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Two people in the world are unattractive, and one of them is your editor.We have no idea why this Glenn Beck notice we threw up the other day has gotten so much traffic, but it has, much of it from Glenn Beck fans, apparently. Did we say something mean about Glenn Beck? That post is probably one of the nicest things this blog has ever said about the irrational chalk muncher. Still, Glenn Beck fans are always hot on the trail of a new conspiracy (because the ones they’re trained to believe never pan out?), and they have discovered your Wonkette is in on the evil conspiracy to make Glenn Beck unlikeable to viewers under the age of 90 and people who purchase television ads. Who is this Wonkette and why is she destroying the poor, defenseless little blind man they love?

From: willow[redacted]@yahoo.com
To: jack@wonkette.com
Date: Mon, Mar 7, 2011 at 4:18 PM
Subject: who?

I know who Glenn Beck is but who are you??

Phil

Your editor responded to this man’s honest inquiry with a short bio of himself. We’re always glad to help.

From: libertarian[redacted]@hotmail.com
To: jack@wonkette.com
Date: Wed, Mar 9, 2011 at 8:41 AM
Subject: BIAS?

As an Independent without the baggage carried by the far left or the bias of the far right, I try to look at everything in an objective manner. And, so far as the left is concerned, let me say this:

Most everyone of you (Take a look at the photos) are people who are unattractive types (Michael Moore and you as just two examples) who obviously hate mainstream America because you have been abused or rejected some way because of your unattractiveness. You seem to be out “to get” those who are on the right.

Lighten up, bro. What you make of your life is nobody’s fault but your own, and if you think you have a better chance of being accepted by the far left by espousing their outlandish political agenda, better think again. People are the same regarding attractiveness no matter where they stand politically.

Robert [redacted]
Ocala, Florida

Ah, so humanity is even more rotten to its core than we seem to believe? In that case, yeah, should probably lighten up about it and stop pestering this man who will look like a gorgeous, immaculate supermodel for all of his life.

This next message utilizes VERY ADVANCED e-mail technology, so we’re going to need to do a screencap:

Classy!

And then upload his animated GIF signature:

You know, for e-mails that are serious business.

Delightful.

Finally, we also go this strange e-mail:

From: [redacted]@[redacted].com
To: jack@wonkette.com
Date: Tue, Mar 8, 2011 at 6:13 PM
Subject: Jack, read your Glenn Beck/Fox News coverage

Jack,

Hope this email finds you doing well. I know you’ve been writing about the latest news that Fox News is considering dropping Glenn Beck when his contract ends in December and thought you might be interested in Jewish Funds for Justice’s reaction. JFSF has been a leader in calling on Fox News to fire Beck. Would you be interested in speaking further with Mik Moore, Chief Strategy Officer for JFSJ?

I look forward to hearing from you!

Why the hell would we want to talk to Mik Moore, Chief Strategy Officer for JFSJ? What do they have to do with this? Do these people think they control the medi—OH IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW. Sorry, Glenn. Didn’t mean to get mixed up in this conspiracy.

$
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  • x111e7thst

    Does Pedo bear know about these gifs?

    • Cute, yet somehow disturbing.

    • Extempor[redacted]

      Oh, Pedobear knows alright, and the erotic asphyxiation that the kinky blinkin' minx is engaged in has him as blue in the balls as her fuzzy numb sub is in the face.

      Animated lolicon upskirt email attachments are hawwwt!

      • Doktor[Redacted]

        I like the way you think. We all need this AVATURD.

        • Extempor[redacted]

          HOOWAAAYYY!

          I has a [redacted] fweind!

          • natoslug

            Don't hide your anus! I finally just got over the loss of Pluto . . .

      • Bonzos_Bed_Time

        I see you've been inspired by all the fisting (good fist/bad fist?) to embrace the change of the [redacted] buddy icon.

  • nounverb911

    "From: willow[redacted]@yahoo.com"
    What does Lou Sarah have to say about this?

    • GuanoFaucet

      T

    • jus_wonderin

      We have to wait until the next earnest fireside chat with two (count them, two) flags.

    • Redhead

      That IS Lou Sarah.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    What's the ugliest
    Part of your body?
    What's the ugliest
    Part of your body?
    Some say your nose
    Some say your toes
    But I think it's
    YOUR MIND
    I think it's your mind, woo woo
    ALL YOUR CHILDREN ARE POOR
    UNFORTUNATE VICTIMS OF
    SYSTEMS BEYOND THEIR
    CONTROL
    A PLAGUE UPON YOUR
    IGNORANCE & THE GRAY
    DESPAIR OF YOUR UGLY LIFE

    • johnnymeatworth

      The Idiot Bastard Son….

    • onemoretime79

      It's the mouth parts that are the ugliest. If they'd just quit movin' I might have some sympathy for the dull eye parts.

      • Swampgas_Man

        See, I always thought the answer was “elbow skin”.

      • Swampgas_Man

        No, I'm pretty sure the answer is "elbow skin". Grody.

    • lulzmonger

      "Government is the Entertainment branch of Industry."

    • neiltheblaze

      Them mothers were only in it for the money.

    • Suzy Creamcheese, honey… what's got into ya?

  • Weenus299

    I went to school with Bob Redacted. I must say he was absent quite a lot.

    • mereoblivion

      But not, I reckon, Absent Without Peeve.

    • ttommyunger

      I knows he took the short bus, too.

    • Angry_Marmot

      And his cousin, Polly Dactyl, was invited to all the slumber parties…

    • SilverTsunami

      No, he was there, he was just redacted.

  • SexySmurf

    Fun fact: Every commenter on Wonkette is really George Soros (except for, oddly enough, Sorosbot).

    • Hatrabbit

      Wonkette roll call:

      George Soros …

      Here.
      Here.
      Here.
      Here.
      Here.
      Fuck you.

      Lou Sarah? Is that you?

      • deelzebub

        Cambot, Gypsy, Tom Servo, Croooooow…sorry wrong roll call.

    • tessiee

      *faint voice from background*
      I'm not!
      /Life of Brian/

    • Steverino247

      Sorry, but I'm Spartacus and so's my wife.

    • LionelHutzEsq

      Actually, I'm Nancy Pelosi.

    • Doktor[Redacted]

      (fake high voice) And I say we let him go!

    • the_problem_child

      That Soros is one funny motherfucker. Just sayin'

      • SorosBot

        My master's programming has not equipped me to deal with this thing you humans call "praise".

      • BornInATrailer

        Shut your mouth!

    • WriteyWriterton

      Now I know why none of my clothes fit anymore.

  • SorosBot

    What about Jack's a "pinhead", Dennis? That sentence needs a verb.

    • DaRooster

      Has one ('s)…

    • WriteyWriterton

      Verbs are the least of Dennis's deficiencies.

  • Hatrabbit

    Dennis–Show me on your creepy Gif signature where Glenn touched you.

    • baconzgood

      WIN! I was gonna snark about that but your's is better than anything I'd of come up with.

  • Blendergoathead

    We need a quick statistical survey of how many of these originated from AOL accounts. Call Nate Silver, stat!

    • genxr

      I think we can refer to the previous map of passports/diabetes/dentists/pigfucking.

    • natoslug

      All of them, Katie.

    • Check to see what ISP Fats Limbaugh is pimpin these days.

  • Because we're so ugly, that's why. TEH SEXRET IZ OOUT!

    • We couldn't be that ugly, after all, we're all fellating each other on a regular basis! I think you're all damn sexy!

    • I would just like to say, for the record, that I am extremely attractive and very liberal, and I have the venereal diseases to prove it.

    • tessiee

      I've never quite gotten this… thing where being ugly invalidates whatever you're saying:
      Random reader: Hmmm, Billy Smith really makes some good points in his post he–… HOLY CRAP, LOOK AT HIS PICTURE!! HE IS ONE UGLY MOFO!! Well, forget it, just forget it! Now I refuse to even *consider* his argument!

      • LetUsBray

        It's one way of invalidating the Emancipation Proclamation, whose author was not exactly Clark Gable.

      • HistoriCat

        Well obviously he was too polite to bring up the issue of cooties.

    • U. G. L.Y .you aint got no alibi you ugly.

      • Thanks for all the thumb ups. I've broken my snark score!

  • Weenus299

    The evil downfist-people were out in force yesterday. They gave me negative points on one comment. I guess that's what winning is for them.

    • Barbara_i

      They've been equally busy today.

      • genxr

        That's the wonkette ecosystem. George Soros keeps posting, Roger Ailes keeps downfisting.

        • danceswithpalin

          I am the good upfister Fairy, out to restore the good guys upfists.

          • tessiee

            Dear Sir or Madam, could you please send your cousin, the Money Fairy, over to my house sometime in the near future? Thanks ever so much.

          • danceswithpalin

            Dear Sir or Madam,

            Sadly I cannot meet your request. Money Fairy is my ex and America made him horny so he left me for Bristol Palin. While Ms Palin is extremely generous with her Honey Fairy, she never shares her Money Fairy.

          • FlyOverGirl

            I used to date the good upfister Fairy. Good times. Good, good times.

