In all seriousness, Wonkette people, today has been awful when it comes to The News. America’s every-other-day massacre was particularly horrible and heartwrenching today, as news came out that twenty-seven people, mostly kids, were gunned down in an elementary school in Connecticut. Gun rights enthusiasts are, of course, screaming TOO SOON and THE BODIES ARE STILL WARM and WON’T YOU ALL PLEASE THINK OF THE (dead) CHILDREN, because in trigger-happy America, they know that by the time it’s not too soon and the bodies are not warm and stuff, there will be a new TOO SOON, etc. But anyway, it is Friday afternoon, and this day sucks, so let’s all warm our collective hearts with a sweet story about a donkey named “Doodle” and the boy, Carlos, who loves her just so much:

A Florida man accused of having sex with a miniature donkey named Doodle is protected by the United States Constitution, his lawyers say.

Oh fucking hell, this is not a sweet story at all, and our hearts go out to the family and friends of “a miniature donkey named Doodle.” It is, of course, TOO SOON to talk about reforming our man-mini-donkey sex laws to make sure that people like this get the treatment/therapy they need while also protecting the sanctity of Doodle’s diddleparts, SO DON’T EVEN START, commenters.

Carlos, what is your explanation for this little incident?

The accusations stem from an August incident in which a witness reportedly saw Romero with his pants down “up against the rear of the donkey,” according to the Smoking Gun.

Romero reportedly stepped away from the donkey

Step away from the donkey.

and pulled up his pants when he saw the witness.

But, when Marion County detectives questioned him about the incident, he allegedly admitted that, when the donkey is in heat, he will stand behind her, scratch her withers and masturbate. He says he “likes the way her fur feels on his privates,” according to WSTP-TV.

Okay. First off, who that is older than twelve refers to his down-theres as his “privates?” Second of all, do we even know what Doodle was wearing at the time, because in White Male GOP ‘Murka, SHIT LIKE THAT MATTERS, and besides if Doodle didn’t want it, the minidonkey body has ways to shut that whole thing down, and the people said, “Amen.”

Third, in what universe are we pretending that this is not commonplace in that part of the country? This happened just south of the area this particular Wonket’s brother not affectionately at all refers to as “Flor-gia,” and it is very much The South. This seems to remind us of another Doodlefuck incident from a few years ago where a certain Neil Horsley (haw haw) was running for governor of Georgia and caused quite a little kerfuffle when words about his own love life started to leak:

Last night, anti-abortion extremist Neal Horsley was a guest on The Alan Colmes Show, a FOX News radio program. The topic was an interesting one – whether or not an internet service provider should allow Horsley to post the names of abortion doctors on his website. Horsley does that as a way of targeting them and one doctor has been killed. In the course of the interview, however, Colmes asked Horsley about his background, including a statement that he had admitted to engaging in homosexual and bestiality sex.

At first, Horsley laughed and said, “Just because it’s printed in the media, people jump to believe it.”

“Is it true?” Colmes asked.

“Hey, Alan, if you want to accuse me of having sex when I was a fool, I did everything that crossed my mind that looked like I…”

AC: “You had sex with animals?”

NH: “Absolutely. I was a fool. When you grow up on a farm in Georgia, your first girlfriend is a mule.”

AC: “I’m not so sure that that is so.”

You see? In that part of the country, your first girlfriend is sometimes a mule, your second girlfriend is a big melon of some sort, and once you’ve gone through that break-up, you graduate to mini-donkeys. This is because there are no girls in Flor-gia, and really we should just be glad that Doodle wasn’t a boy mini-donkey, because this is a Christian nation after all.

I hope this story warmed your hearts and distracted you from today’s horror for like five minutes, so anyway, bye. [Huffington Post]

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  • IncenseDebate

    All he wanted was a little piece of ass.

    Or a piece of a little ass.

  • Aridzona

    Talk about taking it in the ass!

  • Dr_Zoidberg

    That donkey was probably asking for it, what with dressing like a slut and all.

    • shelwood46

      She was in heat. If that's not asking for it, I don't know what is.

    • mrpuma2u

      Hey if it was legitimate bestiality the donkey has a way of shutting that whole thing down, which would be donkey kicking dude in the balls.

      • Toomush_Infer

        So, you're saying the donkey must have liked it…..

  • jello_mold

    When you grow up on a farm in Georgia you might be a…aw fuck it.

    • dennis1943

      I was told, by a reliable source,that hip boots were not used for fishng where she came from…….

      • Calapine

        What were they used for?

        Honest question.

        • dennis1943

          To hold the rear legs of non-consenting sheep………….

          • Calapine

            Now my next question would be why you know such details, but I don't want to cause you any emberassment. ;)

          • dennis1943

            My reliable source was a 50 year old female co-worker………..that conversation was 35 years ago and i do not recollect how we got on the subject…..

  • OzoneTom

    At least no one can accuse him of in-breeding.

    Also, Horsley?

  • Botlrokit

    Old news. Ass-sex has been legal since Lawrence v. Texas.

