SHARE

The first cut is the deepest.
2012 DILDO NEWS: “The most recent vibrator is Mike Huckabee,” reports George Will. George Will will not allow Republicans who talk about Barack Obama’s Kenyan birth to be the next president of the United States. That is uncouth. So, like a sporting gentleman, he will refer to them as dildos until they go away.

If pessimism is not creeping on little cat’s feet into Republicans’ thinking about their 2012 presidential prospects, that is another reason for pessimism. This is because it indicates they do not understand that sensible Americans, who pay scant attention to presidential politics at this point in the electoral cycle, must nevertheless be detecting vibrations of weirdness emanating from people associated with the party.

The most recent vibrator is Mike Huckabee

Common-sense conservatism: the Republican presidential nominee will be decided by a litter of kittens, and Americans can feel vibrators being stuck in their orifices even though they don’t read the newspaper.

George Will’s still got it. Home run! [WP]

$
Donate with CCDonate with CC
  • Hera Sent Me

    Is this one dildo to another?

    • Captain_Quark

      But Will did admit that the Huckster is a late model dildo. I think you need to picture him as some kind of futuristic, sleek, Apple-designed iBrator.

      • PsycWench

        Wait, "Huckabee" and the words "futuristic, sleek" do not belong in the same sentence. Or newspaper column or newspaper, for that matter.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      The thing is, if you read George Will closely, you will always find a dildo subtext. It's not usually quite this close to the surface, however.

  • jjdaddyo

    I vote we call Huckabee "The Jack Rabbit" from now on.

  • Oblios_Cap

    They've just started "detecting vibrations of weirdness emanating from people associated with the party"?

    Shit, I've been detecting that since back when Nixon was president.

    • SorosBot

      Hell, it was Nixon who began driving the Rockefeller wing of the GOP out of the party and pretty much handed it over to the crazies, while courting the crazed Southern white supremacists to jump ship from the Dems, which they did.

  • SorosBot

    Great, now I've got the image of Huckabee's head being shoved into a lady's vagina and it's just – ew.

  • The minute I read that line I knew it would end up here. Vibrator, indeed. If George Will could find one in the shape of a baseball bat with a picture of Mickey Mantle's face on it, he would never leave the house.

    • I had the same thought when I read that column — almost as if George Will was deliberately inserting himself into teh Wonkette.

      • tcaalaw

        I'm sure that our Wonkette would not allow herself to be knowingly inserted by the likes of George Will.

  • charlesdegoal

    Never thought I'd see the day when Will would side with the mau-maus.

    • riverside68

      Correction: Maui-Maui's

      That's better.

  • Ducksworthy

    Wow. The Wonkette headline is true. Will called Huckey a Dildo. That should do it for him. Lets see what happens next time he shows up on Jon Stewart's show.

  • nounverb911

    "The most recent vibrator is Mike Huckabee"
    Mrs. Huckabee must be ecstatic!

  • chickensmack

    Vibrators elicit pleasure. Huckabee is a yeast infection.

  • nounverb911

    Huckabee is going for the porn industry endorsement.

  • Mumbletypeg

    The poetic reference Will is quoting is from Carl Sandburg's "Magog Comes In On Little Cat Feet."

    • mereoblivion

      Magog pusher to the world,
      City of big head and shoulders

      • Let us just hope that Huckie is "the path not taken".

    • DoktorZoom

      This is Just to Say

      I have used
      the new dildo
      that just arrived
      from Good Vibrations

      and which
      you were probably
      saving
      for the weekend

      Fuck me
      it was huge
      so deep
      and so throbbing.

  • One human dildo recognizes another.
    ~

  • DaRooster

    Careful where you stick a Huckabee… might get Santorum on it.

  • BornInATrailer

    Being thin, white and leaning hard to the right, he's going to make a terrible dildo model.

    • kissawookiee

      More like self-inflating, but you have to wait three years apparently to get the full effect.