          • danceswithpalin

            Ah yes, Good times, and at least you didn't let America talk you into leaving me.

        • WriteyWriterton

          When exactly do we get to roger Ailes? Not that I want to. I just need to know where to put it on my calendar.

    • If it weren't for the evil downfist spammers, we'd all be in triple-digits with our P scores!

      EDIT: Hey look! They're here already! Hi tardbutts!

    • LIke I always say, Glenn really doesn't have all that much to do between going to makeup and going on-air.

      • WriteyWriterton

        Well, be fair: he does have to fill his head with sand.

    • Troubledog

      I'm not singling you out but honestly, when you mention this, you feed the trolls.

      Like that letter Jack got from the "libertarian" in Florida. That's clearly a troll.

      The only tactic for trolls — including marquee provocateurs such as Palin, Limbaugh, Breitbart, O'Keefe, Malkin, et al — is to ignore them.

      No offense to you or any other poster is intended.

      • Weenus299

        None taken. It astounds me the number of people who actually think they're doing the work of the Lord by hatin' on a blog.

        • comrad_darkness

          All hatin' is the work of the lord.

          Heil-laylouya

        • glamourdammerung

          Yeah, a certain white supremacist was so butthurt by my pointing out they are a white supremacist to their pal trolling over here that they had to blog about their butthurt.

          So someone came here just to insult folks, and got their feelings hurt so bad they had to cry publicly about it at least twice (possibly more, as I did not care enough to keep trying to translate screeds written at about a fourth grade level). I think that sums up the foolishness of these people pretty well.

        • WriteyWriterton

          When you can't get up off your Medi-scooter, it's just about all you can do.

    • Extempor[redacted]

      I've just had the distinct pleasure of watching two of my comments being forcibly hatefisted right before my very eyes!

      FAP FAP FAP!

      • Troubledog

        Prayer Warriors

      • Not_So_Much

        I've never wanted to gay marry and divorce you more than I do right now.

        • Extempor[redacted]

          Don't [redacted], don't [redacted]!

          • Doktor[Redacted]

            That's a [redacted] valuable thing.

    • Not_So_Much

      Did any of them call you a weenus? Or just stuck to 'doodyhead' (misspelled, of course)?

  • baconzgood

    Regarding the second E-mail to you Jack. (Just change Brett to Jack.)

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LtfQg4KkR88

  • Barbara_i

    From: willow[redacted]@yahoo.com

    Redacting the rest of the email address didn't work. They are easily recognizable as:

    Wil.lower.my.IQ.By.Watching.Glenn.Beck.@yahoo.com

    Brace yourself everyone, the flying trolls should arrive soon.

    • GuyClinch

      I figured the redacted part was Palin. Sounds about the right level of intellectual probing for a girl of her age and, ahem, provenance.

      • SorosBot

        Guy stfu. Your such a faggot

        • GuyClinch

          SorosBot, I think you'll enjoy this http://www.27bslash6.com/foggot.html

          • undeterredbyreality

            My thoughts exactly, Guy–you beat me to it. Though it sounds like Soros may have already seen it.

          • SorosBot

            Heh; no I haven't seen that before (this referred to one of Willow's facebook comments).

          • V572625694

            Reminds me of the scene in "Ghost World" where ScarJo and Thora Birch go visit their friend Josh and leave a note on his door saying, "Dear Josh, we came by to fuck you, but you were not home. Therefore you are gay. Signed Tiffany and Amber."

          • WriteyWriterton

            Story of my life.

          • Doktor[Redacted]

            Some people might think it unlikely that anyone could be so stupid. Such people have never been online, ever.

          • Guy that was the best link ever.

        • genxr

          She's a hard ass emailer. I think we can all agree she downfisted her way into America's heart.

  • chickensmack

    As an independent

    FUCK YOU AND YOUR SUBTERFUGE. YOU'RE A REPUBLICAN, A CHRISTIAN, A CONSERVATIVE, UNEDUCATED, ARMED TO THE TEETH, WHITE, AND STUPID. SHUT THE GODDAMN HELL UP.

    regards,
    Unarmed Judgmental White Liberal Pussy Atheist

    • DaRooster

      You meant armed to the TOOTH right?

      • genxr

        with diabetes and no passport!

      • Gunner Asch

        That reminds me of my favorite Eastern Oregon joke:
        Q: What's 40 feet long with seven teeth?
        A: The beer line at the Prineville Rodeo

        • undeterredbyreality

          Holy Crap! A reference to my home town in Wonkette! Awesome! (And too, too true–except I've never seen the line that short.)

          • Gunner Asch

            Well hi (probably former) neighbor. I owned the Dayville Mercantile (pop 135) for 7 years before moving to the metropolis of Baker City (10k). Never want to see the big city lights of Seattle again.

          • undeterredbyreality

            Yeah, I left about 20 years ago. Used to hang out (drink heavily and camp out and go fishing) in the Dayville area.

          • Look for the sign your in LesTeeth country.

          • undeterredbyreality

            I grew up with Les's daughter!

          • Gunner Asch

            We used to have a yearly guest at our B&B who dropped his mother off while he was going to a dude ranch to pretend cowboy (he was from Connecticut, so I guess it was novel enough). The last time he returned he said that the (real) cowboy guide assigned to him did nothing but gripe about having to deal with city folk and said plaintively "I could have had a job at Les Schwab!" The sad thing is that said cowboy was right – changing tires at Les Schwab is considered a plum job around here where getting a couple of weeks of wildfire fighting pay during the summer goes a long way towards making ends meet.

    • Ugly Unarmed Judgmental White Liberal Pussy Atheist
      fixed.

      • chickensmack

        Thank you, "Robert Libertarian" from Ocala, Spongy-Dick of America.

  • These letters prove that in the land of the mad, the maddest is King.

    • Urban_Achiever

      Heh- I read this as " the FATTEST is King"

    • tessiee

      That's actually a pretty minor distinction, considering that everybody else is Napoleon.

  • PublicLuxury

    I bet Glenn Beck has tiny little peepee.

    • Beowoof

      He has rubbed it down to a nub.

    • tessiee

      The chalk is bigger.

    • zhubajie

      With the pump-up implant

  • Chillwaver

    Today, in Exemplary Displays of Wingtard Wittiness….

  • DangerHelvetica

    I tried clicking there for FREE animations for my e-mail but it didn't work. :C

  • Troubledog

    Holy shit. That's the same animated email signature bullshit that my best friend's mom uses when she forwards me the endless proof that Obama is a sinister kenyan witch doctor in league with the muslims to destroy america and redistribute wealth to the blacks for reparations overdue from the time that the banks put the numbers on the back of your social security cards that indicate which bank owns you at the time that you are born into a nation of lazy people living lives of luxury eating government food and providing safe harbor for endless teeming masses of undocumented immigrants that are stealing all our jobs and poisoning our bloodlines with interracial marriages and stealing our god given rights to not pay any taxes whatsoever.

    Just sayin, that's quite a coincidence.

    • emmelemm

      You know, in most email systems, there's a handy little feature called "Block", where you could dump all your best friend's mom's emails into a little bucket and not be troubled with them.

      (I know you know this, as an eleet Wonkette commenter. I'm just pointing it out because my sanity would be greatly affected if such emails were coming to my inbox, and I implore you to save yourself.)

    • And it's the exact same one used by my father-in-law when he sends me the exact same emails.

      May I assume that your best friend's mom also favors Comic Sans?

      • Troubledog

        HUGE RAINBOW HUED COMIC SANS atop a dozen faux "forwarding artifacts" like

        "Wow I had no idea this was going on" and
        "This is that important thing I was telling you about" and the ever-present
        "I checked this out on Snopes and it is absolutely true"

    • undeterredbyreality

      How many words can you get on the head of a pin?

      • undeterredbyreality

        Hmm… Upon reading this, it might appear that I was criticizing the original and wondrous Pynchonesque text of Troubledog. Not at all. I simply see the numerous and intertwined theories put forth by moms, grandmas and fathers-in-law as extensions of all those angels dancing on/in the pinheads' heads.

        • qwerty42

          …Pynchonesque text…
          elitist commie.

          • undeterredbyreality

            And I got the paycheck to prove it.

    • tessiee

      "a nation of lazy people living lives of luxury"

      I would like directions to this nation, plz.

    • Steverino247

      It's no coincidence. See below for my take on that, if you please.

    • If it's just your best friend's Mom, not blood, you should tell her to go fuck herself. You need to stop coddling these people.

    • WriteyWriterton

      I did not see any mention of a microchip in that. Otherwise, A+.

  • You're a "pinhead". What the fuck are the quotes for, you "retard"?

    • baconzgood

      He means "Pinhead" in the "Royal" sense.

    • Tommmcatt

      Maybe he thinks he's a specific type of cenobyte.

      • smokefilledroommate

        FAILraiser

    • V572625694

      The quotes are "ironic." The whole thing is pure meta. Oops, I meant "meta."

      • WriteyWriterton

        Nice to see that second " outside the period, where it belongs, dang it! Wait do I mean second " " "?

  • Manhattan123

    I'm guessing there are many things Glenn Beck fans don't understand:The Constitution, any given work of Shakespeare, math…

    • Barbara_i

      ….the operating instructions for a hinge.

