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Hot rumors suggest that Mitt Romney may have been in attendance at last weekend’s top secret Bilderberg enclave in Virginia, where he may or may not have been anointed America’s next ruler by the world leaders of government, finance, media and technology and also possibly imbibed a chalice of Henry Kissinger’s blood as an oath of obedience, or not. (“Or not” meaning the blood. The obedience was undoubtedly sworn.) There were witnesses!

No press is ever allowed inside the conference or even inside the hotel, so that the participants may plot freely and munch loudly on the bones of the poor, we hear. Guardian Bilderberg maven Charlie Skelton was nonetheless on the scene hanging out on the lawn again this year to collect all the hot dirt from the help:

Four eyewitnesses on the hotel staff told me Willard Mitt Romney was here at Bilderberg 2012. My four eyewitnesses place him inside. That’s one more than Woodward and Bernstein used. Romney’s office initially refused to confirm or deny his attendance as Bilderberg is “not public”. They later said it was not him.

Ha ha, FLIP-FLOPPER. This means he was there.

So, was he being crowned, or singing for his supper? Will Mitt Romney follow in the august footsteps of Clinton, Cameron and Blair to have attended Bilderberg and then shortly become leader? Four years ago, Senator Obama shook off his press detail and nipped (many think) into Bilderberg. This exact same hotel.

Did Romney have to get down on one knee in front of David Rockefeller? This sounds flippant, but it’s a serious question: has Bilderberg switched allegiance? Are they going to toss away Obama after just one term?

We bet he wanted to write “two knees,” but the Guardian is considered “respectable.” None of that here! Now, can we find some vague circumstantial evidence to conclusively prove that Mitt Romney was handing out sex favors at Bilderberg?

There it is! According to POLITICO’s handy calendar of Mitt Romney’s schedule, he was officially doing nothing on Sunday and Monday, which means secretly doing something else. CASE CLOSED. [Guardian]

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  • nounverb911

    Mitt just got lost on his way to the Wannsee Conference.

    • I'm not going to bother to comment further. I can't top that.

      • Halloween Jack

        I'm sorry, did you say "I'm not going to bother to comment, Fuhrer"?

  • Barb

    Next stop is Wasilla, where Romney will have some Moosburger Helper with Sarah Palin, the "kingmaker"

    • nounverb911

      Will Mitt have to shoot it first?

      • Barb

        Nah, he'll probably wait until he's fed up with her shrieking and then snap and do it.

        • Callyson

          Nothing could make me eat Saint Sarah's corpse, not even Mooseburger Helper…

          • CthuNHu

            Mind you, Mooseburger Helper can be pretti nasti…

      • Estproph

        He'll just put it in a carrier on top of the snowmobile.

      • Schmannnity

        2008 Mitt said he only shoots "varmints."

    • SorosBot

      Yeah but halfway through she'll quit serving it.

    • chicken_thief

      Maybe he could suggest some names for Bristol's dog while dining with the Palin fam. And play toss with Todd and Todd's youngest.

    • MissTaken

      It's Shake n Bake
      And Mitt helped!

      • SorosBot

        Sure, Mitt; sure you helped, just like you earned your fortune all by yourself.

    • usuhname

      i think that happens to the candidate who *doesn't* associate with moose-queen

    • bagofmice

      Unless his cologne doubles as an insect repellent, there is no way he would soil his shoes with the earth of Wasilla.

  • SorosBot

    Who controls the British crown?
    Who keeps the metric system down?
    We do! We do!

    Who leaves Atlantis off the maps?
    Who keeps the Martians under wraps?
    We do! We do!

    Who holds back the electric car?
    Who made Steve Gutenberg a star?
    We do! We do!

    Who robs cavefish of their sight?
    Who rigs every Oscar night?
    We do! We do!

    • noodlesalad

      Don't tell me those egg council people have gotten to you, too!

  • Antispandex

    Unlikely. Mitt is at least a nominal Morman. Why does he need to fill a need for more insanely comical rituals? It isn't like he doesn't already have a fresh new planet staked out for the next life, with some sweet celestial wives to get after.

    • niblick77

      Morman….good one!

      • Antispandex

        Yes. The opposite of Morbabe. Much like the 72 virgins, they sort of get the raw end of it. No planet for you, if you have lady parts.

    • Once you go Mormal you never go Normal? Why not just pile some more autocratic, magical thinking on top the the pile he already collected?

  • Hate to burst your bubble – but no conspiracy theory here at all… He was at the meeting, but only there to participate in the Soylent Green meetings with the Aliens.

