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We surrender to this genius man of letters.Hey, our friend Dennis with the animated upskirt kiddy cartoon e-mail signature sent us another notice about being pinheads. “Yep, pinheads who don’t watch Glenn Beck really are progressive morons. Mr. Beck constantly tells his vast audience ‘Don’t take my word for it, look-it up for yourself. We have and found his tenets to be factual. Progressive just ‘hate’ the truth.” Is “hate” in quotation marks because he’s being sarcastic? Or is he quoting the very objective scientific research about liberals he “look-ited” up? By the way, the background of the e-mail is a pretty pink this time! And when he signs the message, Dennis spells his own name incorrectly.

Girl power!

Looks like somebody forgot to turn off the “pretending to be an 9-year-old girl on the Internet” setting on the ol’ e-mail machine.

$
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  • CrankyLttlCamperette

    That's not incorrect — that's French!

    • baconzgood

      He's a Lib-tard surender monkey……

    • mog253

      Rhymes with Penis

    • BaldarTFlagass

      French!! That's even worse than incorrect!

      • Beowoof

        Probably gay too.

  • ablington

    These emails are "awesome".

  • CliveWarren

    Enlarge your Denis with one pill…

    • DaRooster

      Dammit… you beat my P…

      Nice one… er… uh… well, you know what I mean.

      • CliveWarren

        It seems you choked, chicken…

        • DaRooster

          So much for my P-ness points skyrocketing.

          • CliveWarren

            There's the rub… It was a one-off.

            And don't worry, I think your p-ness is fapulous.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Aren't Dennis' 15 minutes of Wonkette fame just about expired?

  • CapeClod

    Exactly where did he look up the "fact" that Obama hates white people?

    • jodyleek

      In the Bible, duh!

    • Conservapedia?
      Free Republic?
      Breitbart?

      • Beowoof

        Nothing but seriously credible journalism sources.

    • Jerri

      glennbeck.com?

    • OC_Surf_[redacted]

      Glenn Beck's asshole?

    • mumbly_[redacted]

      Hitler!

      Err, wait, is this a different game we're playing today?

    • mog253

      He saw the edited video making the rounds with the wingnuts. Every time Obama's head turns away from the camera, he makes an "anti-white" comment. Some really crappy editing, but apparently looks good to the Beckites.

      • tessiee

        "Every time Obama's head turns away from the camera, he makes an "anti-white" comment."

        "Good evening, my fellow Americans. I… [raises coffee mug to cover lips, poorly dubbed digital voice]… hate America and want to turn it into a socialist Muslim dictatorship… [lowers coffee mug, returns to normal voice] come before you this evening to report on the State of the Union."

    • DustBowlBlues

      He heard it from the god of truth, Rush Limbaugh.

    • [redacted]Crusher

      Stormfront. org?

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      FOXnews.com?

      • Fare la [redacted]

        She already said Stormfront.

    • snoopyfan2010

      He read his tea leaves.

    • davepete083

      Of course it's a fact when you look it up on Conservapedia. It won't match reality, but it will match what Glenda Beck says..

  • SudsMcKenzie

    That bear the little girl is holding looks strangely familiar.

    • Jukesgrrl

      Maybe it's that furry who worked for the Pennsylvania legislature.

    • elfgoldsackring

      Also totally into erotic choking.

  • And by 'look it up,' he means, 'nap on the couch in your own Dorito-filth until the rebroadcast.'

  • jus_wonderin

    Oh Joy! I love the letters. I think he misspelled his name on purpose. I often do that to let regular people know I am just like them and not a dick.

    • DustBowlBlues

      He's correct that pinheads, what his kind call intellectuals, don't watch Sean O'Rushbeck. I think its time we quite using the right grammer and speling and try too avoid notic. Also. Invest in contact lenz to, becauze if you wear glasses your mostly likly to be the victim of dickwad's Second Amentment (cue GOD BLESS AMERICA) rights.

      Aint no muslins around the wonket. (Oh, and for god's sake don't do this [applause].)

  • OkieDokieDog

    I sense a lot of "synergy" from Dennis Ima Kookoo.