    • Troubledog

      – How is babby formed.
      – How girl get pragnent.

      • Penis goes in, babby comes out. AND YOU CAN'T EXPLAIN THAT!

        • Swampgas_Man

          The Stork! The Stork is the answer!

          • Don't throw babby out with the bathwater.

          • neiltheblaze

            I tried that once, but the damn little shit refused to go down the drain.

    • SmutBoffin

      …dieting, spelling, pooping, &c.

    • Tommmcatt

      The alphabet
      Which end food goes in
      Checkers

    • kissawookiee

      – the French Revolution
      – macroeconomics
      – opening cans without tabs
      – pants

    • Gleem_McShineys

      …magnets
      …civilization
      …humor
      …apostrophes

    • LionelHutzEsq

      That Glenn has never denied raping and killing a girl while coked out of his mind.

    • syntax

    • WriteyWriterton

      Or Newton's laws. Or Fig Newtons. Or Newton Minow.

    • lulzmonger

      … cause & effect, days of the week, which end of their dick the peepee comes out of …

  • SorosBot

    I do love it when someone claims to be independent than proves themselves to be a typical doctrinaire conservative – not to mention that their own email address proves them wrong. Libertarian[redacted] your a pinhead.

    • SmutBoffin

      If only our political discourse was so easily evaluated that you could be 'objective'!

      Does Libertarian[redacted] have access to some oracle that tells him* what is a lie and what is truth? Does he know how to weight different arguments, rank them, and select the most appropriate using some kind of external criteria? Whatta pompous ass.

      *Could be a woman, but no.

      • SorosBot

        Most libertarians claim they look at everything objectively, but since history has proven that their economic ideas have Greatly Depressing results, that's not at all the case; I think they mix up objective and objectivist, the warped view that their cult has taught them to see all of reality through, just like fundamentalist Christians see everything in terms of their god and satan.

        • Angry_Marmot

          You forgot to capitalize Satan.

    • Beowoof

      This is the standard opening supplied at the Koch Brothers posting operation with "volunteers" from the local Baptist church doing the posting, the Kochs supply the computers and the big piles of sugar coated doughnuts.

  • SexySmurf

    How do you know if you're a douche? 1. Your email address contains the word "libertarian." 2. You have a hotmail account. 3. You claim to be "objective" yet you judge everyone based on their personal appearance.

    • JadedDissonance

      3. You claim to be "objective."
      /fixed

  • Slim_Pickins

    January 2012 — Next up on NPR, "The Glenn Beck Show"

    • Followed by two hours of "Antisemitism For Fun And Profit" with Rick Sanchez!

    • CrankyLttlCamperette

      So Juan Williams would be back?

    • Beowoof

      Wouldn't that be "Retard Radio"?

  • Blendergoathead

    Jack, you should *definitely* have lunch with "Mik Moore, Chief Strategy Officer for JFSJ," just watch out for hidden cameras and anyone who slightly resembles Dildo King O'Keefe.

    • Dear Jack,

      We would like to make a contribution of $5 Million dollar to Wonkette. Can you, me, and my suitcase with the red light on it meet for lunch ASAP?

    • SorosBot

      Mik Moore will probably be dressed in an exaggerated version of full Hasidic regalia.

      • genxr

        Jokes on him! Nobody here can be tricked into saying something desparaging about reich-wing southern fried racist teabagging pigfuckers!

        • SorosBot

          It's a good thing Jack doesn't work for NPR, or else he'd be fired after getting taped calling Beck an antisemitic and Muslim-hating conspiracy theorist.

  • DaRooster

    "Most everyone of you (Take a look at the photos) are people who are unattractive types (Michael Moore and you as just two examples)…"

    Yeah, you ain't good lookin' like… Glenn Beck? Na-na-na-nah.
    WTF! AAARRRGG!!
    Freakin' Maroons!

    • baconzgood

      Why don't we go over to the Huffington post and look at the photos of the Glenn Beck rally to see what the pretty people REALLY look like.

      • DaRooster

        I couldn't stand to… my gubmint has done enough to make me and pretty much everyone I know feel like a loser.
        Oh the humility…

  • baconzgood

    I must be suffering some kinda strange sort of dyslexia. I see "You're a pinhead. I like Glenn Beck" but my brain is interpreting "I'm 110 years old and bat shit insane."

    • SorosBot

      You also seem to have a sort of spell-correcting dyslexia.

      • baconzgood

        Look at my avatar.

  • Karma_Suture

    Please don't hate Glenn Beck just because he's beautiful.

    Wait! What?!

    • LionelHutzEsq

      Does anyone actually hate Glenn Beck? Laugh your asses off at him, I understand. But hate? Just doesn't seem worth it.

      • iburl

        I know what you mean, It's kind of like hating a ten year old. Except, of course, a ten year old is expected to improve mentally in the future.

      • glamourdammerung

        I try not to pick on the mentally handicapped myself.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "Pinhead?!?" Gotcha, O'Reilly.

    • LionelHutzEsq

      Yeah. Apparently Glenn had to ask Papa Bear to write our dear Wonkette to defend him.

  • GuanoFaucet

    Hey libertarian[redacted]@hotmail.com! Eat a bag of lightly salted rat dicks, bro.

    • DaRooster

      Wait… are they deep fried? Got any High-Fructose-Corn-Syrup to dip 'em in?

      • V572625694

        Mmm…"dipping sauce." Could anything sound less appealing?

      • How about some sweet light crude fresh from the bottom of the Gulf.

      • WriteyWriterton

        Fluffernutter complements everything!

    • That better not be sea salt, commie!

  • SayItWithWookies

    If Jack didn't believe that liberals are all unattractive, then why did he say this: "Still, Glenn Beck fans are always hot…"?

  • doxastic

    DRUDGE SIRENS: "Objective" does not mean what libertarian thinks it means.

    • Jukesgrrl

      The following words and phrases also fall into that same category:
      Republic
      Independent
      Choice
      Freedom of religion
      Shared responsibility
      Equal opportunity
      Birth certificate

      • Doktor[Redacted]

        Socialism
        Science
        Elites
        Basic Rules of Spelling and Punctuation

    • I think that the redacted libertarian really means the accusative case 'cause:

      1. Don't teatards spend most of their time accusing libtards of global conspiratoryitis?
      2. Isn't a lot of the teatard angst directed to mark the direct object of a transgendered transsexual verb, like catching the ghey?

      I'll sit down now. A chemist shouldn't be talking about things of which they know nothing, like the way too hard grammers.

    • WriteyWriterton

      Nothing means what Libertarian [redacted] thinks it means.

  • bhosp

    I should change my email to redacted@gmail.com.

    • Tundra Grifter

      "Redacted" would make a swell Wonkette handle.

      • Extempor[redacted]

        You bet your [redacted] it would!

    • jus_wonderin
  • BornInATrailer

    That last email has O'Keefe all over it. STING!

    • MarshallBanana

      Eeewww. When something is found to have O'Keefe all over it, the proper thing to do is incinerate it. Otherwise it can spread and lead to fatal cases of Breitbart.

      • Not_So_Much

        That frothy mess won't burn…

    • Radiotherapy

      Is o'keefe all over it like santorum all over it?

      • genxr

        o'keefe is the sound the santorum makes

        • kissawookiee

          Is that O'Keefe or O'Queef?

          • Gleem_McShineys

            If santorum o'kweefs in the dildobarge, and nobody is there to hear it, does it still make a downfist troll?

          • BornInATrailer

            Sometimes when pulling out the Huckabee, your lady friend (or gentleman friend) might O'Keefe especially if there is an excess of Santorum.

  • EdFlintstone

    When I think of Glenn Beck viewers, the last thing that comes to mind is "independent thinkers."

    Love, Lou Soros

    • He has "independent" mixed up with "in depends"

    • bumfug

      Thinkers, period.

    • WriteyWriterton

      When I think of Glenn Beck viewers, the last thing that comes to mind is "thinkers."

      Fixed, though bumfug got there first, the liebrul.

  • chascates

    Scientists have stated that America's drinking water has been contaminated by antidepressants. Clearly, it's far too little.

    • comptoneffect

      Might want to consider adding anti-psychotics to the mix to see if they can help.

    • Angry_Marmot

      By God, this might explain the last 50 years and our national slide into batshit. There are hundreds of alligators with shrunken and deformed dicks caused by chemical spills in Florida… hormones, psychotropics, carcinogens, all making them crazier and meaner and shrinking their… wasn't there a theory floating around that the excesses of imperial Rome were due to lead in glazing on the upper classes' tableware?

      Signing off now, to run through the streets like Kevin McCarthy at the end of Invasion of the Body Snatchers

      • lulzmonger

        Rome also had lead plumbing … whereas us moderns have environmentally-ubiquitous strontium, estrogen & mercury.
        Soon, thanks to the magic of bio-accumulation, we will ALL be Tea Partiers ("10/6 In This Style") – or to be precise, Mad Hatters.

        One lump or two?

      • neiltheblaze

        It may have had something to do with inbreeding – which considering our own South is a plausible explanation as well.

