Golden ParachuteBeing in the upper echelons of management at a bank must be better than being a rock star, really, because no matter what you do, people will still fall all over themselves to fellate you and shower you with cash. Like, for example, the billions and billions of dollars that the government gives to JP Morgan every year, for no clear reason. Or  the time Jim DeMint treated JP Morgan CEO Jamie Dimon to a tongue bath when he appeared before the Senate Banking Committee to explain why his bank lost $2 billion dollars in a single trade. Except HEY it’s going to be a lot more than $2 billion dollars, more like $6 billion. Or maybe $9 billion. Who knows! It’s complicated. You probably wouldn’t understand, because it’s just so complicated. But you know who would understand is Ina Drew, the CIO who presided over this $2 billion $6 billion $9 billion loss. And! And! Although she has resigned from her position with JP Morgan due to her responsibility for this multi BILLION dollar loss, she is getting a parting gift of $21.5 million because JP Morgan apparently could not find “cause” to terminate her.

Via Bloomberg:

JPMorgan Chase & Co. (JPM)’s decision to let Chief Investment Officer Ina Drew retire four days after the bank disclosed a $2 billion loss in her division allowed her to walk away with about $21.5 million in stock and options. Drew, who resigned May 14, can keep $17.1 million in unvested restricted shares and about $4.4 million in options that she otherwise would have been required to forfeit if the New York-based bank had terminated her employment “with cause,” according to regulatory filings and estimates from consulting firm Meridian Compensation Partners LLC.

Whatever business you’re in, it’s the wrong one. Get into the business of being an Important Person Who Matters. Accountability is for Poors. Also, don’t be so HYSTERICAL over this; you’re not looking at the context! It’s the context that matters!

“You have to look at the whole scenario,” said Paul Sorbera, president of executive search firm Alliance Consulting in New York. “This woman was running a $370 billion portfolio, and a $2 billion or $3 billion loss is 1 percent”… The CIO earned a peak of $3.7 billion in 2009. “In the credit crisis, when banks were losing tens of billions of dollars, she was making money,” Sorbera said.

See, when banks were losing tens of billions of dollars, and millions of ordinary Americans were losing their jobs and their homes and literally killing themselves, this woman, well, she was making money! BILLIONS OF DOLLARS in money! So, yeah. Put that way, what’s a $2 billion $6 billion $9 billion loss?


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  • Crank_Tango

    This is why we need more deregulation.

    • What? She merely engaged in the time honored corporatocratic practice of privatizing her profits while socializing her losses! There's no reason to regulate that!

      • Crank_Tango

        Freedom isn't free!!!

        • Yes. Apparently, it costs the shareholders of JPMorgan Chase $21.5 million

    • DahBoner

      It's OBVIOUS to the most stupid (sic) Teabagger, regulation is the devil, which MADE them do it!!!

  • nounverb911

    Please give it to her in pennies, dropped from a helicopter, on her head.

  • Billmatic

    I got fired one time for "moving around too much" and I didn't get anything but unemployment. I hate these people. That's not even a joke.

    • anniegetyerfun

      Wait, like "moving around too much" as in you changed residences frequently? Or physically moved too much around the office/business?

      • Billmatic

        Physically moving around, I am prone to cubicle grooving to keep me from falling into a black hole of despair. Also I have to stretch sometimes. Also, sometimes I had to poop. That's apparently frowned upon unless you're senior management.

        This was the kind of place that hassles you for leaving at 458 even though you showed up 10 mins early.

        • Billmatic

          I should also add that this was an axillary service to the bankster class: asset management.

          They also had "non mandatory" weekly prayer meetings hosed by the CEO and attended by the entire HR department. But since Scalia said it's okay to discriminate against anyone for whatever reason as long as you don't write it down, I didn't bother to get a lawyer.

          • anniegetyerfun

            Holy fuck. I've worked for some real assholes in my life, but never had anyone bring religion into the office. Mind you, I got plenty of that in high school, where our teachers had absolutely no issues preaching the word of Jesus Christ right in the middle of geometry.

