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Rick Scott is the one in the black dress and wig.The whiny lizards running the state of Florida are expected to start shit by declaring their GOP primary date January 31st, a week before the scheduled Feb. 6 date of the holy Iowa caucuses and well ahead of the other three sacred starter contests in New Hampshire, Nevada and South Carolina. Therefore, everyone panic. Look, Florida, how many times do we have to explain it to you: there are four first nominating contests just like there are four books in the Gospels, and they go at the beginning of the New Testament. THAT IS THE RULE. You want to rearrange those, too, you filthy swamp monsters? 

Think of it this way: Florida is just throwing the first pie at their crabby Pope (the RNC leadership), which means THOUSANDS MORE PIES MUST BE THROWN, because that is how these things work.

From CNN:

Florida’s likely decision is expected to trigger a flood of calendar moves as other states look to shore up their relevance in the presidential nominating process.

Iowa, New Hampshire, Nevada and South Carolina are almost certain to move up in order to defend their cherished early voting status.

“If Florida decides to go in January, they blow the RNC planned calendar wide open and we’ll be back to campaigning over the holidays as Iowa and New Hampshire hold their presidential caucus and primary in early January,” said Michigan National Committee member Saul Anuzis, who is on the RNC’s presidential nominating schedule committee.

RNC Chair Reince Priebus is begging Florida to just go away, which of course it cannot because, hello, Florida here, and even if it meant cancelling the Old Testament to move up the dates of the Gospels so it could go earlier, they would do that. How much does the RNC love Rick Scott right now? [CNN]

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  • Barb

    What do you expect from the old people of Florida, who eat dinner at 2:00 and go to bed while the sun is still up. They like to do things early.

    • Arken

      Plus, they're really old. Many of them could be dead by election day. This is out of necessity.

      • yrbmegr

        Why do dead people get to vote in Republican elections? VOTER FRUAD!

  • Steverino247

    After the 2000 mess, Florida should just sink and never vote again.

  • Bonzos_Bed_Time

    Your move, Arizona.

    • Not_So_Much

      Florida is shaped like a cock. Can we just break it off and hate-fuck TX and AZ with it?

      • Graham Cracker

        Just be careful that you don't spill anything on New Mexico!

        • chicken_thief

          The Santorum can be wiped off on Bristol's baby house.

      • Aw, OK will feel left out.

        • Terry

          They've got a deep rooted sense of inferiority. That panhandle is substantially smaller than Florida's peninsula.

      • yrbmegr

        Texas is sort of orifice-shaped (orificial – is that a word?). It looks like if you twist it, it gets smaller or larger, depending on the way you twist it.

    • Jukesgrrl

      Actually, Florida is only copying Arizona which made its move last month. Jan Brewer threatened a January primary ages ago. In a negotiation with Prince Rancid of Preebus, she was awarded a Republican debate in Phoenix.

      • How great is: "Prince Rancid of Preebus!?"

        Prince Rancid is a great punk band name!

        • Jukesgrrl

          Good idea. I certify you to use it. But always remember, Don't Go Down in the Basement.

      • tcaalaw

        Thanks for reminding people. I complained about the lack of a Wonkette post at the time Brewer made the move, but it fell of deaf ears.

        • Jukesgrrl

          I guess they're bored with AZ shenanigans. Some of them having been so much worse.

  • OC_Surf_Serf

    Reince Priebus…

    His mother named him after the first few lines on an eye chart…

    • Sparky_McGruff

      I always thought it sounded like a car. Which makes sense, because plenty of young boys have lost their virginity in the back of Reince Priebus.

      • chicken_thief

        Some girls, too.

    • Barrelhse

      Rinse Prepuce.

    • Two weeks of antibiotics cleared my reince priebus right up.

    • Hagar7

      That's not a name, it's just one giant fucking typo.

    • Beowoof

      I thought it was a Toyota Prius and she couldn't spell.

    • E
      priebus
      u n u m

    • James Michael Curley

      Before Vana White turns over all the vowels it spells RNC PR BS.

      • ShaveTheWhales

        Very nice.

    • yrbmegr

      If you take the "c" and move it to Priebus, you get Reine Precibus, which in French/Latin, means "queen prayer". Perhaps his mom was having delusions of grandeur?

    • PalinzADummy

      I always thought it was Rinse Prepuce.

  • 738838

    My primary is in my trousers.

