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Don't be pee shy. It doesn't matter that he is more attractive than you. Just get the stream going. C'mon.Rand Paul may have only given up groping eyeballs in his uncertified ophthalmology dungeon a couple months ago to become a U.S. senator, but he apparently feels he knows enough about the federal government to consider running the whole joint himself. “The only decision I’ve made is I won’t run against my dad,” he reportedly said in South Carolina, which is not his home state, and is a place people generally only visit when they’re looking to relax on a mediocre beach, incite the region to secede, or, yes, run for president. What is it about running for president that won’t let any living American man, woman, child, dog, robot, or even inanimate object (“voters would rather drink a beer with this glass of beer”) ever rule out doing it? Why is everyone perpetually about to take a shot at “winning” this awful job?

USA TODAY’s Alan Gomez reports that Sen. Paul is expected to visit Iowa on April 2 and New Hampshire on April 28.

Those are also places he doesn’t live!

So it would appear Ron will stay out of the race and allow the Paultards to mutate into Paultistics or whatever we will call them. But wouldn’t it be more fun if we let the nomination process be a father-son competition this time? Politicians don’t spend enough time with their kids. This would be a great way to bond, even if the Huckabee brood makes the debate stage collapse. [USA Today]

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  • OC_xenon-133_Serf

    Rand Paul/Rand Paul 2012!!

    • Sue4466

      He did say he won't run "against" his dad, didn't say he wouldn't run "with." What a difference a preposition makes.

  • Paul/Toilet '12

    "A Taft Bathtub in every outhouse"

    • dox[acted]

      and an abortion in every backalley!

      • SexySmurf

        and a separate lunch counter for every black person!

        • user-of-owls

          and a "war-of-the-day" calendar for every voter!

          • And gold, beautiful gold for all!

  • undeterredbyreality

    Is his dad RuPaul? That would make a great race.

    • CrankyLttlCamperette

      A drag race, if you will…

    • Terry

      RuPaul is his stepmother, actually

    • user-of-owls

      Randy Has Two Daddies.

  • CrankyLttlCamperette

    The only decision I’ve made is I won’t run against my dad

    This might be the only reason I'd want Ron Paul to run (again).

    • V5¹6ª℠5½6³9•4°

      Plus the lulz, natch.

    • MegPasadena

      But he might just pick his son Randtard as his vice president.

  • memzilla

    1. Paulistas meet Palinistas.
    2. Candidates debate on Glenn Beck's new cable channel.
    3. ???
    4. GOLD PROFIT!

    • dox[acted]

      This is a real win-win for both the candidates and the people who love to make fun of them.

  • PublicLuxury

    Arrogant bastard. From curbstomping to stormtrooping. Gotta luv 'em

  • GuyClinch

    Well, he's got the weird-sentient-unruly-possibly-toupee hair vote in the bag.

    • LetUsBray

      Even if Donald Trump runs?

      • chicken_thief

        Especially if Donald Trump runs.

      • Jim89048

        Probably his real daddy, anyway…

  • dox[acted]

    Finally, a presidential candidate willing to wear the short-pants in the relationship.

  • CapeClod

    Campaign slogan: "Let's Keep the Cripples on the First Floor!"

    • CliveWarren

      Keep government out of my diner! And blacks of course.

  • His toupee will be his V.P.
    ~

    • Jim89048

      I always wondered why he wears a merkin on his head. The boy's just not right.

      • bagofmice

        A real merkin AGAINST a pubic option.

  • DaRooster

    "So it would appear Ron will stay out of the race and allow the Paultards to mutate into Paultistics or whatever we will call them."

    PaulBearers?

  • Really? Considering the awesomeness of Daddy Paul's campaign and the insanity of Randy.

    It will be Internet hilarity 2012!

  • TanzbodenKoenig

    Who will be his Secretary of Neckstomping though?

    • GuyClinch

      Any campaign volunteer will do.

      • bagofmice

        Socialist.

    • elviouslyqueer

      I hear Joe the Plumber's not busy these days.

      • genxr

        He would have his own neck-stomping business by now, but he's worried Obama will raise taxes on people who stomp more than 250,000 necks per year.

    • DownFist Troll

      Now remember, it is up to the individual to decide who's neck he wants to stomp on. not the governments.

  • randcoolcatdaddy

    I think several of the conservatives like Rand Paul and Haley Barbarella that have announced they are running or forming probing exploratory committees would make fine successors to Jefferson Davis…

    • DaRooster

      "…forming probing exploratory committees…"

      So true, so true.

