This year’s Super Bowl may not include Tim Tebow lecturing America about nearly-aborted fetuses, but it has something even better: Lord Ronald Reagan! Some soulless libtards planned the Super Bowl to be on Reagan’s 100th birthday, so to make up for this, the event will now include a pre-game circle jerk tribute to this dead president. (Haha, most American’s will probably be too drunk/too busy with their chicken wings and sex slaves by kick-off to even notice it’s happening.) Why is football no longer just a safe space for pole dancing, strippers, and the occasional concussion? Here’s where to catch the big game in D.C.

  • Arlington Cinema and Draft House: Think about how great it is to watch grown men pummel each other on HD teevee and then think about how much better this could be on a movie screen. Arlington Cinema and Drafthouse will be showing the game on Sunday, and their full bar will be available for the event. Doors open at 4:30PM. [Arlington Cinema and Draft House]
  • Againn: Can you actually watch football at a British Pub? Sure, why not, especially if the Pub is serving Guinness-soaked pretzels. Againn will be offering a “Dine and Draft Menu” on Sunday where $15 gets you a draft beer as well as a beefburger, fish and chips, veggie pie, shepherd’s pie, or bangers n’ mash. Or, for $10, you can get a pulled-pork sandwich with coleslaw, pork rinds, or smoked chicken wings. Draft beers will be $5 and oysters will be sold for $2 each. [Againn]
  • Nage Bistro: The Super Bowl starts at 6:30PM, but if you’re going to make it through the opening tribute, we recommend starting early with brunch. Nage is offering a special Super Bowl steak sandwich that comes topped with melted Wisconsin cheddar, smoked onions, and Tabasco aioli and served with truffle fries. Their brunch also includes bottomless Mimosas and Bloody Marys for $15. [Nage Bistro]
  • Old Glory: The only thing better than the Super Bowl AND Ronald Reagan is all you can eat BBQ and beer. Old Glory is offering an all-you-can-eat menu on their deck starting at 4:30PM and the menu includes endless helpings of pork sliders, mini cheese steaks, and chicken wings, as well as a nacho bar. The only problem is you have to go to Georgetown to enjoy it. [Old Glory]
  • The Mighty Pint: Note: This is a Steelers bar. Do not go here if you are rooting for the Packers and/or are apathetic (that’s just as bad). The bar will be offering specials on cheesesteaks and selling pitchers of Yuengling for $12 and Miller Lite for $10. [The Mighty Pint]
  • Public Bar: If you’re serious about ending Sunday in cardiac arrest, head to Public Bar. They will be offering a heavy appetizer buffet as well as an open bar on domestic beer and rail drinks from 4PM until the end of the first quarter for $40. If you choose not to indulge in this death-producing buffet, domestic drafts will be $3 until halftime, $2 during the third quarter and $1 during the fourth quarter. Food specials include 25-cent wings and $5 hamburgers. Doors open at 11AM. [Public Bar]
  • McFadden’s: Should you be in college or eager to get an STD, may we suggest McFadden’s? Their Super Bowl special is $30 for appetizers, an open bar and the chance to win your very own plasma teevee. [McFadden’s]
  • Acadiana: The Saints aren’t in the Super Bowl this year, which means everyone is welcome at Acadiana for the game. Specials include $5 cocktails and $4 draft beers, as well as half-off their bar food menu. [Acadiana]
  • Saint Ex:What would Washingtonians do if they could not get “elevated bar food” during the Super Bowl? There would be a massive looting of all the furniture stores on 14th Street, followed by binge shopping at Whole Foods. The “elevated” Super Bowl menu at Saint Ex includes chicken-confit tater tots with Dijon aioli, potato skins with prosciutto and fontina, and escargot and goat cheese poppers. They will also be serving Leinenkugel and Iron City Light beer. [Saint Ex]
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  • nounverb911

    So which bar is the best to cut and run from?

    • SorosBot

      My kitchen table.

  • New Conservatard Motto: "Wank one for the Gipper."

  • Schmannnity

    More concussions=more Republicans.

    • SorosBot

      Damn you for beating me to the concussion joke.

      • LionelHutzEsq

        I know. And yet is there any better place to celebrate the Gipper than where most everyone is suffering from head trauma?

