should've pushed him off

Sad Bill Johnson, Alabama’s former head of economic and community affairs and failed attempted governor of the state, has apparently left his wife and absconded to New Zealand, where he has set off on a task of inserting his johnson into any woman who will have him because he has decided that sanctified life, as authored by his sperm and any egg, is more important than being faithful to his wife and saving the world one lost political seat at a time. In December, nearly two years after he quite nearly became the governor of Alabama (but lost to Richard Bentley), it was revealed that Johnson, a Prattville native, appropriately, has like a zillion babies in New Zealand, where he has been generously donating his sperm to lesbian couples. But at some point he became quite greedy about his generosity, and once there was an earthquake in New Zealand, he was all, “PERFECT, BYE!” and went off to “help” more “lesbian couples.”

Johnson’s actual wife, Kathy, a former Mrs. Alabama (this exists), permitted an interview with The New Zealand Morning Herald, apparently, and announced that her husband is now gone because he is “obsessed” with fathering children. Apparently he wants an active role in these lil babies’ lives, and wants Kathy to live there with him so they can go around visiting babies forever. Via Raw Story, she added:

I will not chase him to the other side of the world so he can be a part-time father to children he created with other women.

It turns out that Mr. Johnson is just making “the best” of a bad situation, namely that his wife is not able to have children, because she had a hysterectomy before they were even married. Martyr (both of them). A Herald reporter found Mr. Johnson and asked him to comment.

Johnson said that his wife was unable to get pregnant and that being a father is “a need that I have.” The newspaper said three New Zealand women were pregnant with Johnson’s children, and at least nine received sperm donations from him.

So, how exactly is this sperm “donated”? Are gay women who want babies the only people who will “receive” Mr. Johnson’s johnson, hence this charitable quest? Or is this all done in the traditional method, into a plastic cup, affording Johnson the opportunity to look at porn and jerk off in a private chamber often and in a way that is not wasteful? The possibilities for how this is justified are…well, there aren’t any. But Johnson’s whole argument was basically, This is what Kathy would have wanted, as if Kathy is dead, or dead inside, because she cannot have children. Wonderful story, wonderful. [Raw Story]

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  • The man's truly a world class Jerk-off, in every sense of the word.

    • But wait! Is knocking up lesbos in Kiwiland a position one can actually get paid for?

  • nounverb911

    Walking the Appalachian Trail. A republicant tradition since 2009.

    • sylamore1

      Wanking the Appalachian Trail …. There, FTFY

    • rocktonsam


  • LastGasp

    Everybody needs a hobby. But on a serious note, child support payments are not an issue in New Zealand?

    • sullivanst

      I would think the rules for sperm donors are usually different. Although the whole being involved in the kids' lives doesn't strike me as a normal thing associated with sperm donation, which I thought was typically more of a fire-and-forget deal.

      • HistoriCat

        I read an article a while back about kids who wanted to get in touch with the sperm donor/biological father. For some reason, some people think this is a good idea.

        I look back on my younger days and am relieved that I never tried to get that sweet sperm donor money as advertised in the university newspaper ad.

  • "We have to impregnate them over there so we don't have to impregnate them over here"
    — Bill Johnson.

  • Lascauxcaveman

    I've often felt that I'm a lesbian trapped in a man's body; but no Mr. Johnson, I don't want to have your babies.

  • OkieDokieDog

    This makes me weep with joy. Bless this man, his belief in the sanctity of marriage, and his high family values morals.

    Wait… those were tears of laughter. So, never mind.

  • johnnymeatworth

    Didn't they shoot Lord Of The Cock Rings there?

  • Nesnora

    Yes, because what every child wants is an egotistical, self-obsessed, unreliable maniac in their lives as a part-time dad.

    This man gives good balls a bad rap.

  • bumfug

    "Her womb is so polluted she can't have a little baby."

