It pleads the Fifth.So this is totally normal, sane thing to do: “A fetus has been scheduled as a legislative witness in Ohio on a unique bill that proposes outlawing abortions after the first heartbeat can be medically detected.” When the fetus refuses to answer the committee’s questions, will it be held in contempt and arrested? What exactly happens when we start charging fetuses with crimes? It’s probably illegal to arrest the mother too, right? So we’re going to have to forcibly remove that fetus from that woman if it refuses to come out with its (non-existent) hands up. And we’ll lock it up in jail overnight so it learns its—whoops.

An aide to committee Chairman Lynn Wachtmann said a pregnant woman will be brought before the committee and an ultrasound image of her uterus will be projected onto a screen. The heartbeat of the fetus will be visible in color.

Did the fetus consent to this? Why isn’t this committee forcing other fetuses to testify? Where do babies come from? So many questions. [WJW via The Awl]

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  • Barbara_i

    No one of ultrasound mind would submit to something so stupid.

    • NorthStarSpanx

      You know damn well that that Whisky Tango pregnant woman is so proud. The fetus will get to shadow the Buckeye mascot for a day and play with Tripp in a special E interview.

    • Barbara_i

      Hey Gals! Anyone think that we should lend our uterus as "expert witnesses?" I am hoping that Johnny Depp is the process server.

  • PublicLuxury

    What do you wear to a fetus hearing?

    • genxr

      Your best jar!

      • SayItWithWookies

        Chunky or creamy?

    • Cicada

      Your business-casual umbilical cord.

      • Extemporanus

        Umbilical corduroys?

      • DaRooster

        Unbiblical Cord

    • court5346

      Your sluttiest mom

    • bflrtsplk

      Never mind you. What does the fetus wear? It can't go to a public hearing in its, um, birthday suit. What WILL people think?

      • PublicLuxury

        They will think I am a terrible mother! Then as soon as the fetus is born they will take it away and give it to a playground masturbating pastor

      • LionelHutzEsq

        This sets a precedent. From now on, everyone should show up at Ohio Legislative hearings in the nude. Nude and inside a woman, if you can pull that off.

        • comrad_darkness

          I don't know how *your* best nights are spent . . .

    • court5346

      your best dress-censor-bar to cover those pesky prematurely developed genitals!

      • PublicLuxury

        The naughty bits would send the jury into vapors

        • problemwithcaring

          All those titillated Republican legislators — we are really asking for trouble.

    • PsycWench

      No fur. Fur is Dead.

      • genxr

        Didn't Elmo appear before Congress a natural?

    • baconzgood

      What ever you wear be sure to use the coat hangers.

    • EdFlintstone

      A look of disgust.

      • Gleem_McShineys

        Perhaps a fetching blue waffle collar?

    • MildMidwesterner

      A beautiful golden halo / remnants of a broken condom.

    • Hondo


  • Cicada


    • Hatrabbit

      I know. I know.

      The stupid is just getting so … fucking … stupid.

  • Steverino247

    Since when can a sound (i.e., a heartbeat) be seen in color?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    The fetus will defer to it's big brother, the eTrade spokesbaby.

    • MrsBiggTime

      If ever there were a reason to be pro-choice, it's that damn smarmy baby. Would be cool to see that tot kidnapped and sold to a wealthy but childless couple from the Ukraine. Or left in a Ford with the windows rolled up while Mom's giving head to a 10th grader, to make ends meet.

    • smokefilledroommate

      That infant is a total douchebag.

  • Captain_Quark

    Wow, we now have dead people soliciting funds for candidates and fetuses testifying at hearings. This is what the teabaggers meant when they talked about broadening their appeal beyond the old whitey demographic.

    • problemwithcaring

      Yes, the dead and unborn are intellectually superior to, more tolerant and more articulate than most teabaggers, but hey – it's a big tent.

    • IonaTrailer

      Well, I'm from Chicago, and we let dead people vote…..

  • PublicLuxury

    Why is only the woman present? It was the man's holy seed that started the mess why doesn't he have to have his testicles ultasound-ed?

    • Not_So_Much

      Because some legislator will be jacking off somewhere anyway — they can just use that tissue.

