There goes my nomination, down the drain, weeeee!

Mitt Romney may lose today’s primary in his home state of Michigan in spite of having won it in 2008 by a wide margin, so what’s the issue? Come now, Mitt Romney, don’t hold back your feelings, tell the world how you don’t even mind losing because you are grown sick of being the abused clown: “I’m not willing to light my hair on fire to try and get support,” he says. THAT’S RIGHT, DAMMIT. Mitt Romney will immediately and categorically switch his position on absolutely any issue out there, but asking him to savage his pristine coif? Go pre-moisten one of Rick Santorum’s microphones for him if you want filth. It is Mitt Romney’s hair that we are talking about, right? Because it’s not like Mittens would seriously complain that his principled stances are what might cost him this primary, right?

Oh god, it is:

“We’ve seen throughout the campaign if you’re willing to say really outrageous things that are accusative, attacking of President Obama, that you’re going to jump up in the polls,” Romney said Tuesday. “I’m not willing to light my hair on fire to try and get support. I am who I am.”

This is a good line of defense, to complain as a Republican candidate that you are being forced to attack the Democratic incumbent too much. Here, Mitt Romney will show you cretins how to be a gentleman in politics. Instead of fabricating bizarre stories about your opponent, you get up on stage and you make up bizarre stories about yourself:

Romney recalled he was “probably 4 or something like that” the day of the Golden Jubilee, when three-quarters of a million people gathered to celebrate the 50th anniversary of the American automobile.

“My dad had a job being the grandmaster. They painted Woodward Ave. with gold paint,” Romney told a rapt Tea Party audience in the village of Milford Thursday night, reliving a moment of American industrial glory.

The Golden Jubilee described so vividly by Romney was indeed an epic moment in automotive lore. The parade included one of the last public appearances by an elderly Henry Ford.

And it took place June 1, 1946 — fully nine months before Romney was born.

Now there’s a real pro for you. [The Hill/ Toronto Star]

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  • Barb

    Why would Michigan support Romeny when Romney didn't support Michigan?

  • nounverb911

    "And it took place June 1, 1946 — fully nine months before Romney was born."
    Romney was conceived at the Golden Jubilee parade?

    • Nostrildamus

      He says he remembers it, so he probably got a brief glimpse as George's sperm packet was transferred aboard the Buick float.

      • Angry_Marmot

        Oh, balls.

        • … said the Queen. "If I had them, I'd be King."

          "Nuts," said the Prince, "I've got them, and I'm not King."

    • arihaya

      where is the BIRF CERTIFICATE !!!1!!!??!!11

      • orygoon

        the BARF CERTIFICATE, you mean.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      “probably 4 or something like that”

      Four minutes old (from the point of conception) is still a person!

      • SorosBot

        What are you, a Catholic bishop?

    • They danced and fucked in the golden streets..

    • Rotundo_

      Yes, Mittens the lucky spermatophyte, was there on the end of the Governors unit just before plunging into the first lady of Michigan and with the rest of the ejaculate racing to reach the other half of that lucky combination that became Mitt Romney. I would imagine he remembers the muffled strains of "The Battle Hymn of the Republic" as he swam toward the cervix hell bent for glory. Of course he could have mistaken digestive noises for it, as his undeveloped ears and central nervous system weren't exactly ready for prime time just yet.

      • RavenRant

        Apparently, still not ready for prime time.

    • BornInATrailer

      Really subtle dog whistle to the personhood at conception folks?

  • ChernobylSoup

    Shorter Romney: This is why we can't have Olympia Snowe.

  • nounverb911

    I saw a Panda at the Ueno Zoo in Tokyo once, was that Mitt?

  • memzilla

    And [the Golden Jubilee] took place June 1, 1946 — fully nine months before Romney was born.

    Fetus Rmoney saw it, with its prenatal psychic radar, so his story is true. Just ask Santorum.

    • Loaded_Pants

      It was Immaculate Perception!

  • nounverb911

    Michigan: where the trees are the right height for hanging yourself.

    • whiskeybaby

      +1 million

  • DrunkIrishman

    If Romney lit his hair on fire, it would melt, not burn.

    • Loaded_Pants

      It'd be like the Springfield tire fire.

  • Callyson

    “I’m not willing to light my hair on fire to try and get support”
    Well, of course not. That coiffed 'do would never hold a flame. That's the Frothy Mix' job…

  • Fare la Volpe

    I’m not willing to light my hair on fire to try and get support.


