Thank you, former/future Wonkette morning editor and lifelong Comics Curmudgeon Josh Fruhlinger, for reminding us that we’ve been holding this insane animated gif in the Wonkette Secret Archives, just waiting for the right time to whip it out again, so to speak:

23 positions in a one night stand.

UPDATE, BREAKING: This is all Jim Newell’s fault.

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  • Barb

    Oh sure, and when the Palin kid licks her palm and does it, it's cute?

  • taylormattd

    What is wrong with me that I start feeling all tingly as I watch that?

    • Nothing. Nothing at all.

    • nanooknw

      What is wrong with me! I threw up in my mouth!

  • neiltheblaze

    It must be a Texas guy thing – Dubya used to like doing this sort of thing too, didn't he?

    • Barb

      I hope his handlers don't allow him to campaign at any nude beaches.

      • neiltheblaze

        Actually, I hope they do!

    • SorosBot

      At least he didn't grope someone like W did to Angela Merkel.


      • Geminisunmars

        Not in front of cameras, at any rate.

    • GhostBuggy

      Unless you were a rich oil baron from Saudi Arabia. Then you got the Hand-Holding Special Best Friends Package.

    • BerkeleyBear

      Not if you were black and/or poor. He apparently used hand sanitizer after meeting Obama (President O says he did it with everyone, but no one else has stepped up to confirm it) and he all but ripped Clinton's shirt off wiping his hands with it when they were both in Haiti.

  • taylormattd

    Also, +1 for the Prince quote.

    • BornInATrailer

      Fantastic alt text.

      Also, I think that is the guy that gave Daniel Tosh the sensitive nips/anal cranial session.

  • prommie

    W only did this to black dudes, but for Perry, I think its a sign of recognition, that he has met a man with a mighty mane, as shiny and perfect as his own. I see Giuliani is going to "help" Perry, by lisping about in drag and marching in parades with his whores, I suppose. Who's that trolling to be someone's VP?

  • widestanceshakedown

    He was just collecting the old guy's Brylcreem for fapping later in the day.

    • Barb

      A little dab will do me.

  • Could that possibly be more condescending? Why not just push him to his knees so he can blow Ricky.

    • Could that possibly be more condescending

      Many places in Asia: considered very disrespectful.

      • BerkeleyBear

        Not as bad as showing your feet/stepping on someone's head, but damn close.

    • Shh! That's for later.

  • I forgot about this.. it's as if he's petting the guy– Who's a good boy? Who wants some Alpo?

    • neiltheblaze

      To me, the thought balloon was: "Oooh – a silver fox, grrrr."

  • NorthStarSpanx

    Were there no camera's around, he'd have pushed that head toward his groin, yes?

    • hagajim

      If he's elected we'll all be sucking his big Texas Koch.

  • nounverb911

    Is that Perry's beard?

    • V572 T-Blow

      Nope, this is:

      Looks like the type of woman who may have a little drinky-poo now and then. "C'mon, Anita, step away from the bar for a minute and meet Mr Koch."

      • jus_wonderin

        Where is the clasp that opens that face to see all the precision clockwork bits???

  • The cop behind Perry seems to be getting an attack of the vapors over the whole incident.

  • Goonemeritus

    Thank God the guy reached his hand out for a shake or who knows what part of that poor bastard would have been rubbed next.

  • SorosBot

    Now how could anyone think that this man is a closet case?

  • MissTaken

    This is how legislation gets very close to being finalized.

  • Doktor Zoom

    That is the most weirdly squared-off head since Frankenstein's monster. Or maybe Kryten. Who the hell has hair like that? And why?

    • neiltheblaze

      That's why Dubya would only run the heads of bald guys.

    • widestanceshakedown

      From below (and this is from what I've seen in photos, don't even kid about me ever being below him), he has a wrinkly Reaganesque jaw line, made all the sillier by hair that must require round brushing and blowing out hourly.

      Then, there's that grin that screams con man.

  • Radiotherapy┬«

    You know who else liked to sensually rub scalps?

    • Doktor Zoom

      Donna O'Neeshuck?

      (I swear, if anyone gets THAT, I will be astonished)

      • MissusBarry

        Totally had to cheat with the Google. Having done so, well played, Dok.

      • proudgrampa

        My grandkids love that one.

    • RedneckMuslin

      Moe to Curly?

    • neiltheblaze

      Linda Lovelace?

