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The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented by Fartknocker

This is the third in a series of posts made by possible by a generous contribution from The Fartknocker Institute for Sarah Palin Studies.

The Sarah Palin Channel continues to take the conservative derp-o-sphere by storm, with her recent jeremiad against Elizabeth Warren settling the minimum wage debate once and for all. With that taken care of, Palin turned her attention to the Kenyan usurper Barack Obama’s obvious impeachable offenses, what with the czars and the decrees and the lawlessness.

In a post titled “Answering Your Questions from Facebook,” Palin swings for the fences on the first pitch.

“First up! This one caught my attention — Marsha Dodd asks, ‘Are you as afraid of what Obama is doing to our country as we are? Do you think he will be held accountable for the illegal things he has done?'”

Palin’s response is boilerplate wingnut, but the High Huckster of the Mat-Su Valley flashes her marketing acumen in the same segment, just before making Yr Wonkette’s head explode.

“More and more Americans are opening their eyes. And we have more and more opportunities now, like this channel, where we’re gonna be able to shake it up! And tell people, ‘Go around the mainstream media that are lapdogs for Obama,’ and, in their own complicit way, basically allowing the lawlessness? Mmm, things like releasing, uh, terrorists from Gitmo without Congressional approval? […] Go around them, go around those filters. Come here, come to other conservative sites, independent sites and, um, publications and shows, talk radio, all those things that the radical left just hate about us. This new social media, this is what’s going to allow people to keep the faith, because we’re about truth. We’re gonna tell you the truth, Marsha, and I know that you’ll be able then, relaying the truth back to us, and to those whom you are surrounded by and with.”

And thus America will become a giant truth circle, with the true believers receiving their weekly truth allotments from Mama Grizzly’s word hole, and then spitting them back into Mama Grizzly’s mouth like she’s a baby bird, because who are you to tell Sarah Palin she can’t be both a bear and a bird?

Where were we? Ah yes, the lawless regime of the Dusky-Hued Other. How ’bout that crisis on the border, you guys? Sarah Palin casts a pox on all available houses, including the White House, the houses of Congress, and whatever house the lamestream media lives in. In a post titled “No Vacation for Border Crisis,” Palin cites a Washington Post article as proof that Obama knew about the border crisis before the 2012 election and that HE LIED, even though that’s not what the Post’s story says.

Palin also has some harsh tsk-tsking for Congress, which, in her opinion, failed to scrutinize the Department of Health and Human Services’ request for a larger budget. A quick look at the HHS budget request would reveal that those increases were for wasteful big-government programs like “the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention,” and “substance abuse treatment,” but Palin knows what the extra money was REALLY for: to fund the invasion of brown children who will forever vote-fraud the Dummycrats into office.

Palin’s also concerned that this Obama feller is all alone in Washington during the August congressional recess:

“What’s the President going to do while the boys are out of town? Like, y’know, that old saying, ‘When the cat’s away, the mice will play?’ The cat being Congress.”

In case that wasn't clear.

Thank you for that clarification, Governor. What about the role of the press?

“The press, complicit! They didn’t push on this issue. Ahh — called your bluff.”

For all intensive purposes, Palin does not seem to understand how to use the phrase “called your bluff.” Yr Wonkette believes she is simply begging the question, but we will forgive her, because Palin is a wordsmith of great statue.

Palin does, however, offer a prescription for the discredited Washington Post, which she saw fit to cite as a trusted source less than five minutes earlier.

“I challenge the Washington Post to do what you did 40-some years ago with the Watergate issue. You doggedly pursued this trail that led to proof of wrongdoing in the White House. I challenge you — get your reputation back, the reputation of the media en masse, really, is what you could do […] Do what you did to Nixon.”

DO IT, WaPo! Get Woodward and Bernstein a couple Hoverounds and sic ’em on the B. Hussein Nobummer!

This week’s Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report (Presented by Fartknocker) concludes with Sarah wishing her parents a happy anniversary. In her “Happy 53rd Anniversary, Mom & Dad!” post, Palin opines that the key to her parents’ marriage is a sense of humor.

Sarah: I think my dad’s key to this happy marriage for 53 years, he would tell you is…hey, Todd, what’s that bumper sticker that he has on his truck?

Todd: Uh, I can’t remember.

Sarah: [beleaguered sigh, eye roll]

Bookmark this page, Wonketeers, because this GIF of Sarah Palin rolling her eyes at the First Dude is for you.

Oh Todd!

See? We watch so you don’t have to.

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, presented by Fartknocker, was brought to you by Fartknocker.

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