    • If *enough* of us asked, tho …

  • And it took place June 1, 1946 — fully nine months before Romney was born

    And who doesn't remember things from when they were an eight cell zygote? I mean really!!!

    • DrunkIrishman

      Life begins at the first memory of Detroit's Golden Jubilee!

    • nounverb911

      Zygotes are corporations too, my friends.

    • user-of-owls

      Good point. Why I myself recall the Pleistocene Era and that would have been when I was, what, maybe a four cell zygote?

  • OzoneTom

    Seriously, grease-fires are the worst.

  • TheMightyHaltor

    Maybe Zygote-Mitt saw the Golden Jubilee trans-vaginally.

  • Given the quantity of petroleum-based product his hair should go up like a jet dryer at Daytona.

  • Callyson

    it took place June 1, 1946 — fully nine months before Romney was born.
    "Back in my day, we used to peer out of our wombs and see a world where the trees were just the right height…"

    • Angry_Marmot

      Six degrees of dilatation.

    • ShaveTheWhales

      They had onions hanging from their middle limbs.

  • Schmannnity

    Time to check the campaign headquarters basement for pods.

  • MissTaken

    “I’m not willing to light my hair on fire to try and get support,”

    Why does Mitt have to hate on Richard Pryor?

    • TheMightyHaltor

      Michael Jackson libel!

      • Lionel[redacted]Esq

        Indeed! Richard set his face on fire.

    • Ghost Rider™ Spirit Of Vengeance in 3D and Real D 3D Libel!!

    • ShaveTheWhales


  • user-of-owls

    That's roughly the equivalent of me saying I'd rather lose the Nobel Prize for Literature than be forced to wash behind my ears.

    • RadioCualquier

      This is a trick question, amirite? Birds don't have auricular appendages.

      • Yet some can be eery.

        • Or eyrie?

          • user-of-owls

            Or aerie?

          • Boojum_Reborn

            Or Irie, in Jamaica.

          • It would not let me say "Stri-giform!"

            It's good to see you.

          • user-of-owls

            Strigiform is this generation's retard.

            Good to see you too, chica!

          • (Hugs the little avian) Take good care of yourself, don't deprive the world of your wonderful brilliant teaching for one second, and try to drop in once in a while, I miss you when it's been too long.

  • TeaNuts

    You know that black hole that Wing Nuts live in can distort time and space. So theoretically……..

  • JackObin

    My advice to you, Mitt, is to start drinking heavily. You want to rule a nation of blimps and morons, which can only be assuaged by 12-year-old Scotch.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    If Romney can go back in time, why couldn't he prevent Obama from ruining the economy when he went back in time?

  • Harry_S_Truman

    OT This Just In: Olympia Snowe won't seek re-election.

    • Dashboard Buddha

      Yep…Republican that she is, I've met her and admire her. Don't agree with her on a lot of stuff, but she's ok. What I was able to pick up is basically she's just tired of the shit. Ye gods…I can't wait for the Tea Party buffoon the GOP runs for her seat.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        Well, since Maine tends toward cold winters, brisk fresh air, and sanity at the polls, perhaps they'll finally elect a Dem in her place.

        • BarackMyWorld

          Barry has coattails.

      • Terry

        I feel the same way. I disagree with her on various things, but I respect her and know she puts thought into decisions.

    • ChernobylSoup

      Did she wait until after the Maine primary out of spite? Wouldn't the filing deadline have passed? So many questions.

    • Rotundo_

      And the net intelligence quotient of the GOP drops by 50%, conservative progress marches on!

  • finallyhappy

    So when does the GOP roll out someone who is a real candidate instead of a crazy person? Aren't the current "candidates" just a Michael Moore joke?

    • Loaded_Pants

      To answer your questions: Never & yes.

  • Nostrildamus

    Is it OK if the rest of us light his hair on fire?

  • MissTaken

    What an ass. My mommy was 5 months preggers with me when she was at the bank that was robbed by the SLA and Patty Hearst and I don't go around pretending I was there. Asshole.


    • Steverino247

      That's an interesting story. Glad you made it "out" ok!

    • Lascauxcaveman

      You were probably just napping at the time, is why you missed it.

    • SorosBot

      You'll never make it as a Republican politician, letting facts get in the way of what you wish was true like that.

    • Pithaughn

      OT sort of. I am on hugging terms with Patty's sister.

      • I hug EVERbody, hon.

        Oh, wait, you said "sister."

    • ChernobylSoup

      Did you get any autographs?