    • Nostrildamus

      When will the polls be out?

      • emmelemm

        Don't you mean poles?

    • Sparky_McGruff

      Is that a hanging chad, or do you need to see a doctor?

    • yrbmegr

      Once every four years.

      • 738838

        Oh, snap! I am in for the local and state elections too.

  • littlebigdaddy

    Foreclosed real estate, Burmese pythons in the swamps, and angry baggers. I am thinking we give the place to Cuba.

    • mull_man

      Or Iran – it's only 90 miles from Florida.

    • PsycWench

      Hell, give it to the baggers and let them make a little dictatorship monarchy democratic republic out of it. Like the Democratic Republic of Korea but with fatter people.

    • And "The Villages," don't forget "The Villages!"

      Even though dear ol' Mom lives there, (I call it Glennbeckistan), it's a terrible place.
      Imagine clueless nutbags in golf carts, and you've got it!

    • Barrelhse

      But…we need all that oil in the Everglades!

      • flamingpdog

        And all that lard in Miami.

    • Beowoof

      I was going to retire there. However, Rick Scott's election pretty much killed that thought. Which reminds me I have to close my bank accounts at the UCF Credit Union.

    • mourningnmerica

      Cuba won't take 'em. Can you see the lines at the hospitals? Cuba would actually move down below the USA in healthcare if the had that many old timers.

      • DashboardBuddha

        Not so much that they're old timers…but fat, gluttonous old timers.

    • schvitzatura

      Except for Celebration, FL; it will be the Berlin for teatards and we will airlift cheese doodles and extra batteries for their Rascals, the poor souls.

    • Terry

      Haven't Cubans run south Florida since the 50's anyway?

  • Blueb4sunrise

    Alas, a certain other party went through this if I recall correctly.

    Let me re-phrase that………Do you know who else …….?

    • Doktor Zoom

      Awesome PUMA POWAH! I am disrespectful to the Kenyan Usurper!

      • Blueb4sunrise

        Memoreeeeeeeeeeees…….

    • BerkeleyBear

      Well, the DNC had the Florida crap/date swap forced on them, as I recall (which was why the Florida Dems claimed they shouldn't lose all their delegates), whereas now this is Republicans doing it to themselves.

      This whole thing is freaking hilarious. Next up, all the states that refuse to use apportioned delegations instead of winner take all in the early going, to try and make their races even more important to candidates.

    • yrbmegr

      Lemme see, would that be…. I know! The Constitution Party! Where do I pick up my prize?

  • edgydrifter

    Rick Perry will announce that Texas has moved it's primary to three weeks ago. Turns out Rick Perry won by a landslide with 100% of his own vote.

    • Sparky_McGruff

      With his recent debate performances, I think Ricky might be capable of screwing it up. Somehow, I suspect the winner, with 100% of the vote, would be "MIT ROMMEY IS A FAG!!!!!"

  • riffin1

    Pure genius. New Hampshire has a law where their primary gets moved to a week before anyone elses, automatically. If Florida would do that too the GOP would explode.

  • AlterNewt

    Oh, hell with it. Continuous, rotating, bi-monthly primaries .

    Besides, it would be good for the economy.

  • Tundra Grifter

    In a few years all the primaries will be in January and then the presidential campaigns will be completely out of hand.

    Let's get public funding for campaigns, which means free tv time on the airwaves owned by the public, short Presidential campaigns, and some sanity in the process.

    • Better yet, pitch the Presidency and go for a constitutional monarchy with a parliament. Snap elections, 6-week campaigns, no bullshit. I nominate our VP to be our first King – Joey Biden the First.

      • chicken_thief

        I'm pretty sure the Founding Fathers thought of that, but George Washington didn't wanna be the first Queen and no amount of arm twisting from Jeebus could change his mind.

    • Banelm

      No no no. This is about States Rights! Besides, soon enough the primaries will start before the previous election has ended, and we'll be in one continuous loop in which all the money goes to media companies. Then we can all work in advertising!

      • bagofmice

        True.

    • Oh Tundra, you sweet thing. Do you need a hug?

      (Sanity? In this process? Ha, ha, ha!)

    • mourningnmerica

      Happy birthday. Only one day old, and already you are posting.

    • hagajim

      There you go, talking complete nonsense again!

  • owhatever

    To settle the matter, the RNC has ruled that all forty-nine states should move their Republican primaries to January second, in alphabetical order, according to time zones, with the short states at the front and the tall ones at the back. Otherwise: Chaos.