    • Beowoof
      • Wile E. Quixote

        And do you know what, we didn't have an anti-bestiality law in Washington until after Kenneth Pinyan's ill-fated romantic evening in Enumclaw. Talk about locking the barn door after the horse's massive cock has destroyed your anal sphincter and ruptured your intestines.

  • Beowoof

    A donkey fucker from Florida, Rick Scott is that you.

  • Antispandex

    If donkeys don't want to have sex, their bodies have a way of shutting that down…or so I read.

  • flipdraw

    Awaiting erudite discourse on this topic from Santorum. I just know it'll be worth hearing.

  • Citizen Kitteh

    If I ever need a new Wonkette handle, I think it will be StepAwayFromTheDonkey .

  • One_who_wanders

    But is everyone else seeing the Wonkville link on the right. Cause for me it is MIA.

    • Botlrokit

      Yeah, missing for me, too. Maybe we're flooding someone's inbox today…

    • me too.

  • Crank_Tango

    Today, we celebrate the right to ram burros.

  • "Flor-gia." How, how did I miss that one before..
    Thanks, Evan — I think?

  • Meathamper

    Florida never fails to deliver, even in times of national crisis.

    • MrsConclusion

      Florida IS the national crisis.

  • Citizen Kitteh

    I imagine gals seeing the picture and thinking "Kinda cute for a mug shot", and then reading the story and going "Eeeeww!".

    • jello_mold

      He seems to think he's getting some kind of award.

  • GeneralLerong

    "…but fuck just one pig…"

  • Callyson

    All this guy is missing is a bumper sticker spotted in San Diego:

    "Democrats are sexy – who ever heard of a hot piece of elephant?"

    (What? I need some tasteless humor after reading about the CT shootings…)

  • noodlesalad

    The Great Doodle Diddle?

  • On days like this, it's nice to be reminded that life is, after all, good.

  • One_who_wanders

    And the Horsely thing -> that is one of classic "Even if it was true I wouldn't admit it!" statements.

  • Hammiepants

    Man, Neal Horsely, TMfuckingI much???

  • Naked_Bunny

    he “likes the way her fur feels on his privates,”

    This line doesn't work as well as you might expect.

    • Toomush_Infer

      He really meant to say: "I'll take it out early, honest."….

      • Naked_Bunny

        Planned Parenthood is going to get involved? Now that's scandalous!

  • CrunchyKnee

    Today we are all mini donkeys, or some such shit. Pass the bourbon.

  • GoodDogThor

    Doodle diddle.

  • GeneralLerong

    Shall we guess how many times from now on the new meme Neal "Mulefucker" Horsley is gonna have to be deleted from just about site where it's possible to post it?

  • mavenmaven

    And, of course, this being America, next thing you know, this guy shoots up a stable full of young mules and donkeys.

    • An_Outhouse

      2 soon. stop it.

  • Veritas78

    Wow, so Santorum was right. First, gay marriage, then this. What else did he predict?

    • That he would become president.

  • redarmyzombie

    So, what does Bessie have to say on the matter?

  • Lot_49

    And Florida pulls into the lead again in the race to Crazytown. Suck it, Alabama.

    And Connecticut? Gimme a break! Joe Lieberman's from Connecticut.

  • coolhandnuke

    If he can also master the ping pong balls in the pooper thing, a lucrative career awaits him in Tijuana.

  • emmelemm


  • Doktor Zoom

    Members of the Brony community were quick to distance themselves from Romero's actions, emphasizing that the infamous Lyra plushie was "just an online joke." (Link may be NSFW depending on how weird your workplace is)

    • emmelemm

      I have my own office, yo.

    • Fare la Volpe

      I hate everything about today.


    • Biff

      Oh for fuck's sake!

    • Grokenstein

      I was hoping this was your article, because there are plenty of images of Cranky Doodle Donkey you could've used and it would've been so perfect because Doodle.

      …Well, that was my smile for the day. Back to hating this f***ing universe for the next several hours.

      • Doktor Zoom

        As a relative n00b who mostly just follows the pony meme thing, I was unaware of this Cranky character. (Yes, I've finally given in and started watching the thing on Netflix. It's awesome. But I'm only on Season 1).

  • Biff

    Hey, at least it weren't no sheep!

    • glasspusher

      You know, you can get wool from them, too!

  • coolhandnuke

    Dudley Doodle Right of the Royal Florida Mounties.

  • "Is it in yet?"
    — Doodle

  • dadanarchistmk2

    Is a "mini-donkey" the Pocket Rocket of fuckable farmyard animals?

  • glasspusher

    Moar donkey fucking, less guns, pleezzee?

  • Callyson

    OT, somewhat, but Jezebel has an article some of you might like:

    Fuck you, guns

    Personally, I would write "Fuck you, NRA," since I know some decent and civilized people who happen to own guns, but this works for me too…

  • HempDogbane

    Waiting to see what Justice Scalia thinks…

    • Toomush_Infer

      You know that lump under his robe is his replacement manhood….

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Evidently, he thinks that the kids were killed by a well-regulated militia.

