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You guys, we keep forgetting to watch Bristol Palin: Life’s A Tripp, and for real we are so sad about it, because this week Bristol Palin left Guido on the side of the road, or in a gas station or something, and their talk afterwards for the cameras is some freakin’ Shakespearean shizz yo, like if Shakespeare was emoted by the Frankenstein monster.

Fuck man, the pain of being 23 and with a head full of rocks and inchoate longings that your grunts and wails cannot properly explain, to this, this woman, this siren, who is stuck in your big dumb selfish asshole douchebag soul, it hurts when they say no. At about a minute in, Gino goes on an existential rant of dumb love and pain — why can’t she accept him no matter what a dumb asshole he is, whyyyyyyy, stupid cunt. Guess we have to actually set the DVR.

[Lifetime’s horrible website]

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  • ChernobylSoup

    Now there's a crew that'll never have to worry about the subject of the previous post.

    • anniegetyerfun

      I don't know – isn't most student debt from the University of Phoenix these days?

  • Barb_

    Not having sex will make a man very emotional.
    Did you notice her lack of emotion? What does that tell ya?

  • Boojum

    Bristle just rubs him wrong.

  • ChernobylSoup

    The meth wants what the meth wants.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Maybe she can hook up with The Situation on the rebound.

    • CheeseBro69

      It wouldn't be the first time Bristol violated her abs(tinence) pledge

      • Nothingisamiss

        Why are there not more thumbs up for this comment?!

    • Judging from what he wears, and her IQ, you could probably just plant a shrub and she wouldn't really notice the difference.

  • Barb_

    Keep your chin up, Bristol. (If you can. That thing must weigh a ton)

  • Bezoar

    I dunno; do you think it goes down like this if there's no camera?

    • larrykat

      Does a Palin shit outside in back of the boathouse?

    • Can't say how it goes down, but she???

  • BaldarTFlagass

    That video would not play for me, which in hindsight is probably a good thing.

  • Clearly, he objected to taking care of someone else's spawn

    • rickmaci

      But he seemed otherwise ok with sloppy seconds.

  • finallyhappy

    So I read that Bristly said 3 year old Tripp did not say "fag", he said " fuck". How does a 3 year old learn either of those words?(I mean , I know how- this is my way of suggesting outrage)

    • keinsignal

      Not to self-incriminate or anything but I still laugh every time I remember my 3-year-old son running up to me as I was loading the dishwasher and confidently announcing, "Daddy, I know that I shouldn't say 'fuck', because 'fuck' is a bad word!" and then running off again. Almost dropped a plate.

    • ph7

      Hit your thumb with a hammer, a parent may say "Fuck".
      Hit your heart with some hate, a parent may say "Faggot."

      The first is human. The second is inhuman.

    • PuckStopsHere

      Let's not rule out the possibility that the youngster is merely a prodigy, shall we? I mean, given the genetic pool from which he came and all.

    • rickmaci

      This is how it starts. Next season it will be all, "the kid did not say that word, he called the President a "nih"…

      • anniegetyerfun

        "What he really said was, "The President is near, Mama!" and it makes sense because he was watching the President on TV and he was close to the TV."

    • sullivanst

      That's fucking bullshit. It had two syllables, there's zero possible doubt about what he said, and it wasn't fuck. Maybe she's thinking about a different occasion.

    • rickmaci

      Let me get this straight. It's OK in a grifter Snowbilly family if the infant spawn says "fuck" but not if he says "fag" or is it the other way around? These cultural differences can get so confusing.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      That's the thing about kids … they say the words that are there.

  • Neoyorquino

    It's like watching this, minus all of the talent, charisma, and good looks: http://youtu.be/wKExj1TyP3Q

    • Serolf_Divad

      Holy crap, until now I'd never realized James Dean's dad was Mr. Howell!

      • Neoyorquino

        Lovey!

  • Antispandex

    I guess a double suicide is too much to hope for?…..with votes?

  • Palin left Guido on the side of the road, or in a gas station or something

    Ay, Guido! Tits or GTFO!

    • HistoriCat

      I wonder if she told him, "gas, grass, or ass".

    • Franknflower

      That's Gin Oh.