    • Chichikovovich

      Speak for yerself. When my mom was 3 months pregnant with me, she saw Ronnie Hawkins and the Hawks play some bar in Toronto, just before that incarnation of the Hawks left Hawkins to eventually join Dylan and become The Band.

      I remember it like it was yesterday.

      • not that Dewey

        I felt the acoustic energy of the Who with Keith Moon at the Electric Theater/Kinetic Playground in Chicago, prenatally. It was awesome.

      • ShaveTheWhales

        Only time I saw Ronnie was at the Last Waltz. I was no longer a zygote.

        • Chichikovovich

          Ronnie was back doing the Toronto bars when I lived there in the early eighties, so I saw him many times. His main attraction was always that he had an excellent eye for talent and he made sure his bands practiced until they were tight. At that time he had a simply spectacular piano player named Stan Szelest who had played with him off and on since the early 60s. So those shows were always excellent.Never did get to see the original lineup Band since my zygotic experiences though. Saw the reunited Band minus Manuel and Robertson in Pittsburgh in the early 90s, but it was a bit depressing.—

    • I was born two days before Munich (Black September) and likewise, my first utterance wasn't 'PLO' or 'Yasser'. I think it was "stop neglecting me".

  • SorosBot

    There's probably something in Mormon theology that explains that Mitt saw the parade because the sperm and egg that would form him were there.

    • Angry_Marmot

      Six degrees of ovulation.

    • Well, if you've ever had to sit through "Saturday's Warrior" or whatever the fuck it is called, you'll know that before you are born, you are a spirit, cold hanging out in heaven with all of your buddies, drinking and fucking and having a good time, staring down at everything happening on earth while waiting for a body to be born into. Mitt obviously didn't have his mind properly cleared before crossing the veil when he was finally given a family to be born into. Once again, thank the fucking god I don't believe in that my wife lost her mormonhood. I don't think I could stand watching any more of those movies.

      • I'm glad for you she's no longer a TBM. Those Spirit Babby things are downright weird.

        • I'm glad for me as well. One nice thing about a good Mormon woman is that they're quite willing to believe in extra women in a relationship. Thank you, Mormon Jesus!

      • ShaveTheWhales

        Where you been?

        • Working. The revolution can't come quick enough if it means no more implementing blink tags in the html for the 99%. Yeah, I had to include a fucking blink tag today. Is it 1993 again? If so, I'm ready for reckless sex with college girls. Otherwise, fuck this.

          • HistoriCat

            Dear God – who still thinks a blink tag is a good idea??

          • Landmen. Big, burly landmen.

    • Toomush_Infer

      What! He saw it on ultrasound!…

  • That magnificent coif is a national treasure. Setting it aflame would be a tragedy on a par with 9/11, times a trillion. Mitt loves this country too much to do that to us.

  • JackDempsey1

    Maybe he got confused with some other golden parade on some other golden day in Detroit.
    That place—–it's Parade City.

    • Preferred Customer

      Must have been thinking of when the Wings won the Cup.

  • RadioCualquier

    If he lights his hair in a "quiet room" will anybody notice?

  • Mahousu

    Santorum sees today's gas prices causing the housing market collapse four years ago; Romney, at age four, saw a Golden Jubilee that happened before he was born. Clearly, today's Republicans have evolved past the old rationalist, linear, cause-and-effect, Newtonian perspective that all the rest of us are still mired in.

    GOP – the Quantum Party.

    • Toomush_Infer

      It's all in that best-seller: The Time Travelor's Whore….

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      For a guy who shuttles between parallel universes on a regular basis (where Mitt is variously pro- and anti-choice, pro-and anti-healthcare, pro-and anti-gun control, etc.), time travel should be a piece of cake.

  • Dashboard Buddha

    Hell…I'd vote for him if he set his hair on fire.

    • BerkeleyBear

      Only if he promised to keep it lit until he asphyxiated.

    • Quick, go tell him that. Take cameras.

  • Dudleydidwrong

    If Mitt's hair was on fire, I'm wondering what percentage of the Michigan (or US) population would piss on him to put it out. I know I wouldn't, but then I can't shoot as far as I used to…

    • BaldarTFlagass

      "Let's strike a flint and see, shall we?"

    • ttommyunger

      Piss on Mittens? Shit, I promised myself when I finished my second hitch I'd never stand in line again.

  • meatlofer

    I remember going to the Prom with my Dad and comeing home with my Mom,but nothing 9 months prior?

  • edgydrifter

    Maybe he should reconsider his stance on burning hair. I'm told Blackbeard the pirate found it quite effective.

  • Joshua Norton

    Willard is that perfect blend of desperate and dull.