  • DaRooster

    He meant to put a P at the beginning…

  • SorosBot

    Denis [sic], your a "genius".

    • DustBowlBlues

      I am so sorry. My hands have overtaken me and I can't help it. Denis [sic] your [sic] a genius.

      Wait–was that ironic? Oops. Guess I owe you a cyber bj. (I spelled that out, then thought better of it. Something I seldom do in my life, hence all the friends I don't have here in the Dust Bowl. Thank heaven for the wonkeratti.)

    • iburl

      I believe his kind spells it "genus".

  • Ducksworthy

    Maybe Denise just ran our of E's.

    Oh. Now I see the Dennis [redacted] sent this to you. Jack, I pretty sure he/she is sweet on you.

    • jus_wonderin

      I can see it now. A nice glass of white wine on the edge of the tub, a cigerette glowing, and Denis shaving his legs while praying for Jack to call.

    • DustBowlBlues

      And why not, I ask. Though he's not a ginger like our dear Jim, he's hawt! [applause] Also.

  • PeaceWithHonor

    Not so much a misspelling as a pre-operative transition on the way to Denise.

    • jus_wonderin

      That's a win in my book!!!

  • Barbara_i

    Denis Kudlak, thanks for the email. It has been read and you can now join us here to downfist us with fury.
    I would think you'd be on Craig's List, selling your gold bullion. Sorry about the price of gold tanking today. Hurry up and sell it so that you can afford real bouillon and not just that split pea and hamster soup you won't be able to afford next week if you keep listening to Glenn Beck.

  • SorosBot

    This guy's going to be so disappointed when his gold "investments" lose a shitload of money. And we'll just point and laugh.

    • OneDollarJuana

      Hey, I heard a gold dealer on Stephanie Miller say gold is going to $5000. "It's eight-grade math" he said. Who will do the laughing when gold goes to $5000?

      • BaldarTFlagass

        Stephanie Miller-plugged gold will go to $5000. Glenn Beck-plugged gold is heading into the shitter.

    • JoeBiteme

      The best part of the whole gold scam is that these idiots have all been sold "antique" coins of less that acceptable purity. They've never been worth market, and never will be.
      This pleases me.

  • __kth__

    dude, redact fail; pls blur surname because (a) we aren't assholes, and (b) I really don't want to know who this moron is.

    Also (to Denis): probably should look up that word "tenet", not synonymous with "assertion", however awesomely factual that assertion supposedly is.

    also also: you got me, Denis, I'm not a hater, I'm a "hater"

    • Gopherit

      I think tenet is probably apt. It's a very kind way to describe Beck's multiple chalkboards of hysterical rantings……..sort of like a grubby street corner preacher that doesn't notice his own crazy eyes and the white spittle coming out of the corners of his mouth while he waves his bible at you. Nope. He doesn't notice, and neither does "Denis"…..but you and I do.

      • __kth__

        yes, but one "look-it ups" tenets in a creed, or a set of articles of faith, no? Not in some objective compendium of facts like Conservapedia, like this guy's email suggests.

        I'm trying to help this guy with his "composition", and here you come to nuance it all up!

        • Gopherit

          heh. I think anyone that listens to Beck is definitely buying into a set of articles of faith……ones that would make David Ickes blanch. But i am all for the attempt to educate Denis……good luck with that.

      • [redacted]byreality

        Is this the "big tenet" the repugs are always talking about?

    • [redacted]Crusher

      Well, you know who else had tenets.

      • sezme

        Campers?

      • [redacted]89048

        Is this like in tenets debate?

      • doloras

        National Socialism. At least it's an ethos.

    • DustBowlBlues

      Isn't it funny how they all hear one word they think is so fancy that just saying anything that sounds as intellectual as "tenet" (quotes because of my italicize fail) must be true just because they use it? Or that sounding so fucking smart will simply dazzle the listener because, you know, a word that highfalutin' is so smart.

      While they pile "hate" on actually smart people.

      • __kth__

        quotes fine if you are mentioning the word rather than using it

      • the_problem_child

        What I love is that at least half the time, they spell it wrong, as in "tenants".