    • Graham Cracker

      They could vote in order of intelligence. That might prove interesting.

      • PsycWench

        or confusing.

    • PsycWench

      I was thinking maybe the January between the presidential election and the inauguration. Let's get to these things early.

  • Goonemeritus

    This would be a huge distortion in electrical politics. We are conditioned to have every political hopeful pledging to get behind whatever harebrained scheme for corn use Iowa can pull out of their collective ass.

    • littlebigdaddy

      Like Cornhole (the game, not the sexual and/or hygienic practice)?

  • Callyson

    Are we sure the press corps is not behind this? Maybe they want to stay out of snowy Iowa and New Hampshire…

    • tihond

      I like to think that political reporters are a little tougher than Peter "I can't believe I might have to report on a snowy super bowl" King.

      • Beowoof

        No, I am pretty sure they're not. And what's with Peter King bitching about Dunkin Donuts coffee? What a pussy.

  • Callyson

    From CNN, your LOL moment of the day…
    South Carolina GOP Chairman Chad Connelly said the Republican Party respects "the rule of law"
    Thanks for the howler, Mr Connelly–I needed that…

    • Sparky_McGruff

      Unfortunately, the "laws" they respect were overturned by the thirteenth and fourteenth amendments, and the civil rights act.

    • Beowoof

      Well they do like the law when its executing brown people and sending them back to Mexico. So he does have a point. Rights from the constitution they profess to love so, not so much.

  • My sister, of all people, had a good idea for primaries. The state with the highest percentage voter turnout in the last election goes first, then the next highest, etc. That would place Minnesota first, then Wisconsin, New Hampshire, Maine. Coming in last would be Arizona, Utah and Texas. And last, but least: West Virginia.

    • That might be the best idea your sister ever had.

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      I've posted this before, so I'll post it again. My idea has always been to go by population, with the four smallest states the first week, starting around February, and the then the next four, and so on for the first 10 weeks (mid-April), after which you would spend the April to the beginning of May doing 10-5 in pairs each week, with the top four (Texas, FLA, NY and CA) going last. If you are dead set on keeping Iowa and New Hampshire first and second, move them up to the last two weeks in January.

      With this system, small candidates could get their start in small media buy states where personal campaigning would pay off. You would allow for momentum to build, since you wouldn't have to jump into large states/super Tuesday situations immediately, and it would give a chance for regional candidates to show their strengths. Plus, since it would be a fairer and more democratic system, with the delegates building, the later big states would be as important as the early small states (Someone who knows game theory can check me on that, but it would seem to be true).

      • Lionel[redacted]Esq

        It might not be perfect, but it would be a much better system than we have now, which counts on early momentum and then knock outs in the mass primaries in late February/Early March. Plus, it would get rid of this boring game of moving up everything until we are selecting nominees three years before the election. And it would help get rid of the power some states (Iowa, NH, South Carolina, and Florida, just to name a few), have over the whole process.

      • chicken_thief

        How much of a person do the culludz count in your system?

      • Nothingisamiss

        When you say that this would be a "fairer and more democratic system" you kinda lost me. What does that have to do with voting in America?

        • not that Dewey

          All I know is that my cat is winning his kittenwar election with 17% of the vote, which sounds about right. USA!

        • Lionel[redacted]Esq

          That is why it will never be adopted.

    • Nixon_So_Fine

      I can't believe your sister, of all people, came up with that idea. I never thought of her being that smart.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        I never got past her wandering eye. And she really should do something about the facial hair.

        • chicken_thief

          I believe you have her upside down…

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Hahahahaha.

      You are all fine and thoughtful people, but STATES RIGHTS !!!9!!11!!!

    • A good idea is a good idea

    • rambone

      Word to your mother . . .

      • Nixon_So_Fine

        werd!

  • America's Wang is getting all uppity now?

    Who let it into the Viagra stash?
    ~

    • tihond

      Rick Scott's insurance company needs to make money somehow.

  • OC_Surf_Serf

    Crabby Pope

    Think I caught that in eastern Europe back in the 80's…took months to heal.

    • EatsBabyDingos

      It's not two scoops of Pope, some backfin crab, and cheap cheese baked at 350 for ten minutes?

  • emmelemm

    That's really not a bad idea.

  • tihond

    This is great news! For Herman Cain!

