How’s the “best health care system in the world” doing, these days? Uhh ….

Large swaths of the United States are showing decreasing or stagnating life expectancy even as the nation’s overall longevity trend has continued upwards, according to a county-by-county study of life expectancy over two decades.

In one-quarter of the country, girls born today may live shorter lives than their mothers, and the country as a whole is falling behind other industrialized nations in the march toward longer life, according to the study.

Where are we living the longest? In the super-rich mansions of Fairfax County, Virginia, with Dick Cheney! And where are living short, hideous little lives? All over the country, but especially in Appalachia, the South, and Texas. How much do we spend per capita on health care, in this country? TWICE AS MUCH AS ANYWHERE ELSE ON EARTH. But, to be fair, the richest 10% spends all of that, on plastic surgery to revitalize their hairlines or vaginas, and the other 90% buys Tylenol on a credit card and then dies of obesity & liver failure. [Washington Post]

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  • Barb

    Don't think of it as dying earlier Texans, think of it as finally seceding from America and hey, the rest of the planet too!

    • mourningnmerica

      Barb, I think there must be a mistake somewhere. I thought that the people in Texas really wanted to SUCCEED. It's a whole mess of really focused, motivated achievers down there.

      On the other hand, I've been wrong before…

  • the richest 10% spends all of that, on plastic surgery to revitalize their hairlines or vaginas

    Not to mention working on their vagina hairlines.

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      Leave Xtine out of this!

    • Preferred Customer

      I think they actually do more of that in Brazil.

  • SexySmurf

    If I lived in the South I wouldn't want to live very long either.

    • Giveusabob

      Then you may find sweet sweet relief in George Soros' sinister plot behind establishments like Chick-Fil-A, Whataburger, Bojanges, The Varsity, etc, as that plot appears to be succeeding.

  • Jeebus loves me yes I know,
    The Free Market tells me so
    Corn syrup drinks I do chug;
    They are sweet but diabeetus 2 is strong.

    • TX_Bluebonnets

      Yes, Jeebus luvs me,
      Yes, Jeebus luvs me,
      Yes, Jeebus luvs me,
      But my doctor don't anymore.

      My kidneys quit and now I'm sore
      Coughing all day is quite a bore
      Working for low pay makes me sick
      But Jeebus says it's just my schtick.

  • SayItWithWookies

    The teabaggers don't want any big government telling them they have to live past 80. Really, it's the teabaggers — check it out.

    • SorosBot

      Huh, it looks like here in Pennsylvania the increased life expectancy patches correspond with Philly, Pittsburgh, Harrisburg and their suburbs, the decreased patches with Pennsyltucky, and pretty much every other state with both large cities and empty rural areas is declining. It looks like the country life really is bad for you.

      • Oblios_Cap

        There's where we dump all the citys' crap. Plus, pigshit from the huge farming concerns and the pesticides, etc. from the mega-farms.

      • neiltheblaze

        More Fracking!

      • That's a lot of ATV accidents!

      • V572 [SSAN]

        Let's ask 'em again at age 79 years 11 months and 29 days. "Okay to pull the plug now, Grammaw?"

    • NYNYNYjr

      Read the article- the absolute worst life expectancy is in Holmes Co. MS, which is 75% black and 81% voted for Obama. It's been Democratic ever since black people were allowed to vote (1966).

      • SayItWithWookies

        The map correlates very positively with maps showing the most active tea party memberships, and also with the former CSA states. It's not surprising that black people in Mississippi, a disadvantaged population in one of the poorest states of the union, would suffer more. Not saying it's of their own doing — but the teabaggist disdain for the federal role naturally worsens everyone's situation whether they voted for Obama or not.

    • mourningnmerica

      I looked at that map. Jesus Palamino, what is up with southern Oklahoma???? Is it legal to hunt bitches down there? Cripes.

    • AJWjr.

      If that big-assed red blotch in Nevada means bitches be dyin', then we're #1!

  • hooray4anything

    The fact that places like Texas and most of the South are fervently low tax anti-government states would have nothing to do with those stats would they? Nahhh……

    • It's all part of the general adherence to sweet, sweet ignorance. Bein' dumb never kilt anyone! Nobama!!1!

  • They don't have any reason to live very long.

  • Pragmatist2


    • Turtles all the way down…

    • petehammer

      Hey now, Portland is not the south.

