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The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented by Fartknocker

Touch of context for those who are new to this series: a Wonkette commenter named Fartknocker ponied up the cash for us to get a subscription to Sarah Palin’s Internet Teevee Channel. The aim of this series is to allow the Wonketariat to snicker at Palin’s new thingy without ever exposing yrselves to the harmful gamma radiation emitted by the Sarah Palin Channel. You are welcome.

On this week’s Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, presented by Fartknocker, our heroine cooks up some down-home griftin’, served in a skillet with a wedge of lemon and a big pat of butter. We’re in Sarah’s kitchen because she has a dinner guest, and the guest is Joel Pollak, the editor-in-chief of Still Dead Andrew Breitbart’s Word Factory For The Dim And Uninteresting. Joel is here to talk about his new book, Wacko Birds: The Fall (and Rise) of the Tea Party, a book that is “a must-read for commonsense conservatives and patriots of all parties,” according to Sarah Palin’s blurb on the dust jacket.

Palin informs us that part of their meal is “halibut that Willow caught down in Homer — she had to club it” (wouldn’t a big serving of pollock have been perfect?), and then she and Pollak engage in a wide-ranging conversation that includes this fun look at What The Kids Are Doing.

Joel Pollak: …when you look at how Barack Obama emerged, he kind of emerged simultaneously with Facebook, and he was a Facebook candidate. They crowd-sourced the Obama campaign, in a sense — he was whatever Facebook users wanted him to be.

Sarah Palin and mother Sarah Heath (off-camera): Oh, yeah that’s right, mm-hmm.

Joel Pollak (cont.): People could sort of fill that blank space. Today on the radio, they were talking about Snapchat, this new social media thing where you can send someone a picture and then it gets erased after a few seconds.[…] and NPR was trying to explain to its audience what this company does, because they know that everybody over 21 doesn’t know what this is.[…] See, you could almost say that Hillary Clinton will be a Snapchat candidate, because she wants to make her past disappear!

Sarah Palin: Oh sure! Oh man, that’s gonna make a good sound bite, right there, too. Okay! That’s good!

The title of Pollak’s book is a reference to Senator Walnuts‘ criticism of the Tea Party, and you can almost see the hackles rising underneath Palin’s Bumpit when the conversation briefly touches on her former running mate. “I’m not even gonna ask you where you got the term ‘wacko birds,'” Palin says while rolling her eyes, because Sarah Palin will be dead in the rapidly melting permafrost before she misses a chance to remind people of that time when John McCain fucked up her chance at being Vice President.

Pollak blah-blah-blahs for a while about why everyone should buy his book, BORING. Sarah waits her turn, and then talks about how it “baffles” her that those in party leadership, “the machine,” would ever push back against some of the Tea Party’s “common sense” demands. At this point, we actually traveled back in time to our 11th-grade English class, where we found ourselves raising our hand. Our teacher called on us, and we said that perhaps the narrator’s own experiences with party leadership parallel what she’s saying about the Tea Party right now, and our English teacher patted us on the pointiest part of our head. Pollak agrees wholeheartedly with Palin, in part because dinner is almost ready and he is so very hungry.

Just before dinner is served there’s also this moment, which has no parallel in Palin’s own experience with Katie Couric.

Palin: Yeah, but those comin’ out, I think, Penelope Cruz and them, it’s — they don’t know what they’re talkin’ about, and you can read that into their statements. Ya haven’t…ya haven’t studied up, girl.

And then dinner is on the table, come ‘n git it! First Dude Todd has tucked in his t-shirt, because the Palins have company and how many times are he and Sarah going to have this conversation, hmm? Our video closes with the family praying before their meal, which we imagine was both delicious and exhausting.

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, presented by Fartknocker, was brought to you by Fartknocker.

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  • KenRob

    Too high – she’s a -.00

  • KenRob

    Ah, but Sharks are extremely intelligent. They’d know enough to avoid eating something so toxic. Darn.

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