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While standing (or riding a Rascal) in line at WalMart behind a massive shopping cart full of huge novelty popcorn containers and corn syrup buckets this holiday season, America’s defeated shoppers will get a very special message from the nice lady at Homeland Security. Apparently stung by criticism that she’s only dedicated to humiliation and child abuse at the nation’s airports, Obama’s domestic terror chief Janet Napolitano has ordered this charming video be played on continuous loop at every WalMart checkout in America. What does she want the WalMart shoppers to do, after they swipe their EBT cards in exchange for baby formula and Choco Puffs?

She wants them to be on the lookout for terrists! They are probably out there in every WalMart parking lot — and unlike the make-believe terrists the FBI keeps creating out of forlorn teenagers hanging around suburban mosques, the Real American terrists crouched in their DirecTV installation vans outside the Super Center are actually armed and dangerous! After all, they just walked out of WalMart!

The only way this video would be better is if Napolitano was gently cradling a log. UPDATE: Okay, fine, here:


[YouTube via Cryptogon]

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  • OkieDokieDog

    I ain't no snitch, bitch!

    Good grief, yet another reason to NOT go to Walmart.

    • MARCdMan

      This is just the response to the new "Snitches get stitches" PSA being shown at Kmarts nationwide!

    • DashboardBuddha

      Good grief, yet another reason to NOT go to Walmart.

      As a friend of mine said, she hates going to Walmart because it's like using a porta-potty:

      1. You dread going in.
      2. You're uncomfortable when inside.
      3. You feel dirty when you come out.

      To be asked to watch for terrists while others are wondering if you're a terrist is a bit much.

      • SorosBot

        It's weird, because they're basically the same when it comes to what they sell, but Targets are pretty much always fairly clean, well organized and mostly filled with normal people, while Wal-Marts everywhere are dirty, nothing's shelved where it should be, and the bulk of the customers are weird and/or trashy.

        • DashboardBuddha

          Plus Target is much quieter AND they (where I live anyway) have an in-house Starbucks.

          • BaldarTFlagass

            Plus delicious pretzels!!

          • SorosBot

            Starbucks AND Taco Bell / Pizza Hut Express at the one near me.

          • DashboardBuddha

            Lol…right – there's a Pizza Hut Express in the same store. God I love America!

      • OneDollarJuana

        I beened in a Walmart exactly once. And that was to buy clay pigeons because that hypocrite Rosie O'Donnell had shamed K-Mart into getting rid of its firearms and associated paraphernalia, to wit, clay pigeons.

        At least I was in there to exercise my Second Amendment rights.

  • SorosBot

    What would a WalMart shopper do if they saw a terrorist, though? You don't even have to expend much effort to outrun one of them, just walk at a normal pace and you'll be faster than the fatties' top speed.

    • PublicLuxury

      They would surround the beast with their Rascals and slowly move in closer until the tearist popped like a great big cyst.

      • user-of-owls

        And then they would eat him. With government surplus cheese.

  • tribbzthesquidz

    She probably is cradling a log, just not in her arms.

    • PublicLuxury

      Are her TruckNutz bigger than Newt's? Obama's? Boehner's? Cantor's? Hillary's?

      (McConnell's went North to hide in true turtle fashion)

      • tribbzthesquidz

        It's more of an issue of the penis(penii?, peniseses?) pointing the wrong way, like wearing a baseball cap backwards. Difficult to navigate when one's pecker is always trying to escape from the rear.

  • Lucidamente1

    "Thank you for doing your part to keep our hometowns safe." And to destroy their local businesses as you buy all this cheap fucking crap out here at Walmart.

    • BorderJumper!

      you forgot "while making China rich in the process."

    • the_onceler

      Hmm… this sounds like you are attacking Wal-Mart's hometown values? You need to be reported to Wal-Mart security as a terrorist threat.

    • PublicLuxury

      You're Welcome.

  • Yeah… thanks to the low priced low quality shit that Walmart sells and Walmart's well known assholish bidniz practices plus its role in destroying the manufacturing base of US America, it would be in the best interest of terrowists to leave'em be.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      But their logo is a Smiley Face!!!

      • edgydrifter

        That's not a smile, IT'S A CRESCENT!!!

        • Golfing_OJ

          I'm having a whiole I Am Legend experience, as I'm the only one on this decimated planet to have noticed that Walmart's yellow flower logo is actually a sphincter.

  • Serolf_Divad

    And why not?, Terrorists love a bargain as much as the next guy, and if you need to buy some box cutters to slit a few flight-attendants necks before comandeering the plane and crashing it into a nucler power plant, why not save a couple of bucks and buy them at Walmart?

  • The Owls are not what they seem.

    • FNMA

      She's dead. Wrapped in plastic.

    • Here in our beloved Warshington there used to be the OWL Party – Out With Logic / On With Lunacy. Although the original OWLs were lefties, their motto appears to be appropriated by the Teatards heart & soul.

      • Heh, I've voted for them several times. (What? I'm supposed get excited about voting for John Spellman; Gary Locke?) Mike the Mover usually gets my vote, too, for the various offices to which he aspires, but I really wish he'd run for State Supreme Court. Somebody's got to take down that prick Charles Johnson.

    • Badonkadonkette

      That gum you like is going to come back in style.

  • GuyClinch

    She needs to make it clear that we're not to report aesthetic terrorism at Wal-Marts, or the DHS switchboards are gonna be some jammed-up motherfuckers.

  • tribbzthesquidz

    "Hey Beavis! Have you seen "Twin Peaks"?
    "Yeah! I wish I taped them."