  • fartknocker

    He's practicing those Republican family values. At least the fine people in New Zealand support Planned Parenthood.

  • edgydrifter

    Sewing your seed in a multitude of lesbian wombs is a Biblical mandate. I think it's somewhere in Hustleronomy.

  • Schmannnity

    A guy named Johnson who donates sperm?

    • freakishlywrong

      Irony's last gasp.

      • Mapmonger

        Irony's "Petit Mort," I think rather also.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "So, how exactly is this sperm “donated”? Are gay women who want babies the only people who will “receive” Mr. Johnson’s johnson, hence this charitable quest? "

    "Just close your eyes and pretend I'm wearing a strap-on."

    • DaRooster

      or a probe.

  • freakishlywrong

    Fuck. NZ was on my short list of places to flee when the revolution comes. I'm fleeing to escape rightwing assholery, so this will not do.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I guess it's not coincidence that this guy is named "Johnson."

  • anniegetyerfun

    Yes, being a "father" is a "need that I have" just "not with the woman that I married and promised to love and cherish" which is why we couldn't "adopt children who need homes."

    • Negropolis

      I think what's worse is that he had this desire, and then married a woman who he knew couldn't give him a biological child. This is a sick man with his literal fucking and his mind-fucking, to boot.

  • Radiotherapy

    i think dumbass thought "New Zealand Socialism" meant something else.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    Oh sure, fix the typo just as I'm about to point it out.

    In December, two years after her quite nearly became the governor of Alabama..

  • GuanoFaucet

    Johnson said that his wife was unable to get pregnant and that being a father is “a need that I have.”

    Yes, becoming a sperm donor to several lesbians halfway around the world is a much more sensible way to fulfill this need of yours to be a father than, oh, adopting a kid or two.

    • Pragmatist2

      There you go being all "logical." Did you not notice he is a Republican?

  • VaWyo

    A real christian would not have married Kathy because she didn't have a uterus. Women are only good for procreation. Duh.

    • rickmaci

      Just waiting for him to drop that line.

    • GOPCrusher

      Quite honestly, since this is Alabama, I'm surprised that she isn't in prison for murder.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Acording to Dick Santorum, it's OK to marry her — it's just not OK for her to have sex, ever.

  • Weenus299

    Why New Zealand? is he a new Zealot?

  • freakishlywrong

    These people are really unhinged.

  • Fare la Volpe

    Everything about today is gross.

  • Baconzgood

    I find this easy to masterbate too.

  • KennyFuckingPowers

    Ya right! Run for Governor of Alabama and become the human turkey baster can now be scratched off his bucket list. Dickweed!…

  • Baconzgood

    "She said he had told her he had donated sperm to women wanting children at least 50 times over a handful of months."

    Sheesh…I can (and do) jerk off more than that.

    • Stevola

      A handful of months?

    • Stevola

      A month of handfuls?

  • Redgyal

    Lady Chatterly's Lover but in reverse, right?

  • Billmatic

    I can't wait to grow up so that I too can significantly alter the genepool of the population of a pacific island nation one cup of cum at a time.

  • prommie

    So, his wife's insides are a barren, and rocky place, where his seed can find no purchase? Then he shoulda stole a baby or two from Octomom, or someone else who has too many.

    • widestanceromance

      She's got more than she can handle.

  • One Dude, One Cup.

  • prommie

    This must have something to do with how the bible says you have to fuck your sister-in-law if anything happens to your brother.

  • I love how electable these guys are, until they're found to be utter imbeciles. To have it conversely done would be somehow unAmerican. Seriously. My ire is not for this oddball so much as how his odd-ballity has a *snooze* detector reading every voter's brain, determining it's safe to resume course past their idling judgment-capacitors, and all the way to power status, not even the Mrs. is the wiser for it — LITERally — til shit's hit the fan and gotten it on *everybody.*

    • freakishlywrong

      He was running for office, for Pete's sake.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        For Peter's sake, you mean.