  • GuyClinch

    Jack, don't let that mean fellow get you down. I've seen you in person and you're a perfectly nice-looking young man.
    –Stevie Wonder

  • randcoolcatdaddy

    "Most everyone of you (Take a look at the photos) are people who are unattractive types (Michael Moore and you as just two examples) who obviously hate mainstream America because you have been abused or rejected some way because of your unattractiveness."

    Well, I might be unattractive, but at least I can reach an orgasm without screaming "John Galt" and thinking about trains rushing through tunnels….

    • JadedDissonance

      ugh. that made me cold inside.

  • phlox✔

    There is a direct causal relationship between attractiveness and the ability to form a cogent argument.
    Obviously, pretty people have no use for "logic" and "facts" and who can blame them?
    They're attractive.
    Thank the gods your not a moran, Wonkette.

    • V572625694

      Paris Hilton approves of your comment. At least, the first part.

      • tessiee

        That's hott.

        • V572625694

          And then:  everybody dance!

  • __kth__

    >>>Most everyone of you (Take a look at the photos) are people who are unattractive types

    Glenn Beck acolyte is obviously only checking out the Wonkette dudes. Wonder why?

    • Barbara_i

      Because he knows that Sara Benacasa would chain his ass to a stove and beat the shit out of him with a curtain rod.

      • __kth__

        well that, too

      • SorosBot

        I would like to see that.

        • Radiotherapy

          shorter [redacted]: I would like that.

      • TanzbodenKoenig

        Conservatives just wish that had more firecrackers like Sara

    • mumbly_joe

      And even then. I mean, I'm a heterosexual male, but I am also secure enough in my sexuality to admit that Cord Jefferson is an attractive individual.

      But really, it's important to keep in mind that teabagger standards of female attractiveness include the likes of Sarah Palin, Liz Cheney and Laura Ingram. I am frankly rather thrilled that my norms for female attractiveness do not parallel theirs.

      • Radiotherapy

        Arielle Fleischer…ooh la la.

        • mumbly_joe

          You know, I spent an absurd amount of time trying to come up with a comment that didn't amount to hitting on the illustrious lady-bloggers at Wonkette, and then you just come out and say it. Thanks a lot.

      • V572625694

        Your forget Broomstick Annie. She hot!

    • Limeylizzie

      Well, if he is judging me by my avatar he is correct.

      • Well if we're going by avatars then
        ElvisouslyQueer is dreamy.

  • bhosp

    "Jewish Funds for Justice" = JFSF = JFSJ?

    Am I drunk or is the internet drunk? It's hard to tell sometimes.

    • revmatty

      The internet's been drinking, the internet's been drinking, not me!

      • Extemporanus

        And the blog I read is on the make…

    • SorosBot

      It's like the would-be O'Keefe is even dumber than the real deal.

    • comptoneffect

      JFSJ = Jews for Sino-Jesus.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      WWJFFSD?

  • OkieDokieDog

    I'll admit it. I have penis envy of Glenn Goldy Beck, and his buddies in ugliness Rush Oxy Limbaugh, James Dildo O'Keefe, & Tucker BowTie Carlson.

    haha! Not really. I think they're all such big FOX/Teabagger whipped pussies that they don't even have a penis.

    Girrrl Power!

    • comrad_darkness

      That's James "Timothy McVeigh's corpse" O'Keefe to you, sir!

  • MLite

    Don't fall for it, IT'S A TRAP! This last e-mail has James O'Keefe's fingerprints all over it. Actually it looks to be a legitimate organization, so you should have lunch with them in Georgetown.

    • WriteyWriterton

      Only if they buy. Why else would anyone eat in Georgetown?

  • valgal2342

    "Your" a pinhead. LOL

  • Barbara_i

    Dudes! 10 of you have 0 p-ratings right now.

    • That means we all gotta get busy to save all of Wonkette Humanity!

      • Barbara_i

        To the Batshit cave! Wait, I forgot what our superpowers are.

        • Boredw/Gravity

          Drinking, mostly.

          • V572625694

            I'll drink to that! It's self-jihad!

          • Tommmcatt

            And the masturbation. You forgot about the speedy masturbation.

          • LionelHutzEsq

            Don't forget casual Marijuana Use. You can't make it through a day without it.

        • MissTaken

          Upfisting and buttsexing.

          • LionelHutzEsq

            They came for the buttsex, they stayed for the fisting.

        • Doktor[Redacted]

          This looks like a job for Obscure Literary Reference Man!

      • SorosBot

        Upfists for all!

    • Not_So_Much

      I'm clickety clicking on everybody….and drinking heavily.

      • Hey! Me too! It's my personal mission to make all of you beautiful people 100p or higher!!!! Preferably tonight!

      • Apex cellars Syrah 2006. Much like White Castle my motto for wine is drink it by the bottleful.

  • baconzgood

    Commence the army of Down Fisty Trolls regarding this posting in 3…2…1

    • It's only an army if you count the amount of body fat.

      • genxr

        How do you kill that which has no life?

      • SorosBot

        I think it's a true Army of One, with multiple sockpuppets.

      • True MC. They never be able to squeeze into a tunnel to check it out, but we could use their lard ass to plug it.

  • Extemporanus

    Hey there, little GIF…want some candy?

    • jus_wonderin

      Come see my puppies in the van full of ballons.

      • Extempor[redacted]

        "VAN BALLONS" is both my safe word and my chat room handle.

    • SorosBot

      Do you have a puppy in you .gif of a nondescript van?

      • Extempor[redacted]

        "No."

        "Would you like to?"

      • onemoretime79

        After seeing someone's posting of Gellar with the poor panda bear cub – well. whoa. I can't look at anymore gifs today. Especially in the mouth parts.

      • WriteyWriterton

        All of them, Katie.

    • Radiotherapy

      I'm assuming the GIF is a little teabagger, so,
      Hey little GIF, do you like santorum?

      ps. I'm working on my "I lost my puppy[redacted]" line.

      • Extempor[redacted]

        Keep [redacted] that puppy, Radiotherapy!

        • Radiotherapy

          It's Radio[redacted]™ to you!

        • undeterredbyreality

          You redacted your anus? Good idea, with that avatar!

    • not that Dewey

      I WANT MY ANUS BACK

  • carlgt1

    It's actually beautiful to be called ugly by a group which has a median member as a 400 pound person driving a cart around Walmart.

    And why is it when someone claims to be "independent" or (worse) "Libertarian" you just know that they think Reagan is an angel, and have voted Repug in every possible election.

    • XOhioan

      I'm coming late to this anus fight, but I'd just like to add that I think Jack is rather cute. I've always had a weakness for redheads. Drapes, carpet..et al.

  • metamarcisf

    Hi folks. This is Glenn Beck for Gasline…

    • Tundra Grifter

      GASLINE: The $999 in-home 110 gal. gasoline storage system. Fully EPA compliant (Yes, we hate 'em too, but the law is the law) double-wall poly tanks with an anti-static hand pump (we can't depend on having electricity forever).

      Spend a few weekends with the misses and kiddies digging a very large trench in your backyard, then plop this bad boy right down in it. Use the leftover dirt for your backyard bunker.

      You'll be the envy of your neighborhood when gas hits twenty bucks a galleon and you're not waiting in line with those liberals who refused to plan ahead!

      PS: We do recommend not smoking around the vents…

      • keepem_sikanpor

        PS: We do recommend not smoking around the vents…

        I rocommend the electric hoveround battery charger is right next to it…

      • Wtf so you can drive your Hummer 400 miles and then you're done?

  • MissTaken

    "People are the same regarding attractiveness no matter where they stand politically."

    But what about those who cannot stand? Are they unattractive if they must rely on a hoveround to attend a Glenn Beck rally?

    Yes.

    • littlebigdaddy

      It's an interesting conundrum. There are specific styles of unattractiveness for right vs. left. Right-wingers are almost universally fat, pasty, badly dressed, with glasses and hair styles from the 1970s. Lefties are more diverse: your fat bearded hippy types, your skinny, black-wearing acne and halitosis types, your (real, as opposed to fantasy) lesbians, plus, as a bonus, your fat, pasty, badly dressed union types.

      • neiltheblaze

        The diversity that is America!

    • undeterredbyreality

      If an unattractive teatard falls off his/her hoverround in a Glenn Beck rally does it make a complete sentence?

      • trondant

        I think "I've fallen and I can't get up!" qualifies as a complete sentence.

    • Stop picking on Krauthammer.

  • Chillwaver

    Troll, while you are downfisting everyone…I've always wondered, stupidity: does it hurt?

  • bumfug

    Yeah, you guys are all ugly – that fucker Josh looks like a cartoon.

    • MissTaken

      And Ken looks like a pussy.

  • pinkocommi

    Repeat after me, and make your choice: "I only [hate/love] Glenn Beck because my mind is controlled by [Wonkette/Fox News]."

  • LabRodent

    "Lighten up Bro" gets you an automatic ass whupping in my hood. Its the rules.

    • Chillwaver

      That part gave it up, he's probably a Fratboy "studying" Business at Texas A&M.