  • Captain_Quark

    Mike Huckabee has been outed. He's not even a true prick like John Boner — just a throbbing fake cock full of fail.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      And AA batteries.

    • CUNextTuesday

      "A throbbing fake cockfull of fail"

      That is sheer bloody poetry, Captain. I think I love you.

  • metamarcisf

    George Will's readership would be better served if he went back to writing those endless columns about what a shame it is that the Cubs never make it to the World Series.

  • harry_palmer

    Correction: Mike Huckabee is a dick.

  • genxr

    Usually after reading one of Will's columns I have to go calm myself down by looking at pictures of kittens. It would be very convenient if he could just include kittens in every column from now on.

    Stay away from that Huckabee vibrator. It may look slim now, but it can unexpectedly expand to 4x it's current size!

    Also. Kittens.

  • Saying that Mike Huckabuck is a vibrator is that it implies he can give people (in particular, females) orgasms.

    The answer is no.

    • Crank_Tango

      yeah i think huck is more like a plunger handle in a subway bathroom.

      • CUNextTuesday

        Well, ya know, if you're not too picky…

  • I got stuck at “sensible Americans”.
    Mr. Will has lost it.

    • LetUsBray

      He ever had it?

  • Troubledog

    George Will has a large vocabulary and knows a lot about baseball.

    • Well, he has a large vocabulary and gives blow jobs to Tony LaRussa.

      • OneDollarJuana

        Well, he has a big dictionary and ego to match.

        • Crank_Tango

          maybe we could get him a rhyming dictionary and he will launch his much-awaited rap career.

  • DaSandman

    Ah need one for pleasuring the missus! Been a looooong time since ah could look down and see mah pecker! Or the Arkansas Hardwood as I like to call it.

    • SorosBot

      Christian conservative men normally don't give a shit if the woman experiences any pleasure, leading to their wives spending a lot of time alone in the bathroom.

    • JoeBiteme

      That would be the only hardwood left in Arkansas, what with the 50 years of "harvesting" they've allowed…

  • LabRodent

    If Hucks the vibrator then who's the Anal beads. NEWT, NEWT NEWT

    • OneDollarJuana

      There's a Santorum joke in here somewhere…

      • DoktorZoom

        There's santorum all over the GOP. They're pretty much soaking in it.

  • edgydrifter

    Now with extra wattles for her pleasure.

  • Hatrabbit

    "Lady Chatterley turned on her Huckabbee vibrator and moaned as the whirring sound reached a high pitched squeal, like that of an agonized squirrel spinning inside a popcorn popper."

    • Dammit, I got coffee on the monitor! :-P

    • DoktorZoom

      Excerpt from Lady Chatterly's Blubber

  • freakishlywrong

    Why does George Fuck the World Will have a platform anywhere? He's been a wrong and awful dildo for most of my adult life. At what point are any of these assholes just utterly dismissed?

    • PsycWench

      Answer that question and you'll have explained Fox News.

      • Rotundo_

        And the Washington Post opinion staff.

  • Gopherit

    Huckabee…..as a vibrator? Could be call him Moby Dick?

    All I can think of now is the old Jell-o jingle. "Watch it wiggle….see it jiggle…"

  • LiveToServeYa

    Mike Huckabee is a vibrator oscillating the base until it resonates. Just like one loon answering the call of another, Huckabee poetically dances the lead in Loon Lake but with less girl-on-girl action.

    • DoktorZoom

      Listen, Norman–they're caaalling each other!

  • Buzz Feedback

    Huck is no dildo. 100% butt plug.

    • genxr

      Are you sure he's "anal safe?" Or in 2012 is America going to go into the proctologist and say, "I got this thing stuck up in there, I don't know how but can you get it out?"

      • An_Outhouse

        Its David Koch's hand.

  • jjdaddyo

    Oh, God, The Douche Hat. Can we put him in the Thunderdome with David Brooks? At least only one of them would come out.