  • cbbruuno

    Not to be a jerk but I don't think getting 1.7% of the vote in the GOP primary counts as nearly becoming Governor of Alabama.

  • Baconzgood



  • MissTaken

    Turkey basters need love too.

    • MosesInvests

      Turkey basters are people too, my friend.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Sometimes a man just has to follow his dream — even if that dream is to be the founder of the most butch volleyball team of half-sisters in the entire south Pacific. Which, now that I put it that way, doesn't sound like such a crazy aspiration after all.

  • sullivanst

    I think I can round out Johnson's reasoning at the end there:

    This is what Kathy would have wanted… because it's what I want dammit!

  • BornInATrailer

    Straight up squeezin' his kiwis into some Kiwis.

  • Pragmatist2

    I looked on and there was not a single listing for "Lesbian Impregnator."
    I will check again tomorrow.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Have you tried

  • rickmaci

    I'm sure he now has his new mission firmly in hand. After all, I'm told this kind of work can be quite hard on a guy. When he is done they will most likely erect a Johnson monument in New Zeal-land.

    • sewollef


      I'm still waiting for the climax to this story though.

  • SorosBot

    He needs to father children. That's kind of a bizarre and fucked up fetish.

    • MissTaken

      He's starting his own Idiocracy one jerk off at a time.

    • Dashboard Buddha

      Rule 34

    • GOPCrusher

      Enough to make a person rethink the whole "poop" thing.

  • meatlofer

    He should've joined the Secret Service, then he could've sprayed his sperm worldwide.

    • Extra p for incorporating two nonsensical issues into one sentence.

  • SheriffRoscoe

    God has closed a door in Alabama. But He has opened a lot of windows in New Zealand.

    • Dashboard Buddha

      So many choices…pity he won't jump from any though.

  • Johnson will have his johnson tied in a knot when he finds how socialist New Zealand is.

  • There's a Philip Roth joke in this somewhere.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      "Quit your complaining, Portnoy. This is fun!"

    • proudgrampa

      Portnoy wouldn't complain.

    • For Philip Roth, it would be a 700-page novel, not a joke. And a movie to follow, with narration by Claire Bloom.

  • But no, seriously, most places actually have rules about sperm donation frequency, because if you spread your seed too widely in too small a community, and too anonymously, you end up creating a non-trivial risk of promoting unwitting incest, as half-siblings who don't know they're half-siblings end up together.

    My guess is, Mr. Johnson from Alabama hasn't actually considered this issue, for some reason.

    • joobajooba

      Maybe they don't have laws against that in Alabama. I'm sure seed has been widely spread there for centuries.

    • Yes, I definitely remember the amount of Mick Jagger seed sown in London debated by the House of Commons at one time.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      My guess is, this was already a problem for Mr. Johnson before he left Alabammy.

    • Negropolis

      Sounds to me as if New Zealand's the one that hasn't considered this, or else his ass would have been on a no-fly zone, there.

    • BruceMajorsky

      Yes they are supposed to monitor and limit it. But they still allow you to have more than one or two. And you can also donate to multiple facilities. And there is some non-clinic donation going on too. I have a 14 year old from donating to a friend of a friend.

  • MissTaken

    I'm sure the lesbian couples that used Johnson's sperm to start their families are absolutely thrilled that he is showing up and wanting to play daddy. Just thrilled.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      They'd have so much to talk about!

  • widestanceromance

    I hope all his women fake their orgasms, pregnancies and abortions.

  • owhatever

    And when a lesbian isn't available, there are millions of sheep in New Zealand.

  • Little Willie, Willie won't, go home . . .

  • Dashboard Buddha

    I wonder how the Lesbians of New Zealand feel about this? Is there a shiver of fear running through the community…"oh my god…did we get pregnant with the seed of a moron??"