          • proudgrampa

            "So you see how the triangle would remind you of the Holy Trinity…"

          • BoatOfVelociraptors

            Nah. Geometry requires proofs.

            Alternately: " I can submit my homework on faith?".

          • tessiee

            "since Scalia said it's okay to discriminate against anyone for whatever reason as long as you don't write it down, I didn't bother to get a lawyer."

            A lawyer who specializes in labor law told me that if somebody fires you for illegal reasons, you need to actually have a videotape of them saying it, and even then, you're not guaranteed to win the suit. Apparently, corporations can afford a huge team of identically dressed, nasal-voiced lawyers a la Mr. Burns, and I can't.

          • Billmatic

            That People vs. Wal-Mart case or whatever it was called is easily one of the most disturbing Supreme Court verdicts out of a huge bucket of disturbing Supreme Court verdicts.

          • Billmatic

            Dammit i can't fix anxillary. obviously going for ancillary. Although it was an armpit of an industry, so I guess i can play it off as a witty play on words.

    • UW8316154

      I got called out for "fidgeting" during a 3 day, 10-hour-a-day meeting on how to transform healthcare sponsored by an insurance company. The man next to me was sound asleep; I was reprimanded for pointing that out.

      • Billmatic

        I had "doodling during training" come up during a performance review. I decided it was against my best interest to say "Well it was the 90th time I had to listen to the same damn presentation and then listen to management rip their perfectly acceptable presentation apart with the most mundane, trivial criticisms they could think of. So I started drawing a cartoon about Drake's eyebrows on vacation at South Padre."

        • tessiee

          We all had to sit through a really boring training video of stuff we all knew to begin with, like, "Don't curse at customers". My supervisor asked us afterwards what we thought. Trying to be tactful, I said that it made some good points.

          I later said to a co-worker that I thought it was a big waste of two hours. My supervisor called me into her cube and said that if I thought it was a waste of time, I should have said so, "instead of lying". I said that I hadn't lied, I said that it made some good points — which it had — but I *also* thought that it wasn't a good use of our time.

          The really funny part of it is that she confronted me, with no sense of shame whatsoever, about a conversation that she overheard by eavesdropping at the keyhole.

  • I lost $21.50 and got called out on the carpet once.

    • Generation[redacted]

      $21.50 isn't nearly enough. You need to try harder.

      • I know. I'm ashamed of how low my standards are.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Yesterday, I found $1.77 in dimes and pennies while disassembling my clothes dryer in hopes of fixing it. And the new motor I ended up ordering for it only costs about $80.

      I think my dryer deserves a bonus.

  • I got a pretty neat Pen and Pencil set when I left my last job.

  • prommie

    Hey, you need to pay that much to get that level of talent and accomplishment! If they had paid him one penny less, they might have lost $20 billion! He saved them $11 billion! Your all just looking at it backwards.

    • FakaktaSouth

      She's a girl you sexist. we women folk can fuck shit up just as well, nay, dare I say, better than any penis toting asshole out there. We got PMS and such to guide us. All kinds of terrible shit, all the time.

      • It's a wonder you ladies learned how to give blow jobs.

        • Baconzgood

          Or make sandwiches.

          • If only they could make blow job sammiches…

          • cheetojeebus

            while ironing my shirts.

          • BoatOfVelociraptors

            Have you seen the Internet?

        • FakaktaSouth

          Learned? Please. Baby, some of us were born for blowing, without a doubt.
          And some guys were born to NEVER EVER deserve to have this happen to them. EVER.

          • I'm going to need proof, my love….

          • prommie

            With that kind of lame game, you might just BE the proof of the second half of the observation.

          • Jealousy is such an ugly trait, n'est ce pas?

          • prommie

            Oh come now, flirting with some degree of panache is all well and good, but just blurting out "blowjobs" appropro of nothing is far from smooth. Sammitches and ironing, now those were witty comments.

        • prommie

          Hey at least they do learn how, whereas there are entirely too many guys who haven't a clue what to do with their tongues except flail at that thang and aggravate the poor girl.