      • Extempor[redacted]

        "DON'T HAZE ME BRO!"

        • Extemporanus you hijacked the teatard's gif for you new avatar. Sweet!

          • Jukesgrrl

            Changed the name, too. Is [redacted] the new Hussein?

          • not that Dewey

            Jesus [redacted] Christ on a Hoveround! Am I always the last one to these parties?

      • I used to hate frat boys because they were rich kid douchebags, now they're also missionaries http://gawker.com/#!5778449/jesus-people-have-inf

  • Ha ha they are reduced to reading Wonkett and defending their cult leader. My chalkboards are locked and loaded with lists of ingredients and instructions as to how to make Kool-Aid. And some colorful illustrations, of poop descending from a cartoon anus into cartoon Glenn Beck's waiting mouth.

    • Beowoof

      I am pretty sure there is live footage of Glenn's scat activities.

      • Jukesgrrl

        Yes, didn't he live-blog his most recent hemorrhoid surgery? What's next, giving Rush's anal cysts their own reality show?

  • smokefilledroommate

    One time I worked for a rural-market dsl provider as a broadband helpdesk agent. Tons of these morons would call in asking me to troubleshoot their Incredimail problems. (As a rule, I always call my isp when something's wrong with Outlook).. Dopes.

    • JadedDissonance

      Excellent.

      • smokefilledroommate

        After awhile, I finally decided to find out wtf 'IncrediMail' was so I searched for it.. Just think email for retards–dancing smilies, stupid midi songs, general stupid shit that turns a 30k email into 1meg– everything 'real' Merka loves in an email.

        • JadedDissonance

          If we overlay maps of diabetes, passport ownership, and political affiliation, we will have a perfect match with IncrediMail customers.Sent from my BlackBerry

    • V572625694

      When isn't something wrong with Outlook?

    • fuflans

      do you need to speak 'moran' for that job?

      • smokefilledroommate

        I think one of the funniest calls I had was one in which I was assisting Jimbob with a wireless connection and I asked him to locate the network icon in the lower right hand corner. He had Windows 7 (!) so I told him to look for a set of signal bars and he's like, "the only thing I see down there are some stairs with some kind of explosion on 'em". So I was like, "Okay–go ahead and right-click on the exploding staircase…"
        So, to answer your question, yes. I am fluent in Moran.

        Also, I noticed there's a huge contingent of real Merkins who share a common mispronunciation of 'Linksys'–they call it a 'Linkski' or 'Linkskis'. They were from all different states, too.

    • WriteyWriterton

      You can't buy hammers that dumb.

  • Guppy06

    Methinks they confuse "objective" with "objectivist."

    And [REDACTED] has a point: If I were better-looking, I would be out getting some at a lesbian bondage club rather than posting here at odd hours.

  • Someone needs to show that GIF to Tony Tague, the Muskegon County Michigan prosecutor. Dennis Redacted is going to jail!

    • PedoTeddy does appear a bit too contented.

  • Dudleydidwrong

    I've identified "Phil." Phil Redacted Willow tried out years ago for a budding garage band in England which eventually became The Who. Pete Townshend smashed Phil on the head with a guitar to show him that he couldn't sing with the group and now Phil keeps asking everyone Who are you? attempting to expunge that music from his sore head. Sad, having to make one's way through life by going up to (and now emailing) strangers and asking "Who, who are you?" Sorry, Phil, but just STFU.

  • Yeah go ahead and downfist me or whatever. If it makes your day that you clicked on a little button, be my guest.

    • Jukesgrrl

      Ha!! Wait til your p goes down to double digits, then we'll see how you feel, mister!!1!

  • jus_wonderin

    libertarian[redacted]@hotmail.com seems kinda prickish. Doesn't he??

    • SorosBot

      The non-redacted part of his email already told us he was a smug moronic douchebag.

  • Jack, don't pay any attention to Mr. Lighten Up Bro. You are our Wonkette stud muffin and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

    MG

  • littlebigdaddy

    I think contestant #3 is also the one who wanted “pies we like” from Wal-Mart.

  • Wow, I sure hope with our new visitors here now, no one brings up that completely unsubstantiated rumor again about how GLENN BECK SECRETLY FUCKS DONKEYS. It would truly be a tragedy and I would be really verklempt if someone started telling lies again about how GLENN BECK SECRETLY FUCKS DONKEYS. We would all have to bow our heads in shame if anyone here dared to mention that libel about how GLENN BECK SECRETLY FUCKS DONKEYS.

    • MarshallBanana

      You mean AFTER he raped and murdered that girl in 1990, or before?

      (Or during?)

      • This would be present day, so after.

        I figured it was high time for a new rumor.

        • undeterredbyreality

          But are they GIRL donkeys?

          • Of course. Brietbart is the one who likes donkey cocks. Allegedly.

        • neiltheblaze

          It would be irresponsible not to speculate.

    • jus_wonderin

      I truly wish I could hear that on NPR one day.

      Perfect radio voice> "Hello, Linda Wertheimer, and we'd like to start off with the story of how GLENN BECK SECRETLY FUCKS DONKEYS."

    • genxr

      I haven't heard him deny it. If he has nothing to hide, he should come forward with a certificate of some kind.

      • Jukesgrrl

        What? A certificate that says he doesn't SECRETLY FUCK DONKEYS? I didn't know they had certificates that say GLENN BECK SECRETLY FUCKS DONKEYS. I thought they only had certificates that say GLENN BECK SECRETLY FUCKS ROGER AILES.

        • neiltheblaze

          Something tells me that Roger Ailes is the Top.

    • V572625694

      Mickey Kaus approves of your comment, to the extent that it distracts attention from the fact that he (Kaus) blows goats.

    • Beowoof

      Its interspecies erotica. (With due kudos to Kevin Smith).

    • Angry_Marmot

      It's a secret?

  • revmatty

    The Jewish Funds email isn't even convincing enough to be an O'Keefe joint, any teenager with only slightly diminished cognitive ability would spot it a mile away.

  • SheriffRoscoe

    But if Glenn Beck gets taken off the air, due to flagging ratings, where will the teevee ads for Extenze™ Male Enhancement Pills and penis pumps find another audience?

    • jus_wonderin

      I think they will be a corporate sponsor for Sesame Street now. (Hey, we gotta do something).

      • SheriffRoscoe

        You can learn alot about a show's demographics by watching their ads. Jerry Springer had the Vo-Tech schools, and Glenn Beck has the cures for tiny peckers and impotence.

        • Jukesgrrl

          Does O'Reilly have the special lube that "blows her hair back"?

    • not that Dewey

      That's easy — Morning Joe. Duh.

    • mumbly_joe

      "If it weren't true, could we afford to say that it was?"

      I love how it's impossible to tell if I'm quoting the lying, grifty teevee show, or its lying, grifty commercials.

  • qwerty42

    The "far left"; it's always the "far left". As in "All power to the soviets" or "people who favor high speed rail"? One or the other (or maybe both? bolshie rail backers? maybe there is no other kind?). It's so hard to tell. Maybe it's really "people I disagree with on some political issues" and it has been elevated to some weird, paranoid fear of the "left". Or maybe they're nuts.

    • MarshallBanana

      I personally like doing whatever I can to increase their paranoia and rage. It's a delightful form of entertainment. Sort of like bullfighting, but with a stupider animal in the ring.

    • El Pinche

      As part the "far left", I just wanna go down like some junkie cosmonaut.

    • WriteyWriterton

      (d) All of the above.

    • I just keep wondering how Barry Sotero keeps getting lumped in with us far left loons?

      • neiltheblaze

        They are the same people who thought Bill Clinton, a ground-floor DLC/Republican lite Wall St worshipper, was a "liberal". These dimwitted fucks don't do "nuance".

    • Doktor[Redacted]

      Shit, there's barely a Middle in America anymore, let alone a Left.

  • MistaEko

    Perpetual abbreviation changing is part of the brilliant jew conspiracy's laundering scheme that prevents the Feds from ever tracking their money.

    • WriteyWriterton

      That must have told everyone about that in beit sefer, which I didn't attend because my communist parents were too busy indoctrinating me in their evil ideology. Well, not, actually, but I didn't go to Hebrew school. No bar mitzvah certificate for this Yid Lite.

  • SmutBoffin

    Most everyone of you (Take a look at the photos) are people who are unattractive types…

    Hey now, I watch the little Facebook feed thingy and I think you're all pretty cute!

    • Watch = masturbate furiously to?

      • SmutBoffin

        Both! First one, then the other.

    • fuflans

      to be fair, my facebook photo is a pair of knitted daleks.

  • thefrontpage

    Hey, Beck psychos, here's something for you, and a bunch of us mean every single word:

    Glenn Beck is an asshole, a pile of crap, a toad, a moron, an idiot, psycho, crazy, insance, ignorant, racist, sexist, homophobic, irrational, wayward, ignorant, uneducated, inaccurate, horrible, terrible, inane, a doofus, a terrible radio broadcaster, a fearmongerer, psycho, crazy, stupid, dumb, offensive, unprofessional, unstable, ignorant, combative, passive-aggressive, out of touch with people, out of touch with most people in the United States, a nimrod, out of sync with the mainstream, out of the zeitgeist on everything, inaccurate, and completely ignorant about news, government, politics, current events and life in general. He should resign from his stupid, dumb, ignorant "show" as soon as possible.