  • coolhandnuke

    Her mom did the same thing to Alaska.

  • B-but that would be like KStew and RPats not working out! Oh, wait…

    • They probably think of themselves like that … in their dreams.

  • Serolf_Divad

    To think: America was 97 electoral votes and a heart attack away from this being the first family.

    • Trying to get me to start heading to the parapet again Serolf?

      / shudders so hard monitor tips over

      • va_real

        To the parapet? NO! To the ramparts!

        • UW8316154

          "Emergency!" was a great show! Which paramedic did you like, the blond or the brown one? They were always saving people by taking them to Ramparts.

          • va_real

            Randolph Mantooth. MMMMMmmmmm!

          • I'm sorry, but Emergency! was no CHiPS.

          • Isyaignert

            Ha! My son (now 21 LOVED Emergency. We still have a couple of VHS cassettes with hours of that show.

          • shelwood46

            It's on Netflix Instant!

    • LastGasp

      Hilarious, and yet at the same time, horrifying.

    • I just spit yogurt on my keyboard. Thanks.

      • va_real

        Hopefully, those keys were needin' some probiotics.

  • larrykat

    Brisdull's chin looks like Salvador Dali's goatee. That's all I keep thinking.

    • What does it say that Willow looks more like Bristol than Bristol does?

    • chicken_thief

      Huh?! Salvador had some man's nut sack on his beard?!!!

      • No no, his beard had some guy's nutsack. Not sure why Dali wasn't with her, tho.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      I thought maybe she got caught up in one of those Telepod experiments that Jeff Goldblum carried out, but instead of a fly being in the pod, it was Jay Leno.

  • Bezoar

    How come his voice doesn't get fainter as he walks away from her?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Truly good Shakepearean actors learn how to broadcast their voice.

      • Projection, you mean.

        • BaldarTFlagass

          That's the word I was looking for. Thanks, Mr Thesaurus!

          • WhatTheHeck

            My voice coach always used to say: “Broadcast. Broadcast.”
            Maybe that’s why I never became an actor.

          • i think you mean 'mr actor'.

            also, i'm pretty sure the answer is body mic.

      • tweeksmom

        Clip-on microphone….

    • lunchbox360

      Wow! Even the Doppler Effect hates them.

  • chicken_thief

    How can she manage to drive a car with that aspirin between her knees?!

    • larrykat

      Apparently it doesn't matter if Gino has a really small pecker.

    • YasserArraFeck

      That's not an aspirin – Guido's earbuds got left behind after….you know…..

      ugh

  • Baconzgood

    Should I watch this? Should I really watch this? Her life is such a train wreck I don't think I should.

    • Bezoar

      Not only should you watch it, you should save it to trot out whenever you need a benchmark to gauge the unfathomable stupidity of something.

      • Baconzgood

        A sort of hill billy yard stick eh?

        • YasserArraFeck

          What the hillbillies call a tree in winter

    • va_real

      And indeed there will be time
      To wonder, 'Do I dare?' and, 'Do I dare?

      • Barb_

        VA_ did you notice that she had a solid, plain band on the ring finger of her left hand? That doesn't mean they are "pretend married" that just means that someone left an Avon catalog in her mailbox.

        • Antispandex

          That's one of those virginity promise band thingies. She's having a second go at it.

      • NellCote71

        Disturb the universe?

  • Gino: Alaska's answer to Kevin Federline.

    • Tripp calls him "K-Fag," prolly.

    • He set the dance floors on fire with his dope beats! Well in Europe he did.

      • Jennyjen798

        K-Fed at least had rhythm and an unearned sense of importance. Gino is just a poor man's K-Fed. Yeah, there can't be a a more devastating comparison in life than that.

  • bureaucrap

    Good God. Can't this spokesmodel for trailer trash stop being a attention whore for even one second? Must be something in mooselini's genes that makes her act this way.

  • randcoolcatdaddy

    This would be better if acted by puppets.

    • Serolf_Divad

      You mean it wasn't?

    • Antispandex

      Isn't almost EVERYTHING?

    • I was thinking yesterday, as I watched something about Michael Jackson's mother being missing/abducted/runaway/whatever, that the subject cried out for Keith Olbermann's puppet theater. This, also too.

