SHARE

it's all about pizza and love now!These are strange times, so it is not too surprising that Herman “Let’s Just Ban All the Mosques” Cain is now just a few Pillars of Islam away from becoming the East Coast’s hottest new imam. Just last week, Herman Cain was very serious about that part in the First Amendment that says mosques are not allowed, because of Freedom, so why is he all of a sudden going on tours and having “quiet meetings” with people inside actual mosques? Is Herman Cain the latest victim in the grand Muslim conspiracy? There is really no other reason why the people of the fancy-shmancy “ADAMS Center” would want to spend time explaining their religion to Herman Cain, so probably!

Herman Cain had a meeting with some Muslim leaders yesterday to “rebuild relations,” because the strained relationship between Herman Cain and the Muslim community is a tragedy that affects us all.

ADAMS Center board member Robert Marro told POLITICO that the presidential hopeful met with a handful of Muslim leaders then toured the facility, which serves 6,000 families at eight branches in Northern Virginia and Washington.

“I think he left the meeting with an entirely different view of what Muslims are and what mosques do,” Marro said. “If he was expecting to see secret nooks and crannies where people are plotting nefarious things, he would have been highly surprised to find there is nothing like that in ours — or other mosques across the country.”

“While I stand by my opposition to the interference of shariah law into the American legal system, I remain humble and contrite for any statements I have made that might have caused offense to Muslim Americans and their friends,” Cain said. “I am truly sorry for any comments that may have betrayed my commitment to the U.S. Constitution and the freedom of religion guaranteed by it. Muslims, like all Americans, have the right to practice their faith freely and peacefully.”

Marro said Cain’s statement was “as close to a heartfelt and sincere apology that I’ve seen from any politician anywhere.”

Because Cain is a Baptist preacher, Marro said, Cain was invited to give a “brief sermon” on an apolitical topic at a later date.

Herman Cain is now hard at work adapting his gospel album for a Muslim audience. They will probably provide his only votes now, since he has decided to take the “I’m a secret Muslim” approach to his campaign. It worked for someone in 2008. [Politico]

$
Donate with CCDonate with CC
  • Barb

    "Because Cain is a Baptist preacher…."
    Okay, next he has to forgive those of us who enjoy making love while standing and were falsely accused of "dancing."

    • genxr

      “While I stand by my opposition to the interference of anti-dancing law into the American legal system…" etc etc

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      See, that is why God invented the Missionary Position. People don't get confused then.

      • Nothingisamiss

        Sometimes when Mormon missionaries come to my door I confuse them with people making love, though.

        • Lionel[redacted]Esq

          Mormons? Really? I thought they just budded or something.

        • SayItWithWookies

          With the suspenders and everything?

      • poncho_pilot

        man on top. woman on bottom. never a miscommunication.

  • Herman just went from "Plantation Republican" to RINO faster than a pizza delivery.

  • metamarcisf

    Maybe his later-date apolitical sermon can be about his buddies in the Norweigian Brotherhood.

    • KeepFnThatChicken

      I'm no geopolitical expert, but if you thought the Republicans were sparsely populated by black folk, I bet there's fewer in Norway.

      • Nothingisamiss

        Would Herman Cain be welcome in an Aryan brotherhood meeting? 'Cause he doesn't see color. All he wants is what they want, so I think acceptance should be guartanteed.

  • ttommyunger

    Total douche move from a total douche. Don't forget to hold the pepperoni, Herman. Hold it between your teeth 'till the swelling goes down. I feel sorry for the sincere and faithful Muslims who had to put up with this pandering asshole for those few short minutes. On the bright side, rest assured they'll never see him again.

  • Wait till the Teabaggers start calling him an Uncle Moh.

    • Beowoof

      Well I am pretty there are other folks who will call him Uncle Tom.

      • a_pink_poodle

        Well that goes without saying

  • RedneckMuslin

    Then Cain was seen heading to Walmart to get a burka for his wife.

