BRINGIN' IT BACK '08 STYLENEW YORK—It’s the 70th anniversary of Pearl Harbor today, a day that has indeed lived in infamy, providing us with our annual reminder that you can all probably take those “never forget” bumper stickers off your cars because human beings are actually pretty good at remembering terrible things that have happened to them, thank you very much.

And now for the news, which, BREAKING: Alec Baldwin got kicked off an airplane yesterday and it’s all anyone can talk about today and isn’t our media just the best because really where would our democracy be without such a discriminating and responsible fourth estate to ask all the truly important questions we have to wonder?

(We kid, obviously.)

So! Democrats all across the country are peeing themselves this morning after the Obama re-election effort kicked off in full force yesterday in Osawatomie, KS (pronounced oh-suh-WAHT-ah-mee) (you’re welcome). The President delivered a speech reminiscent of the Obama the Campaigner we all know and love, one of only a handful of sightings we’ve had during three very long and mostly kind of meh years of Obama the President. And while we’ll admit we’re as delighted as anyone to hear the President hitting all the right populist notes, we’re also still feeling a little burnt from the last time the President gave a bunch of inspiring speeches and won the election and then when he was on his way to the capital he stopped off at the Goldman Sachs boardroom to put together an economic team. So, fool us once shame on we won’t be foo—er, whatever, this is all to say the President’s speech really only registered a 6.4 or so on our Hopey Changey index.

Historic, amazing, truly heartwearming stuff yesterday out of the State Department, as Hillary Clinton delivered a beautiful speech in which she pledged to tie American foreign policy to a broader definition of human rights, making the latter one and the same with gay rights. The Advocate has a good wrap-up of some of the more feel-good bullet points from her speech, such as: “This recognition did not occur all at once. It evolved over time. And as it did, we understood that we were honoring rights that people always had, rather than creating new or special rights for them. Like being a woman, like being a racial, religious, tribal, or ethnic minority, being LGBT does not make you less human. And that is why gay rights are human rights, and human rights are gay rights.” We also appreciate the nod Ms. Clinton gave to the ongoing struggle for gay rights here at home, because when we first saw the President’s memorandum yesterday we thought it was a bit odd that a man who has said he’s “still working on” how he feels about letting domestic gays get married would start talking big game about international gays, but Hillary went out of her way to say that “we, like all nations, have more work to do to protect human rights at home,” so, you know, hooray for self-awareness.

Mitt Romney is grabbing all the headlines today in the GOP primary race after distinguishing himself as the only grown-up in the room willing to turn down an invitation to this calamitous mockery of a debate being hosted by Donald Trump (our sincerest apologies to Messrs. Huntsman and Paul, both also also grown-ups who just so happen to be dogged by the fact that there aren’t very many grown-ups answering the phone when Republican pollsters call). Now between the lines it’s a completely different story, of course, considering Mitt’s the only candidate in the race right now sitting on an actual war chest, meaning he’s the only candidate who has the luxury of being able to turn down Trump’s offer of free airtime because he can just drop a few mil to flood Iowa’s airwaves with a few more ads putting John McCain words in the Preisdent Obama’s mouth.

Though! We’ll admit we may be entirely off point here, because if Mitt’s really got all the money he needs to dominate the airwaves then we’re just left scratching our heads over his decision to make his first Sunday television appearance in nearly two years on… Fox News? As in, the network that just beat him up last week?

But in any event, this is serious: Newt Gingrich now absolutely has to win the Republican nomination, because Mike Allen reports this morning that Mitt Romney has selected Kid Rock’s “Born Free” as his campaign song and none of us will survive eleven months of hearing Kid Rock this can’t be happening, seriously, he must be stopped if we’re to save the Union.


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  • Barb

    Bad Alec Baldwin! Go to my room!

    • mrpuma2u

      "pronounced oh-suh-WAHT-ah-mee" Oh, so what uh me 'sposed to care about Alec Baldwin acting like an ass, again????

