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If you don’t hate Bank of America, you just haven’t ever dealt with Bank of America. Or perhaps you have never heard of banks at all? (Lucky you!) In any case, gazillionaire asshole Bryan Moynihan wants you to know that he also hates you for not loving his awesome bank:

CEO Bryan Moynihan says the public needs to start thinking before they criticize his company.

“I, like you, get a little incensed when you think about how much good all of you do, whether it’s volunteer hours, charitable giving we do, serving clients and customers well,” Moynihan said to employees in a global town hall meeting last week, Bloomberg reports. “You ought to think a little about that before you start yelling at us.”

Don’t forget to close down all your Bank of America accounts! [Bloomberg/HuffPo]

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  • Barb

    Q: How many Bank of America bankers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes (knowing that it’s already burned out).

    • My wife used to work for the BoA Light Bulb department. But they laid her off. So the new procedure is one person drops the bulb, then charges the customer a fee to change it.

    • OccupytheDashboard

      may I quote that?

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      None – they charge $5 for permitting you to do it yourself.

  • Um, you ought to think a little before you start yelling at us, douchebag. especially considering the $100+ billion we provided you so that your shareholders didn't have to lose a dime + your predecessor could get a huge bonus on his way out the door.

    And then you play the "charity" card? The only Charity this guy knows works the lunch shift at Scores.

    Now I'm incensed. fuck this guy with a remote controlled pink dildo.

    • yyyaz

      AND, because BM (how appropriate) is so special, let's use the commemorative, zircon-encrusted, deluxe diesel-powered, turbo pink dildo.

      • EatsBabyDingos

        Or, the Rick Perry Rusty Spur Dildo.

      • OccupytheDashboard

        I say go with the bunker buster predator dildo. It blows up just before he reaches the event horizon of climax.

      • Not_So_Much

        Anal pear for him.

    • Oblios_Cap

      Wasn't he the fellow that bitched because the bum didn't appreciate the $1 bill that he attempted give him?

      On second thought, that assclown wouldn't give more than a shiny new penny. If that.

    • I thought her name was Chasity [sic].

      • Callyson

        Since that man would inspire anyone to become chaste, I think you are correct.

    • Sybian Libel!

    • Negropolis

      And then you play the "charity" card? The only Charity this guy knows works the lunch shift at Scores.

      Oh boy, that was so much win, right there.

  • neiltheblaze

    Imagine his umbrage when people start setting BofA bank managers on fire for sport.

    • Oblios_Cap

      White guys dancin!

  • proudgrampa

    "serving clients and customers well"

    I believe that is what the bull does to the cow.

    • Beetagger

      well, medium well, or well done?

  • May Kortney bite his cucumber off!

    • I think she just swallows… like a snake.

  • GuanoFaucet

    Wow, his skin is so thin it's translucent.

  • DaRooster

    So… I can haz refi now?
    No?
    OK… fuck you too!

  • iburl

    If you need some more hate-fuel on the fire…
    BOA Doubles mortgage on vet's Habitat 4 Humanity home: http://bit.ly/mU6PMK

  • Oblios_Cap

    CEO Bryan Moynihan says the public needs to start thinking before they criticize his company.

    I have, and now I hate him, too.

    • Redhead

      Yeah, I'm REALLY not sure this man needs to be encouraging BofA customers/the general public to spend even more time contemplating on all the shit his bank has pulled.

  • "You have done enough. Have you no sense of decency sir, at long last? Have you left no sense of decency?"

  • GuanoFaucet

    You ought to think a little about that before you start yelling at us.

    **Thinks a little**

    Nope, I haven't changed my mind. You're still a whiny, amoral greed goblin.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I bought my house through my credit union, who promptly sold the note to Countywide, and a month later it went to Bank of America. I really haven't had any problems with them yet, but even paying an extra 200 bucks per month against the principal, I've got another 15 or 20 years to go, so I'm sure it will happen.

    • tessiee

      Fascinating.
      My mortgage also went from whoever I bought it from, to Countrywide, to BofA. Whenever I have any money left over from paying bills, I pay down the principal so I can get away from them as soon as possible.
      The bad thing is, although I've been doing this for almost the last 10 years, I still owe as much as I did when I started out.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Hey dumbass —

    As actual human beings, we understand the good our fellow humans/worker drones do in their community. Of course they do that on their own free time, and in spite of the shitty salary you pay them and the infinite number of little chiseling tweaks you impose on them to save your greedy ass money. And I'm sure they'll be thinking about all that volunteer time they put in after you lay off 30,000 of them and they're standing in a soup line that they used to be on the other side of.