  • I'm waiting for this summer's Bohemian Grove straw poll.

    • I seriously don't think they need to bother this year.

      • But they crossdress! THEY CROSSDRESS!

    • nounverb911

      Will they have a Bohemian Rhapsody while they are doing it?

      • If I'm not back this time tomorrow, carry on.

        • Halloween Jack

          I see a little silhouetto of a man.

    • Halloween Jack

      There's a lot of drinking that goes on there, or so I've heard. Proof of Mittens getting shitfaced there would slice off a big chunk of the magic underwear vote; whatever he did while shitfaced would just be gravy.

  • Arken

    Charlie Rose was there too. I'm thinking he'll be our new leader, addressing us all from the black void of nothingness where he interviews celebrities.

    • Antispandex

      Where, oh where, is Art Bell when we REALLY need him?

      • Arken

        He was probably there too, being crowned vice-emperor.

      • Butch_Wagstaff

        I remember listening to Art Bell back in the late 1990s back when batshit crazy hadn't yet become mainstream.

    • He's not a real person, just a later version of MaxHeadroom.

    • Charlie Rose now laughs it up with Oprah's girlfriend every morning on that CBS show nobody watches.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Absolutely the WORST ORGY EVER!!!

    • SorosBot

      But the super-rich probably get the hottest, most skilled high-priced hookers.

      • Generation[redacted]

        They can afford to hire newly-unemployed secret service agents.

      • Halloween Jack

        They genetically engineer their prostitutes. That, in fact, is Mitt's secret origin.

    • Butch_Wagstaff

      Do you mean Bilderberg or the one in Eyes Wide Shut?

  • tihond

    Not if the Illuminati gets there way, he won't.

  • nounverb911

    Is Mitt even allowed to enter hotels not owned by Marriott?

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    I'm confused. Shouldn't Mittens be the one on his knees in that picture?

  • CthuNHu

    Correction: Romney will snort a line of Kissinger's blood as an oath of obedience. That stuff hasn't been liquid since Nixon shuffled off his mortal coil (and was, incidentally, baptized the next day by Willard M. Romney himself). It's like weaponized anthrax, only it kills your soul first. This could be interesting with Mitt, as it might crash his OS.

    (Side question: what OS does Willard run, anyhow?)

    • nounverb911

      AIX with X-Windows and Motif?

    • James Michael Curley

      S T A I R S

    • Commodore 64 ran on the MOS, right?

    • HogeyeGrex

      what OS does Willard run, anyhow?


      Though that may fit better as "what OS does is Willard run by, anyhow?"

  • Callyson

    I put this question to author and Bilderberg expert Webster Tarpley. Is Wall Street going to throw its chips in with Romney? "I think there's a frisson that's gone through the ruling class against Obama," he says. The leak we had from the flirty hotel staffer corroborated this. "They don't seem to like Obama very much," he said.
    Tarpley's conclusion is this: "They want Romney and Mitch Daniels, who will run together as moderate rightists." Governor Daniels of Indiana was on the official list.

    The ruling class hates Obama? All the more reason not to let last night's results demoralize us from busting our asses this November.

    Also–moderate rightists? I did not think anyone could invent a better oxymoron than compassionate conservative, but I bow to perfection. Well done, Mr Tarpley!

    • chicken_thief

      Mitt and Mitch. Now there is a duo that will excite the base.

    • HogeyeGrex

      moderate rightists

      So, that would be "nailed to the inside starboard wall" rather than "outside with the barnacles" I suppose.

  • Spankings commence at 11!

  • Goonemeritus

    If he was there he was singing for his supper, he may be rich by our standards but he is not Queen of England or Colonel Sanders rich.

    • scvirginia

      What was he singing? Pat Boone?

  • Schmannnity

    Dan Brown is busily writing The Kincade Code.

    • Generation[redacted]

      There's going to be lots of cozy cottages in that book, I can't wait! And the key to the mystery is hidden inside the coziest cottage of them all. Also it's snowing, but not too much, just enough to give everything a nice wintery look.

      And the movie will be filmed in SparkleVision[tm]

  • we can't have a president named 'willard'.

    we just can't.

    • pinkocommi

      Because "Barack Hussein" was so much more likely the last time around….

    • montreal_bruin

      The Fillmore presidency was way too close for comfort.

    • Negropolis

      I just don't think America's ready for another white president.

  • Chick-Fil-Atheistâ„¢

    Were all of Mitt's wives at the Eyes Wide Shut orgy?

    • chicken_thief

      Just Ann, workin' hard as usual.

