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Onward and upward!
Oh for fuck’s sake. Does George Allen think the problem with his last Senate race is he didn’t say “Macaca” enough? Well, he’s starting early this time!

According to the Washington Post, local NBC anchor/reporter Craig Melvin is tall in addition to being black. So it was definitely the height that makes Allen keep assuming he was good at sports.

Allen’s well-punctuated apology:

'Macaca Macaca Macaca Macaca Macaca Macaca Macaca Macaca Macaca Macaca Macaca Macaca Macaca Macaca Macaca Macaca Macaca.'

There you have it: George Allen carries a football at all times because the only way he could get attention or feel loved by his parents was sports. He is holding onto that ball for dear life. Take away sports, and he completely loses all function as a human being. (Or maybe “football family” means he was literally raised by a bag of footballs? Is that football he carries around his little brother? Or maybe his wife?)

Still, racism. [WP]

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  • Ducksworthy

    That's easy. If it was me I'd just say "Top, and you?"

    • Tundra Grifter

      Ducksworthy: No, you wouldn't answer "tight end?"

    • SorosBot

      Or he could try and screw with him in a different way, something like "I was third scullion on my prep school's crew team; we made all the way the Henley Regatta one year."

  • metamarcisf

    George Allen wears a Garo Yepremian bobble-head around his neck strictly as an ice-breaker.

    • finallyhappy

      I have no idea what that means. If it is something to do with sports, I do not care.

      • tessiee

        Although I will go so far as to say that Garo Yepremian is an awesomely cool name.

        • tessiee

          Really? Someone downfisted *this*? What, Garo Yepremian *isn't* an awesomely cool name?

    • not that Dewey

      He's like a Cypriot-Armenian Forrest Gump! Impressive.

      (and something tells me that you may have written that wikipedia article.)

  • Come here a minute

    ask people a lot if they played sports

    Or assume they played sports if they have the sports playing skin color. (Not that there's anything wrong with that — some of my best friends played sports.)

    • CliveWarren

      But do you let them use your bathroom?

  • Hera Sent Me

    I scored four macacas in a single game – George Albundy

    • jetjaguar

      A black man walked into the shoe store today…

  • George Allen is the assholish amalgam of Linus and Charley Brown. Like Linus, the football is his blankie. Like Charley Brown, it seems every time he gets tripped up by it.

  • NorthStarSpanx

    Soooo, athletic glory days of yor is the only proof of American Exceptionalism (and qualifications) to conservatives now?

  • harry_palmer

    George is actually referring to the masked orgy he attended the other night, hoping to hook up. The next thing he said was "Drill here, drill now."

  • TanzbodenKoenig

    This would be bad news for Allen if overt racism and bigotry wasn't the sole plank of the Tea Party platform

  • Barbara_i

    "…found sports banter a good way to connect"
    George, did you play dodgeball much as a child? You seem like the kind of guy who likes balls flying at his face.

    • DaRooster

      "Aim for my chin…"

    • DemmeFatale

      *shudder*
      When we had to play dodge ball, I would walk up the line and beg to be hit to end the suspense.
      Some beady-eyed little shit usually obliged.

      (Yes, I was pretty pathetic.)

  • smokefilledroommate

    "sorry if I offended, ask black people a lot if they played sports"

    /fixed

    • jetjaguar

      "because we literally have nothing else in common"

    • HistoriCat

      To be fair, he may just not have anything else to say. I looked at a couple houses with a real estate agent doofus once – he kept making reference to where you could "put your high school football trophies!" I'm not athletic and I just kind of grunted non-commital like … he didn't get the hint. In the end, I concluded he just had absolutely nothing else to use to connect with people. Of course, he was a twenty-something guy in real estate, not a serious candidate for Senator.

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    Bet his best friend is a black man.

    • Redhead

      no, but his mammie was, and she practically raised him. Why, she was more of a mother to him than his own mother! Who, by the way, ALMOST paid her enough to actually live on! See, she was just like part of the family – well, like the drug addicted cousin who you don't leave alone in the house because you're scared he'll steal your valuables, and that you don't let around your friends because he embarasses you, but you find him a job to do around the house for a little money (not too much – he might spend it all on heathen things!) because you feel sorry for him.

      • tessiee

        I once had a co-worker who grew up in a wealthy family and kept a *framed picture* of her family's maid on her desk, and bored us all to tears by saying repeatedly that Maizie was "one of the family". Another (African-American) co-worker finally heard that one more time than she could stand, and answered it with, "Family? Which one of your grandmas married a n*****r?"

        • Negropolis

          Bwahahahaha!

    • not that Dewey

      He's not racist, but…

  • Come here a minute

    Allen also frequently asks whether certain people he meets like to break dance or tap dance.