    So here's the thing we mean when we say that BOA is a bunch of scamming greedheads — we're not complaining about the poor bastards who are in the same situation, more or less, that we are. We're bitching about you and your usurious, gaming-the-system, fuck-the-customers, fuck-the-workers, pay-for-play, I-got-mine bullshit. So put down the sanctimony, you little shit — it only makes you stink more.

    • jus_wonderin

      Yes! Mail this to the Contact Us.

    • YouBetcha

      I just came.

    • Nothingisamiss

      My hero.

  • RadioOcupados

    Reminds of another big fat pig named Til Hazel, who was the clown genius behind Tyson's Corner in Northern Virginia, along with other hyper-development projects. His epitome of arrogance statement was thus: "without developers you'd have no where to live."

    • TitsAkimbo

      I built my own house. So now I'm a developer and a job creator? Ain't I the shit!

    • gullywompr

      Ah, Tyson's Corner, the epitome of Edge Cities: no houses, no sidewalks, no parks – just malls, restaurants, office buildings and parking lots. And cars. Lots of cars.

      The future is here today!

  • Oblios_Cap

    I read the article. His employees do the good deeds and he's taking credit for it on behalf of the bank.

    He'll be one of the first ones up against the wall.

    • TitsAkimbo

      This is how they tried to get us to stop occupying Wall Street, too.

      • Banelm

        This had better be a long wall, for all the people that are going up against it. Where can we find a wall as long as… as long as a street perhaps??

  • littlebigdaddy

    Needz moar guillotines.

    • This comment should automatically be added to all threads from now on.

    • With these cats, just raise their taxes. Apparently that will kill them like sunlight on a vampire.

      • tessiee

        Upfisted solely for the use of the word "cats" to describe people.

  • SorosBot

    Poor Moynihan, getting feewings hurt; I feel almost as sorry for him as I did for Tony Hayward or Ken Lay.

    • fletc3her

      I would like to feel sorry for him going to jail.

      • SorosBot

        It would be nice; but sadly, he fucked us over in a way that, thanks to the repeal of the Glass-Steagall Act, are totally legal.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    After his outburst, Mr. Moneyham pulled another half dozen sheets of $100 bills off the toilet paper dispenser, wiped his ass, and refused to flush.

  • elviouslyqueer

    “I, like you, get a little incensed when you think about how much good all of you do, whether it’s volunteer hours, charitable giving we do, serving clients and customers well,” Moynihan said

    Awww, sounds like poor Bryan has his pink frilly panties bunched up a tad too tight. Bless his avaricious little black heart, or what's left of it.

    • OneYieldRegular

      "Bless his avaricious little black heart, or what's left of it."

      It's in the plaza in front of BofA headquarters in San Francisco:
      http://newswires-americas.com/tellittoal/2010/07/

      • BaldarTFlagass

        Actually, it reminds me more of my liver.

    • BadassKitty

      avaricious is my new favorite word.

  • I remember a few years ago, they were supposedly running a drive for toys for tots. They wanted me to buy an expensive teddy from them, and then they would donate, get this,the WRAPPING PAPER, so the kids could have a nice present.

    Charitable giving, my ass.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      "They wanted me to buy an expensive teddy from them"

      Did they want you to buy that teddy from Frederick's of Hollywood or Victoria's Secret? Either way, seems a little age-inappropriate.

  • edgydrifter

    Asshole doesn't think he's an asshole, says the real assholes are the ones calling him an asshole. It's meta-assery.

    • FNMA

      It's an asshole wrapped in an enigma, wrapped in a riddle and wrapped in another asshole.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        Like them nested Russian dolls?

      • lumpenprole

        Coming soon, the asshole singularity.

      • tessiee

        It's a mobius strip of asshole, or possibly a perfect storm of asshole.

    • It is pretty consistent with conservative "logic".

      See how often they whine about "race cards" when you point out one of them is racist for doing things like attending neo-nazi parades.

  • Lucidamente1

    "to serve clients and customers well": IT'S A COOKBOOK!!!!

    • TitsAkimbo

      Shoulda said "service", makes more sense.

    • I serve my clients and customers with fava beans and a nice chianti.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Well, obviously my hatred of Bank of America is not meant to be taken
    literally; it goes out to any bank or financial institution.

