Good morning, straight people. We want to talk to you about that weird feeling you’ve been having for about a week — that one where your marriage feels like it’s… worth less. You may be wondering why you feel that way. We happen to know.
It’s because Yr Wonket performed a gay marriage in the newly gay-marriagelicious state of Maryland! After winning our sort-of-contest thing, two wonderful people — one of them your friend from the comment section, widestanceromance — made a life-long commitment to each other and it was a very lovely day, but because the lovely people were both guys, everybody else’s marriages have been hereby ruined, and also you should probably be prepping for the tidal wave of abortions and unwed mothers and crack epidemics and Seth Rogen movies that come along with every gay marriage. It was totally worth it.
We cannot tell you too many details because Mr. and Mr. widestance do not want their real-life names getting mixed up with their internet names, but it is probably safe to say the whole thing went down the morning of June 8, in the backyard of their beautiful home on a rural back road next to a little horse farm, attended by family and friends and a parrot named Marco Polo who can poop on command but had to be hidden away because he hates everything. (We suspect he is also a Wonkette commenter.)
The ceremony was short and included both a reading from Kahlil Gibran’s The Prophet and a small, hostile interlude from a stray cat. Their rings are engraved with the phrase “Lucky bitches,” a reference to a French and Saunders sketch that is about 9 hours long and raises serious questions about what kind of drugs the BBC was doing back in the ’80s. A cubic acre of Old Bay-encrusted crabs was delivered after the ceremony.
They have requested, in lieu of the generous gift offers they’ve received, simply that you wonderful commenters, with your impeccably good taste and all, vandalize a photo from their wedding. Blingee is free, and we have included below a pre-vandalized template to use for whatever awfulness you can cook up. Comments may take a while to appear because the spam filter is made of duct tape and pretzel rods, but dump your photos, well-wishes, and horrifying slurs below.
And, just in case this post gets picked up in Tony Perkins’ Google Alert for “gay marriage” or “anyone having fun anywhere,” you anti-gay folks have to step up your game, because they are having so much fun and are all getting super-legit wedded now, sorry, maybe quit pooping on the party because the party isn’t hurting anyone and includes free beer and seafood.