    • chicken_thief

      Pizza on the house!!!

      • Beowoof

        Um Godfather's Pizza, no thanks.

      • flamingpdog

        Pizza with a mouse!!!

  • NPRadiotherapy®

    Florida doesn't give a shit.

    • Nostrildamus

      Honey, don't badger them.

    • Ah, the Honey Badger State.

      • Negropolis

        Wisconsin Libel, yo!

    • prommie

      Florida is A BADASS

  • BaldarTFlagass

    They should all continue to move their primaries further and further back, until their primaries all happened last month. Then we could completely forgo this whole farce.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      I'm writing letters to my state legislators to keep our state's primary in April, but make it for the 2016 elections.

      That'll show all those other bastards.

  • ttommyunger

    So, America's flaccid member wants to get to the front of this particular train the Republicans want to pull on its citizenry. I say let the old folks go first, they haven't got much time anyway, you know.

    • NPRadiotherapy®

      That reminds me of the old Matt Groenig cartoon: Hey Europe suck my Florida.

      • ttommyunger

        Maybe the French would go for that. The Greeks would have a different idea.

        • bagofmice

          At least it would be well oiled

          • ttommyunger

            One would hope!

          • flamingpdog

            I think the Greeks would be happier being pleasured by New Zealand.

            How do you separate the Greek men from the Greek boys?

            With a crowbar!

    • James Michael Curley

      I always wondered, if you send in your vote by mail ballot and die walking back from the mail box, does your vote count. Or is that only so in NJ?

      • ttommyunger

        Counts in Illinois, fer sure, unless the Postal Service dies first.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    "WWRRMCD:" What Would Ronald Reagan's Moldy Corpse Do?

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      Moulder?

      Sorry, wasn't sure if the question was rhetorical or not.

      • flamingpdog

        Fox Moulder?

    • SudsMcKenzie

      Say "There you go again Florida"?

    • emmelemm

      Pound on the lid of his coffin?

    • chicken_thief

      It wouldn't remember that he's dead.

    • NPRadiotherapy®

      Sell a ton of cheap "Made in China" WWRRMCD bracelets.

    • mumbly_joe

      Hitler! …'s moldy corpse. At least, that's what happens in the historical zombie paranormal romance fanfic I wrote.

  • AnAmericanInTO

    C'mon Florida, give New Hampshire a break! This stupid primary is all they have.

    That and tax-free liquor outlets conveniently placed right over the Maine and Massachusetts borders. Open Sundays!

    • HobbesEvilTwin

      you forgot the fireworks!

      I've lived and worked in all three states that border NH and I have to say, from nearly every perspective imaginable, they are a shitty neighbor.

      • AnAmericanInTO

        I debated whether to include the fireworks (Live Free without Fingers or Die!) or not.

        I'm all too familiar with NH (Maine native) and it's like militia country. Everyone I know who lives there thinks 16,000 residents equals the Big City and moves even farther into the backwoods. My uncle doesn't have a neighbor for miles and my in laws flip out everytime they have to take the turnpike out of state.

        • BaldarTFlagass

          So, like Kentucky but colder and with non-rhotic accents?

    • mumbly_joe

      Ha, New Hampshire is totally the Delaware of New England.

      I have fond memories of those liquor runs, to the very first exit off the freeway past the Delaware border. Oh, Total Wine, you were indeed my truest friend, back in those days.

    • DashboardBuddha

      Mock not my houses of worship! From where I sit, I have 3 NHSLS within 10 minutes. Just knowing I'm only 10 minutes away from scotch provides more comfort than any priest I knew.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    “If Florida decides to go in January, they blow the RNC"

    OK, I'm listening, but it'll take more than a blow to join the GOP.

  • orygoon

    I for one am in favor of a challenge to our Iowa overlords, but not necessarily by the Alligator People.

  • Tommmcattt

    $10 says they settle this with semi-automatic weapons.

    • yrbmegr

      Now that would be good for the country, don't you think?

  • Uniprober

    The Yid Peninsula pushes to the front of the slop chute.

  • hebmskebm

    Remind me again why we give so much power to dipshit states like Iowa and New Hampshire to determine who the leader of the free world will be? I'd love it if every state held their primaries on the same day, then when there no clear leader, watched their delegates beat the shit out of one another at the convention a few months later.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Hasn't it been long established that anything having to do with elections and Florida is bad for the country?

    Why does Florida hate the United States?