    • BaldarTFlagass

      I'd like to be a haberdasher, or "hatter," but hats have been out of style since JFK, so there's no money in it, except for gimme caps, and we know who wears those. Mostly.

      • Denis may be a "tenet" farmer….he grows his own "tenets".

  • SmutBoffin

    YOU SPELLED MORAN WRONG

    • [redacted]byreality

      Damn–Beat me to it!

  • nounverb911

    "Looks like somebody forgot to turn off the “pretending to be an 9-year-old girl on the Internet” setting on the ol’ e-mail machine."
    Is Lindsey Graham Dennis?

    • Graham Cracker

      the disguise makes it easier to attract 9-year old boys

  • CrunchyKnee

    So much "hate."

  • baconzgood

    I "hate" truth AND beauty!

  • DaRooster

    "…‘Don’t take my word for it, look-it up for yourself…

    … so we do… at Glenn Beck's website and sure enough… he's right!"

    • Beowoof

      Well looking anywhere else would just confuse him with all those pesky fact thingy's and he has to go out and find some more little girl animations. Although if Denis is that hard core republican I would think he would be looking for little boys.

  • jus_wonderin

    Jack, ask him if he is a pilot? I have it on good authority that many think they are Gods in the flesh.

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      It's true. I shoot with a 747 driver (former USAF pilot) and he is a giant asshole. Of course, that's the sort of person I want behind the yolk when shit gets hairy.

  • PublicLuxury

    This email-er isn't really Dennis or Denis(e). It is that sick fuck politician that likes to sit in car near public parks and masturbate.

    • Ducksworthy

      The pedophilia club logo is a dead giveaway.

    • Beowoof

      That doesn't really doesn't narrow it down much.

  • Ruhe

    Pinheads, yes, but only of the Zippy variety, thank you very much.

    • [redacted]Crusher

      Polysorbate-80 4 evah!

  • OneYieldRegular

    Look, I don't mind a misspelling every now and then – it can happen to the most conscientious of us – but: is it Dennis or Denis?

    • SexySmurf

      Glenn or Glennda?

    • GuanoFaucet

      "Dennis"?

    • Beowoof

      Only Muslims spell it Denis.

    • SheriffRoscoe

      According to the name given below the subject line, it's 'Dennis.' So it's perfectly okay for progressives like us to assume that at least in one of the instances where his name is written on the email, it is misspelled.

      Once again, for clarity, people who watch Glenn Beck have trouble spelling their own name.

  • Gopherit

    His pink background is just precious, esp with his cartoon kiddie porn.

    Any asshole can quote other assholes who lie.

  • lulzmonger

    Heh, indeed!

    As Den/n/is knows, almost ALL of the academic masterminds at Regnery Press – along with the savants at Bob Jones &/or Liberty U – are hard at work every day, proving Beck's brilliant analysis for dear life … & they (mostly) have real degrees & everything! LOOK IT UP, LIBZ.

    – Beck U undergrad, Summa Cum Laudanum

    • [redacted]byreality

      Multi-fist for the Laudanum!

    • DustBowlBlues

      It's like a Jehovah's Witness book my not-union organizer gave me once. Every other word had an endnote, but if you checked the source of the endnotes, they were all in books from the JW press.

    • Beowoof

      Sure the folks at Liberty have Bob Jones degrees and the folks at Bob Jones have Liberty degrees, except for the really smart lawyer types who have advanced degrees from Regent University.

    • zhubajie

      I would expect Bob Jones U. has noticed that Beck is a MORMON, that is, THE ENEMY! Ditto Liberty U.

  • "T"

    "Don't take my word for it, look it up yourself on GlennBeck.com."

  • OC_Surf_[redacted]

    No need for " " around hate, sparky.

    • DustBowlBlues

      Those are the quotations marks of TRUTH.

    • V572625694

      Quotation marks, like all-caps, bold, large type, underlining and italics, are ways of indicating emphasis. You'd think people here would understand that <bold>BY "NOW!"</bold>

  • UpfistFairy

    How are the olds who watch Glenn Beck supposed to look-it anything up? My grandma still thinks a computer is just a giant calculator.