  • Weenus299

    "I'm sorry you motherfuckers couldn't take a joke."

    • Nothingisamiss

      Now that would be awesome for any politician to utter. Please, Obama, take the sincere prayer of this poor St Bernard and use Weenus299's line.

  • What a tool. Doesn't he know they keep the nucular weapons in that square thing in Mecca and most of the plotting is done in airline lounges…

  • Ducksworthy

    Uncle Ruckus is converting?

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      From White Jesus? Never.

      • Negropolis

        I don't know. Seems to me he might have just had a "Come to Allah" moment.

  • OkieDokieDog

    Oh Lordy! Herman has been infected with the Mooslims cooties! I'm praying for your salvation Herman.

    • Oblios_Cap

      They'll be chopping the tip of his dick off anyday now!

  • orygoon

    Every campaign season has to have its levity-candidate, who is always a sad, sad specimen.

    • Nothingisamiss

      It's funny 'cause I thought our Newtie was gonna be that guy/gal. There's too many to choose from, really, and we can't expect KBJ, Blair or Jr to write til their fingers bleed.

    • RavenRant

      Repubs have about a dozen this time around.

  • AJWjr.

    ♪♫Rock me like a Herman Cain!♪♫

    • Doktor Zoom

      Ouch.

    • ArmoredLibunatic

      For once, I'm regretting the absence of a down fist

    • Nothingisamiss

      ZOMG that's awesome!! Now I have that song in my head . I'm spending a weekend soon with some family/supporters of his (don't judge, long story) and I think the mister and I should show up with this on a tshirt. Sadly, they would know I was just trying to piss them off.

    • Remember William Hung?

      • AJWjr.

        Who?

  • riverside68

    The education of another ignorant biggoted fu*k.

    Did he actually learn or just pick up talking points for the day?

    Time will tell.

    • finallyhappy

      You don't really think he learned anything, do you? no time needed to tell- no, he didn't.

    • He knew all along. Which makes me wonder, foolishly, if a worm is turning somewhere.

  • Goat milk cheese pizza coming your way!

    • finallyhappy

      Sorry, only fancy elitist liberal pizza places use goat cheese.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Given that all black people look alike, how can the 'baggers not be sure that he was not kidnapped and replaced with a Muslim? Until I see a Glenn Beck Chalk Board (TM) on this, I just don't know what to believe.

    • chicken_thief

      Spoiler alert: Cain is Hitler.

      • Lionel[redacted]Esq

        Not George Soros?

        Damn, I took the wrong person in the pool.

        • poncho_pilot

          Soros, like Hitler, only has one testicle. but the crazy part is that both of those lone testicles previously inhabited the same scrotum.

  • Geminisunmars

    He has a good relationship with THE muslims.

  • genxr

    HE'S A SEECRIT MOOSLIN!!1!11!1

  • Callyson

    So Cain is backing away, at least a little bit, from hating on Islam?
    That's it, his candidacy is finished. He'll be lucky if the Reeps don't force him out of the party…

  • Pragmatist2

    I'm thinking he was born in Kenya.

  • Doktor Zoom

    Translation: I got caught being a hateful douchebag in public. I guess I'll issue an "if anyone was offended" apology. Hope the True Believers don't call me a RINO now.

    EDIT: Too late!

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Man, the comments there are like Mr. Toad's Wild Ride, except with more scariness.

      "ban all muslim-death-cult activity," sez Eat-More-Bacon-USA. I guess so there's more room for christian-cannibalistic-death-cult activity?

    • elviouslyqueer

      Ouch. I've seen rabid hyenas exhibit more sympathy than did the Blaze commenters.

    • Nothingisamiss

      I had the luxury of being able to watch every second, noticing the Baptist preacher tone Cain uses, making one point, insisting it does not mean what he just said, then making another point in opposition to it. ("The first ammendment separates church and state……..that does not mean we cannot have religious symbols in government buildings…no one has the right to impose their religion on anyone….so mosques are bad….'I does not care.'" Priceless.)

