Really. He wanted to get away from the crushing free-lance grind for a while, so he bought a ticket to Japan. And then, the day before he left for a fun vacation with Pokemon or whatever — Jack grew up with Pokemon, he says — the worst-ever earthquake/nuclear disaster hit Japan. But, it turns out, you can still go to places even when something terrible happened. Maybe you wouldn’t have gone if you knew … but we knew a lot less on Friday.

Tokyo is still there, according to Stuef’s “twitter photo.” But good god, the horror in the north does seem to accelerate by the hour. If you feel like it, ask Jack stuff in these comments.

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  • BeWoot

    Hello Catty.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      I can haz pulitzer?

      (See ComeHereAMinute and Ken Layne comments below)

      • BeWoot

        Absolutely. I also put you, Jack, Ken and Riley in for a Nobel and the MacArthur Fellowships. You're welcome.

  • MiniMencken

    Gojira very angry! Mothra will come after him! Singing tiny twins are nowhere to be found! But, Japan is run by adults. Not like USA. Problems will be dealt with!

    • Gojira?!! AHHHHHHHHH!!!

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Raymond Burr has risen from the grave.

    • Doktor[redacted]

      ♪♫♪♬Gamera is really neat! Gamera is turtle meat!
      We're all eating Gamera!

  • my comment is "what?" and "are you ok?"

  • bumfug

    For your sake, Jack, I hope aisai is a woman.

    • or breitbart? (oh that was riley)

    • Sophist [teadacted]

      Hey, any port in a storm right?

      • neiltheblaze

        I read that as "any porn in a storm" for a microsecond – which also works.

        • horsedreamer_1

          It is Japan.

          • Gopherit

            Right. All's fair, even tentacles.

    • Or a man. Not there's anything wrong with that.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    First George H.W. Bush vomited all over Japan, then Iron Chef got canceled, then the earthquake, and now this.

    Hasn't Japan suffered enough?

    • Sophist [teadacted]

      Don't worry, we'll just send over Governor For Life Walker and Maximum Governor Snyder to crush their unions an dissolve their local elected governments. That should fix everything, right?

  • LouBristol

    why go to japan when u can watch "stunning" "amazing" "u-hav-2-c-this" video-clips on TV from the comfort of ur couch? also, a giant earthquake-tsunami killed the pokemon creator and set off a thermo-nuclear explosion.

    • gef05

      He's still alive. Despite the best attempts of the Twittersphere to claim otherwise.

      • LouBristol

        I'm not simply going by what these snoopy-poopy kids are saying on their twitter machines, I saw the tweet paged up on CNN so it must be true.

    • deanbooth

      If you put all those "stunning" "amazing" "u-hav-2-c-this" video-clips together, it'd be 4, maybe 5, minutes long. With "creative" editing, CNN has stretched them out to 72 hours.

      • Doktor[redacted]

        James O'Keefe has a special version where the tsunami admits it hates the tea party.

      • ChessieNefercat

        Oh God, that's why the 24/7 news cycle is so unbearable. Thank you for putting it in such concise terms.

  • Extemporanus

    Konichiwa Jack-san,

    I've got your picture, I've got your picture—I'd like a million of you all 'round myself. I want a doctor to take your picture, so I can look at you from inside as well.


    • Radiotherapy

      Last weekend we all turned Japanese in our attention..

      • Oblios_Cap

        Hai, so desu

    • sezme

      Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto.

      Actually, these are the only words of Japanese you need to know. Make sure you say all four every time for extra politeness in this crisis situation.

  • Beanball

    Protip: duck and cover

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Dinner tip: duck and udon miso

  • Fukui_sanYesOta

    Good luck Jack. You should have a whale of a time.

  • Come here a minute

    Very clever — when a freelance writer takes a vacation to a disaster zone, they get to call it "Journalism".

    • I actually have no expectation of any "dispatches" from Jack. But I spent much of my long semi-career as a free-lance journalist just taking cheap flights to wherever news was happening. No better way to travel.

      • Gopherit

        Also, you can probably write off the travel expenses. Very nice.

  • Write one post and he can expense the whole trip on his taxes.

    • Jukesgrrl

      He was probably already going to do that, but now the IRS will have a harder time arguing. He can wave a geiger counter over himself to prove he was there.

  • Jack Stuef

    "If you feel like it, ask Jack stuff in these comments."

    What the fuck is this? I AM ON VACATION.

    • LesBontemps

      Ha ha ha, "Jack Stuef," robots do not get vacations. What do you think you are, some kind of union thug, with your fancy "vacation"?

    • nedbeaumontjr

      Jack, what's the airspeed of a radioactive swallow?

      • natoslug

        European or African radioactive swallow?

        • nedbeaumontjr

          Is it glowing off-white or brown?

          • natoslug

            If we were properly teabaggist, we'd say it is glowing yellow. Speaking of yellow and teabagging douches, I just got my very own troll to follow me on intensedebate today. I feel so special. Hi there, UnionsRStreetGangs. Please try not to shit on the drapes.

