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Looks like the Prozac's been tripledHey, what’s tackier than constructing a nauseating black-and-gold skyscraper in New York City dedicated to your weenie? Nothing. But check out this children’s cake that sparkly bronze television choad Donald Trump and his wife, Mrs. Wife, gave Ann Romney at the birthday party they threw for her last night. That’s Ann, the Republican nominee for president this year, just cold trottin’ her horse around some stumps. Does Ann Romney have other interests, besides horses and being a Great Mom? Because if she does, no one cares.

Oh, and another kinda sucky thing about this party — you had to give Mitt Romney money to attend:

The lifelike equestrian cake was showcased at Romney’s 63rd birthday party Tuesday afternoon at Donald and Melania Trump’s New York City home, on the 66th floor of the Trump tower. About 400 people were slated to attend the birthday party-turned-fundraiser, which a Trump spokesman told CBS News is expected to bring in $600,000 for the Romney campaign.

And if the Trump spokesman says it will bring in $600,000, then it’s sure to bring in a cool $7,452.21, give or take a few cigarette butts. Not “big money,” but still more than the sum of all Wonkette readers’ savings accounts. (Yeah, we have access to those.)

Happy Birthday A-Rom! Here is your present from the Wonkett blog:


[ABC News]

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  • Barb

    Meh, I would have given her a bowl of Jell-O. It's made of horses, ya know?

    • JustPixelz

      And would have reminded her of the unstiff Mitt the rest of us have never seen.

      • Barb

        As a stay at home mom, Ann knows how to make Jell-O after watching her five maids do it for years. I can't wait for her to donate that "add hot water, add cold water" recipe for charity when she's the FLOTUS.

  • Doktor StrangeZoom

    My Little Phony: Money Is Magic

    • DetectiveGrey

      Trump is one brony I DEFINITELY couldn't tolerate being around.

    • Data Exactly

      I came paper.

  • "Melania" sounds like something you would have removed after a biopsy.

    • boobookitteh

      "Melena" is a medical term that refers to blood in your poo. Close enough.

      Wow. Two comments about poo in under 5 minutes!

      • Boojum

        The whole post is about defecating in fear, i.e., "to Romney".

      • Data Exactly

        Does Melena count for hemorrhoid blood, too? Just……………………………….wondering.

  • boobookitteh

    Is that horse poo on the cake?

    • Texan_Bulldog

      No, it's a touch of Santorum.

    • If I could have my way, the cake would BE horse poo.

  • Come here a minute

    Twelve-year-olds have believed birthday parties are the same thing as fund-raisers for decades.

  • Barb

    As a "thank you", Ann rode Donald like Seabiscuit.

    • Seabiscuit rode Donald? How did I miss that??

      • Barb

        We can't call her "Secretariat" or people will think that she's worked in Mitt's offices. She's a stay at home mom, dammit!

        • Boojum

          How is Ann Romney like Secretariat?

          • She looked pretty good in the 70's?

        • Chichikovovich

          Perhaps a better name is La Troienne. Sez Wikipedia: "one of the most famous and influential Thoroughbred broodmares in twentieth century America. She produced 10 winners while at stud."

          Though Trapp, Tripe, Trollop, Turnip and Torque are "winners" in just the born-rich Republican chickenhawk races.

          • GunToting[Redacted]

            You can refer to a mare being "at stud?" Did not know that. I would have thought they would refer to this as "catching," or something equivalent.

    • Dashboard Buddha

      A Man 'o War, he's not.

    • Data Exactly

      Better than riding Donald as Gulf of Mexicobiscuit – the horse would have no eyes.

  • WhatTheHolyHeck

    The stumps represent actual chopped-down tree stumps. A stay-at-home mom has to get her exercise somehow.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      The trees were not the right height.

      • bagofmice

        #winning!

      • WhatTheHolyHeck

        Totes win.

  • "…lifelike equestrian cake…"

    A perception that explains much about the Nominee Presumptive.

  • The lifelike equestrian cake

    Lifelike indeed. Her skull like rictus grin done perfectly in spun sugar.

