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Washington is usually such a lively place, with its rats and whores and millionaires and non-essential government employees. How will D.C. change when the Federal Government actually shuts down forever Friday at Midnight? Maybe you like the socialist safety and security of your paycheck and don’t care for this unpaid, forced spring break? Or maybe you’re excited that this has the potential to be as much fun as snowmageddon, only without the snow and the paid time off? The reality for D.C. is rather unpleasant: No trash pick up,  no fixing the potholes, government workers struggling to survive without their BlackBerrys, and thousands of tourists on Segway tours to nowhere because all the attractions are shut down. Other than dumping your trash in front of Boenher’s house, here are some suggestions for how to make it though the Shutdown.

About 11 percent of the Washington metropolitan area workforce is employed by the U.S. government, and about a third of D.C.’s economy is dependent upon it. This shutdown will be the closest D.C. has come to feeling the great recessions. It’s also a great excuse to enjoy some booze-y free-for-alls.

  • Shutdown Specials: The main difference between this shutdown and the snow days isn’t the desire to drink heavily, it’s the lack of a paycheck to fund the drinking. Recognizing that furloughed employees will only be able to waterboard themselves with vodka if the drinks are cheap, many restaurants are offering Shutdown Specials. If a shutdown actually happens, you can expect discounts at the Pug, Room 11, Radius Pizza and Lounge 201 — if you can show your government ID. Union Pub will be offering penny house drafts, Monday through Friday from 5PM-6PM with your Congressional ID and Pound will be offering a “Keep ’em Fed” discount of 25% off of all food for government employees.
  • Happy Hours: Most happy hours in this city start at 3PM and end by 7PM, leaving only an hour or so after work to be “happy.” But now furlough employees can enjoy happy hours that have previously only been accessible to night-shifters and unemployed alcoholics. Try the Happy Hours at the Mighty Pintstarting at 11AM, Firefly at 4PM, Masa 14 at 5PM, Laughing Man at 3PM, and Iron Horse at 4PM.
  • Food trucks: Employed people have to sacrifice precious time at the office downloading porn to wait in line to be served cheese, tacos or pasta from a truck. But now that you’re non-essential, you can meet the trucks right when they park, so as not have to waste your day waiting in line for food.
  • Walk around the Mall and the Tidal Basin: The Cherry Blossom parade and Kite Festival will probably be canceled if there’s a shutdown, but the Mall and the Tidal Basin will still be “open.” And you can fly a kite on the Mall on Sunday, even if it isn’t a Cherry Blossom sanctioned activity.
  • Farmers Market: Without a paycheck you may be tempted to forgo buying organic, locally grown whatnot from the Farmers Market and settle instead for genetically modified vegetables and cheese clusters, but this is letting the Republicans win. Besides, wandering around the Farmers Market is a free activity and you should be able to have enough samples to hold you over for at least a little while. The Dupont Circle Farmers recently expanded and now opens at 8:30AM on Sunday.
  • Corcoran Gallery of Art: If the government shuts down, the Corcoran will offer free coffee and refreshments in its cafe, as well as free admission for government employees with ID. If the shutdown is an excuse for you to enjoy D.C. culture, try the Agony and Ecstasy of Steve Jobs at the Woolly Mammoth Theater — there are often cheap tickets available for those under 35.
  • There is a bar in the Reason magazine offices, and libertarians love anarchy and violence. So invite yourself inside and help yourself to whatever looks good … booze, computers, people’s wallets, etc.

Sure, no one will have any money, there will be trash everywhere, the city will smell, and the tourists will be bored without monuments to erratically circle. But the impending anarchy and lawlessness that will soon overwhelm D.C. could be great! At least there will be cheap booze! During this trying time, if you see a government worker, buy him or her a drink. If they start complaining about life without a BlackBerry, go ahead and hit them. Total anarchy!

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  • m_supercomputer

    As a non-fed who nonetheless works in DC, I'm wondering if Metro will still run. Hm. I could Google it, I guess, but does anyone here happen to know already?

    • Cicada

      It will be running.

      • Thurman Munster IV

        As well as it always does. Stay away from the Red Line!

    • finallyhappy

      Metro will run but with fewer cars per train – This is what I heard on WTOP several times today.

    • Come here a minute

      It will lose tons of money — thanks Boner!

    • UncleThirsty

      It will be running but may have fewer cars or less frequent stops during rush hour. They're currently looking at the 95-96 model of the shutdown for tips.

  • Sophist [غني عن ذلك]

    Oh no! With so much of DC unemployed, who will support the pork- and quirk-based economic sectors! Those mason jars of beer ain't gonna overpay for themselves yanno.