  • This sounds like the plot of last week's "Law & Order: SVU" — in the first act, before further plot twists that sent the story back and forth over the shark. That show has become just as laughable as "CSI: Miami."

    • GOPCrusher

      But, it does have Mariska Hargitay's boobs on it.

    • sewollef

      The stupid amber lighting in CSI: Miami messes with my head.

      Yes, and the acting's crap too.

  • The cruel joke on Johnson is that in New Zealand, imported sperm is mostly used to lubricate sewing machines.

  • I've been looking into a new profession, and frankly, Sperm Philanthropist is looking like something that could keep me busy.

  • fuflans

    picture needs more demon sheep.

  • You have to be careful though – in some states if a batch of your "donation" ends up spoiling because you forgot to put it in the freezer, you could be facing mass murder charges.

  • James Michael Curley

    Then he threw a telephone at the desk clerk.

  • Fairtackle

    Guy named Johnson from Prattville. This guy never had a chance.

    • Man, I've been to Prattville. I've been to church in Prattville. In the 1960s.

      It's not just the gateway to Wetumpka. It's the hometown of the Wicked Wilson Pickett.

      • Yeeooooow! Sally, I think you better slow your mustang down.

        • My wife refuses to consider putting up a street sign labeling our dirt road "Mustangs Alley."

  • unclejeems

    Johnson should get together with a Korean guy name Dong, form a comedy duo, and go on the road. Johnson and Dong, Dong and Johnson–in your town tonight. See the lesbians line up for tickets.

  • niblick77

    Off in the future when one goes to New Zealand everyone will look like and be named Bill Johnson, even the women.

  • Dashboard Buddha

    How does Johnson practice safe sex in NZ? He marks the sheep that kick.

  • Hiking the Appalesbian Trail.

    • proudgrampa


      Well done, Gu!

  • ElPinche

    Forget lesbians , he should worry about being trampled by Peter Jackson's fucking hobbits and green screen death traps.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Actually, isn't it nice to see a Republican who actually practices this whole "sex is for procreation" thing? Given that so many Republican leaders (Rush Limbaugh, Ann Coulter, just to name two), have failed to uphold their end of the bargain, and are letting the Mexicans and Asians out bread us all, it is nice to know what soon New Zealand will be filled with little redneck lesbos.

  • barto

    This is so touching. And what a stroke (no pun intended) of luck that his last name is the namesake of his righteous instrument of procreation!

  • BornInATrailer

    One Donor To Rule Them All…

    • proudgrampa

      Excellent! I was thinking about a gratuitous Rings reference, but you beat me to it!

      Many upfists for you!


      • BornInATrailer

        I was inspired by ElPinche.

  • ttommyunger

    Hmmmmm. I'm guess he secretly would just love to nurse them, too, like Peter Griffin tried with Stewie. This guy is not only a fucking asshole, he is a seriously perved one.

  • ChessieNefercat

    I'm just sitting here stupefied. Is this story real? It seems to have links and such. But I'm afraid to try them because if they are real then this story is real, and I want no part of encouraging this story to think it has any right to exist in this universe/dimension.

  • Troglodeity

    Because Republicans are all about selfishly pursuing the "needs they have," regardless of the consequences.

  • larrykat

    The silver lining? Looks like Kathy is available!

    • sewollef

      …. and not impregnatable either. Plus plus.

  • NYNYNYjr

    He has to be involved in the kids' lives, cause, duh, two lesbians aren't fit to bring up a child. Needs a father figure. Needs to have someone in the household to defend Regan, Jim Crow, corn pone, torture, American exceptionalism and Vietnam too.
    (Yeah…wait, who are these women who have brought this on themselves?)

  • DesertTed

    Is there a shortage of Kiwi weewee?

  • BZ1

    and this is a story, how?

  • Negropolis

    This is almost beyond snark, but I'll try and find it.

  • BruceMajorsky

    8 out of 10 politicians agree – lesbians are the irresistible fruit.

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