    • Radiotherapy

      Shorter:

      Glenn Beck is [redacted].

    • undeterredbyreality

      You forgot "a rodeo clown, a prevaricator, a gob of oozing pus, a malignant cancer on the nation" — but I digress. He should be fired from his show, and the channel his show is on should be removed from the public dialogue or at least labelled for what it is: A pile of lies that distort the facts and mislead the citizens to the detriment of public discourse that should be taken less seriously than "Speed Racer" or "Scooby Doo."
      (With apologies to those who are fans of the above two cartoons.)

    • comrad_darkness

      I sure hope you shared a cigarette with your thesaurus after that.

    • fuflans

      and a terrible fake crier.

  • thefrontpage

    That's "insane," without the "c." Beckmorons: That is called a "typo." If you could write, you would know that.

  • El Pinche

    Jack, clearly there's a misunderstanding here.

    "Lighten up Bro" in Honkeyville, Florida literally means "Negro Benson, here's $500, please get bleached or something . Your dark skin is scaring the Aryan twins."

  • littlebigdaddy

    I think contestant #3 may be our "pies we like" guy.

  • franco_pinyon

    If good-looking equates to being correct/smart about politics then we should definitely be following the lead of liberals like George Clooney, Matt Damon and that famous unwed-mother Natalie Portman.

    Later days for "Newtie," Walnuts, and them big Huckabees.

  • We're all "unattractive types"? Has he seen Sara?

    • jus_wonderin

      Since he has jizz in his eyes on a regular basis I am certain he can't see much of anything.

      • Beowoof

        He had to work to earn that jizz in the airport mens room. If only he swallowed it would be so much neater.

    • Radiotherapy

      As I mentioned above, what? Is Arielle Fleischer chopped liver?

    • DangerHelvetica

      I wonder if he thinks Ken is really the cat antipope.

      • V572625694

        You mean he's not?

  • Zombie_Reagan

    "Your" =/= "You're" (or "You are").

    I learned this in elementary school….wait….does that make an "elitist"?

    • jus_wonderin

      Oh, you are probably one of those that spells there as they're. Aren't you? Hunh? Hunh?

    • glamourdammerung

      You clearly are not eligible to be a conservative "journalist" now.

    • Redhead

      Only if you FINISHED elementary school (in 10 years or less).

    • tessiee

      Elementary school? What's the matter, couldn't you be home-schooled by Aunt Mommy and Uncle Daddy?

  • comrad_darkness

    Only sheep-brained feckless Beckheads waste their day downfisting.

    Seriously, don't you need to go pick up a support check or something from that evil evil government who wastes so much money. Like, on you, for example?

    • Beowoof

      Well there are those paid by the Koch Brothers. Oh wait they are sheep-brained feckless Beckheads that waste their time down fisting. Nevermind.

      • Jukesgrrl

        Yes, the Koch Brothers only fund the people who tell the sheep-brained feckless Beckheads what to do.

    • Google blitz on "Glenn Beck is"? But what? The top 5 right now are "an idiot", "crazy", "a moron", "wrong", and "a douche." How about seeing if we can get "pederast" into the top 5?

  • hagajim

    Most everyone of you (Take a look at the photos) are people who are unattractive types

    I take offense to that…as everyone can see by my Avatar – I'm a sexy beast!

    • Beowoof

      Well I have seen pictures of those at the Beck rally and there were no super models on site.

      • Redhead

        I think a few of the rally-ers ate the super models. (And not in the good way.)

  • JackObin

    I dislike Glenn Beck because he is an uneducated huckster.

    • Jukesgrrl

      Are you saying he's related to Huckabee?

  • Radiotherapy

    From: IrrationalChalkEater[redacted]@aol.com
    To: jack@wonkette.com
    Date: Mon, Mar 7, 2011 at 4:18 PM
    Subject: lonely?

    Jack,
    Could you send me a short bio? Preferably with pics?
    Libertarian, but independent (curious),
    ICE

    • undeterredbyreality

      I am Curious (Pasty)

    • Beowoof

      From: IrrationalChalkEater[redacted]@aol.com
      To: jack@wonkette.com
      Date: Mon, Mar 7, 2011 at 4:18 PM
      Subject: lonely?

      And they should be naked pics, don't worry I have my own lube.

  • johnnymeatworth

    "I know who Glenn Beck is but who are you??" Really? I would never have taken Pee Wee Herman as a Glenn Beck fan….

    • genxr

      You'll find your chalkboard in the basement of the Alamo.

    • doxastic

      And yet they both get asked the same question: "But what makes you think the Soviets were involved?"

  • EdFlintstone

    I watched the Glenn Beck rally just so I could soak up the beauty of his fans. What turns me on? How about cankles, fupas, triple chins, hairy moles, goiters and colostomy bags.

    • Jukesgrrl

      Don't forget their favorite accessories, walkers and oxygen tanks.

    • rocktonsam

      and disposal income, Social security checks and what not,apparently.

    • Fupas?

  • Radiotherapy

    Hey, this really did turn out to be "Ass Wednesday."

  • sezme

    Lighten up, bro. What you make of your life is nobody’s fault but your own, and if you think you have a better chance of being accepted by the far left by espousing their outlandish political agenda, better think again. People are the same regarding attractiveness no matter where they stand politically.

    Shorter version: "But if you go carrying pictures of Chairman Mao, you ain't gonna make it with anyone anyhow."

    And you know it's going to be all right.

  • That sure is some good typing from Willow for a girl whose grifter mom doesn't make her go to school.

  • gef05

    willow[redacted]@yahoo.com
    Fuckwit

    libertarian[redacted]@hotmail.com
    Fuckwit

    [redacted]@[redacted].com
    Fuckwit

    TRIFECTA

  • Tundra Grifter

    Speaking of right wing nutz with dumb books. Apparently "Dick" Morris made the mistake of calling into the Peter Schiff radio show.

    Accustomed to simply hawking his book on a ClusterFox infomercial, Mr. Morris wasn't prepared to actually defend his propositions. He also made the mistake of calling Ron Paul "horrific." Which he may well be, but the radio show of a guy who has Ron Paul promos plastered all over his website might not be the best place to say it.

    Unable to shill his book, Mr. Morris hung up less than 3 minutes into the call. Weenie.

    Even more amusing, it appears many loyal listeners of Mr. Schiff's show also post Amazon reviews – and they took this opportunity to say a few words about Mr. Morris' latest book.
    http://www.dailypaul.com/158991/dick-morris-on-th

    Funny stuff!

    • CapnFatback

      Yeah, I dunno. Listening to a Paultard run off Dick Morris is kinda like watching Megyn Kelly shouting down Fred Phelps. Sure, I kinda hate one a little more, but, really, can't they just agree to a suicide pact already?

      • Aye Aye Cap'n.

      • Tundra Grifter

        CapnF: You certainly have a point. But it's not like Mr. Schiff went off on "Dick"Morris. He just asked a couple of straightforward questions. Morris didn't last 3 minutes in Round I.

  • Jukesgrrl

    I'm trying to guess who the pin-ups are on libertarian[redacted]@hotmail.com's bedroom wall. I'm thinking …
    Haley Barbour, Dennis Hastert, Jonah Goldberg, Rush Limbaugh, and George Alan Rekers.
    Then again, he's a libertarian, so maybe he only faps to guys named Paul.
    In the unlikely even he is heterosexual, I vote for …
    Phyllis Schlafly, Katherine Jean Lopez, Bay Buchanan, and Margaret Thatcher.
    Or if he's a teenager, he might only have eyes for Ann Coulter. But look out dude, you might be surprised by what's under that super-hot babe's black Lycra tank dress.

    • jus_wonderin

      "But look out dude, you might be surprised by what's under that super-hot babe's black Lycra tank dress."

      The original Alien pales when set aside this short treatment for a scifi/horror screenplay.

    • comrad_darkness

      You mean it get's worse than that Adam's Apple??

      • Jukesgrrl

        Adam's Apples are boring. They always stay the same size. I'm betting she's got something more entertaining under wraps.

        • neiltheblaze

          Not to mention the hairy chest.

    • CapnFatback

      What? He's fapping to Pedro Cerrano? Well, fuck you, Jobu, I do it myself!

      OH! Dennis Hastert! Well, yeah, duh, that makes more sense.

  • comrad_darkness

    Amazing. I just looked in the Encyclopedia under Projection, Psychological Disfunction and the letter from libertarian[redacted]@hotmail.com was the example it used.

  • BklynIlluminati

    So Beck is his adonis? Yikes

  • Steverino247

    Since I have a number of friends who send me the same apparently professionally prepared, yet provocative of Right wing stupidity or borderline racist, e-mails with that same IncrediMail logo on the bottom of all of them and given that IncrediMail is an Israeli corporation and knowing that Israelis often have a strong influence on American political discourse, let me express the belief that these e-mails originate at IncrediMail because they want to spread the word about their products and know that people who forward everything they get are morons, yet useful as unpaid direct marketers. InteliMail can't spam you directly, but they know conservatives never think for themselves about the veracity of the information therein. Therefore, when you see that little logo (usually that girl or a monkey swinging on something) that you hit "reply to all" and inform the tools that IncrediMail made that up for them to get mad about it so they would forward it to everyone so InteliMail could get their name out there.