    • the big indonesian shadow puppets is what i'm thinking.

    • Nowisallthereis

      Claymation

      • Nothingisamiss

        I could definitely see this in claymation.

        Which means the coffee has started to kick in.

  • chicken_thief

    Why the fuck is that goober wearin' his hat like that?! He ain't even blah.

  • elviouslyqueer

    I'm sorry, but I couldn't hear Gino's impassioned speechifying through all those layers and layers and layers of camouflage.

    • ThankYouJeebus

      For camouflage it's awfully loud.

    • OneYieldRegular

      If he's trying to hunt something in a city park, he's wearing quite the wrong outfit.

    • pdiddycornchips

      Could this just be a coincidence?

      Cal Ripken's mother in violent abduction

      "Vi Ripken described her abductor as a tall, thin white man with glasses wearing camouflage clothing, but police had no other details."

    • and yet, we could still see him. Strange.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    At least one horrible show that we are not getting a rambling, blow-by-blow account of. Yay!

    • Could you rephrase that "blow-by-blow" part? Please?

    • dude you are so getting hell from mom.

    • prommie

      I'm gonna take credit for shaming her off that shit,. And for the fucking Jindal exorcism coming up again. I should get paid, dammit.

  • Tequila Mockingbird

    As an Eye-talian-'Merican, I am offended by the term "guido." Well, okay, I take that back – I'm more offended by Ragu commercials and the Olive Garden. And heart-stringing guitar/violin muzak soundtracks on fourth-rate reality showz. Also, too.

    • Goonemeritus

      I hear you sister, just watching people put cheese on a fish dish can set me off. Say what you want about us Italians we have a strong moral compass.

      • NellCote71

        Yes, you do. Especially when it comes to cheese on fish and cappuccino after 11 a.m., much less after dinner.

        Funny story. Short version. Lived in Italy. I was at a trattoria. Italian man orders a shrimp and spaghetti dish with red sauce. Later calls waiter over and asks for parmigiano. Waiter says no, it is a seafood dish. Man says there wasn't enough shrimp to qualify for a seafood dish, so he wants parmesan to finish off the spaghetti. Waiter complies.

        • Goonemeritus

          If morals are conditional than they are just preferences. Wisely most Italians that were correctly brought up are mainly rigid about issues surrounding food. The average Italian will know at least 50 filthy Pope jokes.

    • va_real

      They offend me too, but I'm not Italian. Does that make me racisty?

    • Isyaignert

      Italians are the best lovers in the world, IMHO.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Dude's Emmy nomination is sewed up!

  • ProgressiveInga

    First Jennifer and Brad, then Tipper and Al. Now Brisket and Guido. I blame teh gay.

    • NellCote71

      TomKat, though? Who do you blame for that?

      • ProgressiveInga

        L. Ron Hubbard?

      • elviouslyqueer

        Oh girl, please.

  • savethispatient

    So… Bristol is single? I was just wondering. For a friend.

    • chicken_thief

      Friends don't let friends ride Brisdull – no matter how drunk they get.

    • If by "single," you mean alone tonight, no.

    • That must be some serious grudge you got there STP.

      • savethispatient

        With friends like me, who needs enemies?

    • I think it's too late to savethispatient.

      • savethispatient

        Haha, I real-life lol'ed. Or "laughed", I guess the kids are calling it these days.

    • kittensdontlie

      Yes, she's a catch!….but please don't attempt that stunt without professional supervision.

    • you can woo her if she can do any of the following:

      1. find your home country on a map (no labels!)
      2. name a politician from your home country. (or jude law. you can consider hugh grant but i think that's cheating…)
      3. name a clash song. (or a spice girl.)

      this should give you ample scope.

      which you will need.

  • ph7

    No access to birth control = another tragedy, heartbreak, severed lives and possibilities, confused child suffering under immature parents.

    Bristol and her control freak mother ought to take that reality on a road show and sell that book to the churches and the trolls at the Walmart book signings.

  • Isn't there some saying like the acorn doesn't fall far from the tree, but it involves horse apples?

    • just_a_head

      The shit doesn't fall far from the horse's ass?

    • I had a college roommate whose favorite expression was, "Birds fly high, but they shit on the ground." She was stoned ALL the time.

