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Tipster ‘NotThatDewey’ has apparently landed himself on a heck of an email list, and now the down home, grassroots folks of the American Petroleum Institute EnergyCitizens.org would like him (and you!) to put together a one-minute video showing the positive wonderful and totally orgasmic benefits of fracking! Does fracking increase your girth for her pleasure? PROBABLY. Will it help you lose weight? HELL YEAH. Does it add that special frisson of excitement from not knowing when Ohio will get its next fracking-induced earthquake? Oh, indubitably!

EnergyCitizens.org is offering an iPad to the most popular “viewers choice” video about how fracking is fracking awesome. You are not going to get that iPad. In fact, we don’t even know how you’re supposed to send your video to them! Here is the link to submit your video to FrackNation! But more importantly, also send it to us, and you will be hosted for eternity and perpetuity and the last days of disco on Wonkette’s Youtube channel, once we make one.

Hop to it, Wonkers!

The specs: *FrackNation, a grassroots funded [ed note: tee hee!] documentary about hydraulic fracturing, is conducting a video contest between now and Sunday, and the three best videos will be featured in the documentary! *They are also giving away an iPad to the viewer’s choice*, so once you submit your video tell your friends and family to vote.

Your video can be serious or silly, but most importantly it should show the positive traits to energy production, and how good it can be for the U.S. economy. Here are the details:

* Your video must be *1 minute* long
* It *must show the positive benefits *of hydraulic fracturing
* Deadline is *June 25, 2012 at 11:59 PT *
* Viewer’s choice will receive an iPad

Show the world what you know about energy production and how great it can be for our economy. So, get your cameras and creativity rolling! We can’t wait to see your video.

And neither can we! OH RIGHT! To enter, please send your youtubed video to tips@wonkette.com, subject line “I Feel The Earth Move Under My Feet Because Fracking Has Been Scientifically Proven To Cause Earthquakes.” Remember the June 25 deadline!

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  • Jus_Wonderin

    I must say I am torn on this. NGas Royalties were supposed to be…my retirement. Oh well.

    Earthquakes and ignitable water are good things, right????

    • Flat_Earther

      "Earthquakes and ignitable water are good things, right????"

      It depends on how big the checks are.

    • Chichikovovich

      You're right that you won't see nearly as much money as you were led to expect, and so, yes, your retirement funds will be meagre. But on the plus side, if you keep living there you won't have to make the money last nearly as long!

  • Antispandex

    I don't need to go to the gas station anymore! If I need to fill up, I just run a hose to my tap, and bam, I'm in business. Ok, sure, it sucks when I need water, but still….

  • PubOption

    "People have lit their water long before fracking started", what was that about grammar?

    • James Michael Curley

      Also their farts.

  • Fairtackle

    Roasting weenies over the kitchen sink!

  • Fracking: it's lights up your life!
    Fracking: We're shaking things up!
    Fracking: Turning your harmless water gun into a semi-legal flamethrower since 1998.

    Can I have my iPad now, or do I need to suck more astroturf dick?

  • savethispatient

    A hearty handshake if someone manages to film a group of children cooking smores from the flames coming out of their kitchen taps.

    • BarackMyWorld

      No laurel?

      • It might catch fire when you water it

  • Is it possible to barbecue in your sink? If so, I wouldn't have to actually go outside and leave the air conditioning.

  • JustPixelz

    Someone is fracking the page statistics: "6 COMMENTS NO VIEWS"

    • Jus_Wonderin

      I have never understood that. It is something quantum, isn't it?

  • ChernobylSoup

    You scoff, but think what all that hydraulic fluid in the groundwater can do for the sex lives of aquatic species.

    • Chichikovovich

      Think of the fish buttseks!

      [Really, what has happened to Wonkette's core values?]

      • bobbert

        This raises an important philosophical question: "Where, exactly, is a fish's butt?"

        I'm not sure "a manifold including the cloaca" is sufficiently descriptive.

    • Chick-Fil-Atheist™

      …for the first ten minutes, anyway… or at least until their dicks fall off.

  • noodlesalad

    Now we're cooking with gas! And drinking it, too!

  • Extemporanus

    I can only hold a goatse pose for about 15 seconds — is it alright if I loop it?

  • Allmighty_Manos

    Does the entire fossil fuel industry employ the Yes Men as their marketing/PR firm?

    • scvirginia

      Yes.

  • Eve8Apples

    "What's shakin' Ohio?"

    "If Ohio is shakin', it's profits were makin'!"

  • BarackMyWorld

    This.

    (Bring on the Battlestar Galactica jokes!)

    • Jus_Wonderin

      I love BSG and Starbuck!

    • Extemporanus

      Knock knock.

      Who's there?

      God.

      Bwahahahaha! No, really…who's there?