    • Maybe he didn't have Alzheimer's Reagan Syndrome after all. It was the concussions during modern dance class.

      • SorosBot

        Or during his valiant service in WWII, fighting actors pretending to be Nazis.

  • SorosBot

    A sport whose players often receive permanent brain damage from multiple concussions is appropriate for a celebration of Raygun.

    • OneDollarJuana

      Then they should follow the Stupor Bowel with a prize fight.

  • Burt Reynolds was in a football movie too. Why aren't we celebrating his 100th birthday?

    • Missed it. I blame the AP features department.

  • widestanceroman

    The Gip looks gay when he vogues.

    • x111e7thst

      He is just letting us know he is prepared to take one for the team.

      • widestanceroman

        Just the one?

      • Not_So_Much

        Played Tight End for a few years, then had to move out to Wide Receiver towards the end.

    • mereoblivion

      Behind every great Queen, . . .

      • widestanceroman

        Nice. I've been wanting to corrupt that ad copy (although mine was "is a santorious puddle").

  • freakishlywrong

    Ugh. I'm not watching any of this shit. Billo the clowno is going to interview Obamar, they'll probably jerk off to Raygun's greatness. "Blahblahblah Muslin Brotherhood, radical Islam, Iran, something about Mr. Gorbachev and walls" Ick.

    I'll do the eating and drinking part though.

  • fuflans

    reagan had thunder thighs?

    • Weenus299

      thunder thighs that touched the face of God.

    • HEY!

      P.S. In honor of downfister trool (how could it stay away from a Ronald Wilson Raygun (666) post?), I'm upfisting everyone on this thread.

  • Rosie_Scenario

    How old was Ronnie when he played the college-aged Gipper? He looks around 40 in the photo.

    • He was 29 when the film was released in 1940. That was just two years after his vocal work in "The Amazing Dr. Clitterhouse"*.
      * I'm not making this up.

      • horsedreamer_1

        Quite an erotic party-line, huh?

  • OneDollarJuana

    Oh good! My Netflix documentary on Max Ernst should arrive just in time to miss the SuperBowl.

  • savethispatient

    Nothing says "British Pub" to me more than pretzels, pulled-pork and oysters!

  • FNMA

    Where's his birf certificate?

    • And he only claimed to be a "born again Christian" a few hours before running for POTUS. But later his secret Muslim faith guided him in secretly selling arms to the Islamic Republic of Iran. No wonder Repubicans love this guy … he got away with it! And from the picture he's obviously a little "light in the cleats".

  • Weenus299

    Arms for hostages night at the new Texas Stadium. Bring your guns and get a free hostage.

  • DashboardBuddha

    I didn't know Reagan danced in A Chorus Line! Fucker had talent.

    • You know what other nation leader could dance? Hitler.

      • DashboardBuddha

        Yep…he was famous for dancing Czech to Czech.

  • SorosBot

    Also, what's with the bar prices in Washington? $5 is too much for a draft beer unless it's a really fancy one, and yet some of these places are offering that as a "special". Another I see has a "special" with $12 Yuengling pitchers; the standard price at my regular place is $8.

    How do these places all have "specials" higher than the regular price should be?

    • bflrtsplk

      Because they're, you know, "special."

    • GOPCrusher

      Why do you hate capitalism?

  • ttommyunger

    Believe the printer put an extra "R" in the Special Menu. In honor of brain-damaged peeples ( Especially Our Dear Dead Leader) everywhere the Special is "Dine & Daft"

  • metamarcisf

    Dagnabbit! Is nothing sacred?

  • jim89048

    Of course we want sex slaves, in the absence of cheerleaders.

    • bflrtsplk

      We can't have both?

      • jim89048

        Not this year, not at the stadium anyway. What you do at home is your own business.

  • thefrontpage

    HERE are four of the best places to watch the Super Bowl:

    –Hooter's, Rockville Pike. Simply the most beautiful girls of any local or regional Hooter's, great service, good food, and plenty of television screens.

    –Archibald's. One of the best strip clubs in the area, and the best one in D.C.

    –Camelot. It survives, but it's cramped, food and drinks are far too expensive, and parking sucks.

    –Good Guys. A great strip bar, with good food, beautiful girls, and also one of the best strip clubs in the area and region.