      • bagofmice

        Given the username I can see why you're so cock-sure.

  • LetUsBray

    I freely admit that I would be an awful president. But I could hardly be worse than the freak show that's announced or considering doing so, I am hereby not ruling a run out either.

  • TanzbodenKoenig

    Randroid / Bachmannic Depressive 2012!

  • Oblios_Cap

    So it would appear Ron will stay out of the race and allow the Paultards to mutate into Paultistics or whatever we will call them.

    Whatever they turn into will barely be able to feed themselves, much less find the way to the voting booths. They damn sure won't have any dirigibles to reloveute.

    • James Michael Curley

      Paultistics has been running off Broadway since I was in high school. Forty four years later I continually 'try to remember' many things like did I put on underwear today?

  • Blendergoathead

    This is all a ruse to confuse the teatards – he's actually going to all these state to give free eyeball gropes to the poor, but can't sacrifice is shithead cred.

  • 教授 Zoom

    Aqua Buddha / Aquaman / Aqua Velva 2012!

    • bagofmice

      So that's the Rand/Mitt/Fred Thompson ticket then?

    • horsedreamer_1

      Today we are all Barbie Girls.

  • The list of idiots/assholes not running for the Republikkkan nomination for President approaches zero.

    When does John McCain announce his campaign?

    • chicken_thief

      Right after they build the danged fence!

    • Rad-T

      Wait, he's got another sociopathic grifter to pluck from obscurity for the VP nod.

  • hagajim

    Why is it that these fucktards who hate the entire idea of gubmint keep spending all their time running for gubmint positions? Seems to be a little ass backwards if you ask me.

    • OneDollarJuana

      This has been the pattern on the Right for the last three decades. "Government is the problem! Get rid of the government! I am spending millions of dollars to get into the government so I can dismantle it! But I will actually make it bigger!"

    • baconzgood

      Or how about "getting rid of the D.C. Fat Cats" then giving themselves a nice juicy raise.

      • CrankyLttlCamperette

        By "D.C. Fat Cats" they mean actual citizens of DC. Because we just thrive on the government dole…

      • horsedreamer_1

        Hey! Valerie Cass deserves that job.

    • tessiee

      I don't know; but I, personally, would not take my car to a mechanic who believes that cars are the problem.

  • metamarcisf

    Obviously, Rand Paul's VP choice will be Charles Krauthammer. His supporters wouldn't stand for anything less.

    • LesBontemps

      But what will Krauthammer stand for?

      Mein Fuhrer, I can walk!

      • ShaveTheWhales

        And, does the Kraut actually need a supporter?

  • CliveWarren

    I guess he is sort of for legalization of marijuana. So…

    Paul / Pot 2012?

    • GuyClinch

      Has a nice Cambodian ring to it….

      • CliveWarren

        Guess who else hates "intellectuals" i.e. people with bad eysight?

    • OneDollarJuana

      As an "opthalmologist" Rand Paul has to support medical marijuana for its beneficial effects on glaucoma. Unless he's not ethical, I mean.

    • WhatTheHeck

      So that would give him a pot to piss in.

    • user-of-owls

      Paul / Pot Year Zero!

    • SorosBot

      But Aquaman is a half-breed sekret American human who won't show the good merfolk of Atlantis his birt sertifikate!

  • GuyClinch

    Hey, let's all welcome "Biden: Impeach Obama" on board here as our newest downfister and page-view enhancer!

  • OurHoboSenator

    Does he have a blimp? I can't take him seriously as a Presidential candidate unless he has a blimp.

    • baconzgood

      What about a dirigible?

    • Weenus299

      He'll be running against Huckleberree. Would that count?

    • kissawookiee

      Given that much of his support is coming from Kentucky Teatardlandia, I'd say a blimp shortage is not a problem he'll have to deal with.

  • Chillwaver

    As a President, he would make one hell of an Ophthalmologist.

    • Terry

      Recall that he couldn't qualify for certification by the main ophthalmological association and had to create his own association.

      As a President, he would make one hell of a waste of protoplasm.

  • LesBontemps

    Finally, a Republican who will run openly on repeal of the Civil Rights Act.

    • SorosBot

      Goldwater did before, and that worked out very well – for LBJ.

  • Texan_Bulldog

    Looks like someone REALLY doesn't want to go back to Kentucky–and who can blame him?!

  • SorosBot

    Remember how a lot of the conservatives claimed Obama was too inexperienced and "arrogant" (AKA uppity) for thinking he could for President after only four years in the Senate, ignoring his years in the Illinois Senate?