    • chicken_thief

      He has to call his kid and rip 'em a new asshole just to vent a little first.

      • sbj1964

        Steven Baldwin Sy-Fy channel original actor.Only because Bruce Campbell is getting to old.

    • neiltheblaze

      When you're finished with him, please send him to mine for further punishment.

  • johnnymeatworth

    So all Mittens' campaign stops are going to be Waffle Houses from here on out?

    • MrFizzy

      I think Joseph Smith allowed waffles, so it should be okay. Syrup may be too wild though.

      • GunToting[Redacted]

        I think he allowed some apple butter on Sunday.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        If it's the same maple syrup that Perry consumed, it might be fun to watch.

  • …and then when he was on his way to the capital he stopped off at the Goldman Sachs boardroom to put together an economic team.

    Yves Smith at naked capitalism:

    The misdirection is blindingly obvious. The claim is that the Administration needs new tools to get tough on banks. No, it has plenty of tools, starting with Sarbanes Oxley. As we’ve discussed at length in earlier posts, Sarbox was designed to eliminate the CEO and top brass “know nothing” excuse. And the language for civil and criminal charges is parallel, so a prosecutor could file civil charges, and if successful, could then open up a related criminal case. Sarbox required that top executives (which means at least the CEO and CFO) certify the adequacy of internal controls, and for a big financial firm, that has to include risk controls and position valuation. The fact that the Administration didn’t attempt to go after, for instance, AIG on Sarbox is inexcusable.

  • bureaucrap

    we luvs us some hillarys…

    • Limeylizzie

      I loathed her when she was running for Prez, but I adore her now, still wouldn't want her to be Prez, but what a lovely human she is.

    • sbj1964

      Bill Clinton, was America's first Black President!

  • DaRooster

    I can't wait for Trump to drop out of this next debate… he could just drop out all together and that would be nice too.

  • memzilla

    Newt Gingrich Dickens will use the debate to accuse Sasha and Malia of being unpatriotic for not a-moppin' and a-cookin' in the "White" House. He will use the actual "air quotes" hand gesture when he say "White" House.

  • I bet Kid Rock, whoever he is, says that MIttens cannot use his contemporary rock and roll song because he is a Mormon.

    • sbj1964

      Newts official campaign song is his Phones ring-tone Abba's ( Dancing Queen)

    • Guppy

      So you believe Kid Rock will stand on his principles?

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      Kid Rock is a modern-day Gene Simmons of Kiss (this is how Simmons actually introduces himself: "Hi, I'm Gene Simmons of Kiss…"). He knows he is a minimally-talented guy who has a knack for putting out shit that people will pay for. He appears to embrace this. You have to have some respect for this, unlike the bullshit-spewing politicians who like to pretend that they are not just in it for the money.

    • GOPCrusher

      Highly doubtful. It's probably the only way a Kid Rock song will be heard.

  • Sue4466

    I don't mean to be cynical, but the whole "gay rights are human rights" rings hollow when our foreign policy still counts amongst our BFFs countries with atrocious records on women's rights because you know we can't forgo oil for a bunch of girls. So I doubt we'll do any better for the gays.

  • freakishlywrong

    Oh, fucking great. Now, we get to sit back and watch softcore porn interviews on Fux played over and over again on our teevees and the cable "news", because none of the assclowns that are the Republican nominees has the ball sacs to actually be interviewed anywhere else.

  • slithytoves

    you can all probably take those “never forget” bumper stickers off your cars because human beings are actually pretty good at remembering terrible things that have happened to them, thank you very much.

    The Bush presidency and Gingrich's rise in the polls seem to belie that claim.

  • freakishlywrong

    Oh, and that President yesterday? That President I'd vote for.

    • Guppy

      Maybe he'll run against the incumbent in the primary.

      • Callyson

        I'd settle for him bumping off Obama's current economic team and replacing them with Paul Krugman, Elizabeth Warren, Robert Reich and the like…

  • CapeClod

    Good job on Mittins, Paul and Huntsman for skipping the Krusty the Clown debate.