  • hagajim

    Dear Bryan Moynihan and BofA:

    Fuck off, you fucking fuckers!

  • magic_titty

    "I'm charging you monthly debit fees because I love you, you ungrateful pieces of shit!"

    ::runs away sobbing::

    • chicken_thief

      And slashing 30k jerbs. Cause, you know, $6B in profit just isn't what it used to be.

    • Not_So_Much

      I beat you out of love…you fucking parasites.

  • Also too: I have a friend who used to write code for them, and she and her fellow employees had to have a BOA account, or they could not have direct deposit, or cash their checks.

  • BlueStateLibel

    Wah wah wah, I'm a miserable, criminal overpaid banker scammer, be nice to me, wah wah wah

  • Guppy

    He just wants his life back.

  • HistoriCat

    Dear Bryan – as a former lowly bank employee, I would like to say go fuck yourself. The worker drones who actually have to take daily abuse from customers due to your shittiness at the same time they have to navigate the corporation's callous indifference to their actual well-being don't give a shit about you. They probably hate you more than your customers ever could.

  • fletc3her

    "Serving customers well"?! It's clear that Mr. Moynihan has never actually been in a Bank of America branch.

    Rich people, in case you didn't know, of course don't go to the same banks we do. They bank at The Private Bank and go to special branches which serve cappuccinos and blow jobs.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    More relevant to a few of the previous threads, but since I just received this video via e-mail, I wanted to share. Have you seen the Tug Toner?
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R2ewsEKVJVA&fe

  • OccupytheDashboard

    Fuck you and the gold bar you rode in on.

  • Guppy

    "I, like you, get a little incensed when you think about how much good all of you do, whether it’s volunteer hours, charitable giving we do,"

    Why is it always "Give back to the community?" Why not "Don't steal from the community to begin with?" "Stop foreclosing on and evicting the community?"

    "serving clients and customers well"

    Which clients and customers did he have in mind when he said that? Chase, Citi or Wells Fargo?

  • Papa_Uniform

    Keep digging Bryan. The hole's not deep enough yet.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    I haven't felt so sorry for someone since Mittens told us he was unemployed, too. Or was it when Rick Perry went peasant hunting last week?

  • elviouslyqueer

    I'm still not sure what BM is complaining about. It's not like banks want your money anyway.

  • Fauxhemian

    My contribution to OWS. Please pass it on. Thanks. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o0Kr1lHgggU

  • Not_So_Much

    Fuck Bryan Moynihan and the giant, whore diamond-encrusted, golden parachute he rode in on.

  • CapnFatback

    Moynihan is just paranoid. Probably because they're always after his Lucky Charms.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Banks are people, too, my friends. Really asshole-y ones.

  • Arken

    I did think. I thought about how they wanted to charge me $5 a month because this year they would only be making $1.8 bajillion dollars instead of $1.82 bajillion and then I closed my account.

    Assholes.

  • Today we are all Madame Defarge.

    Knit one, purl two, oops…dropped another stitch when the blade struck home.

    • Steverino247

      I hope you have more than that stupid accent, too.

  • Pragmatist2

    OK. I thought about that. NOW can I start yelling at you for being evil, greedy snakes with the moral standards of a dead snail?

    • real_dc_native

      Please, let's not insult the dead, or snails either. I believe that even snakes and snails have more compassion and empathy than bankers.

  • Sue4466

    I thought about it. More than a little. FUCK YOU BANK OF AMERICA! FUCK YOU ALL YOU GREEDY FUCKING GOBLINS! AND FOR THE RECORD, JUST BECAUSE SOME OF YOUR EMPLOYEES VOLUNTEER DOESN'T MEAN YOU DON'T SUCK. CAUSE YOU DO.

    Remember, I did think about it first.

  • OccupytheDashboard

    Same Douche: Different Day Dept:

    I don't remember his name, but some asshole back in 2002 or so said that if you don't watch the commercials when the tv is on, you're stealing the program.

    Do these fuckers even listen to what they with their own mouths?

  • James Michael Curley

    Time for a repost from a few weeks ago.

    Don't like BoA, or the attitude of banks in general? Do this.

    Go to their ATM machine with a debit card which is from an institution which is part of one of the ATM networks which they belong. Withdraw $100, $200 or so from the ATM. Go inside and ask them to exchange the $20 bills for $50 bills/ Often, as happened to me at BoA and a few other banks, they will ask you if you have an account and when I have said no they refused to exchange the money.