  • Anyone who refers to Shit-for-brains Beck as "Mr. Beck" is a "dumb" "motherfucker".

    • jus_wonderin

      Oh god, I could visualize that. Awesome!!

  • facehead

    Dear Denis,

    Please email us more of your wonderful insights ASAP.

    Sincerely,
    fachead

    • Jukesgrrl

      fachead [redacted]

      (There, fixed.)

  • Look! It's a picture of Hitler! And it's next to a picture of Obama! And there's an arrow pointing to both!

    The correlation is unarguable!

    Truth!

    EDIT: Welcome, Downfist Tardbutts! So glad you could join us! The coat rack is over there and the bar is over here. Please quit spitting in the appetizers!

    • Downfister's mad we made fun of his Denis.

    • prommie

      Thats clearly a irrefutable tenet.

      • PuckStopsHere

        Or an irrefutable (can you even mis-spell the word?) CANARD.

  • natoslug

    If Denis hasn't had a visit from Chris Hansen yet, something's wrong with our pedojournalism coverage. That gif screams "I masturbate in my neighborhood park."

    • SorosBot

      But it makes it look like he rapes little girls, so that's OK 'cause it's not gay.

      • tessiee

        It's also OK because Glenn Beck rapes little girls, or at least it hasn't been conclusively proven that he doesn't.

    • zhubajie

      It is a pretty weird gif.

      • natoslug

        Especially when you realize why she has her eyes closed and such a big smile on her face . . .

  • OC_Surf_[redacted]

    but even George Tenet turned out to be very non-factual

  • SayItWithWookies

    I have look-ited up Denis' name and found this tenet to be factual — he's a frog.

  • GuanoFaucet

    Factual. You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

  • dox[acted]

    Denis is just working on his public humiliation game to prepare for his appearance on TLC's newest hit reality show Do You Think You Can Exploit My Personal Tragedy and/or Dysfunctional Family for a Few Thousand Dollars?

    • Ducksworthy

      Followed by "Are You Smarter Than a 2 Year Old"

  • Cicada

    "Quoting" makes it "true."

    • DustBowlBlues

      Gdammit. (I guess I could go back to spelling it out now that my ladyparts are healthy). (I was being really good in hopes that I wouldn't be punished). Don't you pinheads ever pay attention? Putting it on a chalkboard and/or putting it with random video is what makes it true. Or, hearing it on Rush Limbaugh. These ignorant fucks would believe the farts that windbag produces before they would trust a legitimate news source, like The Daily Show.

  • ttommyunger

    C'mon, Jack. You're telling us Beck-Heads are illiterate idiots? Kind of preaching to the choir, aren't you?

    • [redacted]Crusher

      Next thing you know, they will be trying to convince us that Tea Baggers are racist, xenophobic, dim bulbs.

      • ttommyunger

        My point, eggzakly!

  • GuanoFaucet

    Dear "Dennis",

    I find your ideas intriguing, and would like to subscribe to your newsletter.

    Yours,

    Guano [redacted]

  • PhilippePetain

    Given the conext, that little girl picture makes me really, really sad for some reason.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Oh Denis, go [redacted] yourself, you mouth-breathing mother[redacted].

  • glamourdammerung

    It is hard to take conservatives seriously when they lack the ability to write at least at a sixth grade level.

    • mog253

      Sixth grade??? You are too kind, sir.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        He meant the "slow" group of sixth graders, I'd bet.

        • tessiee

          I, personally, remember "tenet" as being the only word for which I got the wrong answer on a fourth-grade vocabulary test, and with all due modesty, I was a pretty smart fourth-grader, so we've now established Den[n]is' level of literacy as somewhere between a smart fourth-grader and a slow sixth-grader.

          PS. I thought it meant somebody who lived in an apartment — but then, I was nine years old.

    • tessiee

      Are we sure he isn't actually *in* the sixth grade?

  • baconzgood

    With all those reports, graphs, and links Denis sited and meticulously cross-referenced in that e-mail, I'm afraid he's convinced me. I just don't like the truth….Whatch gonna do?