          • And your point is….?

          • UW8316154

            …that if the choice is between someone knawing at my lady parts or doing my taxes, I'm doing my taxes.

          • tessiee

            Hint: If you do it like a beaver building a dam, that's probably not a Good Thing.

        • UW8316154

          Practice, practice!

      • prommie

        How is that worse than doing all your thinking with that little head, instead of the one on your shoulders, which is what most dudes are doing most of the time.

        • FakaktaSouth

          Mkay, not worse, just equally bad. But at least guys will do nice things to assuage the dick part's need to be paid attention to – estrogen can make you blow shit up to spite yourself, as long as you get the bitch out.

          • prommie

            Above all, though, one must not bitch out.

        • cheetojeebus

          My little head is having a hard time following you. please explain.

          • Boobies.


          • prommie

            When it comes to boobies, ALL men have ADD.

          • tessiee

            But not all men have boobies.

      • prommie

        You know, the real terrible shit is that I am right in that area where the Bush economic collapse actually did cost me pretty much any hope of economic independence (freedom from wage slavery) that I ever had. I ain't bragging, but between the losses and lack of gains in my retirement account and the total be-fucking of all the equity in my fucking house, I lost maybe something in the mid-6-figures. So now instead of thinking "I got me some breathing room, at last, after working for 30 years," I'm thinking "God I hope nothing happens to interrupt this supply of paychecks, cause if I miss one, I am fucked."

        • tessiee

          Living from paycheck to paycheck was a lot more fun when I was 22.

  • Barb

    "..millions of ordinary of Americans losing their jobs…."

    When unemployment goes down, the credit goes to the state's governor. If unemployment goes up, it is the president's fault unless the president is a republican, in which case it is Congress's fault (unless the Speaker of the House is a republican, in which case it is then Barney Frank's fault.)

  • She was distracted by being pregnant with John Edwards' baby. We've all been there.

  • YasserArraFeck

    When, oh when, will one of these cocksuckers get a lead parachute and a golden shower as they're booted out the door?

    • MosesInvests

      How about a lead shower? (like 9mm?) With votes, of course!

  • Fucking up is usually a pretty good cause… but based on what I've heard about execubot contracts that language (like references to competence and integrity) are excised out of said contracts.

  • smashedinhat

    Failing up redefined once again. This is one great circle jerk to be a member of. Even if you don't have a member.

  • Baconzgood

    “In the credit crisis, when banks were losing tens of billions of dollars, she was making money,”

    Maybe because she was shorting her own complex mortgage derivatives?

    • PubOption

      d(mortgage)/dt = what exactly, and where do complex numbers fit in.

      • sullivanst

        Don't even tempt me to go looking up the papers about using Feynman path integrals to optimize a "zero risk" (FUNNY!) derivative-writing strategy.

        • PubOption

          if it was that easy, anyone could do it, and the banks wouldn't need to pay their execs millions.

          • sullivanst

            Yeah, like the execs have the first idea what their quants are talking about.

  • CrunchyKnee

    The invisible hand likes to stroke this broad. Free market hawtness for a few, free market ass kicking for the rest of us.

  • You know, if I somehow caused my institution to lose $9 Billion, not only would I be fired without a generous severance package, but given the limited number of ways one might manage to do that, I'd probably also get arrested and/or sued while I was at it.

    I clearly went into the wrong line of work.

    • YasserArraFeck

      If I lost $9 bn, my severance package would most likely be my package, severed and handed to me as I was thrown out the freight door.

  • Not_So_Much

    As long as she isn't getting free healthcare, I think we can all be happy about this.

  • Schmannnity

    Best of all, when she sells $21.5 million in stock, or whatever it has grown to by then, she'll pay 15% or less in tax on it.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      That's to reward her for all the job creatin' she does.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Sounds to me like Ina Drew and Paul Sorbera's petards are in desperate need of hoisting.

  • An_Outhouse

    21 mil? She must give good head.