    They are, after all, a friggin' Federal Reserve Member Bank, and when instructed that they are, they will make a lame comment about 'We need the large bills for our regular clients.' Mumble something about money laundering and leave quietly.

    Now, go to https://www.federalreserveconsumerhelp.gov/compla… and file a complaint. In the past it generated an inquiry which brought a politely worded letter from the President of a smaller bank which assured me that they were apologetic, do wha, do wha, do wha and their tellers would be instructed to exchange my currency and they would advise their tellers of the proper bank policy.

    • real_dc_native

      I ran into this trying to get quarters for laundry. That was Sun Trust. They're all fuckers.

    • tessiee

      No offense, but that seems like an awful lot of effort to go to in order to end up with a form letter apology.
      Can't I just go pooh-pooh in one of the lobby plants or something?

      • James Michael Curley

        And give them free fertilizer?

  • Occupy V572

    Is there any topic George Carlin hasn't already nailed?

    As the Vanity Fair article about Elizabeth Warren points out, if you ask the bankers why they almost ruined the world's economy and now demand respect, the answer you get is, "Shit happens."

    I'm on some telephone list of "people with a few $$ to invest." (I constantly try to get on the "you will get abuse if you call Occupy V572" list, but haven't made it yet.) What is freaking astonishing is that Merrill Lynch, a stock-brokerage so corrupt and dishonest that it went broke and is now a jewel in BOA's crown, calls me again and again to see if I want to trust them with my money. How can a person go to work every day knowing he's going to have to spend 8 hours lying to people?

    • yyyaz

      Madoff: "The munniez."

      Shrub: "Lies, truth? who cares as long as I get to preen my dick in front of all my rich buddies."

      Ailes: "They ("us") need/deserve/would love fascism if they only gave it a chance."

      St. Ronnie the Senile: "Where's my football, mommy?"

  • First we forced the poor B of A to take zillions in bailout funds so they could stay in business.

    Then we didn't kiss the ass of B of A with sufficient zeal.

    No wonder the poor boy is upset.

  • Shame on me.

  • x111e7thst

    Shorter Moynihan: " If it wasn't for all the bankers snorting coke off of underage whores there would be far less work for underage whores. It's called trickle down.."

  • Wasn't there a Bank of America branch in Florida that was foreclosed on because they refused to pay courted ordered legal fees for a couple that they tried to foreclose on who had NO MORTGAGE let alone one with Bank of America?

    Yup. That is why we hate you.

      • tessiee

        "a couple that they tried to foreclose on who had NO MORTGAGE let alone one with Bank of America"

        It makes me wonder if they'd succeeded in doing this on other occasions that we just don't know about.

  • Beowoof

    Fuck this guy and his crappy bank.

  • ingloriousbytch

    Come on out to Zuccotti Park and say that, you whiny little pussy.

  • fuflans

    and on cue, the cbo announces the top 1% are in fact obscenely richer than the rest of us and getting obscenely more so.

  • One of the strangest aspects of the Bank of America saga is that they might well have been able to continue doing business (raping customers) as usual if they hadn't been the dumbest bankers since the invention of double entry bookkeeping.

    B of A bought barely solvent and about to implode predatory mortgage lender Countrywide in 2008. That would be on a par with investing in long term bonds issued by the Confederate States of Amerikkka in 1865.

    B of A really is run by idiots–evil, money grubbing rapacious idiots but idiots all the same.

    • Yeah, joke is on me there as they have the mortgage to my old house as a result of that. Hopefully, I can get that sold off and be done dealing with that terrible, terrible entity.

  • Callyson

    serving clients and customers well
    HAHAHAHAHA…years before OWS and the economic implosion of 2008, I got my money the hell out of Skank of America because they kept screwing up my account. Stop feeling sorry for yourself, numbnuts, and start actually serving the needs of Main Street if you want us to have an ounce of respect for you…

  • Allmighty_Manos

    “I, like you, get a little incensed when you think about how much good all of you do, whether it’s volunteer hours, charitable giving we do, serving clients and customers well,” Moynihan said to employees in a global town hall meeting last week, Bloomberg reports. “You ought to think a little about that before you start yelling at us.”

    Hey that is exactly what my neighbor told me before he pissed on my carpet, shot my dog and stomped all over my rose bush.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      "Remember when I lent you my extension ladder last summer?"