    • Doktor StrangeZoom

      Are we certain that's the Trumpentorte and not a screen shot from Robot Chicken?

  • CapnFatback

    I guess Ann wanted to have "her" cake and eat it too.

    • Data Exactly

      At least the cake's horse and rider are properly erect.

  • The Bride of Mitt is 63?? Either there's something about saddlebred straddlin' that halts the aging process, or else Mrs. R's complexion is about as naturally derived as that marzipan-ossified frosting someone tried to sculpt into "lifelike"~

    • tcaalaw

      Fondant makes an excellent wrinkle-filler.

    • Limeylizzie

      She has also had her tits lifted and enhanced , I believe, they were up to her chin the other day I noticed.

      • James Michael Curley

        Hey, you're back and were missed. Since four police cruisers showed up in front of the house chasing a car that was 'involved in a crime' I thought about you.

        • Limeylizzie

          Excellent!

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      Well, she started good. That pic of her and Mitt up recently (which looked to be taken some time during the Johnson administration) made her look pretty cute.

  • OneYieldRegular

    Which lucky donor got to eat the head?

  • OC_Surf_Serf

    Funny, cause cats are smart enuff to use the brakes…

  • freakishlywrong

    I can haz Lincoln bedroom? Kittehs!

  • FakaktaSouth

    Then everyone took turns making fun of Ann for not doing a thing with her life cept following Mitt around on his quixotic journey, hiring Nannies for her sons and their children, and throwing her heavy weight all over those medicinal horses – BECAUSE SHE LOVES IT. They then took her outside to present her with another Caddy like on all the Sweet 16 shows on MTV because IN YOUR FACE POORS, you are all just jealous of "their" success.

  • Eve8Apples

    I'm disappointed by the height of those tree stumps. Did Donald eat the tops of the tree cakes?

    • Isyaignert

      If the party were in Michigan the tree stumps would be just the right height.

    • James Michael Curley

      Tree stumps? I thought they wee piles of horse shit.

      • Data Exactly

        No, they're actually landing pads for the Mormon UFOs. Despite the fact that this is Ann Romney's birthday party, the guests of honor didn't show up.

  • SorosBot

    Ann's love of horses is certain to help her connect to the average voters, because that's a hobby enjoyed by so many ordinary people and not just super-rich plutocrats like the Romneys.

    • freakishlywrong

      Indeed. Drains on society such as our librul selves can't even fucking spell "Dressage".

    • Doktor StrangeZoom

      On the other hand, she's pretty much wrapped up the 9-year-old girl vote.

    • Barb

      Soros, they couldn't exactly give her a cake with a woman in a kitchen, cooking lunch for her five sons. It would have taken too long to explain the theme to her.

      • SorosBot

        They could make one with her in the kitchen, instructing the cook on what to make for her sons though.

      • Chichikovovich

        Though if they had a cake-figurine of Ann standing behind the woman, wearing jodhpurs and flicking her with a riding crop, Ann would have caught on immediately.

    • CivicHoliday

      The only REAL experience I have with fancy horses is that while in grad school in NH I mucked stables as a part time job. So…like many Americans, the closest I got to wealth was cleaning up their massive piles of stinking shit.

  • freakishlywrong

    Those trees are not the right height.

  • JustPixelz

    The stumps are a reminder of the promises Mitt gave to the lumber industry. Call it his stump stump speech.

    Trump will use the same cake for Mitt's birthday, except rotated 180 degrees … so we can see his (Mitt's) true persona.

    No nutritious ingredients were harmed in the making of this cake.

  • A pretty horsey cock???

    What?
    ~

  • CapnFatback

    That cake is so lifelike, Mitt consulted it for advice about women's employment matters and then strapped it to the hood of his car.

  • mavenmaven

    Appropriate because she's the cavalry in the mommy wars. Yes, its 1860 again for women's rights.

  • Eve8Apples

    Will the remodeled La Jolla Romney palace have an elevator to lift Ann's ponies to the roof?

  • Speaking of cakes, here's another case of pastry transcendence. [NSF Sanity]

    • bagofmice

      You beat me to it.