      • PublicLuxury

        You mean he is spilling his holy seed without a womb present to capture the creamy goodness? Isn't that a criminal action these days?

        • bflrtsplk

          Not if you're Republican, it ain't.

    • Yeah, they ought to bring in a homunculus to testify.

    • mayor_quimby

      ME:Gentlemen of the committee, I present for your review Deez
      Representative Dickwad: And who is Deez?
      ME: Deeeez Nuuuttttss!!, biatch!

  • OneDollarJuana

    This foetus won't even make it to the silence-initiating-contempt part of the hearing. The foetus won't be able to put it's flipper on the Bible to swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, and will be in contempt before it starts to not answer. Besides, it'll leave a wet spot on the witness chair. Ick.

    • chicken_thief

      I wanna see mommy standing on her head so little Jr can raise his right hand right through the love canal. They should sell tickets for these hearings – the state would make millions.

  • GregComlish

    Is this the same fetus that was caught jerking off in an unmarked Utility Van near a crowded playground?

    • MrsBiggTime

      Chairman Lynn Wachtmann: "The chair recognizes the sticky contents of the used paper towel found in Rev. Grant Storm's van. Sticky contents, thank you for taking time to testify at this hearing. I understand you have a prepared statement?"
      Sticky contents: "I do."

      • DaRooster

        I dew

  • Steverino247

    Zealots for Zygotes strikes again. There is no limit to willful stupidity in the United States of America.

    • GOPCrusher

      I think we have surpassed Bill Frist diagnosing Terri Schiavo by video level of stupidity.

  • baconzgood

    "When the fetus refuses to answer the committee’s questions, will it be held in contempt and arrested?"

    It's the next logical step. Now that most of the brown people are in jail we have to find someone else to lock up to keep the penal industrial complex in buisness.

    "Penal Complex")

    • Barbara_i

      …will it be held in contempt and arrested? Nah, they will keep it in a holding womb until learns its lesson.

      • keepem_sikanpor

        From the sounds of it, this was will be held in solitary confinement.

    • GOPCrusher

      Will the fetus be tried as a juvenile?

      • baconzgood

        Not in Tex-ass.

    • buford2k10

      How do you waterboard a fetus? That'll get the truth.

      • baconzgood

        Tisss….You know nothing about the "Bush/Dick" freedoom fundus camps in every amer-minions uterU.S.A..? Commie bastard! Watch more Glenn Beck!!!

  • SayItWithWookies

    Oh, I sure hope an Ohio legislator has a bib with a picture of a little baby on it he/she can wear to the hearing.

    • frostbitefalls

      Or just a t-shirt reading "World's Best Grandpa of a Zygote"

  • OC_Surf_Serf

    …and then they abort the child and show the court how a D&E works.
    The End.

    • smokefilledroommate

      curettage, not eurattage! hmmm–eurattage will be my new term for 'eurotrash'–thanks!

  • nounverb911

    Will George Bush's brother be there?

    • comrad_darkness

      Too soon!

  • FNMA

    Can't wait for the fetus to go all Alberto Gonzales on their asses.

  • MinAgain

    I hope the fetus gives them all the finger.

    • it can't…. there are only arm buds. without fingers

      • MinAgain

        Well, then, I hope the fetus moons them all.

        • That is guaranteed being naked and all… What is wrong with put a naked person on display?

      • smokefilledroommate

        The fetus stumps them all?

      • GOPCrusher

        So how does the fetus smoke a cigarette in that anti-smoking commercial?

  • Repubicans think life in the womb is sacred and will stop at nothing to protect it. Outside the womb, it's a big "fuck you" when it comes to health care, environment, education, job safety.

    • undeterredbyreality

      "As soon as you're born
      They make you feel small,
      By giving you no time
      Instead of it all.
      . . .
      If you want to be a hero
      Well just follow me."

    • GOPCrusher

      Love the fetus, hate the child.

    • comrad_darkness

      Are you kidding, before baptism, that baby is on the highway to hell. Theology doesn't fuck around with this shit.

    • Ducksworthy

      As somebody, probably on here said: I won't vote for the republicans. They haven't given a shit about me since I was a fetus.