  • Oblios_Cap

    the country as a whole is falling behind other industrialized nations in the march toward longer life

    That's because we're a third-world country that believes in spending all our money on things that go "boom".

    • Ducksworthy

      Thanks Banana Republikkans.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      If we use enough of the Things That Go Boom, we'll get the global average down to where ours is.

  • To be fair, a 37-year lifespan seems a lot longer in Texas and the South.

  • BloviateMe

    Maybe the rapture is just a way slower process than everybody thought.

    I mean, that God thing does tend to oversell, so it's certainly plausible.

    • Or maybe the reason why the Rapture failed is because God's elevators have a weight restriction.

  • freakishlywrong

    Another feather in our eckseptional quiver. Eww Ess Aaye!

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Jr.: You make it sound like revitalizing vaginas is not a noble pursuit.

  • Ducksworthy

    USA! USA! Plus we get to work twice and much for a very lousy retirement program.

    • Exactly as the wise, bible-thumbing, Ayn Rand reading founding fathers intended. (This rewriting history stuff is easy! Who's gonna question me? Junior?)

  • Redhead

    hey, if I pray really hard and I don't get better, that just means it was God's will for me to not get better.

    Just like it was God's will to provide Cheney and Beck and Limbaugh and those other rich elitist assholes with the money and resources to actually get quality medical care. And you can't argue with God's will. At least, those assholes hope you can't.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Beck's money, and Limpballs', all comes out of the pockets of the poor schlubs who can't get decent health care.
      The Lord works in very fucking mysterious ways.

  • chascates

    That means Texans and Southerners get to Gloryland sooner than other people!

    Go, Go, GO!!!

    • Hallelujah

    • notgross

      That is a true "win, win".

  • DaRooster

    Hey South,
    Jesus walked some.


  • KeepFnThatChicken


    I am in the South, and I will live a long time in spite of them.

    • elviouslyqueer

      Hear hear! Plus, with my super-skinny physique and medicine cabinet with enough anti-wrinkle cream to turn a crate of prunes back into plums, I'm gonna look a damn sight better than these morbidly obese redneck motherfuckers. Also, too, with alacrity.

    • Well you have an unfair advantage Bill, that True blood is non-fat.

  • VaWyo

    No fair. I'm going to have to suffer the consequences of those idiots they elect for much longer.

  • easybaked

    I get it now – this is a religious question. Those who believe in the FLOTUS' magic veggies will live (almost) forever. And will be able to look down and actually see their naughty bits. The rest will perish in a deep-fried hell of their own making.

    All hail the Nubian Vegetable Goddess !

  • nounverb911

    How much time does Rick Perry have left?

    • mourningnmerica

      It's in God's hands.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Until August 6, innit?

  • hagajim

    They love Jeebus in the south, eat shitty food and largely live shitty lives….no wonder they are dying so fast….they are anxious to leave the anus burgers behind and bask in the glory of the Father and Son….or something.

    • GOPCrusher

      It must suck to get cosmically bitch slapped by the invisible hand of the free market.

  • Goonemeritus

    Strange how lifespan and retirement age seem to be converging to a single point for working class types. These numbers are approaching unity from both direction almost as if it were a plan.

    • TX_Bluebonnets

      It IS. That's how to solve the Social Security crisis…

  • ThundercatHo

    I hope you're not suggesting that ham (country-style with extra salt, nitrates, etc.) biscuits, sweet tea (sugar + molasses for extra goodness), deep fried everything and vegetables stewed in animal fat do not compose a healthy diet?

    • nounverb911

      Mmmmm! Ham biscuits. Where's Lindsey?

    • neiltheblaze

      You forgot the butter, but otherwise that's every Paula Dean cookbook right there. Her cookbooks should have warning stickers..

      • ThundercatHo

        I agree but it's probably delicious. At least it always looks like it since Paula appears to be having a giant orgasm everytime she does the taste test which is the best part of watching her show.

      • Negropolis

        Her cookbooks should have warning stickers..


        Honestly, here food needs a Surgeon General's warning on them.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Don't forget the "gravy", also. You've got to lube those biscuits, and nothing does the job like Southern 30-weight redeye.

  • qwerty42

    We're Number … uh … 37!
    We're Number … er… 37!
    We're Number 37!
    USA! USA! USA!
    It's mourning in America!
    (no misspelling)

  • Oblios_Cap

    That's why the delta blues are so damn good.