    • jus_wonderin

      Oh noes, Carol Ann, come to the light!

  • elviouslyqueer

    Shhh. You'll give away the title of Sarah's newest book release.

    • OneDollarJuana

      Is it true that the page go blank about halfway through?

  • chicken[redack]

    This is a variant of the Turing test, which says we must determine the moron using the computer.

  • fuflans

    meanwhile, nina totenberg just called me 'a dear listener'.

    that is all.

    • jus_wonderin

      Indeed?

  • Barbara_i

    Jack, his next email will be to say:
    "I've been to paradise, but I've never been to me"

    Teaparties and pink font are for little girls with imaginary friends, Denis.

    • SorosBot

      Why do you think he uses them?

      Denis certainly has never denied using pink toys and tea parties to lure little girls into the back of his windowless van and do unspeakable things to them.

      • Barbara_i

        Is his name Denis Wayne Kudlak? (I got his whole name before Jack redacted it, lol) Or is it Denis Wane Kudlak? I bet his copy of The Catcher in the Rye is all marked up with highlighter and Hello Kitty stickers.

        • Of course, that's who Denis reminds me of – Holden Caulfield…I bet they're just like two peas in pod….or one pea in a pod and one teabagger in hot water.

  • dogscantlookup
    • emmelemm

      So awesome!

  • harry_palmer

    Technically Beck's tenets may be factual. He may actually believe the nonsense he says he believes on the air. After all, he's a converted Mormon. Den(n)is didn't say his facts are factual, though.

    • [redacted]byreality

      Yeah, but he hasn't gone so far as to embrace Scientology, so he can't be that gullible.

      • zhubajie

        No, Mormonism demands at least as much gullibility as Scientology. It's just been around longer, so people have gotten used to it.

  • bumfug

    The price of gold went through the floor, Fox is ready to drop Beck because advertisers are jumping ship in droves – these miserable tards are going into a frenzy of despair. Good. Fuck 'em.

  • the_problem_child

    I have an occasional e-mail correspondent who uses the exact same evil little girl picture. Except she is old enough and smart enough to know better.

    Awkward.

  • BornInATrailer

    Faaaabulous!!!!

  • Tommmcatt

    Wait, there are identity settings on email accounts? Which button do I push to have all my emails at work look like they came from Charlie Sheen?

    • Jukesgrrl

      The one that says WINNING.

  • DustBowlBlues

    I gave money to the Wis. TAA last night and today donated to the AFSCME Wis local, or whatever they call it, in honor of my AFSCME organizing daughter. Which is one of the (many) reasons that I am the best fucking mother in the world. As I keep reminding my kids.

    • OneDollarJuana

      Hey, every mom is a fucking mother. At least once. Except for Mary (so I hear).

      Maybe you're just the best.

      • DustBowlBlues

        Yeah. I pretty much think so.

    • comptoneffect

      I got a Teabagger for a mom. Not much fun talking to her anymore and you sound really nice. Any chance you could be my Wonkette mom?

      • DustBowlBlues

        Wow. I've reached the age that my offer of a blow job to sorosbot gets no response, but compton wants me to be his wonkette mom.

        Why not? Whaddaya want advice on, kid? Just name it. I'm here for you. Are you in college? If so, don't take speed to stay up all night and study. Causes you to do weird shit, like eliminating all the worse answers on the Geography 1 quiz by circling them. Or studying for an American history survey test by staying up all night memorizing the presidents in order. By sort of coming to at dawn and realizing you've spent hours outside, scraping all the burned spots off your cookies sheets.

        Either I or a friend from my 60s college days each did one of those things. So here's your first life lesson, the kind I gave my kids: stay off (most) drugs. But if you're really sick and the doctor offers painkillers, say yes to everything he offers and pass them on to mom.

  • Texan_Bulldog

    Dude thinks Glenn Beck spouts 'tenets'; no wonder he can't spell his own name.

    BTW, what's with all the '[redacted]' in the Wonkette handles now? Did I miss an email on what the cool kids are doing on Wonkette now?

  • JackObin

    I'd rather be known as a moron than a sucker.

