We sure got a kick last week out of Timothy Ray Murray, the totally reasonable Oklahoma Republican whose primary opponent, dastardly Frank Lucas, stole the election by dying and cleverly having himself replaced by an android. That’s a new one! Actually, no, that’s not really a new one, as anybody who has read Philip K. Dick knows. GOP simulacra? Heck, I’ve been writing about the labor-saving, Disneytronic Condibot for years! “We know that it is possible to use look alike artificial or manmade replacements,” Murray calmly avers on his OUTSTANDING website, “however Rep. Lucas was not eligible to serve as a Congressional Member after that time.” But Mr. Murray! There’s nothing in The Constitution™ that says that! If the android were thirty and “born” in the USA, heck, the sky’s the limit!
And so what if Rep. Frank Lucas is a replicant? Club for Growth and the Koch Brothers are probably meeting as we speak: “We can make them faster, stronger… gaffe-proof!” Sounding better and better guys, amiright? But would it really be an advantage? I’m thinking there would be ups and downs (controlled by pneumatic servos). Join me after the jump to explore this important topic!
- Democratic Alabama state representative has just about HAD IT with his colleagues across the aisle taunting DANGER, JOHN ROBINSON! DANGER!
- Tea Party caucus surrounds Nancy Pelosi, chanting EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE*!
- “I may not,” Ted Cruz admits, “injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm. Unless it’s a Kenyan Socialist.”
- Buddies Ann Wagner (R-MO) at 6′, and Michele Bachmann (R-MN) at 5’2″, giving off a distinctly C3PO/R2D2 vibe.
- “All our Second Amendment rights will be lost,” warns Mike Lee (R-UT) “like… tears… in… rain.“
- When Sarah Palin remains motionless for several minutes on air, Sean Hannity calls for a technician: “Her actions wound down,” he explains. Now gesticulating wildly, she says, “Freedom, too, also! Ribbet! BBBBBBBBB!” “You idiots!” an exasperated Hannity screams, “Now it’s her thoughts! Can’t you just wind them BOTH up at the same time?”
- John Boehner positively insists on being called “Astro Boehner.”
- Barack Obama reacts to a particularly inane comment from Mitch McConnell. “Domo arigato, Mitch,” he deadpans.
- After Harry Reid (D-NV) “accidentally” rips off Roy Blunt’s (R-MO) face, milky fluid burbles from its mouth.
- “Resistance,” intones new Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy, “is futile.”
- T-800 Lynn Jenkins (R-KS) and T-1000 Virginia Foxx (R-NC) may be on the same side of the aisle, but they just can’t get along.
- “No, I will NOT refer to you as John Thune, Defender of the Universe,” gripes Dick Durbin (D-IL).
- “Have you ever noticed,” gossips Patty Murray (D-WA) to a colleague, “That John Cornyn (R-TX) never uses contractions?”
- Barbara Boxer (D-CA) asks John Barrasso (R-WY), “So, are you a Cylon or a Cyberman? I keep getting those mixed up.”
- “Can he still get it up?” Callista Gingrich responds to a reporter. “Sure, if the wattage is compatible.”
As for the inspiration for this column, Mr. Timothy Ray Murray, I did find this:
Oh, I could go on forever on this one. Your turn.
Love, Princess Sparkle Pony. Follow me (or a convincingly lifelike substitution for me) on the Twitters!
*Yes, yes, Daleks aren’t technically robots. I guess Borgs aren’t either. Whatever. Shut up, nerd.