  • Limeylizzie
    • Cicada

      Poop.

    • poncho_pilot

      maybe i'm just cynical after so many odd things turning up in elections these days but…

      • MarshallBanana

        I agree. I was just waiting for the inevitable "oops, turns out Prosser won after all" story.

        We are all doomed.

    • DashboardBuddha

      Aaaaand there goes my boner.

      • Limeylizzie

        I never thought that I would be the one responsible for that, I apologise from the bottom of my heart, the heart that lies beneath my tissue-thin, wispy lingerie..

        • DashboardBuddha

          aaaaand…my boner's back.

          • Barbara_i

            Yay!

          • Limeylizzie

            Oh good, Barbara and I were about to do some crazy girl on girl action, just for the good of Wonkette you understand.

          • V572..whatever

            Could you just speculate about what it might have been like, in case we need to refer to this later? Just 3-4,000 words ought to be enough.

          • Barbara_i

            Trust me, it would take only about 150 words.

    • someone call Ken Layne!

      • Limeylizzie

        Apparently it is true and the woman responsible has somewhat of a habit of doing this.

        • mumbly_ジョジョ

          Yeah. And she apparently made it a particular point to keep the voter returns on her personal computer in her office? And "found" exactly enough votes for Prosser to avoid a recount? Yeah, nothing fishy about that, at all. Besides, every knows that voter fraud only happens in negro very very urban, and also liberal districts, and so we should really just consider the matter resolved, without needing any further investigation.

    • SudsMcKenzie

      I still have my Green Bay Packer Super Bowl Victory. That will hold me for a decade.

    • Beowoof

      There is douchebaggery afoot here.

    • glamourdammerung

      Good thing John Fund was going on about fraud in this election so the conservatives will support looking into this.

    • HistoriCat

      Well, the WSJ was complaining about voter fraud – I just didn't know they were so good at foreshadowing.

    • Kloppenburg had been gaining votes with the canvas all morning and afternoon. http://elections.wispolitics.com/ Also, Kloppenburg's campaign writes this:

      "Wisconsin voters as well as the Kloppenburg for Justice Campaign deserve a full explanation of how and why these 14,000 votes from an entire City were missed. To that end, we will be filing open records requests for all relevant documentation related to the reporting of election results in Waukesha County"

      we may have to pitch in for a recount.

    • this is just too suspicious: "The votes that David Prosser netted out of Waukesha County could mean JoAnne Kloppenburg would have to pay for a recount.

      Under state law, a candidate can request a recount and not have to pay for it if the margin is within one half of 1 percent of the overall vote.

      The initial tally from The Associated Press had 1,479,976 votes cast, though that number is going to fluctuate as the canvasses come in. One half of 1 percent of that total is roughly 7,400 votes.

      Between one half of 1 percent and 2 percent, the cost to the candidate is $5 per ward. If the difference is more than 2 percent, the candidate requesting the recount has to pay for all of the costs."

      how did they "find" just the right number of votes?

    • GOPCrusher

      Anytime I read Republican county finds thousands of uncounted votes, my Bullshit senses start tingling.

  • Tommmcattt

    I knew downfist bitch was a loser, but trolling a lifestyle puff piece?

    Pathetic.

    • Cicada

      Every second spent down-fisting is a second not spent raping goats. We're providing a service here, really.

      • ChessieNefercat

        Lucky goats!

      • unclejeems

        Buzz on, Cicada!

  • Barbara_i

    What will happen if the House gym closes and Boenher can't shower at work?
    I wish these morons would be less concerned about not having the luxury of showering at work and worry more about the backbone of this country, the people who have to shower AFTER they get home from work, due to dirt, sweat and the fact that they actually do something gritty.

  • SayItWithWookies

    My prediction: they'll shut down for one day, which'll be enough for Boehner to appease his teabagger wing, the Republicans will declare victory, the budget will pass and then we get to hear the GOP prance around calling themselves statesmanlike for two weeks.

    • HistoriCat

      To quote the cockroach from Bloom County "a statesman is a dead politician. You know, we could use some more statesmen."

  • poncho_pilot

    so this government shutdown is like the trailer for libertopia, right?

    "this summer. Somalia's got nothing on Merika."

  • BlueStateLibel

    Just think of it as a dress rehearsal for the coming peasant revolt, without the firing troops and thousands of dying and wounded. Now didn't I make you feel better already?

  • Sounds like the non-essential government employees will be soaking up all the booze. The unemployed alcoholics will be unimpressed.

  • owhatever

    There will be serious conversations around the assisted living center when the olds finally notice that damn gummint check ain't arrived, and Miss Betty in administration wants the bill paid.

    • tessiee

      Meh *shrug* It's not like old people vote or anything.