  • savethispatient

    Reminds me of the story of the Welshman, who complained:
    "See those fences, I built those. But do they call me Jones the Fence-builder? No."
    "See those roofs in the village, I repaired those. But do they call me Jones the Roofer? No."
    "See the villagers' cars, I fix them all the time. But do they call me Jones the Mechanic? No."
    "But they catch me with a sheep that ONE time…"

  • Pack Mule, indeed.

  • ok time to go to lolcats or 'awkward family photos'.

    love you all.

  • anniegetyerfun

    Sex with a melon – at least only one (maybe) sentient being is involved.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Today, we are all butt-hurt donkeys.

  • ElPinche

    Oh ok, beastiality is bad blah blah. I guess you people have never seen a mini donkey up close with its long sexxy eyelashes.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    NH: “Absolutely. I was a fool. When you grow up on a farm in Georgia, your first girlfriend is a mule.”

    AC: “I’m not so sure that that is so.”

    #awkward conversations

    • littlebigdaddy

      The alternative is a member of your extended family.

  • Go do this now! Or I'll shoot you!

  • calliecallie

    Keep your sparkle ponies away from that guy.

  • Doktor Zoom

    This is NOT Assfucking We Can Believe in!

  • not that Dewey

    I'll never be able to look at a Nativity scene the same way again.

    • Really — it's nice to know at least one of the characters in the creche might be getting some.

    • Barrelhse

      The Caganer was enough.

  • TootsStansbury

    If it had been a chicken, I just might have laughed.

    • Barrelhse

      Or cackled.

  • TribecaMike

    You know what they say — little donkey, big doodle.

  • Doktor Zoom

    he “likes the way her fur feels on his privates”

    This is the inevitable result of the bikini waxing industry.

  • HistoriCat

    Oh fucking hell, this is not a sweet story at all, and our hearts go out to the family and friends of “a miniature donkey named Doodle.”

    Thanks Evan – I needed that.

  • I know a mule is the offspring of a donkey and a horse, but what do we call the offspring of a donkey and a dumbfuck? Bronkey?

    • Barrelhse

      Republican voter?

    • Ann Coulter?

    • Barrelhse


    • CthuNHu


      • Doktor Zoom

        And Mrs. Blutarsky?

    • Wile E. Quixote

      Bryan Fischer?

  • From The Smoking Gun:

    After recalling that he masturbated with the donkey “5 or 6 times,” Romero “stated Florida is a backwards state and people frown on zoophilia here.”

    When Carlos Romero, mini-donkey pervert, thinks you are a backward state, you should listen.

  • SuspectedDemocrat

    What a nice young man.

  • Has NAMDLA released a statement? Or at least a tweet?

  • Barrelhse

    I got a mule, her name is Doodle
    Hey la-de, la-de lo
    She just craves my lovin' noodle
    Hey la-de la-de lo

  • dennis1943

    Take comfort that procreation probably will not occur………..

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      I thought it was mules that were sterile.

  • christianmuslin

    If any of you change your on-line name to donkeyfucker we will think twice if you ask if we want to go to the county fair.

  • Guppy

    When we at Wonkett demand more "ass-fucking," this is not what we have in mind.

    Most of us.


  • chascates

    When one jackass loves another.

  • Two retired British Army Majors were sitting around the club one day and one said to the other, "Did you hear the news about Carruthers? Seems he was caught having relations with his horse."
    "Why, that's terrible!" the other replied and after a pause, asked "Mare or stallion?"
    "Stallion of course, nothing queer about Carruthers."

  • Barrelhse

    Bang away on Doodle
    Bang the whole day through
    Bang away on Doodle
    She's the mule for you.

    Rich girl does it on the bed
    Poor girl on the floor
    Doodle does it in the stall
    And gets four inches more.

    Rich girl uses Vaseline
    Poor girl uses lard
    Doodle uses axle-grease
    And packs it twice as hard.

  • ttommyunger

    But I do find it difficult to fault a man who loves animals…..

  • Troglodeity

    "… Doodle do or die!"

  • Negropolis

    A Florida man

    Why yes, of course.

    Keep fuckin' that donkey! Actually, on second thought, let go of that donkey, and don't make me tell you again.

  • Negropolis

    Oh god, please don't read the rest of the police report. It gets quite graphic.

  • DahBoner

    I'm not a farmer, but I thought it was the rooster that went "Cock a Doodle do"….

  • littlebigdaddy

    Yeah, but here's what Doodle was singing:

  • awwalk56

    What's the big deal? Maybe it was gods will. There's no chance of the donkey getting pregnant, pregnancy from "illegitimate donkey fucking" is "really rare" because "the donkey's body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down."

  • DesertTed

    Didn't Pat Robertson say that legalizing gay marriage would lead to legalizing bestiality? I hate it when that guy's right—except when it has to do with weed.

  • Nostrildamus

    Dude doodled Doodle.

  • Wile E. Quixote

    Man things have gone downhill. Sure, this sort of thing used to happen on the set of Mr. Ed, but they kept it out of the media.

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