  • Wilcoxyz

    Ann Romney cried hysterically and screamed at Mitt's insensitivity when she realized the cake horse was not an Austrian warmblood – as EVERYONE KNOWS she prefers.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      But those Austrian animals are too skittish to ride in the horse elevator.

    • Limeylizzie

      She prefers Hitler?

    • Negropolis

      You know who else was an Austrian warmblood?

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    There is something very wrong with that frosting. It's not the color of money.

  • elviouslyqueer
    • Limeylizzie

      I have a friend whose father is a doctor and she was having some kind of poo problem so she sent him a picture of her turds so he could look at them.

      • I've received that kind of message from the ex-Flownella, but I don't think the intent was diagnostic.

        • Limeylizzie

          You must be awesome to inspire that kind of hate! Think of the love you could inspire.

    • Dashboard Buddha

      Dude! WFT?!

    • An_Outhouse

      How thoughtful. I heard she ejoys 'Cooking with Pooh'.

  • ProgressiveInga

    Marzipan is people, my friend.

  • GeorgiaBurning

    Lifelike? The horse or Ann? Both look like something in the mall you drop quarters into.

  • What's the big deal? Let them eat cake.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Are those supposed to be stumps? Is deforestation another of Ann's hobbies? WTF?

    • SorosBot

      Now I wouldn't think your average Mormon or 60-something is going to adhere to modern grooming standards.

    • bagofmice

      I suppose you could read it as a metaphor for "the old battle axe".

  • My Little Romney.

  • Doktor StrangeZoom

    I'll just leave this here

    • DetectiveGrey

      Thank Sockbaby Jesus SOMEONE posted this before I did.

    • elviouslyqueer

      OMG. It's one of those cakes we like!

  • Given that my friends Michelle and Barry are always e-mailing me looking for handouts (Barry wants me to fork over $$$ just for the chance to have dinner with him), I see nothing wrong with making your guests pay to come to your party. It saves you from having to bring a gift or wine. However, with the Trumps "hosting" the gig, if I were Mittens, I'd check the receipts.

  • teebob2000

    That's nothing, you should have seen Trump's life-size Katherine the Great anatomically-correct (yet historically-inaccurate) ice sculpture! Yikes!!

    • bagofmice

      Wasn't that posted monday?

  • Guppy

    For Ann's birthday, everyone gave presents to Mitt.

    Looks like the Romney household has that "biblical submission" thing down cold.

  • Texan_Bulldog

    The Donald should have just got Ann a face cake with her face in the middle of a million dollar bill. That would have been more realistic.

  • el_donaldo

    …. and the horse you rode in on.

    I don't think that's uncivil if I'm talking about cake. Which I'd definitely skullfuck to pieces.

  • I like that cake! It's just the right height.

  • Good Croesus. I hadn't realized til I clicked on the linkie that Mrs. Romney suffers from multiple sclerosis. Sorry. It just gave me pause.
    "Sclerotic" would define the effect of that cake's icing on my arteries' lining though.

  • Doktor StrangeZoom

    And then there's Rick Santorum's Cake

  • freakishlywrong

    Trump, Nugent, Weeping Boner and McWhortise. Nice endorsements ya got there, Thurston.

  • ThundercatHo

    As possibly the only Wonketteer who actually owns horses and has been made to watch dressage events with my horsie friends I will share the only dressage joke in existence. "Anyone who thinks that life is too short has never watched dressage." It is funny cuz it's true. Also, rich bitches who ride dressage are univerally loathed (unless rarely very nice and down-to-earth) and referred to as Dressage Queens. Another fun fact: the extremely expensive horses used in dressage are warmbloods (several breeds) but are frequently called dumbbloods, unless you are trying to sell one.

    • MiddleStreet

      You have a kindred spirit on Wonkette, ThundercatHo. I am long time lurker (started when Pareene ran the site) and I too have owned horses and have ridden dressage. A great sport in theory but ruined by people who have more money than talent. As a middle-classer, I now practice basic dressage on 'rescues'. As for Warmbloods – given what they have to put up from the Dressage Queens, their stupidity keeps them sane.

