Here’s an interesting sales pitch from some super PAC supporting Michele Bachmann which we will now (pretty closely) paraphrase for you: “Professional football player Tim Tebow is not very smart, he has a problem with accuracy, and his holier-than-thou Christian shtick is incredibly irritating to many observers — which makes him exactly like Michele Bachmann.” So, uh, vote for her if you self-identify as a sanctimonious prick?

Also: wouldn’t it be fun if an Iowa voter turned on the teevee to see this weird campaign ad followed immediately by the other weird Michele Bachmann ad polluting the state’s airwaves lately, the one comparing her to Margaret Thatcher? This means that by MATH, Tim Tebow is like Margaret Thatcher, which, you know, makes sense. [YouTube via The Hill]

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  • Barb

    Michele, remember that every time you lie God kills a foster child.
    Marcus is like Tebow in that every time a guy hands him a ball he chokes.

    • Beowoof

      I am sure that Marcus has much better ball handling skills than Tebow does.

      • Barb

        Only because he's handled more balls.

    • ProgressiveInga

      And they both pray every night for a big, burly tight end to help them score.

      • Barb

        Marcus is trying to trick a whole bunch of dyslexic boys into going to the Super Blow XLVI with him in Indianapolis this year.

    • Bonzos_Bed_Time

      Marcus is more of a wide receiver.

    • prommie

      clap, clap, clap. . . .

      Back in college, it was Peyton Manning who was the notorious choker.

      • GOPCrusher

        Tee Martin approves of this message.

  • nounverb911

    "the one comparing her to Margaret Thatcher?"
    Bachmannn has Alzheimer's too?

  • Indiepalin

    In a last desperate attempt to finish in the money, Bachmann today approved as her new campaign theme song, Frank Zappa's "Harder Than Your Husband"

    • Steverino247

      I hope she does do that. Gail Zappa would kick her ass!

    • C_R_Eature

      America's Iron lady – "In the Night of the Iron Sausage, where the Torture Never Stops."

      That's the soundtrack that comes to my mind when I see this.

      Impressive -p score, BTW. Sorry I screwed it up with an UpFist.

  • memzilla

    Honest to Gawd, on C-SPAN this morning, she claimed she "is not a politician," and then in the very next breath said it's her "five years experience" in Washington that makes her qualified to be Preznit.

    I wish it were possible to have a crawl under C-Span in real-time with a Politifact feed, instantly rating a politician's statement from "Fact" to "Pants-On-Fire Lie" to "Just Plain Crazy."

    • Terry

      Not a politician? She's not much of a lawyer, either. About the only thing I can tell that she IS is a poster child for false eyelash abuse.

  • Bachmann 2012
    America's Church Lady™

  • DaRooster

    Tebow does throw like Thatch…

    • ProgressiveInga

      But Maggie had better follow through.

    • chicken_thief

      And just like Thatch, he scrubs his pussy real good in the post game shower.

    • I have it on good authority that during his college years, Tebow was openly Gator.

  • Beowoof

    Michele said there was a miracle coming today in her campaign. They miracle would be if she finishes ahead Jon Huntsman and Marcus wanted to bang her to celebrate the big win.

  • Goonemeritus

    I am nothing if not a sanctimonious prick yet I still don’t find myself swayed by her campaign.

  • WhatTheHolyHeck

    Next up, she'll attempt to appeal to foodies by comparing herself to Guy Fieri.

    • Makes sense, I hear he runs away screaming from the gays as well:

      • elviouslyqueer

        "Guy had decided that the two men running the restaurant were life partners," Page remembers. "He said, 'You can't send me to talk to gay people without warning! Those people weird me out!'"

        This, from the man who looks suspiciously like Anne Burrell in bad drag.

        • …and looks like he could serve hors d'oeuvres off the spikes in his hair.

      • kissawookiee

        I am actually elated to hear this, as it gives me a concrete reason to despise him. I felt so shallow about it before.

      • GOPCrusher

        For the life of me, I would of swore that Guy Fieri is as queer as a three dollar bill.