          • qwerty42

            Me too! Some retard from breitbart it appears. Seems to be obsessively "following" all sorts. So: teenager, unemployed or OCD?

          • nedbeaumontjr

            Yeah, he got me yesterday.

          • ChessieNefercat

            I got the same delightful message! This is about the 3rd one like this I have received.

            I wish nice people would follow me (if anyone must), but evidently my combination of being a) boring and b) union/liberal leaves me to be followed by yokels such as the above named slack-jawed goober.

            I suppose I could look at my profile to see who else is following me? Seriously, why would anyone?

          • natoslug

            You sound lonely and desperate, so I'll follow you. Just in case there's any nipple-slip. It's the internet, so I can assume you are the most beautiful, sexually deviant and morally loose woman on the planet.

          • ChessieNefercat

            Why, yes, yes I am, actually! Erk, second sentence, not the first.

          • natoslug

            Oh good. Don't forget to post pics of any nipple-slips or panty malfunctions here on Wonkette, and I promise not to do the same. In my mind, you've already started debasing yourself with Elizabeth Kucinich in a kiddie-pool filled with Jell-o and live baby octopi. Monday's almost manageable now . . .

        • [redacted]byreality

          Is it carrying a coconut?

          • natoslug

            Radioactive coconuts.

          • [redacted]byreality

            “Ya put da iodine in de coconutand drink 'em both togedda,put da iodine in de coconutand ya feel betta.”

    • V572625694

      Is it really slanted?

    • PocketsTheClown

      Are you going to get a weird haircut?

    • Hey Jack, if you're on vacation why are you sitting in front of a computer trolling Wonkette? Get out there and find a frightened Japanese schoolgirl to comfort.

    • Not_So_Much

      I look forward to the reader hate mail giving you shit for your ability to pick just the right time and place to unwind…

    • Bonzos_Bed_Time

      Because the news never stops!

    • Jukesgrrl

      Jacko-san, you silly thing, you better redact that post sugu ni or the IRS is going to use it against you.

  • gef05

    So Jack, how's the bukkake? I hear it's nice this time of year.

    Or is that the cherry blossoms? Whatever.

    • nedbeaumontjr

      In the spring, the bukkake flows like water. Chunky, disgusting water.

      • Radiotherapy

        Don't eat the egg drop soup.

  • facehead

    "Growing up with Pokemon"

    — Is that what the kids are calling it nowadays?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Looks like your vacation timing is as good as mine. Sarajevo '92, Belgrade '99, New Orleans September '05…

  • "ask Jack Stuef in these comments"


  • BaldarTFlagass

    "Ask Jack"

    Hey Jack, it's been 25 years since my last visit; can you still buy cheap whiskey and airbrushed porn out of the vending machines on the streets?

    • Kidneys4Sale

      Jesus. You could be talking about my childhood basement.

    • Jukesgrrl

      Yes. Pictures of Justin Beiber with Hello Kitty, too.

  • ChernobylSoup

    Hey Jack. When I was stationed near Tokyo in 1992, I met this beautiful Japanese lady. She had smooth, flawless skin, perfect legs, and was exceedingly polite. Very smart too. I forget her name but if you see her please tell her I said hello.

    • Numbat_Dundee

      I'm sure she's thinking of you right now. Maybe she's remembering your penis or your chiselled jaw. More likely she's remembering your name – "ChernobylSoup" has such resonance in Japan right now, for some reason.

      • axmxz

        You win all comments ever.

    • Guppy06

      "Her" name was Rudy.

  • VespulaMaculata

    Be careful, Jack. You don't get pass on looting there just cause you're an American. I thnk they pull down your pants in public and cane you.

    Or is that Singapore?

    • Guppy06

      No no, he's white, he's "finding."

  • Someone ask Pat Robertson what Japan did to deserve this.

    • Numbat_Dundee

      They ate fish without bread?

    • vulpes82

      Don't be silly: they're devil-worshiping Shinto-Buddhists, of course! Zen is only seven letters away from Satan, you know.

    • GuanoFaucet

      They sell previously worn panties out of vending machines?

    • LouBristol

      Ever since Pat Robertson discovered tentacle porn he's had a soft spot for the Japanese.

      • ChessieNefercat

        I'm not sure porn and "soft" are a good linkage, oh wait, maybe if it's a female under discussion, it's a good thing? No, no, I don't think Pat Robertson is female, oh, hell, I should stop drinking for a moment and find some food.

  • MadBrahms

    Jack, all I will say is this: for a good time, make it a Suntory time.

    …especially because all of the water is probably poisoned with radiation / tsunami debris now.

  • Amazing that the Japanese prime minister can make a public statement about the disasters, saying it is the worst crisis the nation has faced since the end of World War II and not once say that the only way to deal with it is to crush the unions.

    Naoto Kan is out of step with the march of history.