    —Home. The least expensive option. The only thing lacking are the beautiful girls all over the place.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Hell, I've got some beautiful girls at home. But I've married one of them and sired the other two, so they certainly won't be doing any pole dancing.

      How ya gonna watch a game when you're surrounded by strippers, anyway?

  • Come here a minute

    The most Ronald Reaganish way to celebrate the Super Bowl is to get so drunk you don't remember anything.

    • SorosBot

      It's also downright Bushesqe. ("Pretzel", yeah right; dude was drunk).

  • Barbara_i

    Super Bowl in a British pub? I'm going to skip the bangers and mash and the split pea with hamster soup, please. I am a HUGE football fan and this whole year has blown chunks. Christine Aguilera is singing the National Anthem, the Fighting Opticians are playing the Silk Angora Sweater-Wearing Debutantes, there are no cheerleaders and Bill 'O is interviewing Barry. What's next? Locust?

    • SorosBot

      Worse: the Black-Eyed Peas at halftime.

      • Barbara_i

        Remember the year Sir Paul McCartney played? Someone on HuffPo posted that he is untalented. The man can play 27 instruments and is the most successful song writer of all time. What does a person have to do to be considered talented?

        • Lascauxcaveman

          And what really sucks is there are going to be a buttload of happy Steelers/Packers fans after it's over. The ONLY consolation to that is there's also going to be a buttload of UNhappy Steelers/Packers fans.

          Man, why can't we have a Superbowl like Lions vs. Chargers, or better yet Seahawks vs. Someone They Can Actually Beat?

          • horsedreamer_1

            The Arizona Cardinals playing for, & almost winning, Super Bowl XLIII almost created a singularity. If, say, the Lions & Jets — yes, I said it — were to play, well… we'd be talking 2012 level castastrophe.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Nancy Reagan will be performing with the Black Eyed Peas during half time festivities, in honor of her late husband. The line in Vegas is unclear as to whether there will be a wardrobe malfunction during her appearance. To make sure I don't find out, I will play "Roman Orgy" during the first half and spend halftime in the toilet horking my guts up, which will be an overall more pleasant experience.

    • Barbara_i

      My humps, my humps, my saggy old lady lumps. Hope she doesn't break a hip, trying to bust a move with

    • SorosBot

      Will Nancy criticize Barack for making important foreign policy decisions without consulting the official presidential astrologer?

  • YasserArraFeck

    The Gipper meets Bob Fosse.
    "Jazz Hands!!!"

  • Suggested alt text:

    Throw out your hands
    Stick out your tush
    Hands on your hips
    Give 'em a push
    You'll be surprised
    You're doing the French Mistake!

  • Schmannnity

    Obscure. Must be a Maroon.

    • The original Monsters of the Midway!

  • DustBowlBlues

    Great. Another fucking reason to begrudge the fact I've got to go to the same lame Superbowl party we go to every year. Like I give a shit about football OR Saint Reagan. Actually, I can pretty passively not-enjoy football except for the two or three minutes worth of time something actually happens in our "lineup, run a few feet, fall over, repeat, rinse" national sport. I cannot passively not-enjoy any tribute to a clinically demented president that Republithugs worship.

    Athletes have, for the most part, ruined sports. Curt Schilling was one of my favorite pitchers until he starting talking about his man-love for Bush. Then there's that idiot Tim T person I'd never heard of until he proved he was an idiot. The last athlete who said anything worthwhile was Dennis Eckersley. When SI asked various millionaire baseball players their view of Clinton's tax increase on the wealthy, DE said something on the order of, "We're the people with all the money. Of course we should pay the taxes."

    The only reason English Football is better is because I don't have to listen to their overpaid stars say stupid things because I don't watch Sky incessantly.

    Sports rant finished. Thank you.

    • Beanball

      True Fact: the average 3 hour broadcast NFL football game consists of approx. 8 minutes of actual "play." The rest is standing around and anus burger commercials.

    • ShaveTheWhales

      1. Forgive me, but having grown up in Wisconsin, I will be indulging my inner cheesehead this Sunday.

      2. Re: professional athletes. They do tend to lean Republican, but considering the amount of money they make, they're at least being intelligently selfish when they do. They also tend to be relatively non-racist. And while Eck was indeed a good guy, he wasn't the last — cf., e.g., the 2010 San Francisco Giants.