    Somehow I don't see them saying this about Paul, who will only have two years in the Senate in 2012, no previous political experience, as is saying this after two months as a Senator.

    • LesBontemps

      What do you mean? He's been President of Ophthalmology for years!

    • Terry

      …Or Miz Thang who was in her first term as governor and before that had only been a small town mayor who left that town in deep debt and with legal troubles.

      • SorosBot

        But that was "executive experience" so it somehow is more relevant; never mind that Obama's old state senate district had more people that the snowbilly's entire empty frozen wasteland.

      • If you are infused with the spirit of Reagan, who needs experience?

        They just need a good pimp to help them peddle their ass for enough money to get elected. The Koch syndicate will handle it from there.

    • chicken_thief

      But he's a Real "Mericun from "Meriku with "Mericun valuez, galldernit! Kentuckians is doin jes fine, thank you very much, and don't need no more danged revenue from corporations.

    • kissawookiee

      White people accumulate gravitas in dog years, obvs.

    • tessiee

      Well, there's yer campaign slogan right there: "Rand Paul: Arrogance that's not, you know, all black and stuff".

    • genxr

      I'm withholding judgment until he undergoes certification by an official-sounding board or experience judging.

  • prommie

    Why would he run for president of the "lamestream" US Government, when he could just announce that he is forming a new US government, and appointing himself President? The same kinda thing he did when he founded the American Association of Rand Paul is an Opthalmologist.

  • baconzgood

    Paul/Aqua Budda 2012!

  • V5¹6ª℠5½6³9•4°

    Slave labor built a beautiful city in Charleston, so there's that besides the beaches.

  • DaRooster

    One plus of all these slimy maggots running against each other is that we will get to watch as they ferociously attack each other with some of the sleaziest rhetoric ever…
    Barkeep, another round for us all. (And just put it on my tab… the gubmint will take care of that)

  • baconzgood

    OH BOY! Is it just me or does everyone think this Republican Primary is going to be a clusterfuck of the retarded?

    • Trinket

      It's gonna be SO AWESOME!

  • bagofmice

    There's a fellow named George that might have a thing or three to say about Heritability vis-a-vis leadership positions and the American continent.

  • arihaya

    he need to gaind several hundred pounds of body weight and faux-drawl to be acceptable to the base

    • Callyson

      He can listen to T-Paw for the faux-drawl. As for the weight gain, Limpballsor Victoria Jacksonotfunny are experts there.

  • Limeylizzie

    I have another, or possibly the same, asshole of the Teabagging persuasion following me. Anyone else?

    • Cicada

      It's the same guy. He just changes his name, because herp derp.

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      Yeah, I think I remember seeing that notification. It's the second or third fuckstick follower I've gained in the past few weeks. Can't Ken spray or fumigate or something?

      • natoslug

        Followers == more viewers == more page clicks. Encouraging the fuckwits to stick around and click through is actually good for the Wonkette's bottom line. And yes, I'm talking about money, not Riley's ass. Although I'm sure a moneymaking Wonkette is good for Riley's ass, although pimping the poor boy out to Breitbart isn't. Ken covered this last week. Did you fall asleep in class again?

        • GunToting[Redacted]

          *hangs head* Yes sir or ma'am…

    • Imagine this guy, changing his name, and refollowing everyone. Then downfisting all these comments all day.

      This is a sign of a deeply disturbed person.

    • Callyson

      Me too! WTF with that–are they going to put together a big expose, O'Keefe style? News flash: Wonkette readers say mean things about us idiotic wingnuts. Film at 11.

      • user-of-owls

        De-Fund Wonkette Now!

  • elviouslyqueer

    Golden showers for everyone!

  • OneDollarJuana

    Paul created a board to certify himself as an ophthalmologist. Why doesn't he just create his own electoral college to "elect" him as President? He could include his wife and his wigmaker, too.

    • Our forefathers made do with wigs of wood! Do the same if you love your country Rand Paul!

    • genxr

      The National College of Electorals?

  • chicken_thief

    Rand and his wig look really into that golden shower. Clearly he is a true Republican.

  • Weenus299

    E-LOVE-UTION!

  • El Pinche

    Rand Paul/ Head Ferret 2012 !!
    The GOP primary is looking like a lovely festival of retards.

  • ttommyunger

    Great! Another young idiot with zero real life experience and up to his armpits in daddy issues seeking the Presidency. What could possibly go wrong?