  • NorthStarSpanx

    This small government will have to create a new bureaucracy – The Department of Life Confirmation. So long as they can give a job to former Senator Bill Frist or Dr. Rand Paul?

    They'll order mandatory ultrasound belts (brought to you by a Koch Bros. subsidiary) that will be affixed (once the chastity belts have been removed upon receipt of a Marriage Certificate) to every ovulating female.

    I hear periods are hitting us as early as 9 now, these austerity measures reducing the quality of life for all us living will be lost in monitoring all these fetuses who are on their own once they have the nerve to be born premature.

  • nounverb911

    "The heartbeat of the fetus will be visible in color."
    A bleeding heart red? Sounds socialist.

  • problemwithcaring

    Since a fetus can apparently take an oath and testify, if mother dies at childbirth, can a fetus be prosecuted?

    We can raid Barbara Bush's jelly preserve cabinet to provide a decent jury of its peers.

    • the_problem_child

      Sure, why not. In fact, why not invent some brand new crimes for the kidlets? Like internal organ assault and parasitism.

  • I suppose to make his point really hit home he’ll then abort the fetus after the ultrasound. Messy but effective.

  • missemish

    re: heartbeat "seeing" you can see the blob pulsing, and that, my friends is LIFE. PUREEEEEEEE INNOCENTTTT LIFEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

    • smokefilledroommate

      The fetus reportedly goes by the first name "Blob".

    • keepem_sikanpor

      When I read pureeeeee, I thought purée.

      • missemish

        That works too fetus=life puree. Succint AND accurate.

  • PsycWench

    If it is a Republican male baby it will probably be masturbating. AWKWARD.

    • chicken_thief

      There is a picture of man ass inside the womb?!

  • baconzgood

    This is going to be some more of the same fetus grand standing and evasive fetus answers to direct questions.

  • XOhioan

    The fetus will be nude and its image will be projected on to a screen. This is clearly child pornography.

  • SexySmurf

    Then they'll perform a colonoscopy on Lynn Wachtmann so we can all see where he gets these brilliant ideas.

  • MrsBiggTime

    Next: the Million Blastocyst March.

    • problemwithcaring

      Otherwise know as, "The Palins Get Their Periods"

  • Gorillionaire

    I thought the new congress critters were going to get us some jerbs.

  • Hatrabbit

    What a great legal precedent.

    Looking forward to Barbara Bush's Fetus-In-a-Jar testifying against big brother George W. in his war crimes trial.

  • SorosBot

    Someone should tell this moronic legislator that biologists discovered a long time ago that our thoughts and feelings come from our brains, not our hearts. Seriously, how the fuck is when a fetus' heartbeat begins in any way relevant to abortion?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Keep yer damn science out of the way of my superstitious preconceived notions deeply held beliefs!

    • Ducksworthy

      The cool thing is that the cells that will make up the heart begin a coordinated contraction (beat) long before the heart is formed. Also, somebody at the U of M, stripped a mouse heart of all living cells, leaving just a cartilaginous shell. They introduced embryonic stem cells into the mixture and grew a beating heart. Of course, the point of these hearings is that embryonic stem cells are murder and we should all die of diabetes and heart disease as Gawd intended. Amen.

    • Redhead

      Many of them are performed before there is a heartbeat or before the heartbeat can be heard on an ultrasound anyway.

  • jus_wonderin

    Fetus? Wasn't he in Gunsmoke?

    • Oblios_Cap

      Missy Kitty aborted him, so Marshall Dillon adopted Chester.

    • DaRooster

      It was UNCLE FETUS… the Addams Family.

  • cheetojeebus

    We live in a great nation, Jack.

    A Great Nation….<sobbing salty tears that are wiped up with tissues not made by Georgia Pacific>

  • Extemporanus

    Does Chairman Lynn intend to shove a Bible up the woman's vagina when it's time for the fetus to take the oath?

    • Hatrabbit


      Pretend Jesus just struck somebody off the 'Going To Heaven' list.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Maybe they could use one of them pocket size bibles, to go with the pocket size constitution.

      • MadBrahms

        And for the first time, C-SPAN descends into bizarre niche porn, sending all 5 viewers into shock.

