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LookLast week we arbitrarily boozed up to celebrate Mardi Gras boobies, and tonight we arbitrarily drink to celebrate the Patron Saint of Kegs and Eggs. Yes, it is St. Patrick’s Day, the holiest of holy drinking holidays when we honor the ancient Irish traditions of wearing green thongs, binge drinking, and pinching people’s privates. Go forth and enjoy some green beer until you puke, for Ireland.

If you did not give up drinking or the color green for Lent, enjoy some stouts and Shepherd’s Pie at one of these institutions:

  • Sign of the Whale: If your employer recognizes just how holy this day is and allows you spend the entire day three sheets to the wind instead of doing whatever it is you normally do in your cubicle from 9-5, head to Sign of the Whale. Their celebration started at 11AM and their specials include $3 Guinness and $3 whiskey, plus Irish Car Bombs, green beer, and people playing the bagpipes. Yep, bagpipes. Should you happen to be Dennis Kucinich or wearing your Leprechaun costume, the Best Leprechaun Look-Alike will have their bar tab paid. [Sign of the Whale]
  • Againn: If you have a more mature understanding of St. Patrick’s Day — that is, you don’t associate it with being sloppy drunk — your best bet is to celebrate at Againn, a Gastropub in Downtown DC. Their outdoor bar will be open, and they will have a special pub menu with deals on Irish drinks and happy hour pricing ALL day. [Againn]
  • Duffy’s Irish Pub: Celebrating St. Patrick’s Day with actual Irish people is about as easy as celebrating Cinco De Mayo with (not being served by) Mexicans. But, if an authentic-y St. Patrick’s Day is what you desire, head to Duffy’s where there will be a performance by dancers from the Culkin School of Irish dance, as well as music from the band Points of Roguery. Duffy’s specials include $2 Green Jello shooters and $5 green beer. The fun starts at 1PM. [Duffy’s Irish Pub]
  • P.J. Clarke’s: If you need some New York in your St. Paddy’s Day celebration, head to P.J. Clarke’s new DC location. They’re offering Guinness and Jameson specials, as well as a menu of traditional Irish food. And, as every event centered around drinking *must* have a charity element (because you wouldn’t drink unless someone somewhere benefits from your boozing?), a portion of the day’s proceeds will benefit the National Law Enforcement Officers Memorial Fund. [P.J. Clarke’s]
  • Policy: The celebration at this lounge-y restaurant is a leprechaun-infested boozey-free-for-all. From 8PM-10PM, they will be offering all-you-can-drink Guinness for just $5. At 11PM, they are going to attempt the world’s largest simultaneous Irish Car Bomb, for the records. Yay! [Policy]

There are a thousand other things happening in this city tonight to celebrate this Holy Day, and it’s impossible to list all of them, so here’s a hint: Go to any bar with Mc, Pub, or four in the name and prepare for lots of Guinness, corned beef and green beads.

If you end up three sheets to the wind dancing on a bar with a leprechaun lookalike, too drunk to make it home on your own, the Washington Regional Alcohol Program is offering a St. Patrick’s Day Sober Ride service. Call 800-200-8294 for a free ride home (up to a $30 fare). Metro will also be staying open until 1AM tonight. Happy Boozing!

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  • Barbara_i

    Erin go braghless!

  • I'm going to celebrate by eating a whole box of Lucky Charms with a bottle Jamesons. Then when the Diabeetus 2 and alcohol poisoning kicks in then I'm going to barf green clovers, yellow moons, etc.

    • Mumbletypeg

      ..orange stars…

      I forget what was pink (hearts?) but I remember when they added the blue diamonds.

      /filed under: Certifiably Oldz

      • SorosBot

        I didn't know those were added; I do remember them adding the purple horseshoes and red balloons; in 1989, with the reference six years out of date.

        • It was when they added the black dildos that I realized how out of touch I had become.

  • Crank_Tango

    God I hate this fucking holiday.

    • DownFist Troll

      Blasphemy!

    • ChessieNefercat

      I'm sorry. Why do you hate it and can we make you feel better?

      • Crank_Tango

        well you just might be able to make me feel better…

        LOL my biggest peeves are
        1 amateur night
        2 everyone is irish
        3 weekday drinking holiday.

        If this were a holiday for any other ethnic group, they would be offended by it.

        anyway, i am going to go back to taking my green antibiotics (for a tooth infuction) and smoke a little green and I should be ok.

        also
        4. green beer.

        • ChessieNefercat

          Aw, take all your meds and feel better soon.And of course, you are right about any other ethnic group being offended (“Fighting Irish” mascot, anyone?).

