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Ignore the Matthew, Luke, and John, too.Well, folks, it’s Thursday, so we’ve got yet another Sign of the End Times. This time, Pat Robertson has discovered that electronic payments are the Mark of the Beast. We always thought it was UPC codes, but apparently, no, it’s electronic banking, and maybe also RFID chips, and for all we know, probably immigration reform too. You see, the End Times Preppers are always on the lookout for the Mark of the Beast, which the Book of Revelation says is going to have to be on your wrist or your forehead, but which really could be any universal technology involved in buying and selling. (Yes, there are some folks who insist that government-issued currency is the Mark, since Walmart doesn’t take gold. And Germany doesn’t even hide it! Look what they call their money!!1!)

So on today’s 700 Club, Robertson warned that “it’s here. Big Brother is here!” He also has a news report from self-credentialed “privacy expert” Dr. Katherine Albrecht, who knows for a fact that They want RFID chips embedded in everyone — never mind that the effective range of most chips is a matter of inches (battery-powered chips exist, but are bulky and expensive…but They will keep making them smaller and smaller.) Albrecht is certain that we’ll all be tagged with RFID chips — or whatever the next technology is — in our hands or foreheads. Needless to say, Albrecht has books for sale: Spychips: How Major Corporations and Government Plan to Track Your Every Move with RFID (and the exciting sequel The Spychips Threat: Why Christians Should Resist RFID and Electronic Surveillance). She even has a charming book for little children to scare them into becoming Amish, maybe — it’s called I Won’t Take The Mark, and it’s the book up top with weirdly clean-shaven Jesus. (Jesus was no hippie, you know. Don’t let those faggot Renaissance artists fool you.) Darned if we can find this book for sale online — even by mail order, paid with cash — and that’s a shame, because that would make one heck of a dandy Sundays With the Christianists post. We’d love to see what that “contract” part of the book is — some kind of nightmare-fuel pledge to never let anyone put a microchip in your body?

I am stunned at the number of people who have gone to VBS and summer camp and Bible school and Sunday school, and they’ve never even heard of the mark of the Beast. The churches aren’t preaching it; they’re not discussing it.

There’s an embarrassment factor about this, which is ironic because throughout all of history, it’s been a huge topic. Now that we’re actually seeing these technologies develop before our eyes, no one wants to talk about them.”

So it’s nice to see that some people are willing to talk about this stuff more loudly, so that we can avoid them. Seems weird that Christians would be paranoid and fearful about some omniscient invisible force watching them all the time.

Robertson is also pretty sure that cash is soon going to be a thing of the past, so that Satan can run everything. Already, he notes, the mean old Government won’t let you transfer over $10,000, because “the Feds want to control your money” — either that, or they want to make things difficult for drug traffickers.

“It’s a control thing, and Satan wants to control the lives of all the world. He wants to be God, he wants to be worshipped as God. And he wants to have control over everybody, and that’s how it will be done.”

It’s terribly, terribly sad, really, and before you know it, you won’t be able to buy or sell without the Mark of the Beast, just like 40 years ago when the UPC codes started showing up and within a decade the Beast was going to be here.

The wonderful smartasses at RawStory do take the time to note that Robertson’s CBN “invites viewers to donate through credit cards, electronic funds transfers and cash.”

But not, oddly enough, through gold or silver. What is Pat Robertson hiding, hennngghh?

[RawStory / CBN News]

Follow Doktor Zoom on Twitter. He wonders how his UPC-symbol-fearing friend from third grade is doing these days.

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