    • gullywompr

      Dunno, but I'm tired of having fetuses shoved down our throats.

  • Oblios_Cap

    It's a good thing that there are no more important issues that need to be addressed so that the legislators can concentrate on shit like this.

    • nounverb911

      Well, since everyone in Ohio has a job and their houses are all paid for, the legislators have nothing else to do, except maybe beatify Wood Hayes.

    • DaRooster

      Yeah, didn't Mark McGuire & Barry Bonds do steroids or something?

  • samsuncle

    So many questions. Should a fetus be arrested for assault and battery when it kicks it's mom?

    • problemwithcaring

      Or when it gives the mother diabetus?

      • DaRooster

        There's a great band name-

        Diabetus Fetus!

        Thanks Prob…

  • Why? and doesn't a fetus who's heart beat can just be detected still have gills? Will those be pointed out as well?

    • SorosBot

      Silly, god would not have created humans to go through stages that resemble other animals in their development! They cannot have gills, or tails either, and if it looks like they do there must be something wrong with the image.

      • Ooops. Well, as I am on the outs with god's peeps, I must have missed the memo.

      • SayItWithWookies

        Or, as the creation scientists [sic] put it, ontology recapitulates tautology.

      • Ducksworthy

        Whoever said that ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny? (Not that it does, but sort of certainly.)

  • aguacatero

    "Second trimester, instead of the normal courses, I'm doing an externship in the state legislature."

  • Or they will have to do a transvaginal ultrasound.

  • sportshort

    If it can't put its hand on the Bible I can't trust it.

  • El Pinche

    Who's the committee coordinator for Ohio … Aphex Twin/Chris Cunningham??

  • undeterredbyreality

    Sperm goes up, Fetus goes down. Who can explain it?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Wachtmann: "So, fetus, are you a living being or what?"

    Fetus: "Damn, I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition!!"

    • baconzgood

      NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!!! Our chief wepon is suprise….and fear.

  • how is babby formed?

    • baconzgood

      You can't explain it!

    • Troubledog

      how girl get pragnent?

  • EdFlintstone

    Nice to see that Ohio is not going to sitback and get out retarded by the southern states.

  • undeterredbyreality

    As we continue our journey back in time, I'd like to get off at about the Renaissance–they were fairly enlightened people–unless it's too late.

    Next stop: Spanish Inquisition.

    (Baldar–ya beat me to it.)

  • RodneyBadger

    I demand to see the fetus's birth certificate.

    • the_problem_child

      Not a natural born citizen? We don't want to hear your testimony.

      • SorosBot

        What happens if that fetus is from its' mother's womb untimely ripped?

        • SayItWithWookies

          Nothing yet — but keep an eye on Burnham Wood.

  • Glad to see that Ohio's economy is just so white hot that the Buckeye State's salons have time for this sort horse puckie. Mehbe they should be out using the ultrasound to see if any of their bridges are getting ready to do a Minnesota swan dive.

  • Redhead

    Wait… just HOW pregnant is this woman? Because until about four or five months along, the location of the uterus/fetus is such that the fetus can't be seen and the heartbeat can't be heard with the ultrasound wand running over the belly, like you see on TV.

    Before that point, they take the wand, lube it up real good, and stick it in your hoo-ha to see and hear the fetus. I'd like to think they wouldn't make a pregnant woman do that in front of the committee.. but I'm sure these people pushing the bill are the same who think it's not rape if you don't have a black eye and that women should be punished if they have a miscarriage because the man's sperm was defective, so who knows….

    • GOPCrusher

      It's OK. The woman doing this is probably a good Xtian woman, so she probably is going to show the committee her Hoo-Haw for Jeebus. And the members of the committee are fine Xtian fellows, so they will have the good taste to not look.

      • Redhead

        I'm assuming this will be videotaped though… and the minister down the street told me that Jeebus frowns on porn, whether it's homemade or professional…

  • bumfug

    In related news, a load of jizz has been nominated to the Ohio Supreme Court.

    • GOPCrusher

      Is it's name, Taft?