    • Geminisunmars

      On the sanity continuum they represent the slightly less crazy.

      • WunkRocker

        So it is just going to be what? Newt and Shelley?

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          And Santorum. And, most importantly, Donald.

          They haven't assembled that much stupid in one room since "Jersey Shore".

  • MrFizzy

    Kid Rock is perfect for Mittens because they both fucking suck.

  • Ugh, Alec. You've forgotten the three cardinal warnings:

    Never play cards with a man called "Doc" star in a movie titled "Marrying Man" if you don't plan to stay married to your leading lady from that same film in real life;

    Never eat at a place called "Mom's" leave nasty voicemails for your eleven-year-old daughter, since recording device <==> transferable ==>> viral;

    and, never doubt that next-to-nobody else's problems compared to these will ever seem greater than your own.

  • oh-suh-WAHT-ah-mee? oh-suh-WAHT-ah-you?

    There, after that oafish passive-aggressive post I feel much better.

    / gets up, clicks heels, and heads off for another cup a joe

    • MildMidwesterner

      How do you pronounce Phuket?

      • LetUsBray

        When I open my Thai restaurant, I'm totally calling it "Aww, Phuket".

        • DaRooster

          Once was a man owned "Aww, Phuket",
          With a …

          • Tommmcattt

            A restaurant name of "Aww, Phucket",
            Sold bahn mi and pad thai by the bucket,
            But when buyers of food
            Called the restaurant name "rude",
            Quoth the owner: "Don't like it? Go suck it!"

  • MildMidwesterner

    December 7th is also the day that Delaware became the first state to ratify the Constitution (in 1787). You all can toss that into your water cooler conversations today as a way to show that you know American history better than your co-workers. You're welcome.

    • jus_wonderin

      Dang it! I have a minion to bring me water. Cool, clean…water. I will toss it at her.

  • Baconzgood

    I fucking hate that Kid Rock. Where did that cool midget go? He was the only redeeming quality of that white trash jerk. It's like his career just died.

    • DaRooster

      … like the midget…

      • Baconzgood

        NO WAY! Midgets can't die. They are filled with magic.

        • DaRooster

          Not that one… I believe he was filled with Jim Beam.

          • Baconzgood

            Too-may-toe, Ta-ma-toe.

          • DaRooster

            Magic = Whiskey… I agree!

          • jus_wonderin

            Hey now, I think vodka is kinda magical, too.

          • DaRooster

            All of 'em, … *hic*

  • freakishlywrong

    Cankles, pantsuits and all. Hillz has been fucking fantastic. (And she looks like she's enjoying it!)

  • Texan_Bulldog

    Just wait until the base finds out that Kid Rock sired a half black child just like Barry! Why doesn't Mitt use that stupid Lee Greenwood song like every other 'Murican-loving Republican pol? Just goes to show that Mitt can't do anything the base likes.

  • Mittens should use the more realistic Kid Rock's "Wasting Time."

  • LetUsBray

    Voting yes on Cowboy Caligula's war of choice on Iraq?

  • Joshua Norton

    none of us will survive eleven months of hearing Kid Rock this can’t be happening, seriously, he must be stopped if we’re to save the Union.

    Are we there yet? I'm bored. How long until we get there? I'm bored. Can we stop for ice cream? I'm thirsty. Are there any cookies left? I'm bored. Are we there yet?

    • DaRooster

      I have to go to the potty.

      • jus_wonderin

        Stop that right now or I am pulling this Internet over. I mean it!

  • mereoblivion

    Osawatomie, Kansas, proud home of Wassamatta U.

    But is Rick Perry against gay rights Over There so he won't have to be for them Over Here? And how does any of that advance his Homersexuala Gender?

    • Swampgas_Man

      I'm just amazed there wasn't Santorum all over this.

    • GOPCrusher

      I thought Frostbite Falls, MN. was the home of Wassamatta U.?

      • mereoblivion

        They moved to Kansas 'cause they heard it would improve their football team. (They were misinformed.)