    • forgracie

      …or like watermelon and fried chicken.

  • baconzgood

    Are you the "pitcher" or the "catcher" was what he was actually asking.

  • prommie

    "Who's your owner?"

    • bureaucrap

      "And does he like giving campaign donations?"

    • V572..whatever

      "Sorry if I offended — only meant who owns your team?

    • So full of win.

  • DaRooster

    Spray and neuter your pests…

  • SorosBot

    Now George is probably not lying when he says he didn't mean to be offensive; the dude's racism is so ingrained he has idea that the racist things he's constantly spouting off are racist. When he intends to be racist is when he does stuff like leave a dead deer's head on a black family's lawn.

    • not that Dewey

      I thought it was in their mailbox, which is far more deliberate and despicable.

    • tessiee

      "Now George is probably not lying when he says he didn't mean to be offensive"

      You're actually probably right. Many of us have an older relative who grew up in a different day and age, and can ask things like, "How is that nice little friend of yours — you know, the homo?" without a shred of malice. They're clueless, not evil.

  • finallyhappy

    I forget the whole racist thing Earl Butz(loose shoes- I remember) said but I'm thinking George Allen will go there next.

    • Ducksworthy

      LS, Tight P & a warm place to defecate. Butz also turned us into a nation of corn syrup addicted diabetics, I don't know which he'd most like to be remembered for.

      • jus_wonderin

        Hey, just the fact that you remember Earl Butz has his bones a dancin'.

  • XOhioan

    I like the complete lack of shame. Like uh…duh, of COURSE I ask everyone that question.

  • DemonicRage

    Even grade school kids at the School for the Slow know that this question is code for, "Are you a Top or are you a Bottom?"

    • Ducksworthy

      Well. I'd mentioned that earlier but I hate to see the effects of the downfister on here, 0's look like roach dung, so an upfist for you.

  • DaRooster

    Well, clearly Melvin needs to go back to school and do it all over again… play sports, blow out his knees, get 3 concussions and tear his rotator cuff. Doesn't he realize that no one will recognize a black man unless he's a sports figure? Take it from the genius white guy… Sheesh.

  • Weenus299

    Shout out to Craig Melvin, veteran of WIS TV in Columbia! FWIW, I play missionary but I'm flexible, willing to try anything once.

  • widestanceroman

    Is Grassley ghost-tweeting for Allen?

    • ProgressiveInga

      Spook-tweeting is more like it.

  • XOhioan

    It was actually "Raised in a football. Family found sports banter a good way to connect." Poor George Allen! He was raised in a football. Leave him alone, mean black guy!

    • FraAnima

      Bigger than a shoe, anyway. Unless it's a black dude's shoe, 'cause you know they have big feet and even bigger dicks, while playing sports. Too.

  • GuanoFaucet

    He also has a habit of asking women reporters what they're making him for dinner tonight.

  • metamarcisf

    All reporters of color who cover the Allen campaign are encouraged to entertain the group through the art of tap dance.

  • baconzgood

    You just discribed my entire jr. High existence. Funny thing is when I went back to my reunion all the jocks were bald, fat, and earned 25%-40% less than I do. I'm actually in better shape now (being a libtard who rides a bicycle to work every day) than I was at 20. Yipee for being gauky in high school and not as an adult!

    • anniegetyerfun

      "Move it, Annie! I don't fucking care if you have asthma, you pansy! Run! What, oh, you're passing out now? Get up off the track, I don't believe in bronchitis!"

      My gym teacher's dyke-bellow still haunts my dreams at night.

      • DemmeFatale

        "Get your fat ass on that balance beam! You may be hot stuff on the student council, but now you're in MY world!"

        Suck it, sadistic little frustrated gymnast bitch!

        • Negropolis

          I didn't ever have much trouble in gym class, but I do remember once in middle school the gym teacher giving instructions while I was staring off or talking to someone, so he stops in the middle of the class and challenges me to repeat what he'd just said. I repeated word-for-word. I wasn't one of those general smart-asses, but that day I was.

          We also had a gym teacher who used to hit on all of the girls, and us guys would give him hell for being so creepy/leery.

  • Tundra Grifter

    Just to see the look on Mr. Allen's face, Mr. Melvin should have answered "Lawn Jockey."

  • rambone

    I think the real story here is that Melvin is a tall Black man who didn't play sports. Sounds like Melvin has some 'splainin to do!

  • MittsHairHelmet

    Next week on the Macaca Show: George Allen makes a comment about mowing the lawn as a kid, points out a young hispanic-looking man in the crowd and says "my friend Pablo over here knows what I'm talkin bout, right?"

  • smokefilledroommate

    Say, Abdullah, what explosives do you use?

