A couple of weeks ago, I ended my column with a lie: “Next time:” I wrote, “What if Paul Ryan blew a dog whistle so loudly that everybody, not just dogs, could hear it?” Of course I had no intentions of writing about this “What If?” subject at all; I added it as a throwaway gag. Wonkette readers can be unpredictable, though! It turns out that most of you just read the first part of the sentence, “What if Paul Ryan blew a dog,” and then got so excited and overstimulated that you forgot to read the rest, and off you went chattering about Paul Ryan blowing a dog. You guys!
First of all… ew. Seriously, you Wonketeers have such totally dirty minds! Gross! But… what if it were true? What if Paul Ryan really did blow a dog? I reckon that would be newsworthy! Let’s talk this one out after the jump.
Let’s get our terms straight right off the bat: when we say the sentence “What if Paul Ryan blew a dog?” the word blew is a euphemism for fellatio. So the real question we’re asking is “What if Paul Ryan put a dog’s penis in his mouth and sucked on it for a while?” Ohhhh yes, I’m not letting you guys off the hook so easily on this one! You’re the ones who conjured the specter of a former Republican vice presidential candidate gobbling canine choad, so now it’s your turn to suffer.
How does one responsibly approach this query? Should I do research (NO)? Look up the various aspects of orally pleasuring a dog on the internet (NO)? Ask my coworkers for insight (NO)? Do a Google image search (NO OMG NO)?
It may help to refine the question. For instance, if Paul Ryan blew a dog and nobody was there to see it, would it still make a sound (EW, EW, EW)? And if somebody were there to see it, what then? Because it seems to me that this point matters a lot: who catches Paul Ryan blowing a dog? His wife (“Honey, stop teasing Barfy.”)? His children (“I hate you, Daddy!”)? A staffer (“Carry on, sir.”)? One wonders if any of those would be better or worse than if he were caught by a journalist (“Ryan: No To Same-Sex Marriage, Yes To Interspecies Oral Shenanigans!”). Also:
- Is it his dog? A neighbor’s or friend’s dog? Or did he hire a whore dog specifically for sexual purposes?
- Was he at home? In his office? In a motel room? In an airport restroom? Under the P Street Bridge?
- Was he drunk? Sober? Which would be better? Are you sure?
- Was he photographed in the act? Videoed? Would you watch it?
- Was it Paul Ryan’s idea, or was the dog the provocateur?
Writing about Paul Ryan blowing a dog would also present real difficulties to journalists, as I am now painfully aware. Obviously this would be a major story, and your news organization would absolutely have to cover it. It’s hard to imagine, though, making your report dry and objective: Paul Ryan, representative for Wisconsin’s 1st district, was allegedly discovered having extramarital relations with a Labrador Retriever named Brandy. A press conference has not yet been announced. On the other hand, treating the subject lightly doesn’t seem right, either. Just imagine TMZ: Meet Paul Ryan’s Fetching New Girlfriend! Buzzfeed: 56 Puppies Who Just Can’t Deal With Paul Ryan Right Now. Wonkette: What’s All This About Paul Ryan Blowing A Dog? Treacherous waters, indeed!
And then, well, there’s the fallout. Again, if Paul Ryan just blew a dog in private, then whatever, I’m sure he’s got colleagues who do worse. But if he were observed blowing a dog? Look, I’m not the most erudite political scholar, so take my conjecture with a hefty grain of salt, but I’m guessing that getting caught blowing a dog would most likely NOT be a good career move for Paul Ryan.
Then again, Jennifer Rubin would probably point out that this is just the latest attempt to distract from Benghazi, so like David Vitter’s weird prostitutes ‘n’ diapers thing, it’d probably blow over in a couple of days. After all, he’s a Republican.
If you’ve been half as revolted reading this column as I’ve been while writing it, then I’ve been twice as revolted as you.