    • Nostrildamus

      The apple doesn't fall far from the horse.

  • Serolf_Divad

    So here's your troubling thought for the day: If Gino dived in front of an assassin's bullet to save Bristol, would she be worthy of the sacrifice?

    • Bezoar

      Maybe it would actually have been suicide?

      • I couldn't possibly fist this enough: Gino would have stood up in Aurora

    • anniegetyerfun

      Haha, no, she is female, dumb question.

    • what are you on fire today?

    • Antispandex

      Those sorts of heady philosophical debates are out of place when talking of things Palin. Too elitist.

  • ThankYouJeebus

    I think Guido spoke for all Americans regarding the Palins: I'm fuckin' done.

  • MissTaken

    Good thing they were only in a 'trial marriage'. Courts take forever to split up the meth lab property in a divorce.

    • SorosBot

      What's the difference between a 'trial marriage' and just moving in together like normal couples do before getting married, anyway?

      • bobbert

        You don't think living with Bristol would be a fucking trial?

      • Antispandex

        Well…you meet the in-laws. Then there is all of the running and screaming…

  • Antispandex

    Prolly not the last time she will be dumped, too, also.

    • Isyaignert

      Prolly not, also, too. also. Wink wink, also too.

  • SayItWithWookies

    I can't watch this — I spent the last 90 minutes trapped in a cubicle with three managers — I can't afford to let my brain melt any more.

    • Well, there's one good thing about being long-term unemployed. I don't have to do that. I also don't have to put on make-up at 7 a.m. and wear shoes that hurt all day. Somehow I don't feel that my brain is any less melty, though. Thank you, Wonkette.

      • SayItWithWookies

        Sorry about that — every time I bitch about my job, I realize that I'm lucky just to have one.

        • No, you ARE allowed to complain. "Lucky" people are those with inherited wealth.
          Like certain yung'uns who start their businesses with $10 million in seed money from DearOldMormonDad
          OR certain pretend real estate "magnates" who built their exaggerated empire on Dad's thriving business and still get to marry Russian models in million-dollar weddings after they've gone bankrupt twice
          OR people who are so rich they can give away millions to Newt Gingrich or Rick Santorum just for the lulz.

          I'd bet my last dime that your jobs sucks because, in any just universe (or socialist nation or even France), three people would be doing it, not you alone. Happy Hump Day.

          • SayItWithWookies

            Thank you. And you know, I'd rather be overworked, underpaid me than any of those bastards anyway.

            But yeah, we've glorified both the pathological love of money and the Marlboro Man fake rugged independent mythology — and therefore, every rich motherfucker clearly got there with the sweat of his own brow, probably ends his day smelling like woodsmoke and axle grease when not in a three-piece suit, and revolutionized at least one significant market sector with his daring new ideas.

          • He ends his day wearing that fake-work barn jacket (probably trimmed in Hermes leather) favored by he-men such as Rick Perry and Scott Brown.

    • pdiddycornchips

      Three managers and you all on one cube? That's a lot of people in a small space. Are you a circus clown?

      • SayItWithWookies

        No, I aspire to be a circus clown — right now I'm just a low drone.

        • Isyaignert

          And we luvs you Wookies! Hang in there and save your money so someday you can say "buh-bye" to bosses.

  • MLite

    I love how they both play with their hair when they're frustrated. It's cute.

    • According to my TV, that's the beginning of ending up in matching bathtubs.

  • Goonemeritus

    When the inevitable trickle down prosperity caresses our whole nation like a gentle rain. I hope my children don’t let their new found affluence spoil them like this

  • The make up sex is guaranteed to yield Palin kid #52.

  • OneYieldRegular

    Use condoms.

  • Trannysurprise

    Isn't it about time for Bristol to become a grandma? Is Tripp a butt pirate and that's why?

  • SexySmurf

    This shit is still on, and I have to wait till next year for new episodes of The Client List?

    Your Life. Your Time. My Ass.

    • NellCote71

      And Game of Thrones not until spring 2014? There is no God.

    • AncienReggie

      The call it the Lifetime channel because that's how long each show seems to last.