  • iburl

    Even though the GOP's side are the ones massing in rallies and actually chanting "Shut it Down! Shut it Down!" This will all somehow be the Lyin' African's fault.

    Teabagging: It's like being an alchemist, but instead of changing Lead into Gold, you turn Total Bullshit into Indisputable Truth.

    • MarshallBanana

      It is somehow far more effective than alchemy was, though. If you have no scruples you can do nearly anything.

  • BZ1

    Congress and the Senate will also have their salaries frozen, sure…

  • Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum

    OK, I can do without a paycheck, garbage collection, my Blackberries, etc. But what about my USDA choice buttsecks?

    • PsycWench

      The rent boys will be cutting some serious deals once their major customers have to scale back.

  • DahBoner

    "There is a bar in the Reason magazine offices…"

    Well, there's nothing like the feeling of "reason" you get after killing your neurons with powerful neurotoxins, like alcohol…

  • OneYieldRegular

    Heckuva way to create jobs, Boehnie!

    • V572..whatever

      He's expanding the pool of available workers!

  • Gift wrap your garbage and leave it on the stoop.

    Note to thieves: When you find that the neatly wrapped package that you have just stolen is nothing but a box of garbage please deliver to the Speaker of the House's Office at East Capitol Street, NE and 1st Street, NE, Washington, DC 20002

  • MinAgain

    I dunno. I kinda like the idea of dumping trash in front of Boehner's house. But only orange trash, naturally.

  • finallyhappy

    The speakers today at the rally said where are the jobs – why is this all about ideological stuff(ok, they said it better)? Cut the subsidies to the wealthy and to the DOD.

  • Pragmatist2

    ARe you joking? You know the shtick in "Office Space" where the guy keeps going to work years after he was fired? That's DC on Monday.

  • Limeylizzie

    Likewise, baby!

    • Barbara_i

      Only if the guys can watch though.

      • anything to get us through these troubled times. you two are true American patriots.

        • DashboardBuddha

          Amen, bro…amen.

      • Limeylizzie

        I think they would be delighted to do just that!

      • V572..whatever

        In gratitude and awe, you may be assured.

  • SkinnyNerd

    Try the Happy Hours at the Mighty Pintstarting at 11AM (sic)

    This reminded me of the time I was walking down a Queens street sometime before noon and a man stumbled out of his door, wearing only boxers and slippers, to take two steps to the door of the bar located under his apartment and banged on their door and demanded that they open up now!

  • Limeylizzie

    I think Barbara is a lanky brunette, I am a curvaceous reddish/blonde..I think that is all you need to know.

    • I imagined you two as your avatars. Things got real weird, real fast. I'm not saying it didn't work. I'm just saying it was weird.

      also, too: hummina hummina hummina

      • Limeylizzie

        That would be kitten on battleaxe action then?

        • DashboardBuddha

          rowrrrr

    • "Betty White: Welcome to Peterotica on tape. I'm Betty White reading "The Hot Chick Who Was Italian or Maybe Some Kind of Spanish" by Peter Griffin. Chapter one, Oh god, you should have seen this one hot chick. She was totally Italian…or maybe some kind of Spanish."

    • HistoriCat

      I come to Wonkette for commentary on the latest political news but comments these are why I carefully peruse the comments. Upfists for all!

      • Barbara_i

        HC, I won't let the zombies get ya!

    • Barbara_i

      Tall, auburn hair, D-cup

      • V572..whatever

        It's true!

  • NorthStarSpanx

    I think Happy Hour sounds like a better alternative to going to all the Kennel's and adopting all the abandoned terriers, set them on all the rats in the parks and grill them under the blossoming trees.

    • tessiee

      How 'bout we grill Boehner under the blossoming trees?

  • Warpde

    "The reality for D.C. is rather unpleasant: No trash pick up,"
    Well that will make the rats happy.
    Can they vote?
    If they can Dem's are in trouble.
    On a serious note and I hate being serious…seriously.
    I hope the Repub's choke on it. Gag, puke, go into shock to the point they wish they were dead.
    Guess that's what you get when you shove a Boehner down your throat and try to drink Tea at the same time.

  • MarshallBanana

    This isn't on topic. I'm actually just commenting so that a fucktroll downfists it and then everybody else upfists it in commie solidarity, thus raising my overall score. It's the magic of the free market. Or something.

  • rocktonsam

    can the soldiers come home then?

  • DashboardBuddha

    Just remember my Wonketteer brothers and sisters…

    Liquor will get your through time of no money better than money will get you through times of no liquor.

  • DaRooster

    Just grab a couple of newspapers and you could probably hold out there until September… hey, less in housing costs.

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