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10344Bad news. It turns out that Obamacare doesn’t just make birth control freely available. It actually mandates that every man, woman, and child in America take birth control until they grow hair in weird places or whatever those devil pills do to you.

It seems strange that they would mandate birth control usage, but that’s the only way the lawsuit from Missouri GOP state representative Paul Wieland makes sense. Paul (we feel like he would want us to call him Paul) is suing the federal government because Obamacare is infringing on his personal religious freedoms and liberties by making his insurance offer him the birth control pill for free. Which I guess means he has to take it?

Because if the government was just mandating that birth control be freely available, and not that Paul (or his wife Theresa, also party to the suit) was forced to take it against his will, that wouldn’t make any sense at all whatsoever.

That would be like if you offered me some M&Ms and instead of politely saying, “no thank you, I’m trying not to spoil my appetite before dinner even though that doesn’t make any sense MOM” instead I slapped the M&Ms out of your hand, spit in your face, called you a socialist, and demanded your birth certificate. Oh and also the M&Ms keep you from having babies, which is an amazing idea (call me, Mars).

But oh, dear, it seems that the problem is not that he has to take the Ortho Novum or whichever one it is that clears up your zits. It is that his adult daughters, who are grown up adults, might get to take the slutty slut pills!

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On behalf of Obamacare-loving elitists everywhere, we want to offer our deepest apologies to Paul and assure him that even though it is freely available, his three daughters will probably definitely never use free birth control pills to have lots of sex.

Instead they’ll just have lots of babies all of which will burn in hell for eternity for living in a country where birth control pills are freely available.

[Scribd, via Jezebel]

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