      Then, a true believer comment: "Caving in to the muslims. What a joke. Some powerful entity, somewhere, some how has its evil tentacles around the throat of our government. Now, Herman Cain is buckling under to those monsters"

  • Papa_Uniform

    Hermie, ya don't stand a chance bein' the voice of reason. Might as well stick to the the batshit crazy stuff and at least get a few votes from the batshit crazy. No one with functioning brain cells takes anything you say seriously.

    • AJWjr.

      Yeah–all this flipping and flopping, people might mistake him for Romney.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    If Herman Cain was a true Conservative, he would have shouted "God is great!" during the meeting and then blown himself up.

    Clearly he's a RINO.

  • I'll believe it when Godfathers has Halal certified deep dish.

  • OC_Surf_Serf

    AllahFather Pizza?

    • Negropolis

      No, it's still God The Father Pizza.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Hey, Muslims, you're probably not too familiar with the Bible, but this fucker Cain is not to be trusted.

    —Abel (one who knows)

  • terriblyfamous

    "I am truly sorry for any comments that may have betrayed the fact that as of mid-last week, I did not understand the Constitution or care much for Muslims being allowed to exercise their rights provided therein."

  • soojank

    OT but Chris Christie was just admitted to the hospital for breathing problems. WONDER WHY HE HAS THOSE.

    btw, I don't really hate fat people. most/some of them are okay people! just not Chris Christie.

    edit: i found a link… http://abcnews.go.com/US/jersey-governor-chris-ch

    • Not_So_Much

      Maybe the "Total Recall" Kuato-like creature that resides in his belly and lives on pork rinds and tax cuts has ahold of his gizzard from the inside to remind him who is boss.

      • poncho_pilot

        Quaaaaid!

    • Doktor Zoom

      I think it's unethical to mock someone who's having real health problems. Get well soon, Gov. Christie, so we can mock you with a clean conscience.

      • not that Dewey

        We're not mocking him for his health problems.

    • SexySmurf

      This is what happens when tax payers won't let him use a helicopter to check his mailbox.

      • Lionel[redacted]Esq

        Since when has Christie cared what tax payers think?

      • prommie

        His email mailbox.

    • Ruhe

      He wasn't having trouble breathing because he's fat. He has trouble breathing for the same reason that he is fat: his face is stuffed with food, probably barbecued poor-children.

    • zhubajie

      It'd be cool if one of the ambulance attendants said "aren't you the guy who was threatening my granny with a baseball bat?"

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    I will feel better when he openly admits that the Constitution can't be whipped by Sharia.

    • Nothingisamiss

      You know who Can be whipped?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I'm confused. Is this the "Pizza Bigot" or the "Torture Iraqis Bigot"?

    • zhubajie

      Pizza. But probably on board with torture, too.

  • Not_So_Much

    Maybe they were just ordering out?

  • V572 Hair of Destiny

    Carefully worded non-apologetic apology:

    Cain said. “I am truly sorry for any comments that may have betrayed my commitment to the U.S. Constitution…"

    Even more carefully worded acceptance of same:

    Marro said Cain’s statement was “as close to a heartfelt and sincere apology that I’ve seen from any politician anywhere.”

    Everybody wins!

    • Negropolis

      On the second one, I thought the guy was going to say before I finished reading the sentence:

      "Marro said Cain's statement was "as close as we're going to get to an apology.""

  • Rosie_Scenario

    As long as he doesn't approve halal pizza.

  • DaSandman

    Cain. Cain and Abel. Cain and pizza. Pizza and beer…

    I'm just saying…

    • Doktor Zoom

      Titties and beer?

      • chicken_thief

        Time and place?!