  • hebmskebm

    Remind me again why we give so much power to dipshit states like Iowa and New Hampshire to determine who the leader of the free world will be? I'd love it if every state held their primaries on the same day

  • Nostrildamus

    All GOP primaries should be moved back to January 1985. It was morning in America and the Gipper could decide the winners.

  • JackObin

    I have a simple solution for the GOP simpletons. Why not have their lord and savior Jesus Christ sort out the mess? Are you there in heaven JC……..Jesus, are you there? Nope, no Jesus. Guns it is.

  • In their wemakethisshitupaswego primary machine, do the Rs have a Reince cycle? Likely it will start on Wednesday November 7, 2012, the day after Barry & Biden bury the Ron Paul / Nikki Haley dream ticket. That's when they'll Reince their Priebuses down the drain.

    • yrbmegr

      There are simply those times when one has to reince his priebus, you know?

  • OC_Surf_Serf

    His mother was drinking either Ballantine Ale, Ballantine, Falstaff, Haffenreffer, Kassel, Lone Star, Lucky Lager, Narragansett, Pearl, Rainier Ale, Regal, and/or Texas Pride…

    The fact they were called "Crown Ticklers" is a thesis in itself…

    • Ballantine quarts with the puzzle on the cap
      Couldn't help to notice I was caught in a speed trap

  • Doktor Zoom

    This is great news for the Palm Beach chapter of Jews for Buchanan.

    • Nostrildamus

      That … was beautiful!
      (sniff, sniff)

  • fuflans

    well this should be fun.

    remember back in '08 when the dnc punished a bunch of states for this and then hillz and the whinging pantsuits blew a gasket and it was all bowser's fault somehow?

    good times.

  • fuflans

    they blow the RNC

    did cnn say this on purpose?

    • chicken_thief

      Anderson Cooper giggled and blushed. Just a little.

    • flamingpdog

      It's Florida – they might have said it on porpoise.

  • Are you serious, Reepubs? If the issue is "who gets the most influence" on whatever outcome is at stake — y'all are behaving as if any of these candidates holds presidential promise, or is consistently agreed upon or something.

  • Ugh, this fucking state. Here in the western panhandle, unless you're black, "progressive" means you smoke weed and support Ron Paul.

    And now the Florida Election Thieves™ want to have an Early Bird Special for primary voting. So that Florida can have enough influence in national politics, you know.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      "Here in the western panhandle"

      Isn't that also called South Alabama?

      • Lower Alabama, the Redneck Riviera, Satan's Urinal, The Crappalachian Trail….

        • ShaveTheWhales

          Apparently, I've had you geographically misplaced. FWB, Panama City, Florala?

          • Greater Metropolitan Pensacola. Home of the Blue Angels and Joe Scarborough. The birthplace of naval aviation. Gateway to Chumuckla. Hotbed of fervent fundamentalism. Envy of nearby Alabama and Mississippi.

            Where you at, Whales?

          • ShaveTheWhales

            These days, I inhabit Groveland, CA, Wide Spot in the Road Gateway to Yosemite.

            Actually, it's not bad. There are probably 4 or 5K permanent residents in the total area, and another couple K during the summer. Most of the vacationers, and the retiree cohort of the permanents, are from the Bay Area, so the sociopolitical ambiance is more like San Jose than like Central Valley. There are a certain number of would-be rednecks, but most of them have never met anyone like the folks who live thirty or forty miles inland from you. (As I recall).

  • AJWjr.

    This state's rights shit is really getting outta hand.

  • Suggestion: cancel the whole thing and save a lot of money for everyone all around. None of these lamebrains are going to beat Obama – as pathetic as much of his performance has been.

  • BarackMyWorld

    So the politicians in Florida actually think people WANT to be subjected to extra early campaigning and an intense bombardment of negative attack ads on tv? Go for it, you numbskulls.

    • chicken_thief

      I, for one, am anxious for the real side show to start. I'm set for popcorn, but will likely have to make a beer run or a couple dozen before then. Bring on the batshit crazy!!!

    • PsycWench

      You know, I was thinking much the same thing. Every election season you hear people in Iowa and New Hampshire complaining about being endlessly pestered by phone calls and how they pretty much quit caring who wins, they just want it to be over. Are that many people in Florida whose kids never call?

  • Veritas78

    I've waited a long time to say it: "This is good news for Barack Obama."