  • Douché

    Maybe Baldwin should run for the GOP Nod.

  • SexySmurf

    Well, I like music of almost any kind, except for fucking Kid Rock.

    And Coldplay.

    • Baconzgood

      And Creed and Black Eyed Peas and Justin Bieber and Katy Perry and No Doubt and Lady Gaga and….

      • SorosBot

        Hey now, Katy Perry is fine; I love listening to her breasts.

        • proudgrampa

          Yup, those are nice casabas. I could listen to them all day.

      • MrFizzy

        I knew nothing whatsoever about the Black Eyed Peas until I saw them perform at the super bowl last year, and immediately wished I could return to knowing nothing about them.

    • FNMA

      And I raise you Nickelback…

      • MrFizzy


      • GOPCrusher

        Whoever invented Nickleback, needs to be throat punched.

    • MrFizzy

      you should not put kid rock and coldplay in the same paragraph – that's disgusting.

    • DaRooster

      I used to think Coldplay was the worst… then I heard Radiohead…

  • x111e7thst

    Silly Hillary. The only rights gay people have are to marry a member of the opposite sex and to have Marcus pray their ghey away.

    • Guppy

      I bet that, as we speak, 'Chele and Marcus are working on a way to get Obamacare to pay for that particular "treatment."

  • SorosBot

    Now I wouldn't call Mr. Paul a grownup just because he turned down the invite to Trump's clown debate; he manages to combine being a grumpy "kids get off my lawn" old man with being a petulant child, as most Libertarians are. Don't confuse him being occasionally right on some issues (though usually for the wrong reasons) for being sane or intelligent, which he's not.

    • V572 the Merciless

      Aside from getting out of pointless wars (including the one on drugs), everything that Obstetro-Congressman Ron Paul advocates is about letting the rich keep more of their money. And even the no-more-war part is about lower taxes, not fewer pointless deaths.

    • SayItWithWookies

      He's also getting less coherent the more he's forced to describe his views — if you didn't watch any of the horrible Huckabee forum, go and search for "Republican Candidate Forum" and 12/3/2011 and check it out — basically the damn fool from Texas (where a BP refinery blew up and killed a bunch of people, and the smog around Houston is poisonous) believes the free market will work better to stop pollution than the invasive EPA. If it weren't for myopically single-minded weed legalizers, he'd've been doomed long ago.

    • GOPCrusher

      I think Ron is just pissed that Trump pointed out the obvious about him.

  • I'm surprise Mittens ain't hitting the Justin Beiber treasure chest of toe tapping hits. The lyrics are certainly vapid enough for his campaign.

    • Guppy

      I think the GOP base is still unhappy with Beiber not giving Netanyahu a complementary blowjob.

    • dinkybossetti

      But he's Canadian, and we have so much vapid-lyric-producing talent right here at home!

  • I cannot think of a less pertinent, more misappropriated title of a song — being misapplied to a lifestyle-constrained, dietary-limit-imposing, wives-must-share/husbands-are-exempt polygamist, cult-evoking Mormon background – – than a song called "BORN FREE."
    Filed under "W,T,F."

  • Kid Rock may very well suck 4 Nickelback dicks, but if you had to choose between that and the Mormon Tabernacle Choir….

    • jus_wonderin

      The Morman Tabernacle Choir? How many dicks is that???

      • 3 1/2 Creed dicks.

        • DaRooster

          And 1 castrato…

  • Schmannnity

    Born Free as a campaign song? Talk about socialized medicine.

  • Romney is a complete wimp for not going into the Trump debate.

    • chicken_thief

      I think you could have ended that sentence after the first four words and been perfectly fine.

  • Joshua Norton

    Same sex corporations can marry in Iowa.

  • Baconzgood

    12-07 Tom Waits' birthday. NEVER FORGET!

    • GorzoTheMighty

      Birthday party at Heartattack and Vine. Be there by closing time

      • Baconzgood

        I'll bring 16 shells and a thirty-ought six.