  • Extemporanus

    "For never was a story of more woe
    Than this of Grifterette and her Guido."

    • user-of-towels

      Tale told by an idiot indeed.

      • NellCote71

        Sound and fury, full of nothing.

        • docterry6973

          Yeah, maybe Brisket should pretend to die and Guido will be all like, oh woe is me and then they an get back together and blow right out of Verona and…wait, that won't work.

    • You are all full of win!

  • YasserArraFeck

    Guido's barely coherent blubbering reminds me of Sly Stallone at the end of First Blood. Sly's a regular Laurence Olivier in comparison, though, and he wasn't wearing a stupid fucking cap.

    • pdiddycornchips

      wetriedtowinbuttheywouldn'tletuswinWAAAA!!!

      Great movie. Richard Crenna, Brian Denahey, and a pre-douchebag David Caruso.

  • Gino: "This is fucking stupid!"

    Truer words have never been spoken.

  • These magic Christians reminded me of this scene:

    "Guy Grand fills up a huge vat with urine, blood and animal excrement and adds to it thousands of bank notes. Attracting a crowd of onlookers by announcing 'Free money!', Grand successfully entices the city's workers to recover the cash."

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Loves me some Thunderclap Newman.

    • Isyaignert

      I will never forget that film. Brilliant!!

  • joobajooba

    Tracey Jordan without the IQ?

  • calliecallie

    We can only hope that maybe, before Bristol dumped him, Gino got her pregnant.

    Poor Tripp.

    • Blunderthing

      Yes, the grifting cycle must really be imprinting on this little sprout.

  • It's a set-up. In Episode X, when Bristle is surrounded by murderous Blah Meskin socialists, he'll come galloping back to save her.

  • All of the Angels in heaven are crying!

  • An_Outhouse

    She needs to find some one with matching camo. Wearing 'woodland' with 'open field' or 'desert casual' fucks with my head.

  • prommie

    Now this shit does truly make me want to jump off a fucking bridge. This is a sign of the end times. This is proof that I am doomed ever to fail in this world, because, you see, I am intelligent and honest and rational, and this fucking shit here is the proof that the world is nothing but stupid, lying and crazy and I just ain't got the requisite stupid lying and crazy, like for example a Trump, to succeed. This fucking stupid lying crazy shitbag probably gets paid more per episode than I make a year with a BA, JD, and MA and honors sauce on that shit. Motherfucking waste of my motherfucking time.

    • pdiddycornchips

      Prommie, this is why I love you. If you don't already have a stalker, I would like to apply.
      I have excellent references.

      • prommie

        Thank you for your interest, but I must inform you that the position has been filled.

        • FakaktaSouth

          Ahem, what's all this now? (taptaptap)

          • prommie

            I said the position is filled!

  • coolhandnuke

    Worst episode of "Breaking Bad" ever.

    • NellCote71

      Now, if we could return to that choking on her own vomit scene . . .

  • All it needed was a boombox blasting In Your Eyes.

    • They'll get to that. Only the song will be Jimmy Buffett's Why Don't We Get Drunk and Screw.

  • Blunderthing

    It's White Trash 101: I'm an asshole but I wear a t-shirt that says I care, so, shut the fuck up and do what I say. Or I'll cry. Or hit you. Whatever works.

  • PuckStopsHere

    Which work of Shakespeare are these two performing? I ask because this is clearly art and art at its finest.

  • AlaskaGrrl

    "This is stupid!"

    Ah, the light dawns?

  • LOL, he's not wearing Camo pants. LOSER!

    • va_real

      Have you ever bumped into someone wearing camo just so that you could say, "I'm so sorry- I didn't see you standing there"?

  • Does this lessen or strengthen her shot at high office later in life?

  • RadioBowels

    C'mon Guido, cheer up. Guess who has the next Lifetime Channel reality show spin-off?

  • pdiddycornchips

    I would rather watch two old men in diapers play cribbage in the dark than watch a second of the Snowbilly clan's reality show(s). In a world that made sense, they would be back in Wasilla cooking meth in the backyard trailer until they got caught or blew themselves to smithereens.

  • owhatever

    Be fair. It's difficult for Goober to live in the shadow of Levi. Brisket now shall fall in love with a quiet, rich, well-spoken fellow who loves her for the woman she is. They will announce the engagement at his 60th birthday party next month.