  • Mort_Sinclair

    Clearly Florida won't go for Magic Underwear Willard; they'll go for batshit Perry in a New York minute. Fine with me. The quicker we bury Willard under mounds of Seamus shit, the better off we'll be.

    • Yeah I'm looking forward to seeing Mittens kick it up a notch once he's running from behind, as it were…

    • tcaalaw

      Actually, I think the limited polling that's been done so far suggests that Romney beats Perry in Florida.

  • Wonkette metaphor: THOUSANDS MORE PIES MUST BE THROWN

    CNN metaphor: expected to trigger a flood

    KBJ wins by one thousand style points.

  • x111e7thst

    When your state is the nation's limp dick you do what you can to get a little action.

    • Barrelhse

      Send in Lorena Bobbitt.

  • HobbesEvilTwin

    I hereby declare that the primary vote in HobbesEvilTwinachusetts will take place precisely 24 hours before whenever Florida holds its primary. Take that bitches.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    It's a bit like letting your 3-year-old have the first shot at the county fair ring-toss.

    Let 'em go first, say "That's cute," and move on to the serious states.

  • Um…sorry to be OT but the comments area regarding the NPR Wall St. Protests whiteout contains this announcement: "Commenting Disabled
    Further commenting on this page has been disabled by the blog admin."

    WTF?

    • fletc3her

      I was going to comment about how that post has so few comments compared to the rest…

    • Nobody knows – this has been raised in almost every thread since. Go ahead and put your NPR snark anywhere else though – they don't seem to care about that. Also NPR in the meantime has been half-assedly covering the protest.

      • Haha NPR=Ken Layne's minions.

  • Fawkdifiknow

    Has anyone already noticed that this is good news for the Mc Cain campaign?

  • AJWjr.

    This will fuck up NV's chance at relevance, since we'd have to call a special session of the leg to move ours ahead of FL. But we're just desperate enough to do it!

    • Barrelhse

      You've got Sharron Angle, for christsake. How much more relevant do you need to be?

  • Gorillionaire

    In Rick Scott's ape brain it goes like this:
    1. Move primary
    2. ?
    3. Profit!

    • NPRadiotherapy®

      4. Medicare fraud
      5. Lawyer up and pay token fine
      6. Teabagger darling
      7. Rinse, lather, repeat

      • L188188

        8. Find pants.

  • Rotundo_

    Rancid Pubis oops, Reince Priebus will have to dispatch the special "discussion" folks from the RNC to have a little chat with Ricky. I'll bet the mere mention of primary challenge will make him reconsider. Then again, like all of the latest crop of GOP governors he may be stupid enough to believe he is invincible. This will be entertaining, get the popcorn popping kids.

    • Speaking of Priebus, the new ad is waaaaaay creepy.

      (A butt for a nose? Really?)

  • It's just like Xmas. The Crazy season gets earlier and earlier every year.

    • poncho_pilot

      Does this mean The Falafel King will be on about our War Against Crazy? It is almost that time of the year, too. God goes in, Jesus comes out. Never a miscommunication (except for Mary trying to explain that one to her parents.)

    • So perfect. That was the analogy I'd been unable to summon up — wishing many thumbs… in your stocking this season!

  • philpjfry

    Maybe Iowa can go back in time and vote last year.

    • Nostrildamus

      Iowa's already there.

  • fletc3her

    Yeah, well, guess what? Here in Washington we already had our republican primary, before anyone even thought about having one and Obama won because no republicans knew about it to vote. Take that.

  • chicken_thief

    This is bad news for One L Michele.

  • chascates

    If Florida takes the place of Iowa will government start sucking up to orange growers instead of corn farmers?

    • ApplesauceRobot

      Orangenol subsidies.

      Upside: your car will never have scurvy again.
      Downside: a glass of juice at Waffle House will set you back $8.99.

    • schvitzatura

      That, or the python leather lobby…

  • Hagar7

    The best way I can think of for Florida to be relevant is to volunteer to be sold back to Spain to try to clear some of our debt. Or exchanged for a shit-ton of sangria; either way it's a win for America.

  • I just… the religious analogy Kirsten is trying to draw here… it just doesn't work and makes no sense. (4 things and 4 other things are automatically analogous?)

    It's simply not funny.

    • Exegesis, baby. Interpretive theory where you can make anything anything! 5 is sacred because the first 5 commandments are about our relations to God, and the 2nd 5 are about our relations with each other! See! Best parlor game evah!