    • Callyson

      If only. My money says they would make a half – hearted attempt to go after each other for about five minutes, then they would quietly walk out of there and go for a coffee, all while discussing the "wisdom" of Saint Ronnie.

  • baconzgood

    Oh.Oh.OH!OH!!OH!!!!! YES!!!!!!! YES!!!!!!!!! HUCKABEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    As long as you have fresh batteries you'll never let our electorate-Va-JJ down.

  • mereoblivion

    "Piffle? Or not piffle?"
    "Piffle."

  • That's consistent with Repubican obsession with things inside of ladies. Like new Texas law requiring a transvaginal sonogram prior to an abortion, so the lady can see inside her own lady parts. Whatever happened to not wanting the government between a patient and her doctor?

    • freakishlywrong

      Oh, no. It's ok to have STATE Government in your uterus. It's in the tenth amendment.

    • CUNextTuesday

      Government between patient and her doctor = bad
      Government mandated dildo-cam between patient and her doctor = good

  • Republican presidential nominee will be decided by a litter of kittens

    Science shows a cross-eyed possum makes a more reasoned selection, of Rethugs that is.

    • jim89048

      Well, that explains Walker…

  • alaninthecastro

    The thing is, Republican butt plugs make Republican dildoes look like moderates.

  • Weenus299

    "I'm tired of convoluted, elitist-sounding, confusion-on-paper known as the everyday American political column. The most recent vibrator is George Will."

    See? I can do it. They pay Hummin' George megabucks for a trade anyone can master should they purchase a Webster's and a Roget's.

  • carlgt1

    draft Steely Dan Quayle as GOP nominee!

    • Oblios_Cap

      It certainly took long enough for someone to make a gratuitous Steely Dan reference in regards to this post.

      Well played, Sir or ma'am!

  • 102415

    Doesn't he mean "lying dildo"?

  • hagajim

    Takes a dildo to know a dildo…but I agree with Buzz Feedback…Huck is much more of a buttplug, my question is which Repug is Will going to label as the upfist?

  • SorosBot

    Shorter Douthat: All those young girls today are total sluts! Why won't they sleep with me?

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Or maybe: "The only girls that aren't icky are the one ones who don't want to touch my thing. I'm most likely gay but don't know it yet."

  • OneDollarJuana

    Ross points out studies that show that people (especially wimmen-folk) are happier when they have a stable sexual partner and a very limited history of different partners. Of course they do in a society that still proscribes premarital and promiscuous sex. If these studies were done in sexually-open societies I'm guessing the results might be a bit different.

    Douche.

  • ttommyunger

    …and George Will is a prick, a teeny-tiny pinkish turtle-headed little prick… Like a Dick, only smaller, much, much smaller.

  • baconzgood

    I was looking for matches in my gal's night stand on Saturday and saw her vibrator. It didn't look like Huckabee.

  • The_Great_Gazoo

    I prefer the Gingrich 2012 over the Huckabee 2008. While it's a little stickier and not quite as girthy, it has a bigger head, and that suits me.

  • x111e7thst

    George F Will knows a lot about dildos. Vibrating, double sided dildos. Of the kind that feel best under a double layer of heavy neoprene.

  • Callyson

    My vibrator objects to the comparison of a product that promotes health and happiness to the likes of Mike Huckabee.

  • PsycWench

    Well, I love this line about some sociologists' research finds a significant correlation between sexual restraint and emotional well-being, between monogamy and happiness — and between promiscuity and depression

    He even forgoes the obligatory "of course correlation doesn't mean cause" and dives right into assuming that promiscuity CAUSES depression, etc. Possible personal issues there as well.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      So if I wanna get laid, I should look for the really depressed chick with the most emotional troubles?

      OK, now I'm depressed.

      • SorosBot

        But emotionally traumatized girls are great in bed!

        • jim89048

          Daddy?

    • GOPCrusher

      This is bad news for Brisket Palin.