  • If you're planning to remodel your home, a minor earthquake is just the thing to help with those stubborn walls – and insurance pays to clean up the rubble!

  • chascates

    And I thought water coming out of the gas line and the faucet on fire were just in Three Stooges films!

    • scvirginia

      I thought we just watched a 3 Stooges film, & they completely left out all that stuff. Bummer.

  • SayItWithWookies

    A whole minute on the positives of fracking?! Can't they ask for something easier — like a minute on the upsides of roofies or concentration camps?

  • Schmannnity

    I am trying to line up Ron Jeremy for my fracking video.

    • Generation[redacted]

      Let me guess. It involves injecting fluid into cracks?

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    What the Frack?

    • Tundra Grifter

      WTF?

      • Generation[redacted]

        Whiskey Tango Frack?

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    So, multi-billion dollar energy companies are the grass roots?

    Thank you Citizens United.

  • Giveusabob

    You mean something like 2 Girls 1 Cup, but with flammable tap water?

  • Baconzgood

    I find this difficult to masterbate to.

    • Callyson

      Well, if you try using some fracked water for lube, it might set you on fire…

      • Baconzgood

        Mmmmmm butt fracking.

  • JustPixelz

    And God loves His children so much that he put natural gas inside rocks buried deep underground. Bless'd are the chemical compounds that frees His gas to light the way. Yea, His gas spews forth with great trembling. On Earth as it is in Heaven. O-man.

  • scvirginia

    I support fracking because it's such a fracking awesome word!

  • Callyson

    Well, this is good news for the "Save water – drink whiskey" crowd.

  • MissTaken

    ♫ Shake Shake Shake
    Shake Shake Shake
    Shake Your Fracking Booty!♫

    • SorosBot

      ♪ ♫ The sink, the sink, the sink is on fire; ♬
      ♩ ♪ We don't need no water, let that motherfracker burn! ♫ ♩

  • edgydrifter

    That fracking fluid makes fucking the Earth feel really nice.

  • Baconzgood

    I'm going to film my Ex-brother-in-law's (Butler PA) non potable well water exploding. You should see the little pond that we used to ice skate on in his back yard too also. After they started to frack 500 yards from his property, it only took 3 days for the fish to float to the top in an acre of water.

    • MissTaken

      According to Evil Evolution those fish grew legs and walked on land. So fracking just helps the Evil Evolutionary process carry on!

      • Baconzgood

        They were just sleeping….on the bank….with lesions…covered in flies…

        • Generation[redacted]

          They're pining for the fjrack!

    • Generation[redacted]

      Fish have floated long before fracking started, right?

      • Baconzgood

        Only the hipster carp.

    • barto

      hey it beats dynamite (for fishing, that is)…

      • PuckStopsHere

        Why cast when you can blast.

    • didgen

      That has now made me extremely sad.

      • Baconzgood

        You know, I really wish that was a snark. But, ALL of it is true. I liked Troy, he was the only one in the Ex's family that treated me like I wasn't a leper, and now his very lovely property is ruined.

    • HoytClagwell

      I have some property in eastern Ohio that I hope to retire to someday, and when I expressed my concerns about fracking to the locals, I was told "Oh, it'll be fine here. The geology is different." Uh-HUH.

  • Can Rupert Murdoch please make a Fox Science and Nature channel to give me a fair and balanced opinion of the Liberal dominated Lame Stream Science?

    • Oh man, there's gotta be some Creation Science Clown College working on that right now…

  • MissTaken

    I've had it with these motherfracking fires in this motherfracking faucet!

    • Jus_Wonderin

      I can also picture Barbra Billingsly saying in jive "motherfracking".

  • Blueb4sunrise

    Sorry, John Waters and Divine made this video decades ago.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Fracking is great–I get to set my water on fire which is fun! Like lighting my farts, but without those nasty second degree anal burns.

    • Right! Don't think of it as burning water, think of it as a combination cook top/fire extinguisher!

  • Baconzgood

    Hey I like…Oh FRACKING! Sorry continue to snark.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    "Fracking helped me find $2,478,364.24 just in the couches in my car elevators!"

    M. Romney

  • Canmon

    Why should California have all the fun? Fracking can bring earthquakes to all Americans.

  • Indiepalin

    I suppose a video of Smoky the Bear fucking Bristol Palin in the ass is out of the question.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      What's the prob…. oh, right. Copyright violation. Those YouTube guys are really dickish about it.

    • Baconzgood

      I would pay 69.95 to have a copy of that.

    • Generation[redacted]

      I'd vote for that.

    • But you've got to make it last a full minute. Do bears drink wine coolers?

    • bobbert

      This is so perverse that I think I love you.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Fracking. Hmm, let's see:

    Stupid? Check
    Harmful to humans? Check
    Environmentally obnoxious? Check

    Sounds like Fracking passes the American Exceptionalism test!