        • bflrtsplk

          5. It sucks not being able to drink alone.

  • jus_wonderin

    I am drunk on the inside.

    • natoslug

      'cuz drunk is how you feel on the outside?

  • OneDollarJuana

    Drunk yet? Jeebus Christmas! It's not even noon yet. And I still have to get my kid from school. Give me few minutes after I get home for Pat's sake!

  • Bonzos_Bed_Time

    $3 Guinness, whiskey and ICBs… If only I didn't live on the Mad Max nuclear wasteland side of the country.

    • jus_wonderin

      Do you live out beyond Thunderdome. Or in the burbs?

      • Bonzos_Bed_Time

        Well if you consider a hole in the side of a hill the burbs, then yes, yes I do. But I am studying for my gyrocopter piloting and snake handling licenses!

    • poncho_pilot

      i got excited. i thought it said ICBMs…eh, i'll have to wait till the gun show i guess :(

      • Bonzos_Bed_Time

        We all have our cross to carry. Sarah Palin obviously more than others.

    • natoslug

      I'm picking up a growler of Blarney Stout (standard oatmeal stout, with nitrogen to give it happy little bubbles) from the local brewery tonight, then holding it up outside for a while to see if I can get it to glow green from the fallout.

      • Bonzos_Bed_Time

        The luck of the Irish!

  • SorosBot

    As is my tradition on St. Patrick's Day, I'm wearing orange and avoiding the bars like a plague of obnoxious drunks.

    • neiltheblaze

      I'll never forget the year that I spaced it and actually wore a green shirt. Everybody thought I was doing it for St. Patrick's Day, but it was a total coincidence. This year, I was sure to wear black.

  • nounverb911

    I always loved the fact that New York has a parade for me on my birthday.

    • jus_wonderin

      HB!!

    • Jim89048

      Happy birthday, and remember–you can't drink all day if you don't start in the morning!

    • WriteyWriterton

      H bidet!

    • freakishlywrong

      A fist for you on your b'day!

    • neiltheblaze

      Happy New Year!

      • neiltheblaze

        I just gotta say – whoever is downfisting a happy birthday comment has got to be the sorriest little walking herpes scab the world has ever hatched. What a stupid little freak.

    • the_problem_child

      Happy birthday! I made you mushy peas!

  • MinAgain

    I dislike whiskey, and I loathe beer, so I'm out of the running for too drunk to stand. That said, margaritas are sorta green…

    • Crank_Tango

      marajooana, also green.

      • PocketsTheClown

        Now I know why you hate Haffy St. Pahtrissstay Occifer… cuz leprechauns are scary when ur baked.

    • elviouslyqueer

      That said, margaritas are sorta green

      Pffft. Just ask for extra limes on the side. Win-win!

  • Worst Holiday ever. Then night people drink more than they do for the rest of the year. Nothin' but a bunch of screaming and drink spilling.

    • V572625694

      Or "Amateur Night" as we serious drinkers call it. Couldn't they show a little discretion?

    • ThundercatHo

      Not the worst holiday ever because: 1) Spring is almost here so it's not held in the dead of winter 2) Irish people are cute and so are their accents 3) Despite being religious in origin that whole bit has been largely forgotten 4) No gifts 5) No decorations required 6) Other people's hangovers are funny 7) Last and most important – NO FAMILY GATHERINGS.

  • WriteyWriterton

    Can someone explain to me the purpose of the fake-curls on all the Irish step-dancer-girls? These mick-fros are inexplicable to me. (I'm married to a 1/2 Irish lady, and even she doesn't know their purpose.)

    A little help here? (I know I could Google it, but the answers here will be more entertaining. And cruder. Also, too.)

    • nounverb911
      • WriteyWriterton

        Well, hop my hamentashen!

    • It's a sort of implied drapes-and-carpet false advertising.

      • WriteyWriterton

        I, uh, um…you betcha!

    • WriteyWriterton

      From teh Wiki:

      "The reason why dancers curl their hair or wear a ringlet wig is because traditionally in Ireland girls had nicely curled ringlets, though nowadays, wearing ringlet wigs is going out of style in some feisanna in favor of letting girls and women having their natural hair.

      There's a boring explanation if ever I read one.

    • the_problem_child

      To make them look as stoopid as the dancing.

  • freakishlywrong

    I'm a fucking donkey. Red faced, curly haired, be-gin blossomed fucking harp. St. Patty's is for amateurs. The end.

  • walstib

    It's just "Amateur Night Part 2."

    Imma stay in and have some home-brew.

