What up Philadelphia? Just all being the City of Brotherly Love, right? And what is more brotherly or loverly than Philadelphia cops busting into an abandoned house on a drug raid only to find some dude and his chick, high on speedballs and love, about to have sex? What to do? Well, if you are Joseph Harvey of the Philadelphia PD, right before arresting the lady you find there, you make her get all the way naked whilst you make a withdrawal from the spank-bank. Empty your gun barrel? Have a date with Palmela Handerson. Take Captain Solo on the Kessel Run? Okay, you masturbate. Onto the pants of the lady you are supposed to be arresting, because you are the good guy and she is the bad guy.
In a story with the really-not-at-all-accurate headline “Officers Indicted in Alleged Masturbation Civil Rights Case” — which makes it sound like masturbation is a civil right, which in a just society it totally would be, but THAT IS NOT THE POINT — a Philly teevee station informs us:
A former Philadelphia Police officer who previously beat a local criminal trial for allegedly forcing a woman to undress as he masturbated in front of her during a drug raid has been indicted in federal court.
Joseph Harvey allegedly forced an unidentified woman to undress during a drug raid at an abandoned home in the Kensington section of the city on Oct. 8, 2009, according to court documents.
A 24th District officer at the time, Harvey then allegedly masturbated as she was forced to sit there naked.
That sounds fucking terrible. And gross. And Joseph Harvey was brought up on charges, and got fired from his police job for being a sexual pervert asshole, but got a mistrial in his first criminal case:
The 39-year-old was brought up on charges and fired from the department, but a Philadelphia judge declared a mistrial in 2011 after a prosecutor brought up questions about the woman’s pants. The pants were allegedly stained with Harvey’s semen.
He was too disgusted to touch me, but he wasn’t too disgusted to touch himself and ejaculate on my $70 friggin’ pants, the victim testified at the time.
The pants, however, were not introduced into the evidence list and the case was dismissed.
Well that is too bad. They really should have introduced those pants into the evidence. And also, we do not want people to ejaculate onto our friggin’ pants against our will, ever, no matter how much they cost. But we feel you, victim. If we spent $70 on a pair of friggin’ pants and some cop made us take them off and then shot his load on them, we would also be appalled. Luckily, so too were the Feds:
Federal prosecutors then launched a grand jury investigation into the alleged crime, which found there was enough evidence for an indictment based on civil rights laws.
So it is awfully good to know that our civil rights involve not just the right to masturbate, but also the right to not be masturbated at when we get arrested. And we agree that it is terribly uncivil to have one’s arresting officer slap the captain all over one’s $70 friggin’ pants, while we are made to sit there naked, even — if not especially — when we are strung out on heroin and cocaine. If Joseph Harvey is found guilty, he faces up to 5 years in the slammer, where there may be other people he arrested for him to try and jerk off on, and a $250K fine.