    • PublicLuxury

      And just WHERE are they supposed to get the experience? We have to hire somebody. No experience is the new black… with outsourcing and unemployment everybody's wearing it. Should we outsource the job to… oh I dunno, China? Libya? Afghanistan? Mississippi?

      • ttommyunger

        Good question. I wouldn't hire the goofy-looking fuck to cut my lawn.

  • Guess that means he's not enjoying senatoring all that much…

  • Guppy06

    Personally, when I think South Carolina, I think Appalachian Trail.

  • el_donaldo

    Fucking libertarians. They're not the only group that believes real world knowledge and experience would only dilute their ideological purity, but they're the ones that are the most dickish about it.

    • tessiee

      Somewhat related question: Why is it that everyone I've met who describes themselves as an "independent" or a "libertarian" then goes on to recite the Reptilian talking points verbatim? Is it me? It's me, isn't it?

      • TanzbodenKoenig

        It's not you, it's your librul soshulist hatred for Freedumbs and the 'Merkin way

  • ttommyunger

    Still enjoying the afterglow, aren't we?

  • DownFist Troll

    Rand Paul: Hey! some bitch with my name wrote a book that says this libertarian voodoo shit really works! Let's do it!

  • Cat_Damon

    This is good news for Barack Hussein Obama.

  • PublicLuxury

    There is a mold spore in my refrigerator that has formed an exploratory committee. Perhaps it can run with Rand.

    Spore/Paul 2012

    • glamourdammerung

      Nice try, libtard.

      Refrigeration is not in the Constitution.

  • user-of-owls

    There is at least one person that won't be running for President: Admiral James Bond Stockdale. Why?

    1) Is Dead.
    2) Too Intellectual.
    c) Didn't you read #1?

    • horsedreamer_1

      Thus, why GRIDLOCK will continue to be the order of the day.

  • user-of-owls

    Well, that confirms it…everyone is running for president. I just saw a yard sign that said:

    "Paul/ShortsShortsShorts 2012"

    • Tommmcatt

      Whatever happened to Shorts anyway? Did he succumb to the fast-lane lifestyle of a rising commentariat superstar? All the glamor, drugs, and group sex is hard to resist…

      • Gopherit

        I think you're not too far off with that.

  • nounverb911

    "PEOPLE IN THE MARKET FOR BLIMPS"
    I see Rand Paul as more of a Hindenburg than anything else.

  • Pragmatist2

    "Living"??? he's not living. He's a character from a novel by Ayn Paul.

  • Anybody can declare himself a candidate, then bombard the base with begging bromides all about being on the Short List for the Booker. At least it should raise the speaking fees – for Ayn Rand Paul, maybe up to five bux a shot.

  • Gopherit

    You may lose your main competition, Rand. It seems Sarah might think the presidency is beneath her: http://tpmdc.talkingpointsmemo.com/2011/03/the-ne

    • SorosBot

      In other words, running would include too much work for not enough profit.

    • James Michael Curley

      Hey, Brietfart! Oprah is powerful? Can she get you out of Gitmo? Can she even get you in?

      • horsedreamer_1

        She's also black.

  • mourningnmerica

    Oh, good. I was getting tired of sharing public restrooms with Blacks and Mexicans.

  • GeorgiaBurning

    These folks are looking ahead. "President" will soon be the only government job allowed to have a decent retirement plan.

  • I'm not ruling out running against Rand, and all the speculation is scurrilous.

  • Slim_Pickins

    Brainwashed by his dad at an early age, Rand Paul IS the Libertarian Candidate.

  • Tommmcatt

    If Paul is on the ticket it is Inanimate Carbon Rod/Inanimate Carbon Tool

  • He was endorsed by Gun Owners of America and Sarah Palin for the Senate and serves on Committee on Homeland Security. He may not run, he'll just seize office.

  • Ducksworthy

    Jack, Thank you for saying all "living" beings instead of all "sentient" beings. Although the GOP is unaware of it, there's a subtle but important difference.

  • PublicLuxury

    Is that Muscular American Jesus pissing on the Constitution from the sidelines? The holy spray.

  • I am confused by the golden showers thingie in the blingee. Is there something about young Rand that I don't know?

  • Ugh

    "Paultistics"

    This needs to catch on so bad. Wonkette minted "Paultards", we can do it again!

  • sistermoon51

    Bachman, Palin, Bolton, Trump and Paul??? On the same debate stage??? This is going to be epic comedy gold.

    I can't wait!!!

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