  • Tommmcattt

    I, like you, get a little incensed when you think about how much good all of you do, whether it’s volunteer hours, charitable giving we do, serving clients and customers well…

    Listen, you pig urethra, let's do a little math:

    1. Take the total number of park cleanup and highway maintenance hours you con your serfs into performing so you all look good in the annual report. Call that "x".

    2. Make the value of "x" equal the 12.8 Trillion in cash (and the misery that disruption in capital caused) that it took to bail you and the other fat boys out after you screwed us all greaseless.

    3. Now take the average hours spent by middle-class and poor people, employed and unemployed, who give to communities, churches, and other groups in need for the sole reason of helping another human being out, even if they don't have too much in the way of money or possessions to share themselves. Call that value y.

    4. Now divide y by x. Call that value "A", for "Asshole".

    5. A = The net value of your worth as a human being

    You're welcome.

  • Steverino247

    Isn't BofA the bank used by the Vatican to launder money and stash hush money for their cadre of hard core child molesters?

    I've hated them since the Second Grade, so I think that tops the list so far. Can anybody beat 1960?

  • OccupyFnChicken

    My bank credit card says "Pay your goddamn bill." It takes months, but I slowly get it down and pay it off, and now they're mad because I stopped payin'em?

  • lochnessmonster

    I love the commercials that tout how much they do for the communities they are in and all the sports teams they support…

  • Antispandex

    After mom died it took us a little while to straighten out everything. She had a Bank Of America account because, "it's the bank of AMERICA, where else would my money be safer?". By the time we cancled it, they had stolen…I mean used, most of her small checking account balance to pay various "fees". Do they really expcet me to believe that Jesus doesn't hate them?

  • fuflans

    Bryan Moynihan should remember peasants can get really ugly when they get pissed.

    pace gaddafi's last – apparently VERY unpleasant – few minutes.

  • I, like you, get a little incensed at fuckfaces.

  • ttommyunger

    Bryan, I don't just hate your evil Bank; I hate you too!

  • Negropolis

    I get so very tired of corporations crowing about their bullshit "charity". Let's be blunt, Americans are so giving because we've strangled the public sector to the degree where basic local and state government doesn't do much anymore. America gives because we have to. We give in lieu of the proper funding of government.

    Whenever you hear someone talk about this "giving nation" you relay that to them. It's really a sham what we get away with calling "charity." I most other developed nations with fairer taxation thus a better distribution of wealth "charity" is just simply basic and adequate levels of government.

    • tessiee

      "Americans are so giving because we've strangled the public sector to the degree where basic local and state government doesn't do much anymore. America gives because we have to. We give in lieu of the proper funding of government."

      Thank you!
      I've always had mixed feelings about charity, and thought it was just because I was a whiny little shit. Now I know that, although I actually *am* a whiny little shit, I have mixed feelings about charity for the reasons you so eloquently express here.

      • Negropolis

        I just get mad particularly at self-satisfied conservatives that always point to our "giving heart". They absolve themselves of feeling guilty about the state of this nation. They crow about what they give until the cows come home, but they never address why we give in the first place. They never allow their brains to ask the question of why we need so many soup kitchens, thrift stores, hospital fundraisers, foodbanks, and the list goes ont, to begin with. If they'd actually fund government, the giving that would be left would be genuinne charity.

  • Sounds like every PFA-adjudicated prick I ever heard wondering desperately why SHE WON'T LOVE HIM. Probably makes him mad enough to punch someone's lights out.

  • dennis1943

    I'm beyond yelling…………more like a set-jaw teeth baring low-frequency seeth………..

  • tessiee

    What, this pompous, full of himself bastard isn't satisfied with ass-raping everybody in America who isn't a billionaire? He wants us to moan, too?

  • tessiee

    "CEO Bryan Moynihan says the public needs to start thinking before they criticize his company"

    You know, guys, a short while back, there was an article on "huffington post" about foreclosures. The bank was throwing an elderly white-haired man out of his foreclosed home. He was going out the front door, into the snow, with his walker. If I'd seen it in a movie or read it in a book, I would have thought it was such over-the-top melodrama as to be completely lacking in believability.

    So, yes, it's true that they throw disabled elderly people literally out into the snow. But apparently the *real* problem is that I need to start thinking.

  • Indiepalin

    He won't be so smug when he sees that $5 debit card charge in his next bill!

  • DahBoner

    I gotcha volunteer work right here, pal….

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