  • Extemporanus

    VOTE for MIKE FUCKSAWBEE in 2012!

  • mourningnmerica

    Huckabee = desperate for attention
    Palin = desperate for attention
    Newt = desperate for attention
    Bachmann = desperate for attention
    Pawlenty = desperate for attention
    Mittens = playing it cool.
    Looks like Mittens is going to be the nominee. Oh, great, our next President is the guy who thinks that he gets to become a God and rule planet Zoltar after he dies.
    I am, albeit reluctantly, throwing my support behind Jimmy McMillan.

    • HistoriCat

      You must have missed the Trump story. Although Jimmy McMillan would make a kickass presidential contender.

    • DoktorZoom

      The vibrator is too damn high

  • Oblios_Cap

    Huck's the vibrator that rotates Geoge's bow tie!

  • randcoolcatdaddy

    Speaking of vibrators, has George Will come up with anything to say about Sarah Palin?

  • kissawookiee

    Mike Huckabee: now illegal in Alabama except for novelty or educational purposes.

  • El Pinche

    It's a compliment. A vibrator is an enhanced dildo. You librals need to open a book!

  • BlueStateLibel

    And the interesting thing is that both Will and Douthat are both probably virgins; those that talk about it the most do it the least, I've learned.

  • DoktorZoom

    We're all supporters of the Sybian Liberation Army

  • An_Outhouse

    It adorable when an old figures out 'page views', their importance, and how to get them.

    • Oblios_Cap

      Respect your elders, you young whippersnapper.

  • Nopantsmcgee

    I read this article by Mr Fwill and immediately thought the vibrator comment would make it to Wonkette. I just foresaw it. I need to get off the grid for a few weeks if I'm getting this good at predicting the snark.

  • Dudleydidwrong

    Holy shit in your hat! Don't EVER relate Grace to that butt plug George. Grace is always the queen of the night. George is always a fucking, baseball bat-sucking dink. You must have had some mean acid. Now I've got to go gargle with Clorox.

    • DoktorZoom

      Will and Grace? People still watch that?

      • jim89048

        Most underrated comment of the morning, right there.

  • OneYieldRegular

    What do we really know about Mike Huckabee? He's a self-admitted conservative who's aligned with right wing causes. He shows up regularly on a news network owned by a foreigner. He comes from a state where the KKK was active. What, for instance, was the opinion of his father in 1957 when mobs in Little Rock actually threatened to lynch African-American adolescents just trying to get a high school education? I would like to know more about this guy. He doesn't seem like someone who has the same kind of world view as most Americans. He just seems, I don't know, DIFFERENT.

  • KochFembot

    If Will is trying to get rid of Huckabee, using words is not the way to do it. Will needs to trick the Shuckster into thinking his foot is a turkey leg so he will eat himself.

  • buford2k10

    Thank you Wonkettes for dragging me back up into the gutter. I don't know how I'd feel without a good dildo jolt. Huck is running for Butt Plug, and Georgie is collecting santorum for future use.

  • DoktorZoom

    George Willy.

  • jim89048

    "What's the dildo?"
    //$P

  • deanbooth

    STFU, George. You're harshing my buzz.

  • PublicLuxury

    It is very inappropriate to refer to my wonderful pleasure devices as a Mike Huckabee. I get a lot of pleasure from my electronics and George Will is trying to take that away. Why is George Will Soros after my happiness?

  • horsedreamer_1

    Sssh! The blog that dare not speak its name.

    Seriously, it has literally been sent to the attic by Gawker Media.

  • Eve8Apples

    If the Huckster is a vibrator, would someone please stuff him up Glenn Beck's ass?

  • BarackMyWorld

    Fuckabees.

  • As St. Molly of Austin once said, "It's rip and read, right off the ticker." You cannot make this stuff up!

Previous articleWall Street Journal Going To End This Wisconsin Standoff Itself
Next article#1 Real America Grocery List Discovered In Walmart