  • Dildeaux

    Im frack fapping right now.

  • Tundra Grifter

    Get the Frack outta here!

    Frank Off!

    Frack You!

    [Free titles. You're welcome!]

  • sati_demise

    Fracking allows industry to get rid of all the toxic waste that the EPA would run red tape around.
    Freedom for industrial waste!
    Out of sight out of mind!

  • SorosBot

    The fracking-induced earthquakes will let the rest of us enjoy California's tradition of the ground fucking shaking, without having to endure their nasty sunny and warm weather!

    • MissTaken

      Silly Bot, earthquakes are fun! Gives our buildings a chance to show off their dance moves!

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    I think the ability to heat your home, simply by igniting the tap water, is a huge benefit, and totally justifies GOP cuts to heating oil subsidies for the poorz. (Maine really should start fracking right now!)

  • KPod

    Is it OK if I just select clips from Thank You for Smoking, and enter those?

  • Extemporadio

    WHAT DO YOU THINK?

    Which endearing appellation do you prefer for the eruditionally sterling commenters on this political poop joke mommy blog:

    ○ Wonkers
    ○ Wonketteers
    ○ Wonkeys
    ○ Wonketterrorists
    ○ BALLS!

    • Generation[redacted]

      Don't forget

      Wonktards
      Wonkelles
      Willie Wonkette and the Snark Factory
      Buttsechs

      • Extemporanus

        WONKA WONKA!

    • barto

      Wonkaderos

      • Extemporanus

        Viva Los Wonkapados!

    • ChernobylSoup

      Wonkeratti

      • Extemporanus

        Un Classico, paisan!

    • Chichikovovich

      I'm partial to Wonkotraficantes.

      • Extemporanus

        Soy una mula de los puños hasta.

    • scvirginia

      Did I miss Wonketariat?

      • Generation[redacted]

        Triple Crown win!

        • Extemporanus

          We're literally the glue that holds this place together.

          • scvirginia

            I thought we were literally sniffing the glue that holds this place together? Kinda the same thing, really…

          • Extemporanus

            Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing you.

          • scvirginia

            Yes, you did- I smell great! (Just put a batch of brownies in the oven…)

    • Sexy

    • "Wonkers is Fun;
      Wonkers is Nice;
      Wonkers is Nev-er the Same, Game, Twice!"

      Oh I thought you said Bonkers.

      "Wonkers" is neither fun, nice nor game-inspiring. Sorry.

      • Extemporanus

        Thank you for finally dislodging that fracking "Call Me Maybe" brain bore from by frontal cortex.

        I think.

        (Agreed on "Wonkers" — me no likey.)

        • Funny, the theme kept playing in my head for a while too.

          Sorry.

          On the subject of board games: = lamest ever. Maybe I would've enjoyed the British version… someone loved theirs to death~

    • Nobody's said Wonkerazzi yet? I'll take Wonkerazzi.

      • scvirginia

        I like Wonkerazzi. The other day someone said Wonketteurs & Wonketteuses & I thought that was très chic, aussi.

        • bobbert

          Yeah, but Chich is a native Canadian speaker.

    • not that Radio

      My soul has been Wonkedelicized!

  • James Michael Curley

    "I have had it with these motherfracking snakes on this motherfracking battlestar!"

  • barto

    OK I don't have the chops to do it, but here's my outline:

    Start with footage of the Cuyahoga River on fire. Fade to the kitchen sink spigot and light that candle!

    Announcer: "And you thought Ohio was done when we quite literally brought forth great rivers of flame to demonstrate our Industrial Prowess, but BEHOLD: a blow torch in every household! That is what we are talking about!"

    or something

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Owww. My bongwater just caught on fire. Bummer dudez.

  • didgen

    I'm a fracker, you're a fracker, we're all frackers now. Get the hose and a lighter, we'll barbeque that cow.

    • GeneralLerong

      Gets my vote for Comment of the Day… (hello? hello? is anybody there?)

  • Hm. I wish I had more notice. I have this idea for a parody of the John Lennon video for "Imagine".

    Let's just say there's a lot of fracking in my video: frack you, frack me, frack the Petroleum Institute….

  • scvirginia

    Fracking- because how else ya gonna get a Superfund Site in yer neighborhood?

  • James Michael Curley

    Oil companies have been using hydraulic fracking in TX since WWII. Documents I saw for the FCC vs. Exxon anti-trust case showed the oil companies were worried about tremors in the 60's. Also saw stuff where the extra production of gas was considered a nuisance from the hydraulic fracking done to enhanced oil production (tertiary, first time I saw the word applied to anything other than syphilis).