  • SorosBot

    I once had an interview at a law firm that worked for the mega-banks. It was the worst job interview I ever had, the guy who interviewed me was one of the biggest assholes I'd ever met and he completely looked down on anyone who didn't work in the financial industry, thinking they were all somehow better than everyone else and he told me to my face that he thought there must be something wrong with me because I went to a top-tier school and didn't start working for "Morgan Stanley or Goldman Sachs" right after college.


    • AbandonHope

      That, right there, is why they all have to burn.

      Oh, I'm sorry, did I say that out loud? I meant… bu… burp. Yeah. That's it.

    • tessiee

      I had an interview for a job on the staff of this guy who was king of the doctors — or thought he was — spoiled baby with a mean temper. The woman who was interviewing me said, with a perfectly straight face and serious, worshipful demeanor, "Our mission is to make sure that Dr. Godly [not his real name] never has to hear No for an answer — about anything".
      [Sideshow Bob shudder]
      I thought, but did not say, "Thanks for the warning".

  • Well the honorable Mr. Representative Duke Cunningham is still drawing his Congressional pension while residing in Club Fed Tuscon.

  • Serolf_Divad

    Suckers! I'd have lost them twice as much for half as much.

    • I think there's a job open over there. You could use that in your cover letter.

  • larrykat

    Is that her rap name?

  • WhatTheHolyHeck

    This makes total sense. She was just being paid an appropriate separation fee. When one of my old staffers got his drawer count wrong by $40, though, he totally needed to be fired and reported to the police. Fair is fair.

  • Deserves that kind of money? Well, me.

    Need? No, not really.

  • Callyson

    What could Chase's motivation have been? How is this in their broader corporate interests? Oh…

    Because she was allowed to retire and keep that money, the company probably won’t claw back her bonuses, pay specialists said.
    “If she was fired for cause, it would be a strong argument for clawbacks,” Sorbera said. “Since she wasn’t fired for cause, there is an argument that she was performing her duties satisfactorily despite this one particular loss.”
    Dimon, 56, told lawmakers June 13 that the bank probably will seek to reclaim past bonuses from executives responsible for the loss. The clawbacks will be “somewhat limited” to what employees received in the previous two years, he said.

    I don't claw your back, you don't claw mine…


    • Too, there's the whole "performance evaluation" thing so she'd probably sue on any number of grounds that this was a one-off and her job performance was stellar.

      This is a little like a doctor saying, "OK, yes, I murdered this one guy, but look how many tonsils I took out!"

  • sullivanst

    “You have to look at the whole scenario,” said Paul Sorbera, president of executive search firm Alliance Consulting in New York. “This woman was running a $370 billion portfolio, and a $2 billion or $3 billion loss is 1 percent”… The CIO earned a peak of $3.7 billion in 2009. “In the credit crisis, when banks were losing tens of billions of dollars, she was making money,” Sorbera said.

    Well, her department was making money, she wasn't personally making all that money, and her department was making money by taking exactly the kinds of ill-advised bets that caused the loss.

    Plus, I'm guessing she took enormous bonuses when her department was in profit. Oh look, she did. Now that it's posting huge losses, she should not be rewarded for failure. Is that really so hard to understand?

    • The key to gambling is to know when to quit. Clearly she should have been fired for that principle alone.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        If she'd quit gambling, they would have fired her, for not doing her job.

        • sullivanst

          Because every smart person knows that gambling is the best way to reduce risk.

          What's that? You don't agree? Ah but you don't work in the finance sector, so you can't possibly be smart!

      • tessiee

        Kenny Rogers libel!

  • GorzoTheMighty

    She will be able to create alot of jobs with that $21.5 million. Hopefully a pool boy position will become availiable. Any takers?

    • Not even with yours, my friend. Not even with yours.

      • sullivanst

        And just remember – that's after a professional photographer's done everything he or she can do to make her look as good as possible.

        • tessiee

          But before she created jerbs for the plastic surgeons who specialize in chin lifts.

    • tessiee

      For 21 million, I'd clean her pool with my tongue.