    • SayItWithWookies

      "I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy." Happy birthday, Tom!

    • Geminisunmars

      Mitt should have chosen Tom Wait's song "New Coat of Paint".

  • LiveToServeYa

    Are we contrite that we laughed at her pants suits and cankles and PUMAs and stuff three years ago? Are we sad that we pegged Al Gore as Mr. Roboto? Ah, well, you can't pee into the same river twice.

    • DarwinianDemon

      No, PUMAs are still dumb assholes who voted for Palin. And as Clinton did her duty in her capacity as Obama's secretary of state, I don't understand how this vindicates them at all.

    • Guppy

      Nah, the body count in Iraq continues to climb thanks to Hillz' vote.

  • Suck My Balls

    Obama gave a great speech? Oh Thank God! That will totally make up for three years of being a spineless pussy! I'll start knocking on doors now…

    • walterhwhite

      I expect you'll take offense, but I truly hate your user name. It's gross. I mean, I expect a little creativity from Wonketeers.

      • Suck My Balls

        Hahaha! You had me going there for a second.

        • walterhwhite

          Just in case you really thought I was kidding, I wasn't. Reading your username makes me go eeewww.

  • chicken_thief

    "…Mitt Romney has selected Kid Rock’s “Born Free” as his campaign song…"

    Because there is no artist the teabaggers love more than Kid Rock – at the DC Rally last year I saw hundreds, nee, THOUSANDS, jammin' along the invalid lanes on the hoverounds blasting Early Mornin' Stoned Pimp.

  • arihaya

    Mitten selected "Born Free" because his first choice "Born White" isn't available

  • not that Dewey

    so, you know, hooray for self-awareness.

    Well, it is National Awareness Month

    So, does Mitt wants to "get a map to the stars, find Heidi Fleiss"?

  • DaRooster

    "Mitt Romney has selected Kid Rock’s “Born Free”…"

    Until you can stand and then you get to go to work in a sweat shop… for no wage.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    Izlamz Invading Through Meheeco!!!!99999999999/////////11111111111111

    • Guppy

      What was his plan, to cross the border and lie low on the Bush compound?

  • AddHomonym

    Is Kid Rock trying to turn into Tom Petty?

    • Guppy

      He's trying to turn into something profitable.

  • not that Dewey

    Now, Maureen Dowd is generally a rather sloppy thinker/writer these days, but she had some semi-decent snark for Newt the other day:

    His mind is a jumble, an amateurish mess lacking impulse control. He plays air guitar with ideas, producing air ideas. He ejaculates concepts, notions and theories that are as inconsistent as his behavior.

    • elviouslyqueer

      Oh thanks, Dewey. Now I have a mental image of Newt ejaculating. GAH.

      • not that Dewey

        You're welcome. I figured you were just starting to recover from the "fleshing out" thing, and needed a new mental image.

        • BZ1

          didn't someone say Newt is a smart person, to dumb people …

          • flamingpdog

            Paul Krugman.

      • Swampgas_Man

        Obviously, Newt leaks Santorum.

    • Maybe Newt's Freudian slip is that his preconscious is in permanent timeout – a popcorn popper with a missing lid.

  • DahBoner
    • Clearly, don't be buffaloed.

  • BklynIlluminati

    Mittens has a new ad coming out threatening his 2016 AND his 2020 nomination campaign. They just have to cave sooner or later and give it to me THEY JUST HAVE TOO!!!

  • sbj1964

    This re-election for President Obama should be a cake walk It's just a sad commentary on the GOP that these people are the cream of the Party.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Hillary went out of her way to say that “we, like all nations, have more work to do to protect human rights at home,” so, you know, hooray for self-awareness.

    Ahem. NO FUCKING KIDDING. (Hear that, Michele "Everybody has equal rights, except not" Bachmann?)

    • Yes, some She1ey's have more rights than others and Bachmann's so crazy right she's loopey looped around and passed her left dozens of times.