      3. So, "Mattress Mary?"

      • DustBowlBlues

        Since you've asked me this before: Mattress Mary used a whisper campaign against her Democratic opponent, Jeri Askins, who had never been married and has no children, intimating she was gay while MM's pals talked about her valuable experience as a wife and mother, ala family values crap.

        As is keeping with Republican family values, when Betty Boop was Lt. Guv, her husband divorced her after he found out she was fucking her highway patrolman bodyguard. I'm assuming he's her husband now, so the adultery doesn't count. I'm assuming there was other shit about her, but that's enough for me to call her Mattress Mary.

        Since she's conservative, of course, none of this shit matters. She was also the blonde bitch leaning out of the capital, waving don't tread on me flags at the anti-health care legislation thugs. When she spoke at our local Chamber of Commerce banquet (not affiliated with the state or national, btw) this divisive bitch said about the importance of working together against partisanship: "As Ronald Reagan said, a house divided against itself cannot stand." Stupid, right wing and a slut.

        She is vile on so many levels. I wish she'd have an affair with Rick Perry and have his love child, because it would be so perfect an example of total right wing douchebaggery reaching its absolute apex. Of course, I would hope the child would be totally gay from day one.

        Anymore questions?

        • ShaveTheWhales


          Undoubtedly I will have more questions about something someday, but my curiosity about this particular boil on the body politic has been comprehensively satisfied..

          One can only hope that the Governor's security detail contains a really attractive trooper.

    • DashboardBuddha

      Don't feel bad…I walked away from fanhood in the early 80s.

  • LionelHutzEsq

    If they really want to celebrate Reagan at the Super Bowl, the team that is losing at the end of the first quarter should withdraw and then invade some team from the Caribbean and beat their asses so that no one notices they were getting their own asses beat just a moment before.

  • mumbly_joe

    Note: This is a Steelers bar. Do not go here if you are rooting for the Packers and/or are apathetic (that’s just as bad). The bar will be offering specials on cheesesteaks and selling pitchers of Yuengling for $12 and Miller Lite for $10.

    I'll be honest, I don't know The Mighty Pint at all, and certainly not well enough to proclaim YOUR DOING IT WRONG, but I do know that both cheesesteaks and Yuengling are pretty signature Philly-area fare, and there's usually enough of an intra-Pennsylvania rivalry that I, for one, would feel damned weird, eating and drinking Southern PA crap while watching a Steelers game. Where are the perogies? Where's the Iron City? (Okay, probably difficult to find and definitely not worth it, but still, you could at least go with some Rolling Rock) Come on, guys, do it up right, at least.

    • Jukesgrrl

      Yunz are right 'n 'at.

  • ShaveTheWhales

    Well, if I lived within three thousand miles of DC, I'd definitely choose the Pubic Bar.

    Wait, what?

    • genxr

      Did you say favorite book, or favorite bar?

    • nounverb911

      That's Clarence Thomas' favorite too!

  • Where are all the libprog spell checkers? The writer can't even spell his name.

  • Extemporanus

    10-to-1 odds that the pre-game show featuring Ronald Reagan's decomposing corpse will end with a wardrobe malfunction-related Gipper nipple slip*, both team captains will puke when they try to call it in the air, and Super Bowl XLV will be immediately cancelled.

    *(The "Gipper-y Nipple":

    – 1 part Bailey's Irish Cream
    – 2 parts embalming-grade ethanol
    – Coca, fig, pineapple (muddled)
    – Garnish with a black licorice Jelly Belly
    – Serve in a shot glass with a Foster's chaser

    It's possibly drinkable plausible deniability, sports fans!)

  • Jukesgrrl

    Thanks for letting me know when to serve dinner. I had planned on halftime, as I am repulsed by Fergie, but I'll do it earlier and load the dishwasher during her pole-dancing routine.

  • Walkinwiddaking

    " Lord Ronald Regan! Some soulless libtards planned the Super Bowl to be on Reagan’s 100th birthday, so to make up for this, the event will now include a pre-game circle jerk tribute to this dead president. (Haha, most American’s will probably be too drunk/too busy with their chicken wings and sex slaves by kick-off to even notice it’s happening.) " What's your point?

  • I think the title should have read: "The Super Bowl Will Be Used to Make Us Rue Our Beast President's Barf-day".

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