    Pradeep, which type of headset is most comfortable?

  • V572..whatever

    Reconstruction 2011: This time we're going to finish the job.

  • baconzgood

    Hey Pablo, who's your favorite mexican wrestler?

    • emmelemm

      More like what's your favorite brand of lawnmower, amirite?

  • jus_wonderin

    "Football Family?"

    Is this the sequel to Castaway,?

  • GodShammgod

    George Allen also referred to Melvin as "boy" throughout the interview and asked him for a ham sandwich. When Melvin refused, Allen put a deer head in his mailbox.

  • Barbara_i

    I'm 48 years-old and I've never found a reason to have to climb a rope. I think my gym teacher was just jerking me around with that stuff.

    • harry_palmer

      Did he make you do it in a skirt? Cuz maybe he was jerking something else.

  • Guppy06

    That football has seen things. Unspeakable things.

  • finallyhappy

    Ezra, What bank do you own?(corrected)

  • DahBoner

    "what position did you play"

    Obviously, the old coot was confusing him with that other reporter from the Bush administration, what was his name? Oh, yeah…."Jeff Gannon"!

    Why, top, of course!

  • JoshuaNorton

    After that, he tried to give him a drink order.

    • baconzgood

      M-Effer, I want more iced tea!!!!!!

  • Tundra Grifter

    Memo to Mr. Melvin: The good news is you don't have to play a sport to be one…

  • dox[acted]

    Uh, George? The point is that you didn't ask him if he played sports. You just figured he didn't look like the mathlete type.

    • Cy_GUy

      Right, part of his brain is telling him that – oh, this guy is balck, this guy also went to College. For those both to be true – he must have gotten into college because he played sports – not because he had good grades and his family valued the importance of a college education.

  • Ducksworthy

    Do some of that ole' soft shoe.

    • AJW@[redacted]

      De Camptown Ladies?

  • I see all that sensitivity training has paid off.

  • To all the short Black men he says "Would you freshen up my drink for me, boy?"

  • metamarcisf

    Best headline of the day (Foxnews):

    "Dissident Group Says Iran Has Secert Nuke Facility"

    • baconzgood

      Worked for Iraq and thier dissidents….Oh shit wait, it didn't.

  • SorosBot

    Hey Ms. Kim, you done with my dry cleaning yet?

    So Tony, who's your family's Don?

  • DownFist Troll

    Mehh, i'm feeling lazy, someone throw something together about receiving positions and Lindsey Graham.

  • SheriffRoscoe

    He should have said "piano." Would have blown his motherfucking mind.

    • XOhioan

      "First viola"

      • MiniMencken

        Fluffer.

    • not that Dewey

      I love you.

  • Not_So_Much

    It's probable that he was trained from an early age to carry a football at all times so he had a ready excuse for the very necessary helmet that he also wore at all times.

    • Gleem_McShineys

      "HAVE YOU THEEN MA FOOTBAH!"

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    Hey, Brian, how many DUI's have you amassed since getting that sweet job in Wisconsin?

  • fuflans

    to be fair, george has been asked more than once about his famous father opening doors for him.

    oh wait, what?

  • Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum

    I'm also sorry if my assumptions you had rhythm and a big dick offended you in any way.

  • The correct response would have been "WHAT'S UP WITH THE FUCKING NOOSE IN YOUR OFFICE YOU MOTHERFUCKING CRACKER??!!!?"

  • jus_wonderin

    Aidan, are you drunk right now?

    • CliveWarren

      Liam, my buddy, my pal… Are you and you're family OK, you know, potato-wise?

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    What do you want George Allen to do? It is not like he has that many points in common with black people. What else can he ask? Can you give me a spit shine? Do you know where there is some good fried chicken and watermelon? Do you have a birth certificate? There are only so many questions that a black man can be expected to answer!

  • fuflans

    also: remember that weird allen family picture? i think that had a football too.

    but! 2012 is shaping up to be a grand old time in the gop.

  • Moonbatting Average

    Well, c'mon now, they do all kinda look alike.

    Reporters, that is. What?

  • SheriffRoscoe

    In honor of George Allen, I'm going to spend the rest of the day asking obese women when they're due.

    • not that Dewey

      Reminds me of a funny story.

      I was going to pay the rent on my storage locker, and I recognized the woman at the counter from my softball team. I knew she had a kid about the same age as mine, so I asked "How's your baby doing?"

      She replied, "he's in heaven".

      It was the most awkward 15 minutes I ever spent writing a check, and I've never asked a parent about his/her kid since. Worst thing you can do.

  • CliveWarren

    Jim-Bob, long time no see… Has the nascar been running smoothly? And how is your sister-brother doing?