    • DarwinianDemon

      I move the jizz recuse itself from this case! It was seen partying with what is now a blastocyst in the milkman's ballsack 5 days ago.

  • The fetus will have to dumb down his testimony so the teatards in the legislature can keep up with him.

  • mereoblivion

    That's okay, really.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I think they should get the big giant galactic fetus from the last scene of 2001 to testify. Except it's over 40 years old now.

  • Ducksworthy

    Coffee , nose to keyboard. Thanks a lot.

  • mereoblivion

    "The heartbeat of the fetus will be visible in color." Living color?

  • 4tehlulz_lite

    If the fetus testifies that it's alive, then it dies in childbirth, did it commit perjury?

  • hopefully the conservative committee members will be too turned on to do whatever the hell it is they're meant to be doing

  • GuyClinch

    Maybe, like most kids, the fetus will be all rebellious and be holding a tiny Planned Parenthood or NARAL sign, just to piss its mom off.

  • mereoblivion

    Dear Ohio, Wisconsin, Arizona, Utah, Nebraska, Texas, Georgia, . . .

    • LionelHutzEsq

      You forgot Florida and South Carolina. How can you forget Florida and South Carolina?

      • baconzgood

        Alabama, lest we not forget those douche bags.

  • jrients

    I wonder if any of the folks involved in this move have ever heard of In Utero Fetal Masturbation? They could be in for quite a little show.

  • Ruhe

    Warning to wrongly accused fetuses: There is no minority report.

    • mereoblivion

      Not even from the female precog.

  • DashboardBuddha

    This is just getting weirder and weirder…and not in a fun way.

  • Terry

    Someone on the committee should ask the pregnant woman the following question:

    Should decisions regarding your baby be made by you or this committee?

    • Ducksworthy

      Or the baby. I seem to recall that something like 30%-35% of the "products of conception" are spontaneously aborted because of malformation or incompatibility between the zygote/blastocyst and the host. If that happens in this woman's case, she will be immediately executed.

    • baconzgood

      If I could up fist you more Terry….

    • problemwithcaring

      Who says the little woman gets to speak?

  • LionelHutzEsq

    I'm just waiting for the fetus to put its fist up and shout "Anarchy Now" as soon as the camera lights go on. That will teach the parents to use their blog of cells as a prop.

  • MrsBiggTime

    Tweet from my pal JC_Christian:
    "I was thinking of demanding they call an Iraqi corpse, but that, unlike their fetus-witness, that would be tasteless, you know"

  • Radiotherapy

    If this charade goes on long enough, it will develop into a debate about Labor.

    • mereoblivion

      Why does Gov. Wanker hate collective fetal bargaining?

      • Radiotherapy

        The nation’s governors don’t need a lecture from a President who has never balanced a budget or protected one innocent blastocyst.

  • ph7

    Whoever served that subpoena deserves a raise and/or a cigarette.

  • problemwithcaring

    I am sure that it escapes these Congressfungi that for the fetus to even be there and give its testimonial heartbeat, the woman (also known as the "Baby Making Thingy with Boobs") had to 1) chose to be there, 2) and consent to her fetus being used in this way.

  • prommie

    Do female fetuses have equal rights with male fetuses?

    • Ducksworthy

      No. Females are basically the dirt in which the male homunculus grows. Hence XX (i.e. pornographic) fetus (fetae?) do not have equal rights with the manly XY zygotes.

  • Dear Jebus, this country is awash in stupid!

  • chickensmack

    A fetus that is afforded this much concern (of its welfare, safety and awareness) should be awarded the rights of a normal citizen.

    THUS, that should include Constitutional protection, including the right of fourth-Amendment privilege to privacy. This is something the fetus should not have to invoke it, but enjoy it tacitly. This includes its own heartbeat.

    THEREFORE, this case is invalid, as the fetus's heartbeat is expunged from evidence.

    If it is allowed, and the case proceeds, then Dick Cheney is not alive, and we may do what we wish with his sort-of-corpse.

  • Trannysurprise

    If I were Jarbra, I would just plead the fifth.

  • Zombie_Reagan


  • JimmyPete

    Hey Republicans are known to be babies, now a Fetus can lead them. Probably do a better job than Palin.