      • Hey, he's from Ferndale. If he didn't hate the gays and the darkies, the town fathers would have to disown him.

    • I'm sorry, but she has a long way to go to achieve that level of douchebaggery. She's more like Rachel Ray minus the Jerseyness.

      • WhatTheHolyHeck

        If I had this post to do all over again, I would have gone for Sandra Lee.

        Because, dude.

        SANDRA. LEE.

        • To me, Sarah Palin is more like Sandra Lee: everything she does if half-baked.

        • DaRooster

          Because nobody doesn't like Sandra Lee…
          Oh wait…

      • SorosBot

        And without being cute, though in an annoying way; she's just annoying.

  • NorthStarSpanx

    There is a lot more than the Establishment that loves to hate on Michele.

  • Kyle Orton approves this message.

  • SayItWithWookies

    So she's saying that Tim Tebow throws like a girl?

    • Beowoof

      And Marcus catches like a girl, what's your point?

    • Like I said: openly Gator.

  • GunToting[Redacted]

    I think Thatcher had a higher QB rating.

    • Come here a minute

      And she had to do it backwards and in heels.

      • Terry

        And she wouldn't have pissed around kneeling on the field.

        • chicken_thief

          Or mumbly singing Jeebus toonz on the sidelines when he could possibly be thinking about ways to effectively throw the football or how to read a defense.

          • Or hanging out with Spuds McKenzie.

          • SudsMcKenzie

            I >Tebow

  • elviouslyqueer

    Now now KBJ. Everyone knows that sanctimonious pricks are Marcus's favorites!

  • There are many kinds of movies. This movie is called a Docu-Drama. These kinds of movies are based on things that really happened. But many times the real people that the thing happened to are not very good looking so they hire good looking actors to play them. Even though the story may be the greatest story ever told, Nobody will see the movie if it is told by ugly people.

    • … with pale, stubby eyelashes.

    • Case in point: The Historical Jesus looked like Jason Alexander.

  • SorosBot

    But if Bachmann was like Tim Tebow, all the political pundits would keep annoyingly gushing about how she's one of the greatest political candidates ever and "she just wins" even as continues to be unable to actually score any votes and gets crushed by any real competition.

    • tihond

      And Skip Bayless would masturbate to pictures of her.

      • ShaveTheWhales

        Are we sure this isn't already happening?

  • arihaya

    maybe we need more revenge for Limbaugh's "Operation Chaos" .. how about "Operation Bachmann Blast" … or "Operation Santorum Surge"

    check whether your state is open primary

  • Tundra Grifter

    This is what Ole Crazy Eyes' friends are saying about her? No wonder the other candidates aren't running ads actually attacking her – she's managing to take care of that all by herself.

  • SorosBot

    In fairness, Bachmann is almost as smart as Margaret Thatcher – that is, as smart as that Alzheimer's-ridden old bitch is now.

  • She may suck as President but Marcus is going to make an excellent first lady.

  • CrunchyKnee

    In all fairness I'd say Tebow is the American Tea Bagger's next Palin.

    • flamingpdog

      Oh pleaze, Jeebus, let Tebow be like John Elway in refusing to run for public office.

  • KobayashiMaru

    Vote for Bachmann- out of SPITE.

  • I think the people in the world that are praying the most are College football guys that are receivers or tight ends. Because they're all like, "Please dear God, don't let Denver draft me. Please please please."
    Have you ever ever played Frisbee with a four year old? Well that is what it would be like if Tim Tebow was your quarterback. The receivers job would be like to climb up in a tree or over the fence or up on the garage to get the ball back.

    • Chichikovovich

      Like Frisbee with a four-year old, and, (when you are extended to your full height, hoping to catch the throw with your fingertips extended) lightning-fast 250-pound, pure-muscled assassins who have the licence to play "supercollider particle" with you the second your fingers touch it.

  • memzilla

    The most appropriate anagram for "Michele Bachmann" is "Maniac Bench Helm."

  • Joshua Norton

    Tebow reminds me of a great scene from Casa Blanca:

    Ugarte : You despise me, don't you?
    Rick : If I gave you any thought I probably would.