    You young-uns go do some stupid stuff and post it on the u-tube, I'll watch tomorrow.

  • nounverb911

    BTW, how is Rep Peter King (R-IRA) going to celebrate today?

    • mrpuma2u

      by funneling some cash to the few nasty IRA splinter groups left in Belfast, 'natch.

    • V572625694

      Fire-bombing a mosk?

    • doloras

      You know the most hilarious thing ever? Telling people like Peter King that since the mid-1970s, all the different factions calling themselves the IRA have been self-proclaimed socialists.

  • jus_wonderin

    We aren't exactly being political and downfister is back. There's quite the hate with this one.

    • fuflans

      apparently they are also anti-irish.

      • jus_wonderin

        I bet they are pro-leprecaun though as leprecaun little green hats are anus high.

      • SorosBot

        Who isn't?

    • Mumbletypeg

      Well let's offer him a good old Irish Curse. I gave my young nephew this one to take back to school w/ him when he was recovering from flu last St. Paddy's:

      "May your path to the rainbow be strewn with turtle poops,
      And the pot at the end, be filled with poodle turds."

      /Spoonerism

      • natoslug

        "May the curse of Molly Malone and her nine blind illegitimate children chase you so far over the hills of Damnation that the Lord himself can't find you with a telescope."

        My wife's been using that one on my girlfriend of late.

  • DownFist Troll

    Woohoo! An excuse to get drunk on a weeknight!

    • WriteyWriterton

      You need an excuse? I only need a bottle.

  • mrpuma2u

    Today we are all stupid drunk, green spew vomiting twenty-somethings from the suburbs.

  • hagajim

    May we all be green around the gills tomorrow from an excess of drunken debauchery…and no Republicans you can't just assfuck each other.

  • LabRodent

    What about weed? Its green and a 16 oz of weed goes way longer than a 16 oz of beer. Im just saying

  • SorosBot

    No; they're drunk, green spew vomiting fourty-somethings from the suburbs.

    • mrpuma2u

      and the green tinge in their spew (the 40 something RNC eagles) is the build up of bile from having a black POTUS for 2 years. Hey Sorosbot, been out on big government lately? It is damn scary, but fun baiting the tea-wackos.

      • SorosBot

        Just briefly, to tease the downfister and his sockpuppet; 'tis a scary, hateful place.

  • PabaBritannica

    Now I know NOT where to go!

    For the 2nd year in a row, I will be eating Thai…and then probably going to Kitty O'Shea's.

    • jus_wonderin

      Kitty O'Shea's. Is that a euphemism????

  • qwerty42

    Should you be in Savannah, it is traditional to go to Pinkie Masters for a brew or ten before and during the parade. Uncertain what you do afterward; it usually works out to something you wouldn't do usually.

  • The wife and I are going to walk down to the local pub and eat burger and hoist a few. Unfortunately I spaced out and failed to start marinating a brisket so no homemade corned beef tonight. My partially Irish wife will probably beat me in the true Irish tradition. *JOY*
    But while I’m posting I might as well complain about one the greatest abominations of this otherwise fine holiday. Green beer. Nuffsaid.

  • Bonzos_Bed_Time

    But Jesus never had to deal with a retarded child. Ha-ha, neither does she!

    • poncho_pilot

      and Palin's career came back from the dead.

      • Bonzos_Bed_Time

        But Jesus wasn't a quitter.

        • poncho_pilot

          very true. and Jesus did have his angry Howard Dean moment in the temple. yellin' and hootin' and hollerin' like a drunk sumbitch.

          all Palin's done is beat Bristol with a wire coat hanger when she didn't dance well. hit the body–not the face, Sarah Lou.

  • Bonzos_Bed_Time

    Irish Car Bomb – yum!

  • SorosBot

    This is Philly, with as many drunken Irish-Americans who love to brag about their Irishness even though you have to go back to their grand-parents to find actual Irish immigrants as Boston. I'll tell them it's for who I'm rooting for in that college basketball thingy going on right now (one of them has to wear orange, right?).

  • thefrontpage

    When is St. Patrick's Day, again? Which day is it? Isn't it on March 23rd? Or is it the 25th?

    Isn't this some cult religious pagan thing?

    Do Scientologists celebrate St. Padrick's Day? That's a cult.

  • MRCHAP

    One of my favorite holidays. Gonna get drunk like I did when O.J. was acquitted in the 90's

  • BklynIlluminati

    My son just learned that if you trap a leprechaun you get his pot of gold. He has his blocks out building traps.