  • owhatever

    George: Is it asking too much for you to keep your mouth shut?

  • George's Twitter bio: A common-sense Jeffersonian conservative, George Allen is guided by the “Four F’s” that have shaped his entire life: Family, Faith, Freedom and Football.

    How does Sally Hemings fit into the whole Jeffersonian conservative thing?

    • __kth__

      4F, also the draft status he cadged so he wouldn't have to get shot (not verified)

    • anniegetyerfun

      She was a treasured friend of Jefferson, and it proves that he loved black people.

      • LesBontemps

        Repeatedly.

  • Redhead

    McCain/Allen '12? Neither one will even notice when the other forgets something!

    • anniegetyerfun

      This is good news for John McCain… wait, that actually MIGHT be good news for John McCain.

  • BZ1

    Did he also ask if he danced well and liked rap?

  • Beetagger

    That's funny because Rick Sanchez is now mowing my lawn. He takes long breaks to blog for HuffPo. Slacker.

    • KeepFnThatChicken

      Wow, how far he's fallen. But I guess it's better than sucking dick for coke.

      • not that Dewey

        But not by much.

  • Given the current state of political discussion macaca is no longer a campaign killer. If the same guy from 2006 showed up to tape a speech and Allen said "This fellow with the yellow shirt, Paki, Raghead, Swami, Mr. Wog, where did you park your cab?" it would be called mobilizing the base.

  • sezme

    Actually, the only way to punctuate those sentences so that they make sense: Grew up in [a] football. [My] family found sports banter [a] good way to connect.

    See, when you're talking to a football (which your family member is inside of) sports banter might be a good way to bridge the gap.

  • mereoblivion

    When he said "banter" he meant "Bantu."

  • [redacted]hse

    "So what's with that, Melvin? No sports? Y'all QUEER?"

  • Tommmcattt

    I'm all horny now.

  • EdFlintstone

    I would of gone with "doggy style, with your wife".

  • MistaEko

    See, guys? That's what he asks all surveyor's marks

  • undeterredbyreality

    I keep asking fat women when the baby's due. Does that make me a bad person?

    • anniegetyerfun

      Might make you a flat person, if you don't watch out.

  • MiniMencken

    Fortunately for me, there are no named positions on a polo team. Makes it more democratic, don't you think?

  • anniegetyerfun

    So, is Melvin like Toofer from 30 Rock? Because that would be kind of funny.

  • anniegetyerfun

    didn't mean 2 cauz offense – grew up in laundry family but now need advice on how 2 bleach my sheets

  • Hit the golden showers!

  • hagajim

    He keeps hoping he'll say wide receiver wink, wink

  • To be fair to Allen, I always find myself asking Republican men if they've seen any good gladiator films.

  • widget2011

    Apparently, george allen was raised by a "Bag of Dicks" smothered in santorum sauce.

  • Hey Stavros, how's the poop chute?

    Hey Lucien, still HIV negative?

    Hey Father Flannagan, gettin' any?

  • "Athletic" is the new "Urban."

  • Jukesgrrl

    … and then he invited Mr. Melvin over to see the noose in his office.

  • undeadgoat

    Here is how I make conversation with people about, e.g. sports: "Did you ever play any sports?" Or rather how I would, if I personally had more sporting experience than one season of youth soccer . . .

  • not that Dewey

    My canned response was "I'm a musician. Why do I need to play basketball?"

  • not that Dewey

    Yes, if "long-term" means "prior to January, 2009".

  • not that Dewey

    So, Huckabee. Is my fried squirrel warm yet?

  • Just tell him that you played Quarterfront.

  • not that Dewey

    Or maybe “football family” means he was literally raised by a bag of footballs?

    I assumed it meant that he was used as a football by his family. That would explain so much.

  • Negropolis

    Oh boy, if I don't ever know this question. I didn't ever play organized sports, either, but it was always "you play/like basketball, don't you?"

    And, we're all familiar with the socially/emotionally-stunted jocks that can only relate to other dudes through sports.

  • Negropolis

    It sounded like a come-on, to me.

  • Negropolis

    Shorter George Allen: "May I touch your hair?"

    BTW, has George embraced his Jewish heritage, yet? The last time around he was bragging about loving pork chops when asked about it. Douchebag.

  • Poindexter718

    So tell me George, what NAMBLA chapter do you belong to? …
    …Wuh? iz how I break the ice…

  • Troubledog

    I grew up in a racist football family, and found that sports are the only thing I have in common with black people banter is a good way to connect when I am forced to talk to blacks."

  • tessiee

    "Can you Rap for me?"

    *raps him in the head*

  • At least he is clean, well-spoken and doesn't have a Negro dialect so maybe we can skip the "no sports" stuff.

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