  • TribecaMike

    You would think someone with a PhD from University of Phoenix would be able to pick 'em better.

  • gullywompr

    Wait!! Is that a wedding ring on her left hand? No wonder he's tortured! SHE IS ALREADY GAY MARRIED!!! Jerome Corsi will be doing a WND hit piece on it any second now.

  • valgal2342

    Run Guido Run!

  • mavenmaven

    They will make up and get back together on Aug 1 at a Chick-Fil-A.

    • Tundra Grifter

      On August 1st all the Wonketters should go to a Chick-Fil-A and when we get to the counter ask like a million questions.

      "What part of the chicken is that?" "Are you sure it just isn't 'parts?' Cause, ya know, 'parts is parts.'"

      "What sides come with the thighs?"

      "Do you serve gay people? Oh – I thought you served chicken."

      And then just give up and leave.

      Or go to the end of the line and repeat.

  • Nostrildamus

    Next episode: Bristol and Gino bump heads inducing amnesia, but no one notices.

  • dennis1943

    So this is what i've been missing….?……………define missing…….

  • Franknflower

    He's totally fapping at 0:28. Fapping is the current lingo for polishing the flute, isn't it?

  • Typodong3

    Thank god Guido is fully miked so we can hear every word of his incoherent rant as he wanders away from Bristol. It really helps maintain that "reality" feeling to this scene. And.. cut! Its a wrap!

  • rocktonsam

    thats some mighty fine grifting, mighty fine

    somewhere mama grizzly is dabbing her moist eyes with hundred dollar bills

  • PhilippePetain

    I love the violins juxtaposed with these two American heroes.

  • Tundra Grifter

    Living in SF and being a Giants' fan, there isn't a damn thing an LA Dodger fan can do that I would agree with or approve of.

    However, that woodland cammo Dodgers' cap has to be the dumbest garment I've ever seen. First of all, it should be urban cammi. LA IS A CITY.

    Second of all, it just shouldn't be. Period.

    • Hater!

      • Tundra Grifter

        The Giants used to have a tv ad where one of their relievers said "Of course I hate the Dodgers. Doesn't everybody?"

  • Tundra Grifter

    Personally, I think "Are we just going to sit here and talk about our feelings?" is a classic.

  • Jennyjen798

    So… when are the two star crossed lovers going to take their own lives? Need moar Shakespearean tragedy.

    • Nostrildamus

      "A Palin Family Hamlet" would sure leave the audiences smiling at the finale.

  • carlosmuecke

    Why doesn't he just come out and say "Fuck You, You Fucking Fuck!" Instead, he pisses around and only drops Fuck in every other word…c'mon on guy, MAN UP!

  • chascates

    I hope she saves some money from this gig. Her kid is going to need so much psychotherapy.

  • WinterOuthouse

    John McCain and Guido, both suffering with numb nuts. Grab your sac boys it's spreading like plague!

  • StealthMuslin

    It's like The Philadelphia Story recast with talking apes…

  • ttommyunger

    Well at least this explains why Bristle is so bow-legged: Guido doesn't remove his hat when he eats.

  • Serolf_Divad

    OK, quick question here: who watches this show? People who admire the Palins? Or people who despise them?

  • mosjef

    Take some of that sweet TV dough and by they selfs a double wide.

  • moseyon

    Bristol is a bitch, her mother is bitchy, her show is about bitchiness.

  • No one else has noticed the resemblance between Shannen Doherty & new chinned Bristol Bay?

  • JCfromNC

    The novel version of Frankenstein's monster could actually have done a better job. He was pretty articulate and intelligent.

  • Stevola

    In the book, Frankenstein's monster was intelligent.

  • LetUsBray

    Wait, Guido left? Who's going to tell us when it's Valentimes?

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Still. Will. Not. Watch.

  • ElPinche

    It's like an episode of Girls except with more cunts.

  • Darklady

    What's important is how thoughtful and concerned Bristol is about Tripp's feelings.

    Man, she is one crappy mom. She doesn't even come across like a very decent human being. Gino's lucky. It's Tripp who's trapped.

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