  • Estproph

    As of 2010, global net worth was $194.5 trillion held by 4.4 billion people. So really, she only lost 1/10,000 of all possible assets. That's not a big deal, really. And if you look at it on a universal scale, she lost nothing at all.

  • Goonemeritus

    Look you got to lose money to lose money

  • prommie

    Greetings, Comrade! Long live the glorious workers revolution! Seriously, when we starting the commune?

    • FakaktaSouth

      Well, first I have to figure out how to use a phone without blowing shit up for no reason – deleting things on accident and stuff could be bad if we have a fortress of doooom with a red phone or something. Oh yeah, I want a fortress of doom in the commune, and a big old garage for MY Camaro.

      • BigSkullF*ckingDog

        We need to start a cult. Then we won't have to pay taxes.

        • FakaktaSouth

          Oh hells yeah – we don't wanna be giving the government none of our sweet sweet pornos for Jesus money, that would be such a waste!

          • prommie

            L Ron was kinda a genius, hmmm, this has possibilities.

  • MissTaken

    When I worked for an I-bank it was written in my performance appraisal that I giggle too much. I'm sure JPM could've found something similarly as stupid as giggling to terminate her employment 'with cause' if they really tried.

    • sullivanst

      It's not exactly a matter for a small-claims court here. I'm sure she's got plenty left over from last year's bonus to hire a decent lawyer.

    • anniegetyerfun

      I fucking hate investment banks.

      • MissTaken

        They are truly dickless dicks.

  • Goonemeritus

    Let us celebrate the breaking of the Glass Ceiling in Banking Douche-baggery.

    • tessiee

      Or the Glass-Steagal ceiilng.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Whoop-de-doo. I get a free case of beer with every paycheck from my employer.

    • 738838

      Do you work for Rolling Rock?

      • BigSkullF*ckingDog

        Ew, gross!

    • prommie

      Which microbrewer? Please tell me its DogfishHead?

      • BigSkullF*ckingDog


    • tessiee

      Look, will you stop saying that? Ed and Larry at the package store have told you, time and time again, that the beer is NOT free!

  • scvirginia

    In somewhat related news, who would like to speculate about how Nob Diamond's resignation from Barclays will affect Romney's London fundraiser?

    • proudgrampa

      For people who understand it (and I am not claiming any expertise) it seems to me that manipulating LIBOR is a really serious, fucked-up deal. Why would Rmoney or anyone else want to be associated with such an unethical, if not illegal, scheme?

      Of course, it's Mitt we're talking about here, and I suppose he ain't gonna care.

      • sullivanst

        Manipulating LIBOR would change everyone's credit card rates on the planet, most mortgage rates, and a hell of a lot of other stuff, so yeah, a BFD.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      As a social host, Diamond is about as popular in London as Bernie Madoff would be in New York … but that won't stop US ex-pat billionaires from showing up with open checkbooks. And if the checkbooks are there, Mitt will be there with open arms.

  • fawkedifiknow

    Her golden parachute is 1% of the loss, if it was "only" two billion dollars. Knowing how this works, if the loss turns out to be 9 billion dollars, they will owe her another 70 million dollars.

  • hagajim

    Ina Drew? Are you kidding me??!! Hell she should change her name to I withdrew…$21.5 million in a fucking golden parachute for being an incompetent fuckwad! And people wonder why we are sick of the Wall Street dicks. Jeebus Chripes on a cracker!

  • Sassomatic

    I'm pretty sure the only way I could lose 9 billion dollars at my job would be to burn down the entire university. Admittedly, I could probably work out a deal with our governor for a payoff. But just a couple hundred grand. Public work just doesn't pay.

    • Terry

      Toddle over to aerospace engineering. You could badly design an O-ring here, badly design or program a component for a Mars explorer there, and the costs would pile up.

  • shortsandpants

    In case anybody was wondering whether getting into fraud was a good idea or not, I think you have your answer now. Start small, though. Make sure you get your family members and close friends to cushion your empty portfolio before making it to the big game. Once you've made it, emphasize how badly you messed up and how many people you've hurt as a result of your stupidity. YOU WILL RAKE IN MILLIONS, my friends—MILLIONS as a result of your fraud. People complain that "nobody makes anything in the United States anymore." Well you can count those assholes out, because you just made MONEY out of THIN AIR.