    • BornInATrailer

      Franz Joseph Gall?

    • HistoriCat
    • Chuck Noblet to Mr. Jellineck?

      (Sorry. Got a Strangers with Candy thing going on today.)

    • GOPCrusher


  • hagajim

    Just giving him a nice little stroke there….ick!

  • So sorry, crackas in the background. Stetsons and eye-talian suits are never "in" unless your name is Graham Parsons.

    • BornInATrailer

      I think the middle one that passes out after the head rub is John Larroquette.

  • Touch me in the morning?

  • Guppy06

    The best part is the look on his face has he feels that soft, silky mane…

  • MissusBarry

    I might resort to violence if he did that to me. Makes me feel icky just watching it.

    Dear Ricky, only MisterBarry is allowed to touch my hair. I realize that I'm a chick, so you probably would have no interest in doing so, but just want to be sure you understand the likelihood of a MissusBarry knee to "The Crotch's" crotch should such inappropriate touching occur.

  • MissTaken

    When you're running for Prez you gotta get out there in the public, kiss a few babies, and making sweet lovin' to grown men's scalps. It's as American as apple pie.

  • Hair Club for Men fraternity hand shake?

    I wonder what kind of grip they exchange at the Brothers of Vasectomy Society Club meetings?

    • BerkeleyBear

      Well, since his father in law did Perry's (I shit you not), I'm guessing his involves tweezers and a microscope.

  • Come here a minute

    There's a commander-in-chief who commands respect.

  • MissTaken

    Best YouPorn clip ever!

  • BornInATrailer

    But I thought it was No Play For Mr. Grey?!?

  • HistoriCat

    It's kind of like a foot tap in an airport men's room stall.

  • SarahsBush

    This is why Repubs think he's soft on homosexuality.

    I also like how the guy seems totally okay with it.

    • neiltheblaze

      I think Rick is downright hardon homosexuality.

      • SarahsBush

        i c wat u did there

    • Are you kidding? He lurved it.

  • Mr. Perry still has a long ways to go to match which Presidential scholars generally agree on to be out nation's most feeliest President, Chester Arthur.

    • This is, of course, because of the extreme reach of his mutton chops. You could not get within 3 feet of the man without somehow coming into contact with them.

  • Troglodeity

    No nappy = OK to shake hands.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Most things are Jim Newell's fault.

  • MissTaken

    I want to know what was said between these two immediately afterwards.

    • widestanceshakedown

      Perry: How about a new iPad, an iPhone and a Blackberry to keep this on the DL, OK?

      • BerkeleyBear

        That is a professional level callback. Well played.


    Can you see the man was paralyzed and gets up after the Holy Touch?

  • jus_wonderin

    That, my friends, is creepy. I'd have to take fifly elebybillion showers with lye.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Last time I felt like this I needed Preparation H.

  • Nothing strange here…

    Perry is near sighted, he thought it was a dog.

  • Callyson

    What, is Perry trying to greet this guy or baptize him?

  • Limeylizzie

    So, apparently there was all kinds of buzz that Chris Christie was mulling a run and then NJ got downgraded to AA+ , so as that will be the GOP attack meme ….

  • proudgrampa

    As one who is bald, I can appreciate a nice, full head of hair. I might want to run my fingers through some dude's mane. Don't ask me why.

  • Negropolis

    I'm so glad this is being brought back up, 'cause Perry did this with the black guy on CNN (not Don or TJ) who has the unfortunate field job of covering the Tea Party. He took his two meat paws, grab both sides of the guy's face, and shook it. It was revolting, and the guy had the kind of nervous smile on his face that you see on a person when they just realize they've been assaulted/molested.

    More seriously, this is a sign of control, like how you're never supposed to let anyone cup your hand with their other hand when you're shaking hands. Perry is a total control freak.

    If that was me, I'd have been like "Bitch, back up." said in a voice and accent approximating that of Ice Cube's.

  • Negropolis

    What's creepy about this is that his hand damn-near hovers over the hair and glides with total ease. It's just enough to make contact, but also just enough to make you ask "did he actually just touch my hair?"

  • Rosie_Scenario

    I just noticed that the guy is rising from a bowing stance. What's that about?

  • fuflans

    guiliani helps perry

    rock on republicans.

  • At least he gave the grease right back to its owner.

  • ttommyunger

    For the uninitiated, that is the secret Masonic "Meet me later behind the dumpster" move.

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