  • BZ1

    Florida, Nevada in a death match, with Skeletor and Ms Sleletor, going toe-to-toe …

  • I say we start with Georgia, quickly followed by Belarus.

  • Sassomatic

    If Iowa is gonna take Florida's sloppy seconds, I hope it uses a rubber.

  • Jukesgrrl

    Does Florida plan to drug test all the candidates?

    • zhubajie

      That might be fun! Make them all pee in the cup at some embarrassing gathering!

  • Nice to see Florida getting proactive and fucking everything up earlier than they normally do.

  • iburl

    How dare Florida cross Iowa. Don't they know how boring that is?

  • El Pinche

    OT beyond your wildest dreams, but OOOOPSIE!, we're so sorry about our Nazi parade! And I was thinking about dressing my mini Jack Russell as lil Hitley for halloween.

    • Mahousu

      My guess is that the school was founded by German missionaries long ago, so when they decided to have a parade to honor their founders, they Googled "German outfits" and came up with this.

      All except for the woman in the last picture – she must have chosen some character from a Grimm's fairy tale. Though that witch costume is pretty sweet.

    • DashboardBuddha

      O_o

  • Negropolis

    We (Michigan) tried this with Florida last go around, and it was no fun. The presidential candidates boycotted a stated that needed some serious attention given to its issues. Still, I support these moves. In fact, on a serious note, I think the state Democratic and Republican parties in states usually ignored should formally pull out of the national party and create state or regional parties to make the national party more responsive. To hold majorities in Congress, they'd have to court us or risk us caucusing with the other major party, or not caucusing at all.

    So, yeah, to hell with Iowa and New Hampshire, and to hell with state-wide caucuses.

  • relevance in the presidential nominating process
    As if.

  • Tony Baloney!
    Made of macoroni!
    Riding on a pony!
    HAHAHA!

  • grex1949

    This is going to put pressure on the snowbilly to toss her mystery-dead-animal hat into the ring post-haste. She's already missed out on, what, 40 or so debates, the Iowa Straw Sale, the Florida Pole, and many other God-given opportunities to strut her stuff. The Republican Party needz moar Sarah! Now! Run, Sarah, Run!

  • LiveToServeYa

    Sorry, Florida, you can vote as fast and hard and often as you want, but you're still stuck with the same gonzo choices.

  • yrbmegr

    Have they scheduled their 2016 primary yet?

  • johnnymeatworth

    The Oceania primary always comes before the Eastasia primary.

  • smitallica

    The GOP is at a crossroads. Who do they want to define them as a party? Florida's old white near-dead or Iowa's middle-aged white brain-dead?

  • Indiepalin

    What's wrong with starting all this shit this weekend? With the football season and the baseball playoffs, it'll be just one more reason to start drinking early.

    • What I was wondering. Did I miss another GOP debate that everyone's sleeping off the hangovers from? Are Riley and comrades finally succumbing to open-air sleep deprivation syndrome. And, how come I couldn't find this week any substantial replay of how our "GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN" was 'narrowly averted' yet again, amid all the Ashton Kutcher punk'd New Show's Producers headlines, or Will & Jada — Together/Apart Again What Do You Think? blah-encores..

      • SorosBot

        Hey, it's a holiday. Or am I the only one who gets off for Rosh Hashanah here?

        • haha — I just realized I misconstrued IndiePalin's post: "What's wrong with"… and I finished her sentence in my head with 'starting the posts this morning.' Because my need for a.m. insomni-hangover-cure entertainment presupposes urging those at wonkette to somehow behave like the morning person I am not, on my behalf, at least til the caffeine kicks in.

  • El Pinche

    Damn dre! You can't tell me that wonkette more hung over than me. Wakey wakey!!

  • Preferred Customer

    Campaigning "over the holidays?" War on Christmas!!31!

    Iowa should just solve this by declaring that the primary it holds in 2012 will be for the 2016 election cycle. Boom. FIRST.

    • HistoriCat

      And then Florida declares its primary is for the 2020 cycle. Before you know it, we're nominating Malia for the 2060 election.

  • L188188

    The Iowa Tea Party movement has convened an emergency meeting to discuss and discover what the date will be the day before January 31st 2012. This herculean task is expected to take the better part of a week.

  • lulzmonger

    I hear Alabama wants to move theirs back to the third week in July.

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