  • elviouslyqueer

    “While I stand by my opposition to the interference of shariah law into the American legal system, I remain humble and contrite for any statements I have made that might have caused offense to Muslim Americans and their friends,” Cain said.

    Apropos of Rick "Doughy Tax-Evading Pantload" Warren:

    Asshole Douchebag Hypocrite. Oh, and can't forget Total Screeching Nutbag, as well.

  • BklynIlluminati

    Not much to being a CEO is there?

    • prommie

      Not if you are some kind of symbol or figurehead, whats the word I am looking for here? You use them to pay for the subway?

      • BaldarTFlagass

        "You use them to pay for the subway?"

        Public bond issues?

        • Doktor Zoom

          Calvin: This town just ain't big enough for the both of us.
          Hobbes: Yep, I reckon we'll have to annex part o' the county.

    • zhubajie

      Apparently not. Most seem to be dumb as dog shit and arrogant as a boar hog.

  • Tommmcatt

    Sorry, but independent testing has revealed that Herman Cain is almost, but not quite, as boring as Tim Pawlenty, and has about as much chance of winning the nomination.

    The Republican Party is looking for a less contrite madman.

    • elviouslyqueer

      So, Bachmann it is!

      • chicken_thief

        Marcus will make a lovely First Lady – Camelot II.

        • Tommmcatt

          Does Oleg Cassini do plus-size gowns?

          • elviouslyqueer

            Marcus is going to be so pissed when he finds out he can't get his big toe inside an Alaia micro-mini.

  • While you're making peace, pizza-man, could you throw a crust or two to the oppressed in your neighbor-homestate Tennessee? Well-heeled Virginian Moslem population notwithstanding, it just helps as you prioritize which fires to put out, to see what's smouldering in your own back yard.

  • Duly_Noted

    Herman Cain delivers!

    • Negropolis

      But you still have to tip him.

  • prommie

    They all look alike to me, so I get them all confused. Is this the guy who ran for the senate in South Carolina last year?

    • zhubajie

      No, that guy was cool. Intelligent, too.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Probably just pimping for his new line of halal pizzas.

  • Ruhe

    Quick Cain supporters! Someone smack him with a deck of cards that are all the Queen of Hearts and snap him out of this.

  • Crank_Tango

    Just because he is against mosks and islan, doesn't mean he hates muslins. barbarians just need to pray that shit away!

  • MinAgain

    Because Cain is a Baptist preacher

    Q. Why does Herman Cain refuse to have sex standing up?
    A. He's afraid people will think he's dancing.

  • bureaucrap

    Regret and Contrition are so Democratic. He's just lost the bully and brute vote.

    • prommie

      Shit, thats 95% of republican primary voters!

  • owhatever

    Next, he plans to visit a Mormon church to better understand another really weird religion. Then, a Jew church, and finally a Methodist tent meeting. His tour ends at the EIB studio, apologizing to Rush by giving the fat one free pizza for life.

    • Nothingisamiss

      I want him to get e-metered at the scientology celeb center to lock in the Hollywierd vote.

  • not that Dewey

    To restore his hate-cred, he needs to get Bradlee Dean to produce that gospel album adaptation.

  • bflrtsplk

    Cheeeeeezzzzzzyyyyyyy!

  • Nothingisamiss

    I first read "apolitical topic" as "apopolyptic topic." It makes much more sense this way. Cain and apopolyptic are are like Bachmann and crazy-eyes. No SAT word test needed.

  • Indiepalin

    Herman Cain: "I would not be comfortable with a Norweigian in my cabinet."

    • BaldarTFlagass

      The Norwegian would be even more uncomfortable in the cabinet. Unless he/she was a dwarf or a midget.

  • Mahousu

    Oh, great. Now Godfather's won't deliver a pizza until after dark during Ramadan.

    Or are pizzas just inherently too Christian? I mean, if samosas are, then I'd assume pizza would be even worse.