  • V572 the Merciless

    Ha ha, remember when all the Repubs were appropriating "Born in the USA" as a nativist jingo hymn until they actually were told about the little thing called "irony"?

    Well, no danger of subtlety with Kid Rock.

    • With Kid Rock, a multiple assault arrestee, they are ironying their socks.

      • V572 the Merciless

        Oh they like violence just fine, although it’s better when the perpetrators wear matching suits and use expensive weapons.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    My crappy am radio made it sound like the song was "Porn Free," which is what I expect from all Mittens events.

  • You sure it's not pronounced "Oh? Sue? What, Me Worried?"

  • When did Kid Rock suddenly decide he wanted to be a dead lioness?

  • Chichikovovich

    Does this mean that Mitts is going to have sex with Pamela Anderson?

    • not that Dewey

      And Sheryl Crow.

      • Puffperney

        I'd rather eat a bug.

    • Tundra Grifter


      I saw a photo of Pam A. kissing Bob Barker and I don't see how anyone could get close enough to her to accomplish the dirty deed. She's got bigger airbags than a Cadillac Seville.

      • Chichikovovich

        Yeah. It's really deplorable how that happens. Anderson was the poster girl for Labatt's Blue (or was it Molson Ex?) before she got involved with playboy and so there are lots of pictures of her from those days. The transformation from healthy, pretty, vibrant, young woman to a crafted statue that seems somehow just a little off from human form. (Not her mind, I mean. I've no basis to judge that. just her appearance.)

        It's as if plastic surgeons have a "Madame Toussaud – ize" practice that turns healthy, vibrant young women into wax statues with movement. Another example is Callista Gingrich, though she got the process set on "Stepfordize" while Anderson got "plastic bimbo".

    • horsedreamer_1

      After he claims her in his marriage sack, yes.

  • Tundra Grifter


    Not "day" – December 7th is “A date which will live in infamy."

    I've had a few of those.

  • vulpes82

    Great speeches by both Barry and Hillz yesterday. I do have to complain, though, that some people seem to think that Hillary is just magically by herself championing international gay rights, while Barry is still a Corporatist Tool of Heterosexualist Patriarchy. She's part of HIS administration; she's doing nothing he didn't approve.

  • Puffperney

    True fact, Ossawatomie is the home of the Kansas State Mental Hospital, established in 1883. Having to "go to Ossawatomie" was used to suggest insanity when I grew up in Kansas.

    • proudgrampa

      I grew up in Overland Park, and I remember a teacher in my grade school being "sent to Ossawatomie."

      KS is also the home of a federal prison in Lawrence, as I recall. Crazies and criminals…

  • SayItWithWookies

    The only reason Mitt likes Kid Rock is that he thinks that's the name of the billygoat at the zoo.

  • Nopantsmcgee

    As a homosexual and a gentleman the speech Hopey gave pushed the meter to 10 for me, thank you.

  • BZ1

    Obama-Baldwin (the good one) 2012

  • ttommyunger

    "[READ MORE AT GIFZETTE.", Really? Read more? That article was longer than a whore's dream-and for what; and who is Kid Rock, also, too?

  • mavenmaven

    I think it would have been more appropriate had he given that campaign speech at the local university, Whatsamatta U.

  • Nostrildamus

    Born Free: an inspiring tale of a Mormon cub, raised in pampered surroundings – never needing to hunt for food – growing into a political lion, brave enough to stand up for himself on Fox News.

  • Antispandex

    Born free…if you aren't one of those people that his "church" has to vote into personhood…like women, dark skinned folk, people who do not believe what he does. Don't EVEN get him started on those Jews. It's OK though, the Mitts willl just baptize you when you're dead, so you can be free like him.

  • HolyCow!!

    This must be Hillary's attempt to make everyone forget how she and Bill threw all of us gays under the bus during Clinton administration–numerous times.

  • rocktonsam

    hey now, Kid Rock got to nail Pamela Anderson.

    How many dudes can say that?

    wait, oh, nevermind

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