    9ERS!!! Whoot!!!!

  • Indiepalin

    Shoot, Bachmann would have had a better game against the Bills last week than Tebow.

  • Considering that Tebow's team has now lost 3 in a row and will probably get crushed in the Playoffs, yes, Michelle, by all means.

  • It's hard to stand out as a Christian in America's overwhelmingly Christian culture, which is why the ones that do stand out like Bachmann and Tebow are so freakishly annoying.

  • The biggest joke of all is the claim that "the liberal media" hates Tim Tebow. Do these people watch ESPN? During The Streak, they were washing his fucking feet with their hair every 10 minutes!

    • Chichikovovich

      Oh, man, you're giving me flashbacks of the KC game on Sunday. Tebow had just about finished one of the worst performances I've every seen from a professional quarterback (and remember – I grew up watching the CFL!) 6/22passing for 60 yards, (27.3% completion percentage) 1 lost fumble, 1 interception, 16 yards on six rushes, and a total of 3 – count'em three total points against a so-so defense and a team already out of the playoffs, while the Broncos were fighting for a playoff spot. (At the time they didn't know the Raiders would also lose, so this was really crunch time.) This was after Football Jesus had put on another spectacular display of suckiosity against a weak team the week before.

      The Denver offence gets the ball back with one last chance to win. And the commentators start immediately falling over themselves pimping the agreed-on-script. "Now if Tebow leads a comeback win here, can you imagine how much this will add to his growing legend". Fortunately the words "Joe Montana" were never spoken or my TV might not have survived the shotgun blast. But you just know that if Tebow hadn't proceeded to screw up yet again on the way to defeat, the TV guys had the name on their notepads, warmed up and ready to go.

      More of that anti-Christian media bias we keep hearing about.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        Only thing that could have made it any better would be if Odin had struck him down right there on the playing field with a bolt of lightning.

        • MosesInvests

          Not Thor?

          • Ultimate Thor just thinks he's Clay Matthews. The All-Father has not yet opened his eyes.

        • Chichikovovich

          Oh, yeah! With a big, booming voice like James Earl Jones only more so, echoing through the stadium: “Listen you mortals, this was the work of Odin. Got that? Odin the allfather. Not that other guy, who takes Sundays off. Make sure that is recorded correctly in the box score.”—

      • GOPCrusher

        Never have been a Pittsburgh fan since my Raiders kept losing to them in the 70's, but I would almost pay the fine myself to see James Harrison light Tebow up like a cheap cigar.

        • Here's my fantasy: Harrison creams Tebow then throws hundreds of dollar bills in the air screaming, "Goodell, I'm makin' it RAIN in here."

  • I've been waiting for when they bring out "The 'Fun' MATH," KBJ. Since I was, oh, about twelve.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    Wonkette frontpagers clearly feeling the heat of Liz Colville.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Blue, are you Liz's husband or boyfriend or dad or what?

      • What did I miss? Who is Liz Colville?

        • BaldarTFlagass

          Scroll down the main page for today's posts and check out the bylines. We have a nooby correspondent.

  • Kinda OT, but after PSU lost its bowl game this weekend, Pennsylvania media just had to complain about the "distractions" faced by those poor players and their complicit coaches.

    In short, fuck football of all kinds.

  • Sue4466

    Love that Micheal Steele is the center of the "establishment Republican" photo. Because when I think GOP, I think black guy.

  • Wilcoxyz

    Is getting criticized by fantasy football dorks the new martyrdom?

    • GOPCrusher

      To hear the Tebowites, the whole thing is the fault of John Fox and Elway for setting Tebow up to fail, by calling the plays that they do.

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    Yes. Like that football player, she has a dick, she cries, and she wasn't aborted.

  • Wilcoxyz

    Also, by this logic, is Kim Kardashian the new patron saint of opposite marriage?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    So, is she going to take on the Pittsburgh Steelers before or after their showdown with the Mile High Messiah this weekend?

