We have an exciting new entrant in our Cavalcade of Fringe Candidates, 2014 Edition! Yesterday, we brought you the satirical brilliance of Florida congressional hopeful Ilya Katz. Today, we go to the whole opposite corner of the continent to meet Kathleen Tonn, who’s running for the U.S. Senate in Alaska. She is very much the “dark horse” candidate, seeing as how the frontrunners for the primary — Joe “I lost to Lisa Murcofski” Miller, Dan “Department of Natural Resources” Sullivan, and Mead “Lt. Governor” Trentwell actually have name recognition and, in the latter two cases, have even been elected to something.
On the other hand, we bet not one of them can sing in tongues in a sauna like Ms. Tonn does. This is probably a useful skill for a senator to have.
As RawStory points out, Tonn doesn’t have an actual campaign website, but on her Google Plus page, she says she is “Marching towards the Presidency of the United States of America!” She also declares:
I have a Bachelors degree in Education and a Masters in Christian Ministry. I have two sons. I am from a family of 12 children; I am number 11. I love to worship the Lord! I love the Bible! I stand for limited government, the Declaration of Independence and the American Constitution! I hate socialism with a passion!!! When the country collapses, what are you going to do?
So, how are her pipes? If you set aside the whole “speaking in tongues” thing, she actually is not a bad singer, at least with shower acoustics. She posted this video on her Facebook page, then switched it to “private”; fortunately, a sharp viewer saved it and posted it for all to learn from. We have no idea why a steam room is an especially good place to bring someone to Jesus, but that is what’s happening here. Maybe it’s like the humid banks of the River Jordan?
“I’m at the Alaska Club West and I’m spending a little time in the steam room with Suzie. Suzie doesn’t know Jesus Christ as her savior, but ironically she has a pastor/priest who is her neighbor. So, she has allowed me to sing and deliver a message in the Holy Ghost and tongues.”
“One point of clarification: Speaking in tongues or singing in tongues is very valuable because the message cannot be understood by Satan,” she continued. “But the Holy Spirit can use that message to bring deliverance, to bring clarity, to give discernment and words of wisdom and knowledge, and tongues is interpreted by a person who has the gift of interpretation. So I’m going to go fast.”
And then we get the singing and the praying, and some more singing, in what we think is English (check out the damp limp lyrics sheet ad the 3-minute mark) Suzie, in a towel, emerges from the steam and waves, and then Tonn says something that sounds a lot like something like “Provoke her, Lord, and get that neighbor to dry her.” (Drive her? We have no idea.)
After Tonn set the video to “private,” she posted a grumpy rebuttal to the rude comments that people had left on it (What? Rude comments on YouTube?):
I have not deleted the stupid and insane remarks made by others, so people can see what comes forth from the mind of evil. Fortunately there are legitimate, wise, Godly people who have viewed the content of this video clip. They contacted me too! For those individuals who are searching to learn truth about a Creator, this has helped them. So I won’t delete your dumb comments. They are very revealing of who and what you are!
Yep, she’s winning over the electorate already. Wonkette is delighted to endorse Kathleen Tonn in the Republican primary for Senate.