    • Loaded_Pants

      Desperate, dull, and rich is not a way to go through life, son, unless you're a Republican.

    • Desperately dull.

  • HateMachine

    He might be telling the truth, but it would mean he's the worst-dressed Timelord in history.

  • arihaya

    it's not that he doesn't want to pander,

    it's that his handlers realized that pandering will be useless with Weird Rick's barrage of stupidity in recent days

  • Ruhe

    "And it took place June 1, 1946 — fully nine months before Romney was born."

    Romney's sheepish response to his "handler": "I mean, seriously, who checks on shit like that? What kind of geek just goes and googles my birthdate and the Jubilee date and, you know, like a fucking geek, actually does the math? Who?"

    • Loaded_Pants

      Fact checkers?

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        When he loses in November, maybe he can deliver his Fact Checkers Speech.

  • Joshua Norton

    I’m not willing to light my hair on fire to try and get support.

    Why not? Then it would go with his pants.

  • Maybe this whole Presidential Candidate thing is an out-of-body experience for him before he gets beamed back up to KPax or Ko-Knob or wherever the hell he's from.

  • BarackMyWorld

    “I’m not willing to light my hair on fire to try and get support."

    Let's remember that line in October.

  • pinkocommi

    Why light your hair on fire when you can just show us your magic underwear? Or is that what makes the underwear magic?

  • RadioCualquier

    BTW, shouldn't a Romney call be the perfect robocall?

    • Angry_Marmot

      I've hung up on, or deleted, three or four a day here.

    • "..bleep blorp. Hello. I'm Mitt Rom Rom Rom Rom Rom Rom.."
      Oh shit, his Random Oscillation Memory has gotten stuck!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Grandmaster George and the Furious Ramblers was one of my favorite 1950s rap groups.

  • sharethegrief

    This is severe conservative speak for "I'm not flaming."

  • BloviateMe

    Even Hitler never put his dog on top of the car. I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin'

  • johnnymeatworth

    So he lied to Kid Rock when he said he would help Detroit?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

    • Terry

      Kid Rock evidently didn't read a certain op-ed and somehow missed a certain campaign ad filmed in Detroit.

  • MissTaken

    Only poorz pander. Rich people make up bullshit stories to make them sound like they can relate to the underclass. That's not pandering at all.

  • randcoolcatdaddy

    Translation: "Aw, screw this shit. I'm going home and cuddle up to my moneybags instead."

    • That fucker is so rich, he could spend ten million dollars a year and he would still be unable to outlive his money.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    For fans of the Reality TV Show, Babeaus of Pinal County
    Today's Episode:

    "severe" mental illness

    • The plot thickens. I'm surprised The Learning Channel hasn't jumped on this.

    • Loaded_Pants

      Gee-zus. This is a bad move on his supporters' part since there's been a growing amount or research that indicates mental illness can be genetic. So saying his sister is mentally ill also implies that he may be mentally ill. And, from what's been reported, it seems like he might be a bit (if not a lot) "off".

    • Is he another one of these "severe" Republicans?

  • doloras

    Usually you need to pay the Church of Scientology more than $10,000 to remember things from that early down your Time Track.

  • Bonzos_Bed_Time

    Without his hair on fire, he'll lose the zombie Michael Jackson vote.

  • OT: But the folks over at Wing Nut Daily are really dumb. Here's a screenshot of what I saw on Google: They changed the title, but not the URL slug for some reason… Maybe I'd understand if I put my tinfoil hat on?

    • Loaded_Pants

      They're just trying to compete with Fox Snooze.

  • mavenmaven

    That's why it doesn't really matter to him if he actually wins or not, he can always imagine that he was President, and recall what that was like, just like he can recall things about his father or his childhood that didn't happen.

  • I’m not willing to light my hair on fire

    Not even to be included in the 21st century follow-up volume of photojournamalism, "Let Us Now Praise Flame-ous Men"?

  • SorosBot

    I thought this story seemed a little familiar – and here it is. Last time Mittens ran for President, he reminisced about marching alongside his father at one of Martin Luther King's marches in Detroit. Problem is, George was not there and Mittens himself was doing his mission in France at the time:

    • Loaded_Pants

      In this respect, Mittens can claim he's just like Ronald Reagan. Remember that RR claimed he was there at the liberation of Auschwitz & filmed footage there himself.

      • ShaveTheWhales

        I've always been amazed that the Republican faithful could just brush that one off as "oh, well". I think that's when I finally realized that they just don't pay any attention to objective reality.