  • The fetus might as well also demand an end to collective bargaining while it's there. Why the hell not.

  • GOPCrusher


    R.I.P. Suze Rotolo

  • x111e7thst

    Fuck this shit and the WalMart mobility scooter it rode in on.

  • Bluestatelibel

    So if having a heartbeat supposedly means you're a human being, what does this say about Dick Cheney, who has no heartbeat? I have a confused.

    • DaRooster

      Yep, can we see the death certificate.

  • mavenmaven

    betcha it won't be a black fetus.

    • SorosBot

      Or this woman's husband might be in for a but of a surprise.

  • hagajim

    A fetus hearing, filled with fetid fucks who can't find their finger unless its up their friggin ass.

    • Worthly Wokette Skum

      A fetus hearing, filled with fetid fucks who can't find their finger unless its up their friggin ass fundament.

  • BeccaGo

    I would like them to call my uterus as a rebuttal witness, to contest the legal right of the fetus to inhabit it.

  • Naked_Bunny

    Maybe they should just show that one in-uterus scene from David Lynch's Dune instead.

  • mumbly_joe

    Wachtmann Fetus Trial.

  • ingloriousbytch

    If the pregnant woman were Muslim, Kenyan and gay, they'd perform the abortion on the statehouse floor with a spork, screaming "NEVER AGAIN!!!" the whole time.

  • Blendergoathead

    I didn't really NEED yet another reason/opportunity to bag on Ohio, but here it is, delivered to my internet machine in all its stupid glory.

    If they tase the mom, will the little fetus dance? DANCE, FETUS, DANCE!

  • __kth__

    I'm not a discharge!

  • fuflans

    i'm sorry but this is just gross.

    gross gross gross ohio.

  • I can't wait until this "fetus" reaches the age of consent and recants the testimony.

  • karen

    Get me the fuck out of this state.

  • Ducksworthy

    Of course its a long time since these fuckwits were "sexually active" in a way that might lead to procreation so, to be fair, they wouldn't know that. Fair to fuckwits. the Ducks way.

  • jim89048

    The same people(?) that think putting the image of a fetus on a monitor in a hearing is cool are the same people(again,?) that scream the loudest about their own image being seen on an airport security screen.

  • JackObin

    I may never get a boner again. Now I can sympathize with Pugsly Limbaugh.

  • owhatever

    And if that bitch miscarries that precious fetal, she will be executed.

  • This stuff must look so weird to people who live in civilized countries with culture and decorum.

  • ttommyunger

    I feel sympathy for any right-minded legislators who might be present who will have to sit there and through "guilt by association" be connected to this distasteful and demeaning exercise. But then, this is Ohio, so that prolly falls well within the fat chance category.

  • Karma_Suture

    Dick goes in. Dick comes out. Fetus appears. Never a miss-communication. How does that happen? Nobody knows.

    • tessiee

      Also, f*cking magnets, how do they work?

  • Gleem_McShineys

    For the oath, is the transvaginal bible might be pretty interesting too.

  • Janinthepan

    Goddammit Ohio! I just spent all day protesting the worst bill to ever be created, and now this? Fuck this state, and all the people who voted for these assholes.

  • MadBrahms

    I don't know; that sounds like a recipe for freakish, tunnel-sequence-in-Willy-Wonka-esque nightmare trip to me. The last thing I want to do is "taste" John Boehner, or his state legislature equivalent.

  • Angry_Marmot

    Fetus, start movin'!

  • salt_bagel

    I suppose if the fetus didn't cooperate, the mother could threaten to miscarry it on purpose.

  • catmaw12

    Then can we watch as Newtie the Newt has a prostate ultrasound? (the probe goes up his butt!) Can we have popcorn too?

    • gullywompr

      Too much Santorum.

  • lulzmonger

    Wow … just … fuckin' WOW.

    I think even those Borneo tribesmen who worship plants & fear evil spirits would take one look at this shit & go, "Damn, you folks really are about seventeen flavors of batshit, aren't you?"

    Lynn Wachtmann, your SICK FUCK card is in the mail.

  • askmrlizard

    First question should be:
    Would you state your name for the record.

  • OurHoboSenator
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