  • ♪♫ Darwin is my only love
    Darwin's all I'm thinking of
    Darwin gives me all those Cheetos, trans fats, nitrites, high fructose corn syrupies
    Darwin, Oooo, Darwin, Oooo
    Darwin, Darwin I'm done ♫♪

  • Grief_Lessons

    You could put that sentence at the end of virtually any paragraph, about any civilized characteristic that a state might possess.

  • I want a tasty pork and chocolate melange now, damn you.

  • proudgrampa

    No surprises, there.

    That drought they got going in TX is gonna kill 'em sooner, rather than later…

  • hooray4anything

    Good thing nobody thought Mississippi's Governor would make a serious Republican Presidential Contender. Or Texas' for that matter.

    • TX_Bluebonnets

      You used to be able to assume Mississippi was the worst, but these days, Texas is really giving them a run for their money.

      Ever seen pregnant young teens? Complain all you want, but it's cheap labor.

      Look ma, it works on two levels!!!

  • TheMeatmaker

    The Red States do poorly because they spend their health dollars on ostomies, which is why they have the most assholes per capita.

  • but but but but, we have the best health care system in the world! i heard a fat drug-addicted man shout that on the radio. hmm, data or loudmouth – who's a guy supposed to believe?!!?!

  • KeepFnThatChicken


    • Probly be more healthy less unhealthy to drink the E15 down at the gas station than the high fruct corn syrup slurpies.

      note: thaz a joke folks. don't be drinkin' no gasoline, even with the ethanol added.

  • V572 [SSAN]

    And no unions! Noted goat-fellator Mickey Kaus blames everything on unions and must be right, since he wrote a book once.

  • fishskicanoe

    The problem is that most of those folks believe whatever happens is in god's hands. Whether you live past 65 has nothing to do with what you eat or how much exercise you get, its due to whether Jesus takes a shine to you or not. Why wear a seatbelt when everyone knows that when your time's up you're going to punch out no matter what you do?

  • Geminisunmars

    Cheney's un-dead status is skewing the Fairfax, Virginia figures.

  • GregComlish

    Plus they have all those guns to keep them extra, extra safe

    • SorosBot

      Especially now that they can wear them concealed to bars in many of those states, there's no way that hasn't caused any unnecessary deaths; not to mention the fact that the only way to go to a bar in rural areas is usually to drive, meaning you have to drive back, that can't make those areas more dangerous to live in than cities.

  • pinkocommi

    Shhhhhh…. Talk like this is going to undermine the belief in American exceptionalism. U-S-A!! U-S-A!!

  • mourningnmerica

    Water is wet.

  • zhubajie

    Jesus is taking them home!

  • zhubajie

    Too true. Can't take a chance on another Sioux Revolt or something.

  • ttommyunger

    "Already Way Down In 37th Place, American Life Expectancy Is Much Worse In the South, Texas, Etc." …as published in "Duh" Magazine.

  • Numbat_Dundee

    No snark on this one just boring facts. I read an analysis on a British website which explained why America spends so much more on healthcare and it's not actually because of rich people remodelling their genitalia (much as that image is delightful). Apparently the difference is all down to "administration costs" – marketing and debt collection in particular, activities which are unnecessary when healthcare is free. So, what you get when you free up something for private enterprise is a bloated bureaucracy. Suck on THAT Ayn Rand.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Not to mention Health Insurance company profits — hardly necessary in a rational health care system.

  • x111e7thst

    At least our rapidly slipping life expectancy is not being rationed by government bureaucrats.

  • LetUsBray

    I thought that was Cheney?

  • calibrit

    Uh, I think you're confusing Yahweh with Eru Iluvatar.

  • Negropolis

    I guess this is PalinCare.

  • Negropolis

    I was actually expecting far more. And, in general, in Oklahoma, most of the counties were the white Ozarks and near the Texas border when you'd expect them to be clustered around the Osage Reservation.

    In the nation as a whole, most of the counties were in the white Appalachians or black Delta and Deep South.

  • bloodandirony

    Ironically those parts of the country are where all the politicians who want to _raise_ the retirement age come from.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Once they raise it to where nobody gets to, it's "mission accomplished".

  • MinAgain

    All over the country, but especially in Appalachia, the South, and Texas.

    That's only because the anti-union, anti-gay, anti-woman Tea Party has sapped our will to live.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    If I had to live down there, I'd be grateful to God for taking me sooner.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    All the Dems have to do is make it clear that the GOP platform is "no scooter for you." Once that message gets through, the Repukes are toast.

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