    That or it's a spambot collecting addresses. Maybe they're advertisers on Snopes.com, too.

  • onemoretime79

    Last email appears to be legit.

    I'd have a private lunch with this Mik Moore, like I'd have a lunch with Simon Templar. Then I'd refuse to insult anyone whilst ordering the surf and turf and just listen. How hard is that, when you're hungry?

    Also. Order the creme brulee w/berries for dessert. Because I like that.

    Also, the longer O'Keefe stays in costume the more it has got to itch. Go for it.

  • ttommyunger

    Too fucking insane to comment on, yet strangely, I cannot resist…..

  • Lighten up, bro.

  • Redhead

    Wow, someone screwed the tin foil hats on tight! Let's see, we have a toddler who got access to his Dad's e-mail account and will now respond with "I'm rubber; you're glue" in his next correspondence; an extremely conservative but mentally retarded fellow who thinks saying he isn't conservative will fool you, hung up because every girl he asked to go for a ride on his scooter laughed before turning down his obese, cheetoh-dust-encrusted self; a pedophile; and O'Keefe making up yet another organization to trap "the liberal media" while unable to use the same name or abbreviation for said organization more than once.

    That pretty much sum it up? Seems representative of the Republican party. (But congrats Jack! Apparently you're a big enough deal to warrant an undercover expose of O'Keefe, despite what toddler #1 said!)

  • Doktor Avalanche

    Damn, my wrist is sore from refisting everyone. Was it good for you?

    • Barbara_i

      Shhhh, cuddle time.

    • Radiotherapy

      Your wrist is sore? Yeah, that viagra is strong.
      I just love that joke [redacted].
      Butt I upfisted you, oh bespectacled messiah.

    • Jukesgrrl

      I picked up another "follower" today who is downfisting me at every turn, so maybe you neutralized him.

    • Not_So_Much

      Oh yeah, just gave you a reach-around…you know, for the effort.

  • SmutBoffin
    • gef05
      • SmutBoffin

        If this goes through, i.e. no dramatic, last-minute changes of heart by Republicans, then the choices for WI public-sector unions are pretty stark:

        1) The restrictions on bargaining and certification are so onerous that there's really no point in having a union anymore. Lock up the office and go work on Scat Walker's plantation.

        2) Don't go back to work.

    • SmutBoffin

      Passed by WI State Senate. 18-1. Assembly vote tomorrow.

      And so, America begins its return to industrial feudalism. Hope you're happy, Teabaggers! Remember to smile and wave your flags when they come for your workplace rights and medicare!

      • Wow. Hey, you guys know that raging fire we're trying to stop? I think this tanker truck full of gasoline should do the trick.

        • SmutBoffin

          "Hey guys, I've got a good idea! Let's pass some massively unpopular legislation through parliamentary shenanigans, then take off to DC for a big fundraiser in our honor!"

        • DustBowlBlues

          I think it might have that effect. Either that, or it's all over, everywhere.

      • Agh – we're totally fucked now – speaking for Florida, we were fucked already, but this is bad for the unions all around. FUCK!

      • gef05

        You have to look at the history of the Middle East USA in particular. It has been one of failure and frustration, of feudalism and tribalism.

        –Alexander Haig

        Fixed that for ya, Al.

    • onemoretime79

      This aggression will not stand.

      • Rotundo_

        I hope you're right, but I suspect that totalitarian rule in the United States has just begun its' first baby steps. If I were younger I would emigrate somewhere saner. I guess I go down with the ship.

        • Jukesgrrl

          Yes, I fear it's too late for me to learn French.

          • neiltheblaze

            Maybe we can learn Canadian, eh?

  • rocktonsam

    I disliked Bleck from start and never cared what he said or did.

    That saved time.

  • DahBoner

    Milk Moar the new GOP man whore ..

  • Guppy06

    Methinks they confuse "objective" with "objectivist."

  • onemoretime79

    When, oh when will the strangling and eating of bears in .gif stop, Dennis?

    Betwixt Team Geller gifs and Dennis gifs I tell you, I've had quite enough.

  • MiniMencken

    Well, Robert de Ocala, Che Guevara was pretty hot and he was also a real leftist — as in "liquidate the oligarchic rulers and their reactionary lackeys as a class" leftist while you think anybody with an Obama bumper sticker is a "leftist." Plus, this is a humor Website and you're just not funny.

  • DashboardBuddha

    As did I. It helped…so did the icepack on my spine and the glass of wine in my belly.

  • DashboardBuddha

    Lord save us from vikings wild eyed Beckian sycophants.

    • SudsMcKenzie

      I don't think Vikings redacted much of anything.

  • Mort_Sinclair

    I guess I wanna know why you're bothering to redact anything? They send you email? They take a chance that email will be made public in all its glory. Don't be such a wuss.

    • DustBowlBlues

      Jack must be an NPR fan.

  • Our "libertarian" friend shows a curious interest in ensuring that you, Wonkett, are accepted by the right kind of peers. What kind of individualist is this? Rand wept.

  • MarshallBanana
    • They haven't given away the utilities… yet.

      Scott Walker can kiss my dairy air.

    • Barbara_i

      It's time to slap a tent around Wisconsin because this circus just turned very serious.

    • if you'll excuse me, i have to go to the capitol and scream 'this is what democracy looks like' until my throat bleeds. defendwisconsin.org

      • Radiotherapy

        Go, N_I_C, Go.

      • MarshallBanana

        Best of luck. Me, I'm wishing we could relocate my parents' cabin a bit north to the UP… but then Michigan's governor is trying to do some even crazier shit lately.

      • SmutBoffin

        Stay strong! Don't let folks panic. A lot can change in the next 24 hrs.

      • DustBowlBlues

        thanks for the web site. The old man and I decided to celebrate the health of my ladyparts by sending our political pennies strictly to labor–no more Democratic money from me for now. The AFSCME organizer daughter isn't in Wisconsin, but is apoplectic in another state and furious there aren't more green shirts in the demonstrations. She says, however, that the response she's getting from govt employees during her house calls have changed significantly. They're beginning to start paying attention.

        • MarshallBanana

          Glad to hear you're doing well!

        • A good Dr.s report is always nice. I'll help, out with the union donations.

        • CrankyLttlCamperette

          So glad to hear you got good news (from the doc, not from Wisconsin)!

      • SmutBoffin

        Ha! Check out this picture in the Milwaukee J.S.

        Could it be any more perfect?

      • DustBowlBlues

        Is there a site to contribute to the recall campaign(s)? Hosne MuWalker is obviously thumbing his nose at the voters of Wisconsin in his bid for the WH in 2012, or at least veep. Which if the groups at the above web site are you with? I gave to the Teaching Assistants last time. Is that you?

        • SmutBoffin

          The Teaching Assistants' Association (my old Union) has been requesting Ian's Pizza donations – 608-257-9248.

          The website Defend Wisconsin (run by the TAA) also has links for donations.

          Recall campaigns are primarily WI Dems, methinks. If you want your money to go to the statewide recall initiatives, rather than the folks organizing in Madison, then they are probably the best bet.

      • DustBowlBlues

        sent this damn message to myself:

        Is there a site to contribute to the recall campaign(s)? Hosne MuWalker is obviously thumbing his nose at the voters of Wisconsin in his bid for the WH in 2012, or at least veep. Which if the groups at the above web site are you with? I gave to the Teaching Assistants last time. Is that you?
        Edit Delete

        • i'm not with any of them. but if the t.a.a. (https://secure.actblue.com/page/taa-pac) hadn't camped out this thing would have been over before it started. but the democratic party of wisconsin is leading a recall campaign http://www.actblue.com/page/orangetoblue2012?refc

          • DustBowlBlues

            I gave another $50 of my grocery money to the last group you posted. I hope the Teaching Assistants are the right one. Whatever, they probably all help. How are you doing? Are you hoarse? The wonkeratti are collectively screaming with you, and you truly have our respect for doing the job we would like to be doing.

            My daughter said that 300 people showed up in Tallahassee when she figured there would be a half dozen paid staff. (She's on a campaign in Florida at the moment). 1,000 firefighters demonstrated at the changes in their pension in Oklahoma City, which is a veritable miracle.

            This thread is so long that I don't know if you've read my earlier comments, but I reported that my daughter is furious that there aren't any green AFSMCE shirts in the demonstrations. She said, however, that the responses she's getting on her house calls in Florida are beginning to change. Maybe this will be a turning point. Perhaps I can get my pastor to intervene with god and serve you guys some chili. That's what happened yesterday, where I spent the day at a chili dinner to help feed old fucks who voted for teabaggers and are living with what they voted for, less help, and today my ladyparts are healthy. The Rev, however, refuses to take credit. She's modest.

          • undeterredbyreality

            That must be some potent chili!