  • Sparky_McGruff

    Since I don't pay attention to Tim Tebow, or for that matter, the Denver Broncos if I can possibly avoid it, I went to the google news to see what he's been up to lately. I found this:

    Tim Tebow's last 14 dropbacks on Sunday resulted in two completions, two sacks, one interception, 7 net yards, oodles of incompletions, no first downs and, ultimately, defeat.

    Yeah, that sounds kinda like our Michele.

    • Chichikovovich

      Yep, but despite that absolutely spectacular display of really-not-good-ness, and one possibly even worse the week before, the Broncos managed to back into the playoffs because all their competitors sucked even more. In the playoff game next week, somebody is going to get hurt real bad. And it won't be the Steelers.

      And I'm starting to see the analogy, since Michele's best hope is that the other Republican candidates will stink even more than she does, setting up a total annihilation in the post-nomination season at the hands of the first real opponent she faces.

  • Thurman Munster IV

    So when Tebow kneels, all he's doing is "tamping the dirt down"? I now understand the Thatcher reference.

  • chascates

    She's expecting a miracle because she believes in He who delivers miracles. And smackdowns.

    Read my profile for further information.

    • flamingpdog

      Laws of the universe? If they weren't passed by a Republican-controlled Congress, they don't mean nothin'! Ramen!

  • OK, I'll try it:
    – Margaret Thatcher is as electable as Zombie Reagan
    – Tebow wishes he could elect his Imaginary Hero, Zombie Jesus;
    – Therefore, Bachmann's a sanctimonious fool's idea of what a gilded, beatified waxed dray horse looks like.

    • Chichikovovich

      You must have really aced the SAT's.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Tim Tebow, however, completes an awesome 47% of his passes, which is far and away a much larger percentage than the percentage of congressional legislation that Michele actually is present to vote on.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    This is good news for Tom Brady!!!

  • VinnyThePooh

    I think James Harrison should give Michele a reality check.

    • Callyson

      After he gives Tebow one.
      And with apologies to my friends in Denver–GO STEELERS!

      • VinnyThePooh

        Even Jesus will snicker.

        • BaldarTFlagass

          Jesus is taking the Steelers and the points, and the under.

          • flamingpdog

            I think Marcus is taking the over.

    • Helmet to empty helmet is not a penalty.

  • rickmaci

    By next Sunday evening, Tebow and Bachmann will have one more thing in common; they will both be trying to figure out why Jeebuzz didn't show up,despite all their public piety, to help them and instead left their holier than thou broken, bloody "deer in the headlights" carcasses laid out on the highway of life, like road kill on a rural Iowa highway.

    • SorosBot

      Why does Jesus only help Timmy when he's playing other teams that suck?

      • BaldarTFlagass

        Jesus has finally started giving the Broncos' opponents some game film to study.

  • Callyson

    Actually, after the Broncos – Chiefs game last Sunday, I'd say Shelly has a lot in common with Tebow after all…

  • MistaEko

    Like Tebow, she shows a small early sign of potential then goes on to shit the bed.

  • Ducksworthy

    I'm still waiting to hear what Marcus did to those free range foster children Shely was living off of for so long.

  • tihond

    Oh analogies…

    Bachmann = Tebow
    Obama = Rodgers
    Romney = Brees
    Pawlenty = Peyton Manning
    John Huntsman = Eli Manning
    Rick Perry = Kyle Orton
    Herman Cain = Jay Cutler
    Santorum = Philip Rivers
    Ron Paul = John Rocker

    • BaldarTFlagass

      You forgot
      Nicolas Sarkozy = Tom Brady (for the hot wife)

      • carlgt1

        Cain is more Vick? (scandal-laden brother)

    • Chichikovovich

      Michele Bachmann = Mark Fidrych

  • OneYieldRegular

    Should I feel not very smart, inaccurate, and holier-than-thou if I reveal that I have only the vaguest idea who Tim Tebow is?

    • Bluestatelibel

      No. It will just annoy you if you knew about him, trust me.

    • My crystal ball reveals that if you have a television, it has never been tuned to ESPN or any of the FOX Sports networks.