        This is, unfortunately, likely to turn out to be a bug, rather than just a feature, in the human species.

  • mrsbitch

    If there is a god, Santorum will win Michigan by one vote – mine. I almost puked on the nice lady's shoes when I handed her the registration to get a Republican ballot, but I did it.

    There is nothing I would love more than to have the equivalent of a male Michele Bachmann go up against Barry. I mean, run against Barry. I mean be the Republican contender for President in the next election.

    • Angry_Marmot

      I was going to throw a turd into the punch bowl for Ron Paul or Fred Karger, but just didn't have the heart for it.

      • mrsbitch

        Turd? I think that would have automatically been counted as a vote for Frothy.

        You should have gone and voted. I think I had more fun casting this vote than I did voting for Barry and meaning it.

        • DCBloom

          From all of us who don't live in Michigan… Thank you!

    • Loaded_Pants

      Open primary coming up here in VA. Too bad Santorum didn't make the ballot. I would have voted for him simply for the possibility that he'd get the nomination & the Thugs would get their asses kicked in November. But it's only going to be Paul & Romney on the ballot. I'll vote for Paul to do my own little part to muddy the waters. But I know that Romney will probably win here since he got the endorsement of Herr McDonnell.

  • Angry_Marmot

    Six degrees of desperation.

  • ElPinche

    Fetuses in glass jars shouldn't throw zygotes, my friend.

    • ElPinche

      ? haha….yager.

  • What, is he playing "Huntsman" now? He has just realized that spectacular, bigoted lies about Obama are undignified? Well there's still time for him to get a job in the Administration and quit it before the convention. Maybe "Secretary Of Romneycare."

  • Chichikovovich

    I listened to my answering machine a few minutes ago, and it was all "Hi I'm Mitt Romney.." beep "This is Anne Romney and I hope…" beep! "Hi I'm Mitt…" beep "Hi I'm… beep "Hi…"

    A couple of freakin' stalkers is what they are. Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction calibre.

    • Was there a boiling pot on the stove when you got home too?!

  • Given his amazing consistency and unwavering bold stances, I predict Mittens will be sparking up his coiffe by the end of the week.

  • Toomush_Infer

    Well, I for one am glad to see that Mitt has limits, and that we know now what they are….but…just for the record…..could he set the Donald's hair on fire?…

  • Toomush_Infer

    Also – he saw that parade on ultrasound….

  • finallyhappy

    Is it November yet??? Can't we just get the Prez reelected and be done with these throwback morons????

  • Mojopo

    One time, when I was five, I ate one hundred million Marathon Candy bars and pooped caramel for about six weeks.

    This other time, when I was six, my father had to decline a chance to walk on the moon because NASA realized he would most likely steal Buzz Aldrin's thunder.

    I remember everything like it was yesterday.

  • I'm beginning to think he's not smart enough to know how to pander.

    • Loaded_Pants

      His recent comments about how many vehicles he & his family owns & how he doesn't know NASCAR fans but owners of NASCAR teams seem to indicate that he's not pandering at all.
      He knows he's fucked up with such comments. His next step to fix his image will be saying things along the lines of:
      "I know what most Americans are going through right now, economically. We have not been able to find good help to work in any of our 12 houses. Because, y'know, I like firing people."

  • Former Wonk Ed Alex Pareene, opines on how Frothy is more electable than Mittens and the subtle differences between oikophobia and okiephobia. Would seem they feed their staff too much gin over at the Saloon.

    • Good read!

      That’s what the Wall Street Journal’s James Taranto does today in one of his wheezy columns insisting that liberals don’t understand real Americans as well as this longtime fixture at a New York City-based finance industry-aimed daily newspaper.

  • Oh GAWD, Kirsten Boyd Johnson!! Why do you not understand about MORMON SPIRIT BABBIES? Don't you know how BABBY IS FORMED?

    Mitt was there I tells ya!

  • TheRiverCharley

    "Fetuses are people too, my friend."

  • ttommyunger

    I'd rather Mitt lose Michigan too.

  • BZ1

    I'm not sure even setting his hair on fire, would make Mittens the least bit interesting

  • OneYieldRegular

    If Mitt is willing to play like Santorum, that Golden Jubilee story could make for one hell of an argument against abortion.

  • DaRooster

    “My dad had a job being the grandmaster."

    So your Dad worked one day also? Gone in a flash…

  • DahBoner

    You know, when Obama brings all those jobs back to America, they're going to kick out all those yuppies out of those loft apartments, so they can convert it back to a factory…

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