    • deanbooth

      On 60 minutes last night, Katie C. did a major hit piece on teacher unions ("Look how good schools can be if you can fire teachers…"). Coincidence? I think not.

      • Jukesgrrl

        That bitch. Did she tell people to send their kids to the private academies her kids attend? That's usually the answer rich people have for every problem: Just do as I do, you ninnies.

    • ChessieNefercat

      "Naoto Kan is out of step with the march of history."

      Or, "Naoto Kan is out of step with the march of dictatorial anti-American Republican governors and the mindless 24/7 US cable news cycle"?

  • Jack, you gotta catch them all! Srsly. And for fuck's sake bring them back here because Japan is no place for Pokemon right now.

    • Fare la Nippon

      It's okay. They can use Surf.

      I'm going to hell.

  • user-of-owls

    Well, this will be odd timing for sure, but I've been meaning to tell Jack that his stuff (not that stuff, you pervs) is gold, pure gold. In all seriousness, you write so well that when you post something that is just really good, it seems like a letdown of sorts. Too easy to take your excellence for granted.

    So, thanks Jack. Just thanks. Be safe.

    • Bonzos_Bed_Time

      Why can't that stuff be pure gold, too?

  • Oblios_Cap

    Now is surely the time for the Nipponese to cut taxes, because that makes everything better.

  • Jack,
    Try not to look delicious.

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      Mmm, white meat!

      • Doktor[redacted]

        Try the "long pig"

    • Ducksworthy

      So good to know that cannibalism is not a war crime but that prevention of honorable burial is. Thanks.

  • PublicLuxury

    Dear Jack,

    You are such a leader. So brave and strong and virile. Will you go out on a Dream Date with me? Call me!

    • ttommyunger

      Me too! And I'm not even gay.

      • PublicLuxury

        Now Tommy, don't you go creeping in on my date. If we need you we'll call.

        • ttommyunger

          Waiting with bait, I mean bated, breath!

  • walstib

    I must know this:

    Are the beer swilling cows safe???


  • Mumbletypeg

    Aww, Sad Panda. This is bad news for Japan-China diplomacy efforts.
    Yes Jack, safe to say you've embarked on one of 'those' vacations. Still better than trying to keep wits about oneself in this 'tardnation.

  • Barbara_i

    Jack, could you please check in on Anderson Cooper? He tends to get into trouble abroad. I won't be able to sleep tonight knowing that one of his perfect silver hairs is out of place. Thanks!

  • BarackMyWorld

    Wait…You went anyways???

    Boy, airlines sure are strict about their no cancelling tickets policy.

    • ChessieNefercat

      Before you comment like that, please check with me to make sure I can afford a new monitor!

  • MinAgain

    So, Jack…have you grown any superfluous appendages yet?

    What? Too soon?

  • jus_wonderin

    But, where in the world is Carmen San Diego???

  • nounverb911

    Jack, the Pokeman store is near Hammamatsu Station on the JR Yamanote Line.

  • ttommyunger

    Sorry, my first thought: better him than me.

  • hagajim

    I think Jack is hoping to get bit by a radioactive Pokeman so he can return as super Pokeman – or something.

  • chascates

    Are the sake vending machines still working?

    • MissTaken

      Or the ones that sell worn girlie panties.

      • sezme

        Well of course the panty vending machines are still operative. It's a matter of national security.

  • MissTaken

    Good luck Jack! And if it's not too much to ask, my computer is really in need of one of those humping dogs.


  • TanzbodenKoenig

    Is it hard to sleep when you glow in the dark?

  • chascates

    And wear one of those face masks so you won't stand out.

  • Doktor[redacted]

    Suntory, santorum, whatever.

  • Doktor[redacted]

    Important tip: At some point, someone will try to get you to eat something called "natto." DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES EAT THIS "NATTO" SUBSTANCE! IT TASTES LIKE SOMETHING HORRIBLY DECAYED, which, actually, it is. Modern science theorizes that this "natto" is either an industrial polymer or a very amusing practical joke devised to make foreign devils make ridiculous disgusted faces.

    • DemmeFatale

      Did you ever see Chef Morimoto on "Iron Chef" do "Around the World with Natto?"
      Truly disgusting!
      (He actually put natto in a hot dog bun, to represent U.S. America.)

    • MissTaken

      Sounds like Japan's version of durian. Oy.

  • lochnessmonster

    Jack, if I knew which prefecture she lived in, I'd have you pop in to see my daughters friend who lives ther…but I don so…

  • Mumbletypeg

    Since the likelihood of radioactive exposure will probably get you screened out of ever donating blood in the U.S. again (bummer!), Jack, you might as well go for that radical irezumi-stylin' tattoo you've been dreaming about getting.

  • Fare la Nippon

    If they're still open, check out the tsundere maid cafes in Akibahara. The waitresses are all surly, pushy young girls who go out of their way to give you a hard time, but melt into lovestruck sweetness when you're kind to them. It's like Wonkette in restaurant form.

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