  • Dudleydidwrong

    I await your evidence, Denis/Dennis/whatever, that Beck is factual. And fact-u-al, too, and the horses you all rode in on. But, pervert, please leave the little girl alone.

  • This is a bummer. I thought Dennis was great in The Net.

    • Beowoof

      Until he became a reichwing retard who is regularly on O'Rielly's show continuing to use references he thinks no one else is smart enough to get.

  • mosaickmind

    "we" must be the one who taught him the word "tenets"

  • MinAgain

    Denis is a truly a menace…in his own mind. And I'm kinda creeped out by the pink background and little girl graphic. He's either been trolling for adolescent girls on-line or he shares an account with one.

    • DustBowlBlues

      Do you think he maybe uses his daughter's account because he doesn't know how to set one up for himself? No wonder the dude's such a moronic fucker. He probably doesn't know how to use even wikipedia. (Although I don't know how to input stuff to wiki. I think that would be fun.)

  • hagajim

    It's always good to hear from good old Denis the Penis.

  • baconzgood

    "Liberals have smaller brains that's a face. Look it up, it's science"

    -Ron Burgundy-

    • Beowoof

      The right knows the only true science comes from the buybull.

  • [redacted]Crusher

    Does Faux Noise make it a practice to take commentators off the air, that have a "vast audience"?
    I would imagine they would have to beat advertisers off with a stick, to keep them from throwing checks at Glenn Beck.

    • tessiee

      I agree that they probably beat their advertisers off; it's probably the only way they can get them to sponsor such drivel.

    • Beck's advertisers are mostly scam artists (like Rush's) that no one credible would touch. Beck probably (like Rush) gets a cut of the action. Being a whore can be profitable if you work at it.

      • DustBowlBlues

        "Being a whore can be profitable if you work at it."

        Duh.

  • hagajim

    I think he might have verified it on Dumb Dickipedia (two sources and all)

  • hagajim

    Glenn has tenets? Shit I thought he just had the magic undies that Mittens gave him.

  • MMathS

    Denis. Rhymes with pe-

    Eh, never mind.

  • Extempor[redacted]

    HAHA!

    When I first started sending these dumb emails to our Wonkette, I didn't think that Jack was actually going to post the [redacted] things!

  • BarackMyWorld

    The stupid….it hurts.

    • Beowoof

      Oh if only it did hurt, it would be awesome to watch some of these assholes writhe in pain every time they watch Glennda.

      • genxr

        Thinking is what hurts.

        Stupid is painless
        It brings on no changes
        And I can take the tenets
        If I please…

  • SheriffRoscoe

    Denis The Pennis didn't take Glenn's word for it. No! He looked it up for himself! Now, if he would only look up the word tenet.

  • smokefill[redacted]

    "Blah blah blah, Glenn Beck, blah, progressives, truth blah."

    Love,
    Penis

  • tessiee

    Circular argument [n]: See "circular argument".

  • elfgoldsackring

    Factual or 'facty'?

  • tessiee

    "Yep, pinheads who don’t watch Glenn Beck really are progressive morons."

    We ARE NOT EITHER!!!

    There, defeated *that* argument!

  • tessiee

    Are Herr Bech and O'Reilly removing their white hoods before they refer to their opponents as "pinheads"?

    Just askin'.

  • Don't take my word for it, look-it up for yourself.

    Right! Go look it up in all the same sources I looked it up in and just told you about! You'll see that everything I just said matches up!

    Dennis, you're out of your "league" here. Try the chat boards at Nickelodeon's website.

  • Redhead

    Do they still count as pedophiles if they have the same IQ as the children they're trying to prey on?

  • Gold_ManSacks

    Dennis will soon be seen staring on an episode of "to catch a predator"

  • DustBowlBlues

    [redacted], thanks to Jack, now joins the honor roll of moran gifts to the wonket. Also. [applause]. Our editor deserves a brand new set of wonkette logoed truck nutz.

  • Ramon_X

    I was manager of an apartment house once and I found my tenets were factual, also.

  • Limeforceone

    If this douchebag had a vanity plate it would say – DOUCHEBAG

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