    • finallyhappy

      Samosas are definitely hindu-I consider myself an idol worshiper when I eat one

    • Well, the former dictator of Nicaragua, Anastasio Samoza, was more Catholic than the Pope.

    • BerkeleyBear

      All the world's Indian and Pakistani grandmas just looked up, said "What?!" and went back to making samosa while muttering about Ethiopian morons.

  • MLite

    Jesus, I almost gained a little respect for the guy. None of these other jackasses would ever admit perhaps a mistake and apologize.

    • Doktor Zoom

      Proof that he's a dirty goddamn RINO.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Maybe he can visit some poor people. And some gay people.

      Naaah.

  • Doktor Zoom

    When your key constituency is Islamophobic bigots, you certainly don't want to suggest that any Mozzies are, like, human or anything. Like Newt's criticism of the "kill Medicare" proposal, another Republican's primary campaign goes down the tubes due to insufficient cruelty.

    EDIT: Love the Yahoo comments. As one of our Wonkette co-conspirators said, The schaden, it freudes itself.

  • nappyduggs

    "Herman Cain is now hard at work adapting his gospel album for a Muslim audience…."
    Here's looking forward to his new stage name "Sir Mix Salat" and also the companion book "From Pizza Pies to Bean Pies: Tales of the Black Upper Crust".

    • finallyhappy

      Bean pies- I used to buy them in North Philly in the early 70's- . Actually, I am still not sure I understand bean pies

      • nappyduggs

        Oh yes, well it has something to do with the fact that Elijah Muhammed advocated heavily for the consumption of navy beans in this diet book he wrote back in the day. Personally, I just go to Taco Cabana and fuck a few sailors during Fleet Week, same thing basically.

  • The way I see it is either 1. his board of directors told him that the Muslinz had stopped buying his pizzas thus hurting the bottom line, or 2. that the Muslinz have a pretty big voting block. Probably, both.

  • widestanceroman

    I think this serves as the pre-announcement of his "announcement to announce his withdrawal from the campaign" announcement.

    In any case, he's done.

  • Oblios_Cap

    All aboard the Herman Cain train! It's the last train to Clarksville Mecca.

    • Negropolis

      He's leavin'…on that midnight train to Mecca. Choo, Choo!

  • Come here a minute

    Uh oh, I am afraid this is Cain's "Get a brain, Moran!" moment.

  • BornInATrailer

    You know which other person associated with pizza converted to Islam?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      The Noid?

    • Cicada

      The Noid?

      • Doktor Zoom

        The Noid?

        • BaldarTFlagass

          The Noid!!!!!!

          • BornInATrailer

            TBH, the only reason I created this post was so that, on the off chance no one responded with The Noid, I could.

            So I am deliriously happy having opened this up to see nothing BUT "The Noid."

          • BaldarTFlagass

            It's the only answer. I know, because slinging pie out of my car for Domino's got me through college.

          • Doktor Zoom

            So, what you're saying is, you were a para-Noid?

    • Negropolis

      Macedonia's Little Cesars?

  • DashboardBuddha

    Did some political consultant gaze into his crystal ball and determine that, no…Herman can't win with only the wingnut vote?

    • Doktor Zoom

      Oh, sorry, Mr. Cain…I forgot to mention that the wingnuts were the only segment you were popular with. Kind of a paradoxical situation, innit?

  • Pretty clear that Cain realized that a black man sell pizzas would have a much better chance of success than a black man running for the GOP nomination for president.

    Actually almost anyone trying to do anything would have a better chance of success than a Cain becoming the Rethug nominee.

  • Beowoof

    What did he invite them over for ribs?

  • littlebigdaddy

    Someone told him about the 72 houri.

  • See!? You just can't trust 'em!

  • If he was expecting to see secret nooks and crannies where people are plotting nefarious things, he would have been highly surprised to find there is nothing like that in ours

    Of course he couldn't see them…that's what "secret" means.