          • i can't thank you enough for the support. also, glad to hear your ladyparts are healthy. healthy ladyparts are important.

            as for your questions, i am relatively fine. this has all been very overwhelming. my throat is hoarse, yes, but you rest a while and answer questions in mumbles and then let loose when you have to.

            "The wonkeratti are collectively screaming with you". yay! "you truly have our respect for doing the job we would like to be doing" aww, schucks. look, i've been getting teary eyed a ton lately. and again, some more. thank you.

            as for afscme, i've seen a lot of green t-shirts. lots of orange, too. the people are all here. my favorite signs are the ones like 'i'm a small business owner and not a union member but kill this bill!' or something to that effect. also, it's, like, 30 degrees right now, so, people are wearing coats.

            i truly hope that this is a turning point where people who were voting on social issues or things like 'democrats do nothing but tax and spend" or something will wake up and say "no, not this. this is wrong."

            thank you again.

    • Radiotherapy

      Today, we are all [redacted].

      • keepem_sikanpor

        If by [redacted] you mean {FUCKED}, then yes.

    • EdFlintstone

      I want to get some snark out, but the smoke is still coming out of my ears. Time to buy some pitchforks.

    • fishskicanoe

      This is what Tom Barrett, the losing Dem gubernatorial candidate, has been predicting for over a week now. For the bill as passed to stand it can't be seen as a budgetary issue, which would require a quorum. My guess is that there will be at least a temporary injunction within a day or two. Its all going to end up in the courts. Unfortunately the WI Supreme Court is currently controlled by candidates funded by Wisconsin Manufacturers and Commerce, a group that makes the US Chamber of Commerce seem rational.

    • fishskicanoe

      People are pouring into the Capitol even as we write. The Dems are holding late night hearings and by law the Capitol has to stay open.

    • there are thousands of people in the capitol right now. one of the strongest chants was "general strike!" i don't even know what to say about this anymore. there are cars driving around the capitol honking. i was only there for an hour, but the campers are back in full force. everything was non-violent, but people are pissed off. if he only woke a sleeping badger before, tonight he kicked us all in the face.

      • Extempor[redacted]

        It's heartening to know that you're there representin' and reportin', man — don't get pinched!

        I spent so many hours in and around that beautiful building in my rapidly retreating youth that I can picture every single worn step, marble patch, and salt stain as if I were just there yesterday. I swore never to return to that state in the winter (or the rest of the year, for that matter), but you could probably use a former Wonksconsinite to watch your back, and this fucking shit has got me mighty hep up and in the mood to lace up my steel toes, sharpen my bindle, and hop whatever hobo limo gets me from SF to the tracks that run behind my old house on West Wilson and up past the Capitol.

        What are you wearing? I'll look for you…

        • Extempor[redacted]

          (Does my new avatard make that last part come across as more bad-ass, or less bad-ass? I'm torn…)

        • i'll be the one w/ the beer. and screaming. look for that guy. does that help?

          you might like to know that the cap square has been closed to traffic for hours now. people are still, at nearly 11 pm on a school night (possibly) driving around the loop honking their horns. i actually live on west wilson, near south henry st (please don't bomb me w/ drones. thx.) and can hear them out my window. shit is kind of crazy here, but a good kind of crazy. it's actually pretty exhilarating. the only difficult thing is figuring out where to go and when. there are 8,000 damn twitter feeds and whatnot. how did they do this in cairo?

          are you really coming to madison? if so, i will make a sign that says "watch out walker! extempor[redacted] is here! now you're really in trouble!" with a picture of your new avatard in steel toed boots.

          • Extempor[redacted]

            Maybe wear something red, too, just to help make sure that I don't miss you.

            Small fucking world, huh? I used to live two blocks away from you in the back unit of that little stone house at 515 W. Wilson! There's probably still a spare key wedged under the frame of the picture window that overlooks the train tracks and lake — if your place ends up getting droned to death, feel free to let yourself in and hide out there until the heat's off.

            As fucking awesome as the Capitol cluster fuck fucking sounds, I probably won't be making it out your way for at least another month or two, at which point this shit will either be resolved (I hope!), or the entire city will have been reduced to a pot smoking heap of beer battered rubble and sadness. Either way, I'll be sure to let ya know — it's not every day that one has the opportunity to meet a real, live moojahideen!

      • Our little county passed two supplemental school levies by landslides yesterday, baggers are walking around scratching their heads today. People are paying attention to Wisconsin the tide is starting to turn. Don't give up hope.

        • seems like people actually kind of think schooling is important! huh! who knew?

          thanks for telling me not to give up hope. it means a lot.

      • SmutBoffin

        We went to Madison last week and spent three days and two nights living in the Capitol. We were there up until the end of the occupation and met a lot of the extremely dedicated folks who are putting their asses on the line* to oppose this legislation.

        From watching this scene, I can almost believe a general strike will happen; union folks from EVERYWHERE** in the Midwest would come by the Capitol and declare they were with us. Everybody is so darn organized that it seems possible for strike votes to start dropping at any time, with significant chances of success. This is the absolute last resort, of course, but if things get any more out of hand it may start happening.

        *Literally. Camping out on marble floors is no fun.

        ** An odd form of 'labor tourism'. "Come see the wild-eyed protesters facing off with Scott Walker! Thrill to the chants of WHAT'S DISGUSTING, etc."

    • fishskicanoe
    • AddHomonym

      They could do this because of we're a REPUBLIC dammit!

  • Terry

    "Most everyone of you (Take a look at the photos) are people who are unattractive types (Michael Moore and you as just two examples) "

    Jack, hon, you are a cutie. Pay no attention to that guy. Just ask Andrew Breitbart.

  • SexySmurf

    Do you also have a webpage at Geocities?

    • SorosBot

      Hey, I still have a hotmail account too, for job application use, and yahoo for personal (the address was too unprofessional for the resume). Don't see any reason to change to a gmail account just because that's what all the cool kids are doing.

  • Blendergoathead

    Okay, I'm willing to cut a deal with the baggers. NPR will take Glenn Beck, but FOX has to take Prairie Home Companion.

    Fuck Prairie Home Companion in the nose.

    • DustBowlBlues

      Who told Garrison Keillor that people wanted to hear him sing and why did that person say that?

  • iburl

    Glenn Beck is f**king Adonis, as are ALL teabaggers.

  • keepem_sikanpor

    Jack, you're not uptight, you're not unattractive, you let loose tonight, you're radioactive!
    I can't read through 366 posts, sorry if it's a duplicate.

  • fuflans

    i don't know about anybody else, but something is slowing my beloved wonkette's website beyond the bounds of rational thought.

    i'm pretty sure it's that horrid child hugging that horrid rugrat.

    god. in the Final Days, please strike sentimentality first and hardest.

    • Jukesgrrl

      And after you do that, please let them know that Jesus wasn't blond.

  • WriteyWriterton

    Some guy named Lee something. Lee Reed? Not Lou Reed, that's for sure.

  • DustBowlBlues

    Shit. Where are the editors when Wisconsin blows up? Obviously, the Republithugs did this just as the wonket crew took for the night, because the WI Republithugs are scared of our vicious, vicious snark, not to mention the profanities.

    But unlike the WI Democrats, these thugs can't hide forever. The wonkeratti will have their metaphoric heads on pikes just minutes after Jack and Riley's hangovers wear off and they spring into snark action.

    And I ask once again: Where the fuck to contribute to the recall campaign(s) in Wisconsin?

    • EdFlintstone

      DustBB. your health news is the one bright spot in an other wise dreary day of news. I'm ready to open up the wallet for any recall effort.

      Is it just me or did Howard Fineman just jump the shark of "beltway insider thinking" that Hopey shouldn't be seen with unions and young people?

  • DustBowlBlues

    BTW–More than 300 replies? I'll take me and my healthy body to bed and stop by again tomorrow morning when we're dumping on Hosne MuWalker. I would feel like a really political analyst for predicting at the start of this mess that Hosne W was riding this union bitch to the WH (in his and Rinse Prepusses minds, at least) if it hadn't been so totally obvious that every other thinking person who watched the news was thinking exactly the same thing.

  • BarackMyWorld

    I'm still trying to figure out how libertarians always manage to connect "freedom" with "people deserve whatever happens to them" in just a few words.

  • OC_Surf_Serf

    fuck, I turn away from the Wonkette to do, you know, my job, and cum back to 400 comments??? God damn career!

    • XOhioan

      I know! I am upfisting every one of you lovelies.

  • Jukesgrrl

    IntenseDebate seems not to be handling us correctly. I'm getting E-mail replies to comments I made that aren't even here anymore.

    Ah, well … all the best to our Official Wonkette Representatives in Wisconsin. That means you, Commander & Friends. And DustbowlDaughter, wherever she is organizing tomorrow.
    GENERAL STRIKE!!!!!! (Do as the French do.)

  • Somehow I get a sneaking suspicion that commenter number 1 is not truly an "independent."

  • lulzmonger

    Unattractive types?!?
    Anime Schmeisser Grrl is NOT amused.

  • AntonovBureau

    All those emails and not a single one offering to sell gold? It's a very important hedge against these turbulent times.

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