based on nothing whatsoever, pffft. Mika consulted with Scarborough and panelist Willie Geist for the definitive opinion on a dead senator who they knew could not be capable of grabbing a lady’s midsection and opining on her weight (based on whether they would do such a thing, which is a reliable standard to use when speculating on other people’s behavior):
“Do you buy it Willie?,” Brzezinski said. “Would either of you feel comfortable grabbing my tummy right now? Would that be appropriate?
When both gentlemen agreed that they wouldn’t dream of violating MSNBC’s sexual harassment policy by doing such a thing, Brzezinski declared the case closed:
“And that’s by the way, part of the process. Making sure that nobody can do that and if they do you call them out. Sorry,” Brzezinski said.
We can hardly wait to get started on our scholarly vindication of Charles Lindbergh, because we always admired him until we found out about that whole anti-Semitic cozying up to the Nazis thing. But now that we’re quite certain that we’d never do such a thing, we’re pretty sure it’s time to clear Lucky Lindy’s name.