  • vodkamuppet

    Am I the last Irishman on the planet who doesn't feel the need to get trashed simply because it's St. Patricks day? Im half Irish half English (hence the self loathing), third generation, and growing up I couldn't fucking stand being forced to go to the Gaelic league, listening to my drunk uncles blubber about the god damned potato famine and "the troubles" back in the old country. I'm proud of my heritage but I'm soooo sick of the cliches and misconceptions. Whenever someone wishes me the luck o' the Irish I want to knock them the fuck out with a bag of dicks. Does anyone say the luck o' the Jews? No. I'm not saying us filthy Paddys had it as bad as the Jews but we were definitely western Europes version of black people. Luck o' the Irish is the exact opposite of what this idiot fucking Hallmark holiday is marketed as. 

    And while I'm on a full blown rant at this point, leprechauns, really? My grandfather, born in Donagal, never heard of a leprechaun until Walt Disney made some shitty cartoon way back when it was okay to make blatantly racist cartoons for children. My grandfather was bad ass. Born in the old country and immigrated to the U.S. When he was 15, fought in two theatres in WWII, raised NINE GOD DAMNED KIDS, was a minor labor leader in the early 60s, told our Parrish priest to fuck off for some reason when I was 4 or 5 and taught me how to swear at the refs when they make a shitty call at the Red Wings game when I was no more than 8 years old. I owe my skilled usage of profanity and horrendous usage of basic grammar to that man. Even though our family is sorta catholic, or were a million years ago, he's the reason I wear orange pants when I march in the fucking parade, because this holiday shouldn't be about wearing green, begging for beads and getting so blackout drunk you puke in the middle of Michigan Avenue at 2:30 in the afternoon. It should be about the Irish being better than the stereotypes, showing that we are not simian, scraggly bearded, wife beating, potato slaves

    Anyway, while my dumbass uncles were getting fucking shitfaced on this sacred day of shitty beer with green shit dumped in it, my grandfather told me about the old days when the St. Pats day parade was an event that men wore their finest suits to, it was an event to show that we're not a bunch of drunken slob half human monkeys and we had power through numbers and we were rising to every level of American society. The man used to tear up when he talked about JFK. Now we have this perverse crime against Irish history as an excuse for American college kids to by a black Doctor Sues hat with a Guinness label on it cleverly matched with a green t-shirt that says "fuck me I'm Irish" and claim how authentically I Irish they are because "1/16 from over there, so I can fucking drink". Gah. 

    Fuck St. Patricks day. I'm getting drunk today for the same reason I always get drunk: I have a horrible alcohol problem and I can't sleep without tying on a buzz. That's the real luck o' the Irish.

    • natoslug

      Ah hell . . . next you'll be telling me that Lucky Charms aren't really Magically Delicious!

      • vodkamuppet

        I would never say that. Even though I'm in my 30s, I still eat childrens cereal. They only sell count chocula around Halloween now and I buy 8 boxes of it so that I have it when I accidentally get high on the elevator in my building in my lawless city of Detroit.

        • natoslug

          I haven't had Lucky Charms in years. I used to eat several boxes every weekend when I was in the army, followed by half a bottle of Glenlivet and the occasional vomiting. In retrospect, that was probably a waste of decent scotch.

    • ChessieNefercat

      I'm mostly Irish and a tad "sad-apple Dutch", which I think was a jab by my father at my mother's German side. I grew up midwest Irish-Catholic, but we weren't really into all the old sod stuff. Not a whole lot of noisy drinking in my exceedingly boring family (not that we don't sport some impressive dysfunctions!). The nuns were thrilled when JFK was elected president (and devastated when he was assassinated), and our elderly pastor frequently got on the school PA to announce another day off in celebration of Holy Saint Someone of dear and blessed memory. We were pretty excited about this, because the Publics didn't get days off like we Catholic kids, but they weren't in school until darn near the end of June either.

    • WriteyWriterton

      Dude/dudette: That was great. Especially this: "It should be about the Irish being better than the stereotypes, showing that we are not simian, scraggly bearded, wife beating, potato slaves."

  • Papa_Uniform

    Who needs a holiday to get drunk?

  • I've got a bottle of Sailor Jerry Rum sitting on top of the fridge and probably won't
    touch a drop tonight.

  • The_Great_Gazoo

    I treat the two drinking holidays as holidays from drinking. So, with St. Paddy's Day behind me, there's only 289 days left before I don't have to get shitfaced.

  • Planxty, Undertones, Stiff LIttle Fingers, early Dexy's, Bothy Band, Paul Brady, Sharon Shannon, Altan. This is all you need. Then the drinking will come naturally.

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