    • Pat_Pending

      Sigh… I am technically a Dressage Queen (aka "DQ"), but I do it by not contributing to my 401(k) and driving a 12-year-old car so that I support the poop machine. That being said, watching dressage is not quite as exciting as watching paint dry.

      Ann also is whatcha call a "sponsor" which is the super upper echelon of Dressage Queens. That means she throws a buncha money at her "trainer" to ride "her" horses in super-duper expensive international competitions in Europe, San Diego, and Wellington. That sort of makes her a job creator, I suppose. It's very hard work watching someone else do all the work.

  • Barb

    Where's the little marzipan brown guy with the shovel who follows to pick up the horse poo?

  • elgin_pelican

    "Lifelike equestrian cake?!" Hah, Ann HERSELF is lifelike, and actual size to boot!

  • anniegetyerfun

    I honestly can't think of a better way to prove that you understand the average American than to hang out with Donal Trump.

  • I suppose we'll start hearing Catherine the Great stories about Ann now that Mitt's admitted to being alimpdick

  • Dashboard Buddha

    …and the horse you rode in on, comes to mind. Also, too bad her name's not Catherine…that would be great.

  • Steverino247

    Shouldn't she be under the horse?

    • elviouslyqueer

      CALIGULA LIBEL.

      • Steverino247

        Sure. Governor's wives should be used to raise money for the Empire, too. Why should the fun be limited to the wives of Senators?

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    For a guy with a boatload of money, you'd think he could afford a better cake artist. That looks like the work of a 12-year-old in a remedial art class.

    • Eve8Apples

      The La Jolla palace remodel is way overbudget. I'm surprised they didn't serve their guests Twinkies and Hostess Cupcakes.

    • George Spelvin

      This is the Donald. He has a boatload of Schroedinger's Money.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Simultaneously Rich and not-Rich (until his creditors, or the IRS, tries to peek inside the box.)

  • DoggerelCDogg

    So far most of us have been blissfully unaware of Ann Romney, but she turns out to be even more of a grinning phony than Mitt. What an obnoxious fake, plastic and unappealing pair! And WHAT A TACKY CAKE! Could anything be more cheap looking and crudely done?

    • George Spelvin

      Well, e.g., see DokStrangeZoom's linkie above.

  • DahBoner

    Damn! That pussy sure can ride fast…

  • Buckminster

    Nothing says 'Pubbie fundraiser like horse-pucky and tree stumps. Kill the enviro-tree-huggers! Woo-hoo! If only she had a dead wolf strapped to the back of her saddle.

  • Nostrildamus

    That cat's gonna have the cleanest bikini area ever!

  • An_Outhouse

    It appears that the frosting lady on the horse is riding through a clear cut forest (assuming those are stumps and not giant piles of horse shit). Take that, mother nature – you lose again! Conservatives are real subtle.

  • owhatever

    As a surprise, her first lesbian girlfriend from college popped out of a cake.

    • Dashboard Buddha

      LUG – Lesbian Until Graduation

  • Dr. Nick Riviera

    Look at that icing! We know 400 people are pooping green this morning!

  • mormos

    who bets that cake cost more than the average American makes in a month?

    How much does a custom Ann Romney made out of god knows what (the tears from the orphans they ground up to make the horse she's riding on) cost?

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Looks like one of Costco's lesser efforts, if you ask me.

  • Schmegeg

    I think Mrs. Trump's name is This Week.

  • ttommyunger

    Why the big smile? Ann's finally got something big, brown and muscular between her legs, after all these years of pale, flabby and flaccid wrapped in Magic Underwear.

  • GASP!! Wonkette! How dare you encourage that dreadful woman by giving her a fabulous animated gifs as a gift! Hang your head in shame for your butt-kissery!

    "I see no reason to celebrate that that bloody woman has lived for so long!"

  • The_Trainman

    The tree stumps remind us of the forest that was cut down so that commoner- equestrians like Anne Romney could have the dignity of riding a horse on a proper trotting path as does the Queen of England.

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