  • OneYieldRegular

    For a limited time only! Order any Jumbo size Super Combo, and get a free copy of "The Final Call" with your pizza!

  • SayItWithWookies

    Still wouldn't let his daughter marry one.

    • Negropolis

      Baby steps, wookies; baby steps.

  • raygotaway

    Because Cain is a Baptist preacher?! I thought the bigot use to flog pizza.

  • DaRooster

    “If he was expecting to see secret nooks and crannies where people are plotting nefarious things, he would have been highly surprised to find there is nothing like that in ours — or other mosques across the country.”

    "OK everyone… quick, hide the nooks and crannies… throw some of those pizza crusts over them."

  • El Pinche

    Where's the long form?

  • Guppy06

    The Prophet Mohammed (PBUH) warned against taxing the job-creators!

  • chicken_thief

    Herman, Herman, Herman…. if you can't stand your ground against the Muzlins, the most hated group in real 'Murika, how do expect to go toe-to-toe with the likes of the formidable Harry Reid?!!

  • mourningnmerica

    This is why the guy earned his nickname. Herman "Crazy Bread" Cain.

    Spewing love is a no-no, Herm. And asking forgiveness? WHAT KIND OF REPUBLICAN ARE YOU ???

  • Redhead

    “While I stand by my opposition to the interference of shariah law into the American legal system"

    me too – that's why I'm hoping you lose the election, Cain.

  • Thanks to a Nordic fellow named Anders, Citizen Cain has woken up and seen the future: because of Women's Lib, the Morbid Obesities are dying off. America is soon to be an elephant's graveyard. The pizza market will shift to the Middle East, from deep dish to deep oil. Besides, there are lots of fellow Abrahamics out there. So, no conflict with Baptistist belief, as John 'the B' himself was a Middle Easterner.

    Simple, timely, true.

  • bodi1313

    You judge Herman Cain.. but this blog is filled with nothing but 'hate speech'. 'Be the change you wish to see'.- Gandhi

    • Mahousu

      OMG, I think this is the first time Gandhi's name has been spelled correctly in the history of the Internet.

      • bodi1313

        I use spell check.. I wish everyone did.

        • WilliamHTaft

          Honestly, I will have loads of respect for Herman Cain if he continues to see Muslim Americans as his countrymen, rather than his enemies. However Fox News, Rush Limbaugh, Breitbart, and all the other right wing media outlets are gonna rip him apart for this.

          Hell, check out Free Republic sometime. Those people would hunt Muslim families for sport if they could. I guarantee you tomorrow that site will be full of nothing but hate for Herman Cain's apparent revelation.

    • Negropolis

      Ooo…a troll. This is why I regret the abolition of the downfist. The downfist is dead; long live the downfist!

  • benjo765

    Could it be?

    Is Herman perhaps, the second coming of his holy doucheness?

  • Diabeetis

    Has anyone gone and checked out what the freepers have to say about this?

  • Warpde

    Hey,! Hey!….Herman?…Knock, knock.
    Herman, you there?
    Domino's is hiring.

  • zhubajie

    Does he comment for Fox? Maybe Fox's Muslim Saudi Royal owner told him to cool it?

  • Almost want to give him credit, but there's got to be an angle. The only minister I ever got to know was a duplicitous, calculating motherfucker.

  • WilliamHTaft

    Isn't it interesting that while Mr. Cain is palling around with dangerous anti-American cult members, the lamestream media has been eerily silent about all the questions regarding his alleged citizenship? Why won't Herman Cain release his long form birth certificate? What exactly is he trying to hide?

  • Negropolis

    This is just precious. This fool that doesn't have a chance in hell of winning the nomination – let alone the presidency – is being legitimized by some in the Muslim community. Stop treating him as if he's a serious candidate, por favor.

Previous articleWhite House Rickrolls Twitter User For Complaining About Debt Discussion
Next articleFiscal Prudence Screamer Joe Walsh Sued For $100,000 in Child Support