Life was kind of fun, here on Earth! Wasn’t it? Not that much? Did we squander a pretty nice setup, here on this planet? Whoops. Oh well, maybe Jesus will forgive us, in space. Let’s liveblog the nationwide roll-out of Death Quakes from California to the East Coast and everywhere in between. Alaska and Hawaii — and, we suppose, “Guam” — are already drowned by now. Oh wait, we’re doing this backwards. It’s 9 o’clock in DC right now! And while Alaska certainly deserves it, there are likely a few innocent people even up there. Maybe. Whoa the ground is feeling all rumbly and the birds have crummies in their tummies right here on the Pacific Coast!
5:58 PM — No, that was just some asshole on an off-road motorcycle about a mile away. Saturdays in the desert. We’ll go unload a shotgun on him, later. (Haha, not really. That would be violent. We just called the sheriff. They’ll make the meth-arrest quota today for sure!)
5:59 PM — The sky is a little hazy around Mt. San Gorgonio, but it’s always like that at this time a day, with the diffused sunlight and a little ozone escaping from the Los Angeles metropolis. Earthquake weather!
6:00 PM — Hmm.
6:12 PM — You think maybe Allah doesn’t know about Daylight Savings Time?
6:12 PM — Daylight Savings Time is def. not in the Holy Bible.
6:13 PM — So Arizona should happen right at 6 o’clock there, because Arizona doesn’t celebrate Daylight Savings Time because Arizona is against Evolution.
6:13 PM — Oh jesus, but now we can’t remember if that means it should be 6 p.m. already in Arizona, or if it’s in an hour. Why didn’t we study Greek in college?!?!? Oh right, we did not go to college. This is why we’re so challenged, educationally. Also time goes in the other direction, so Arizona is either falling into “the sea” right now or …. eh, who cares.
6:15 PM — Uh oh, we just got an email from Sara Benincasa’s iPhone and she’s doing some blog lecture event on the same stage as Andrew Breitbart. So that’s kind of proof the world is ending … because Sara’s going to shove Breitbart back down a toilet where he belongs.
6:17 PM — If you’re wondering where that woodcut of The Devil (aka Old Scratch, the Dark Woodsman, Davy Jones, El Diablo, Satan, Cheney, Mephistopheles, Voland, He Who Must Not Be Named, the Dark Lord of the Sith, Lucifier, and Old Hob) came from, it was found on another Wonkette End of the World post, back when the world was supposed to end on August 22, 2006. Good lord, we’ve been writing these same posts since 2006, right here on the Wonkette.
6:26 PM — Interesting, that post mentioned above is one of the first times we called the Housing Collapse, 8/22/2006 Never Forget RIP Thug Life Forevah:
Existing home sales hit a 2-1/2-year low in the United States, while the number of unsold houses on the market hit a record high. This is actually horrifying. Excuse us, we have to call the real-estate lady about that “reduced price” idea.
6:27 PM — Well, it’s time to walk our dog, “Black Dog,” aka Old Scratch, the Dark Woodsman, Davy Jones, El Diablo, Satan, Cheney, Mephistopheles, Voland, He Who Must Not Be Named, the Dark Lord of the Sith, Lucifier, and Old Hob. We will continue the apocalypse live blog Rapture Spectacular when we get back in an hour or so. Every part of America should be in the sea by then, except for “Guam,” probably.
6:30 PM — We are using the Pacific Time Zone, because it’s “going to happen at 6 p.m. everywhere,” plus it’s so scary that way.
6:31 PM — Oh wait, he totally gave his own prediction a “save,” first we’ve heard of this: “In Camping’s description of Judgment Day, the Earth would be wrenched in a great earthquake and many inhabitants would perish in the coming months, until the planet’s total destruction on October 21.” Gah, so a summer of bullshit awaits us, but maybe by Halloween all the Christians will have given up and found a better religion. May we suggest “Buddhism”?
8:32 PM — Well, so much for the Rapture. Back to whatever we do on Saturday Nights in America! (Sit on the couch and lookit the teevee, probably?)