  • StarsUponThars

    from the Urban Dictionary:

    Frick and Frack

    1. Two people, usually employees of a company, who are deemed to be incompetent, lazy, or wasting time continuously by doing things other than working.

    "There goes Frick and Frack, to the break room again."

    2. In other words, shit.

    "Frick and Frack I lost my license."

  • Chick-Fil-Atheist™

    Fracking makes you popular and heals all wounds.

  • Just think of it as bath oil you can drink!

  • rickmaci

    "Frack the Magic Dragon
    Ignited the Sea…"

  • randcoolcatdaddy

    I love fracking. I use the flames coming from the shower head in my bathroom to get rid of unsightly nose-hairs. And with the fires of hell coming out of my toilet, I never have to worry about paying for a bikini wax ever again.

    • TribecaMike

      It's so much easier now to light my cigs in the shower.

  • A 1-minute compilation of accidental-fart outtakes from pornos would run away with this fracking contest!

  • Release the Frackin'!

  • Slices, dices, juliennes…blows shit up.

  • not that Radio

    FRACKIN' A!

  • Billmatic

    when the earth starts a-shakin, don't stop a-frackin

  • scvirginia

    Damned foreigners tryin' to tell us how to pollute America. As if we can't manage perfectly fine on our own, thankyouverymuch! Remember Love Canal? Remember the Cuyahoga? Frackin' furriners, mumble, mumble, American ingenuity, mutter, mutter…

    What were we talking about again?

  • Nesnora

    Meh. Having lived in an area that has huge natural gas deposits in upstate NY and getting some technical opinions from my father and sister (both engineers specializing exclusively in alternative energy such as wind, solar and natural gas), this really is one of the more depressing fuck-ups that happened to energy in this country.

    So many corrupt assholes have fucked up natural gas extraction that it's impossible to explain that it *can* be done safely, and transparent regulations would solve safety and environment concerns… which they agree doesn't really matter in the end when the people running and profiting off of it are that incompetent. The "fuck you" attitude greedy oil companies investing from Texas doesn't exactly sit well with poor farmers and communities that sign away property rights for pennies either.

    There are some really amazing, energy-efficient microturbines that run on natural gas, but we're never going to see that kind of technology grow when they extract it so irresponsibly and people start thinking NATURAL GAS = EVIL OMG.

    • CivicHoliday

      Ultimately though, if we could reallocate subsidies for NG, oil and coal to alt energy, we could transition to 20% or more of our total energy economy coming from solar, wind, tidal and algae biodiesel in just a few years, and I think that's the REAL beef a lot of us have over this debate. I could care less if they could do it slightly safer – we don't need to be doing it at all! We're prolonging the inevitable, which is that we'll run out of fossil fuels and need alternate sources.

    • not that Radio

      Hell, I'm an engineer, and I know all about conversion efficiency. This is not what is at stake. ANGA and API would like for us to put a positive spin on flaming tap water and man-made earthquakes. This has nothing whatsoever to do with the viability of NG as an energy source, and everything to do with undermining democracy and public safety. Sorry. No sympathy from me towards the Extraction-Industrial Complex. And I live in a town/state where mining and extraction is a key economic factor.

  • TribecaMike

    I've never met anyone who got lit by drinking water, and I've known some real freaks.

  • Fracking is
    Universally accepted as
    Contributing to a safe and free America.
    Knowing is believing.
    You see, at EnergyCitizens.org
    Our first concern is you.
    Understanding that the energy of
    America needs to clean and safe
    Means we are doing our part
    Every time you go to bed we are
    Racing to keep America in the lead
    In energy Independence.
    Consider the
    Alternatives.

  • GeneralLerong

    How about burning people at the stake as an alternative? Churches are real good at that.

  • TribecaMike

    "Natural gas" sounds so much cuddlier than methane, carbon dioxide and other dangerous shit.

  • Cheneysleftnut

    Frack juice is still being 'cleaned' at water recycling plants not designed, capable or intended for such purpose. So suck it, know-it-all eurotrash…

  • Larry McAwful

    These foreign heroes understand how things work here in America. I was born and raised in America, and have lived here almost all my life. It has always saddened me that people in Foreignland don't seem to understand, much less appreciate, our special, flammable water. Nowhere but America does the water burn, and it always has! So nothing's really changing when you turn on your tap for hot and cold running flames.

    I'm also grateful that these movie people have confirmed a suspicion that I as a non-movie person have long held: executive producers don't really do anything, after all.

    • TribecaMike

      "Nowhere but America"? My friend, we're just catching up with other countries who've been fucked over by our homegrown industries.

  • DahBoner

    I love to listen to Frick & Frack on Saturday mornings. They know a lot of stuff about stuff…

    • ttommyunger

      Sadly, this will be their final season, though.

  • ttommyunger

    I, for one, welcome our benevolent flaming overlords…

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