  • BlueStateLibel

    So basically all this election stuff is just make-work for CNN, Fox, et al?

  • Estproph

    Peggy Noonan was there, undoubtedly to gush about all the republican-ness.

  • ThundercatHo

    I picture Mittens on all fours clad only in magic underwear, "Thank you sir! May I have another?".

    • nounverb911

      It's time to play "Six degrees of Kevin Baconz".

  • OneYieldRegular

    This incredible news will finally reveal to the world that Mitt Romney has ties to powerful corporate and governmental interests bent on increasing their political power.

    • nounverb911

      The Chinese?

  • mavenmaven

    Apparently Mitt's already arranged the posthumous baptism of the Elders of Zion and the Worshipful Masters of the Freemasons.

  • prommie

    Still waiting on my opiates.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    So, was this the ceremony where they transfer the evil life force form the husk of Cheney's body to Romney?

  • SorosBot

    He'll also be attending a secret meeting to sacrifice his firstborn for the support of the Wolf, the Ram and the Hart.

  • Mitt Obama or Barack Romney, sheeple?

    Your choice this November!

  • Dildeaux


  • SudsMcKenzie

    He was just picking up his new user manual.

  • Generation[redacted]

    That Build-a-Burger restaurant is just the laziest business model ever.

  • WhatTheHeck

    The Bilderburg gods looked down from the heavens and determined that Obama and his Argonauts had not fulfilled their part of the bargain made to the gods. So they passed the golden magic underwear to a new Jason.

  • prommie

    Sideboob or GTFO!

    I refuse to believe there is anything serious or nefarious about the Bilderbergs now that I see that they met in a fucking Highway Exit Hotel in Chantilly, Virginia.

    • But didn't you read, just last thread? The richest echelon of jobcreat-nots has suffered losses, too! It affects all aspects of their tragic lives. I hope their hotel had enough mattress layers to cushion their guests' powdered patoots from discerning the peaons sandwich'd within~

  • Steverino247

    Could we get a frame from that movie a bit further along? You know, when those robes come off?

  • Ruhe

    "Bilderburg" Image of a mountain? Mountain image/painting? Imaginary mountain?….

    • George Skullfry

      Mountainous pile of Kinkade, McNaughton, etc paintings.

      Apply 451F solution.

  • Nibbler of Niblonia

    You're not their friend, Willard. You're their bitch.

  • el_donaldo

    You know, by that logic Obama has been at 50,000 cookouts at Bill Ayers house. Which he has.

  • Poindexter718

    Romney was there.
    I have it on good authority that he had Mitch Daniels, Austan Goolsbey, Fouad Ajami and James Wolfehnson hold down Ken Mehlman while he cut the poofter's girly hair.

  • chascates

    Now if Breitbart had been there that would have been something.

    • littlebigdaddy

      Well, they were initiating a new Knights of the Order Breitbartia! Or maybe it was Rainbow Brite–not sure.

  • owhatever

    We are the Bilderbergs, busy building better borgs and botts,
    And we like what we see in Mitt.
    If he only had a brain.

  • pinkocommi

    From wikipedia: "Proponents of Bilderberg conspiracy theories in the United States include individuals and groups such as the John Birch Society, political activist Phyllis Schlafly, writer Jim Tucker, political activist Lyndon LaRouche, radio host Alex Jones, and politician Jesse Ventura,"

    Please, God, let the Bilderberg conspiracy be totally wrong, if for no other reason so that the John Birch Society, Phyllis Schlafly, Lyndon LaRouche and Jesse Ventura remain on my list of the "stupidest people in the world."

  • ttommyunger

    From wikipedia: "Proponents of Bilderberg conspiracy theories in the United States include individuals and groups such as the John Birch Society, political activist Phyllis Schlafly, writer Jim Tucker, political activist Lyndon LaRouche, radio host Alex Jones, and politician Jesse Ventura," – If any of the foregoing is even half true, we have nothing to fear from this gaggle of idiots and malcontents.

  • imbibed a chalice of Henry Kissinger’s blood as an oath of obedience

    You WISH it was blood.

  • extreme_left

    As long as there were no Fags there it will be ok

  • Tommmcattt

    Staright people, was "Eyes Wide Shut" sexy to you? Because for me it had the arousal potential of a bag of sick, even when I imagined Fillipino porn stars in the lead roles.

    I've always wondered that.

  • misanthrope

    Fuckin white people.

  • lightgraphs

    Much ado about nothing. Romney is such a pushy dufus I'm sure he showed up uninvited, hat in hand. John Kerry, next Secretary of State, was on the guest list. Case closed

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