Watch out, because noted presidential scholar Bill “Falafel” O’Reilly has gazed upon Barack Obama and, hark unto his words, found him wanting, especially when compared to reputed Republican Abraham Lincoln, who never EVER would have cheapened his office by being fake interviewed by a portly Greek comedian. Yes, yes, “You didn’t build that” has officially morphed into “Abe wouldn’t do that.” Fun! Let’s play along!
- Abraham Lincoln WOULD NOT sneak over the Arizona border so that he could get a job at Taco Bell.
- The sixteenth president WOULD NOT wear a tangerine-colored pantsuit. Wait, now I’m starting to second guess myself, because I’m thinking maybe he would? No, no, no… he wouldn’t. It’s just that I started envisioning Abraham Lincoln in a tangerine-colored pantsuit and OMG it felt soooooo good! Try it!
- Honest Abe WOULD call Indira Gandhi an “old witch.”
- He WOULD NOT do speedballs with Phillip Seymour Hoffman, like all the Hollywood Demoncrats. Highballs yes.
- Lincoln definitely WOULD star in a b-movie melodrama in which he hooks up with a far younger woman rumored to be his illegitimate daughter.
- The Great Emancipator WOULD NOT consent to be interviewed by Katie Couric because GOTCHA QUESTIONS.
- The Illinois Rail Splitter WOULD have an affair with a woman named “Jennifer” as long as it was spelled with a “J”.
- He WOULD NOT, however, tap that tail if it were spelled with a “G”.
- Lincoln WOULD certainly start an unprovoked ground war in the Middle East if he felt he were avenging his father.
- The Liberator WOULD NOT have supported the Civil Rights Act, because OMG you black people, hasn’t he already done enough for you? COME ON.
- Abe WOULD or WOULD NOT take steps to address a new global viral epidemic depending on the “ickiness” factor of those who were most affected by it.
- Lincoln WOULD NOT bleed from between his legs on a monthly basis, thus befouling the Oval Office, because OMG, ew, are you fucking kidding me? Gross.
- He WOULD NOT, in fact, slay vampires, but WOULD travel the countryside with an adorable robot sidekick named “Mr. Pickles,” solving crimes, making friends, and having adventures.
Funny how easy it is to tell when an idea is running out of steam, isn’t it?
My point is, I suppose, that there’s simply no end to what Abraham Lincoln would or wouldn’t do, for freedom, for America, for the Wonkette comma, for great justice!
Next time: What If Paul Ryan Blew A Dog Whistle So Loudly That Everybody, Not Just Dogs, Could Hear It?
Hugs ‘n’ cuddles, Princess Sparkle Pony.