  • Exhausted66

    Who does she think she is, a teacher?

  • Ruhe

    Plainly revealed…the vanity that lies at the root of our bizarre national slogan "American exceptionalism"…a very few of us are living lives that are so spectacularly good the rest of us should be glad to have the opportunity to just be around to witness and pay for it.

  • Pitchforks and torches anyone?

  • If you don't finish those vegetables, young lady, you're going to get a lot more cake. DON'T MAKE ME GET OUT THE ICE CREAM.

  • calliecallie
  • prommie

    So when a chick reaches this level of corporate lord high panjandrumness, do they call her a ''big swinging clit?"

  • James Michael Curley

    At a gathering last year I was talking with one of these young banker/broker heroes and found he could not grasp 'velocity of money' and got a real singing feeling in my stomach. Close to exact quote; "No, no; we don't worry about that since we have an almost unlimited authority to leverage our capital."

    • tessiee

      Sorta like my friend who had a job making collection calls, and the guy kept explaining to her, in complete seriousness, how he didn't HAVE to pay for the stuff he bought, because he PUT IT ON THE VISA CARD!*
      *I would like a card like that, or several.

  • SoBeach

    Giving someone who lost $9 billion a one time bonus that's 5-10 times more than most Americans will earn in their entire life — why not? Anything less would be class warfare and caving in to the politics of envy.

  • mormos

    come on guys, it's only like 10 million after taxes. How is anyone supposed to live on that in this economy?

  • This is just more proof that free markets don't work. After all, I would be willing to loose over $10 billion, and I would only ask for $5, million in compensation for that act. Come on, JP Morgan, hire me, and advance your profits!!!!

  • barto

    Hey, ya gotta lose money to make money, as they say.

  • zumpie

    Meanwhile, I sent an email to their "executive office" protesting all the customer unfriendly policies they enact and requesting a reduction in my interest rate. Nope, THAT would bankrupt them! But $21 million to this bitch for fucking up is good business.

  • tessiee

    " decision to let Chief Investment Officer Ina Drew retire four days after the bank disclosed a $2 billion loss in her division allowed her to walk away with about $21.5 million in stock and options. Drew, who resigned May 14, can keep $17.1 million in unvested restricted shares and about $4.4 million in options […]
    Whatever business you’re in, it’s the wrong one."

    Shit, I *guess*!

  • tessiee

    At the last non-temp job I had, I was laid off (actually, my whole team was eliminated) despite having 100% accuracy on my last audit. If I'd actually lost money for the company, I think they would have put me through a wood chipper feet first.

  • tessiee

    At this very moment, on Facebook, there is a thread of 200-plus comments on why the minimum wage should not be raised.

  • tessiee

    Jon Ronson article in

  • NYNYNYjr

    The context is important- 21.5 million is basically what she finds stuck to her skirt with static cling when she leaves the office. She steals twice that much every week to put towards her children's tuition at Newt Gingrich's Nazi Moon Academy. Yearly cost, including room and board: $500 Million.

  • sati_demise

    OK, true story: I owed the IRS $10.50. Of course I waited until the last day to pay, so had to go online to pay on time..

    The banks charged me $4.95 (convenience fee) to pay an IRS bill of $10.50

    Now that is how they make money these days.

  • asian_buns_rock

    What, Wonkette cant afford to buy an istockphoto anymore?

  • Fox n Fiends

    Hooray for the Cayman Islands!!!

  • Baba_NinjaCat12

    If she wants to keep $21.5 million dollars then she have to jump out of an airplane with a real parachute made of gold.

  • ttommyunger

    Dick Cheney, L. Paul Bremmer and Ken Lay (no, he's not dead) are probably sipping margaritas in a hot tub at an undisclosed location reading this with one word in a thought bubble over their heads: "PIKER!".

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