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WhatIfShapiro

It’s kind of a trick question, because of course you won’t be able to ever actually count your brain cells as they wither and pass while you read something by Ben Shapiro. Nobody can count that high! But you sure can FEEL them dying! Most people would interpret this sensation as being bored or ow, I rolled my eyes too hard, but make no mistake: those brain cells are gone and they’re never coming back. It’s too late for me, because I’ve already read – twice! – this thing by Shapiro (warning: Breitbart) about that sportsball player, the football one who said he loves the cock, and it is a doozy. Turns out it’s all a big media hoax/conspiracy, and worse, a trap! It’s tempting to call Ben Shapiro’s argument circular, but it’s more like a Möbius strip, never-ending and one-sided. Click “read more” to see more of my thoughts ‘n’ stuff on this amazing piece of writing before my cranial neurons finally give up the ghost and surrender forever.

Shapiro’s argument seems to be this: the growing acceptance of The Gays has led to a situation where people want more feel-good stories about The Gays. Eventually people started wanting a homo football player to feel good about, and the media noticed this, so they wanted to provide a feel-good story about a homo football player. So then everybody waited a while and then DINK DINK DINK! up pops a homo football player for people to feel good about reading feel-good stories about. HOW CONVENIENT. And this is all a trap for unsuspecting conservatives who will be, like, ewwww, and then everybody will point at them and say OMG Homophobic! Or not! That’s it! That is Ben Shapiro’s… um… argument? Here are some more conspiracies for Shapiro to unmask:

  • Once upon a time, mankind stumbled around their caves, and they were all, “What does one plus one equal?” And most of them scratched their heads and were all, “I don’t know. Antler? That patch of mud?” And then some people said, “We’re mathematicians, and we invented this thing called two, and it’s what one plus one equals.” And the cavemen rejoiced, because they always wanted to know what one plus one equals, and now they had what they always wanted: two. And that made them not mind being enslaved by the mathematicians. HOW CONVENIENT.
  • The Academy Awards are a conspiracy because eventually people got so good at actoring that people wanted to give them prizes for it, and then *poof* suddenly there were Academy Awards and all the good actors started getting prizes. HOW CONVENIENT.

Let’s deconstruct Ben’s rhetoric some more. First of all…

*ring ring*

Oh, sorry, I’ve got to take this call. You can listen in.

Me: Hello?

“Hello, Princess Sparkle Pony? This is Marshall McLuhan. See, what Ben Shapiro is saying is that the media created a ‘landscape of need’ partly in collusion with their consumers, and partly of their own volition. Eventually that landscape of need was decorated with the consumers’ desires. Mostly Tamagotchis, flavored vodkas, and gay football players.”

Me: Didn’t you die in 1980? I don’t believe this is really Marshall McLuhan.

“OK, you got me. This is Noam Chomsky. Shapiro is describing a shared delusion between the corporate media and readers/viewers based on the inherent political malleability and perniciousness of language.

Me: Who is this really?

“I am Professor Brian O’Blivion, and the Videodrome signal is eating your brain!”

Me: Ah, I see what’s actually going on here: I read that Ben Shapiro article twice, and this is the sound of my brain cells dying. Goodbye!

Where was I? I feel like I’m losing you. I feel like I need to drag you down to my level to share my experience of Ben Shapiro’s wacky logic-go-round. That means I have to kill some of YOUR brain cells, so here’s an excerpt from the article:

That’s because if Sam’s acceptance into the league goes smoothly, the left loses its talking point. Conservatives cannot be made the victimizers if there is no victim. So the media has pre-emptively declared Sam a victim — despite the evidence, which suggests that Sam was widely accepted by teammates at Missouri. Those who believe that America has moved beyond such issues are told that they are intolerant simply for suggesting an American transformation that has clearly taken place.

See how that works? It all makes perfect sense now that your brain is damaged, doesn’t it?

The moral of this story is that the only thing worse than not understanding what the hell Ben Shapiro is talking about is understanding what the hell Ben Shapiro is talking about.

Until next time,

Luv, Princess Sparkle Pony.

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