      • Chichikovovich

        Or Pat Robertson's show.

      • SorosBot

        And that OYR hasn't been to any bars with TVs recently, since they always show ESPN.

  • I'm betting Bachmann can run the wildcat better than Tebow anyway.

    Hm. Maybe they should switch jobs?

  • Allmighty_Manos

    Tebow had something else in common with Bachmann. They are both on the verge of having their asses handed to them from someone from Western. Pa.

    • A big Pittsburgh thumbs-up for that one.

  • Antispandex

    Sorry, I've had to give up on Michelle (except for that wierd late night fantasy thingy that I still can't explain), since this ad came out. You see, I was watching the game last Sunday, and there was Tim praying on the sideline (because Jesus is supposed to like him best) and the Broncos lost the game anyway! WTF?! Well, if Jesus has given up on Tim, and Michelle is like Tim…You see what I mean? It's only logical.

  • owhatever

    DENVER — In a surprise move today, the Denver Broncos hired Michele Bachmann as their new quarterback to replace Tim Tebow because she was more Jesusy and is a better passer. "God made me do it," said Bronco executive vice president John Elway. "Those Christians buy tickets and gear."

  • Steverino247

    They both shamelessly exploit the sincerely held beliefs of millions of Americans to further their own careers?

  • Barrelhse

    Is any of this even up to her to decide? Having informed us that God! told her to run, we must assume that He's calling all the shots on this one; otherwise, WTF, Michele?

    • GOPCrusher

      If it's the same God that told Tebow he could be a NFL QB, then that God has a sick sense of humor.

  • mavenmaven

    … and they both thrive in a repressed homoerotic milieu…

  • upthruster

    "This means that by MATH, Tim Tebow is like Margaret Thatcher, which, you know, makes sense."
    No, me thinks it's more like if Bachmann = Tebow, then Tebow = Bachmann,( an old cheerleader from the farm with a closeted homosexual husband). Yeah, I can totally see that equation. (read: he's very good at dropping to his knees around a ball)

    • Barrelhse

      Damn, I rue my English degree. I never get any of this.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    So, if Michele is just like Tebow, does this mean that Tim has a closeted, gay husband?

  • Troglodeity

    You may laugh now, but come next weekend when Tebow completes only 1 of 23 passes – but it's deflected and miraculously caught by an unwitting Denver receiver for a touchdown – and the dominant Denver defense hands that flabby misogynist Steeler QB his ass on a platter, enabling the Broncos to beat the Steelers by four points … then you will all – ALL! – meekly bow to the near-religious miracle that is the risen-from-the-dead Denver Broncos.

    As for Bachmann, you may also laugh now … And you can laugh later, too. She's toast.

    • Barrelhse

      He'll win with a Hail Mary to the end-zone.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Yeah, but the road to the SB still goes through Satan Belichick's playground up in Fahks-bro.

    • Chichikovovich

      Actually what I'm worried about is Tebow going 0 of 23, throwing seven picks, losing three fumbles and gaining no yards rushing, but the Denver defense picking up a safety along the way. So that after the 2 to 0 Denver victory, every story on ESPN will be about how "just in time for the playoffs, Tim Tebow has got the magic back".

    • Is this the text of some kind of Exorcism Rite?! Because it BURRRNSS!!!!

  • carlgt1

    Hey darling Michelle — so long, and thanks for all the corn dogs!

  • chascates

    MIchele Bachmann/Maude Flanders 2012!

  • Slim_Pickins

    After all, didn't l nn consider "How big is the clip on the AR-15 you said you hunted with?" a goacha question?

  • ttommyunger

    This is good news for John McCain.

  • Catabite

    Totally random aside- Tim Tebow played football for my high school. Technically he kind of wasn't allowed to, since he was homeschooled by Jebus or something, I don't know. I never actually saw him close-up except for when I scuttled past the football players practicing on the football field with the rest of the marching band. He would kind of be shuffled out onto the field, and then spirited away once practice was over. It was extremely weird.

  • SudsMcKenzie

    We need to "franchise tag" Laurie Apple

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