    • metamarcisf

      Huh huh. You said "Peak"

  • freakishlywrong

    If they're in a scooter, and shopping at the Walmart, look for the DHS to be inundated with calls to arrest the Lyin' African in the White House, the real terr'ist.

  • slappypaddy

    humiliation & child abuse are already covered at wal-mart. just go there, you'll see.

  • MissTaken

    Last week I totally saw a terrorist in the Walmart parking lot. He was wearing all red, ringing a bell, and asking people to put their spare ameros in a bucket.

  • BorderJumper!

    "Thank you for doing your part to keep our hometowns safe." Yes, and thank you Walmart for employing 2.1 million 'muricans at minimum wage. http://www.businessinsider.com/walmart-employees-

    • Oblios_Cap

      Can you believe the Irish are actually lowering their minimum wage at the behest of the IMF.

      The fucking Rich are making their move.

      • SorosBot

        Well there's a great way to ensure their economy never gets moving again.

  • freakishlywrong

    Oh, and I want to gay marry the Twin Peaks reference.

    • V572625694

      That was a great, brief period, when David-Lynch-style weirdness was on American teevee. "Max Headroom" was too awesome to live as well: "Zik-Zak Corporation. We make everything you want. You want everything we make."

      • horsedreamer_1

        But even the pretentious television fare gets dumber thru the years, not just the "for the masses" sitcoms. So, yes, 2 1/2 Men is no Family Ties, but, too, Arrested Development is not Twin Peaks.

        & it applies to sci-fi: Fringe is not The X-Files.

  • StillGoinGreen

    Oh Christ – I certainly won't be wearing my Obama t-shirt to Walmart now – I don't want to be arrested by some shit-stain sheriff whilst buying Jesus a birfday gift!!

  • Gopherit

    You'd think Janet would know to limit the time you talk to poor redneck assholes after her stint as Arizona Governor. She's pulled a page out of the andy griffith show and deputized floyd and goober because barney sucked. It never worked out there, and it won't work here.

  • SmutBoffin

    American care no more for preventative anti-terrorism measures than they care for preventative medical care.

    THIS IS HOW IT WORKS:
    1) Ignore international politics, especially including U.S. neo-imperialist ventures in filthy countries that were proposed by GE and Halliburton

    2) Reprisals by irritated locals invariably ensue; American dies and/or are inconvenienced

    3) Scream and wave your flag, as soon as cable news channel throws up giant flashing ALART!!! graphic

    4) Nod your head and shout "You tell 'em!" when TV pundit calls for escalation with full military force

    5) Buy weeping eagle merchandise from ads in Parade

    6) GOD BLESS AMERICA

    • PublicLuxury

      Sales for "Let the Eagle Soar" are up this year. It is going platinum.

    • HistoriCat

      When do I buy my "Support the troops" sign?

  • This brief video offers Valuable Advice, to be sure, but in its Haste to accommodate its intended audience's Limited Attention it fails to elucidate just what might be interpreted as Suspicious when in a Wal-Mart locale, which might not be the case elsewhere.

    For example: Purchasing fresh produce, or selecting a cotton garment which does not advertise an endorsement of some kind, ought immediately give the Local Sleuth pause. Similarly, index fingers not stained with nicotine, or shirt collars not spattered with gold paint overspray are the sort of thing to Look Out For.

    Cryptogon suggests that the Napollitano video will be followed by a short educational film called Squidbillies, to fill in those who need more information.

  • MinAgain

    I fear that this is all the encouragement red staters will need to have a random shootouts in the Wal_Mart.

    "Cleanup on Aisle 3!"

    • angryclownspawn

      But I bet the spike in their gun sales is going to be just great for the economy.

  • SayItWithWookies

    If there's a terrorist at the Wal-Mart he might be wrapped in an American flag.

    • Beowoof

      And you can tell the difference, the terrorist is wrapped in a real flag, the fat American Wal Mart patron is wrapped in an American flag snuggie.

  • chickensmack

    You're not a target at Target.

  • Beowoof

    I can see it now a NASCAR certified tricked out rascal for running down Arabs and Mooslems. And only a mere $2995

    • CrunchyKnee

      Paid for by gov'mint money!!!!!!!111111!!! CUZ I DESERVES IT, NOT LIKE ALL THEM N***** AND WELFARE CHEATS!!!!111

  • Schmannnity

    I am being terrorized by a 375 pound woman in a belly shirt with an eagle tattoo over her butt crack who just bent over in aisle 14!

    • V572625694

      Yeah, but didja see the price on those 48-DDD high-fashion bras?

      • Schmannnity

        I didn't know camo was considered high fashion

  • I'm not paranoid, but my comment about how Walmart's own terror campaign against mom & pop retailers and their indepoendent suppliers can claim victory now that they've joined forces with the government was apparently censored by the NSA.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Don't answer the door if someone comes knocking.

  • elviouslyqueer

    "If you see something suspicious in the parking lot or in the store…"

    Um, Janet. It's pretty obvious you've never seen The People of Walmart. Painfully obvious, even.

    • Mojopo

      Oh dear, you beat me to it.

      I know, right?

    • freakishlywrong

      Real 'Muricans are fucking depressing as hell.

    • hagajim

      Damn you beat me to it

    • jim89048

      Heh. The one closest to my home features animals.

  • Will Homerland Insecurity be nuking meetings of teh ADA, movezon, AFSCME, LGBT groups, and other pinko riff raff? If so, a lot of us Wonketteers from the melanin impaired tribe will be needin' to put on our SPF50 screen.

  • stew1

    Talk about homeland security….Wikileaks guy held without bond on condom charges–poison pill dump (sounds painful) to maybe follow!

    • V572625694

      But it's for SECURITY so it's okay. Just ask the lads in Gitmo. George Bush kept them safe!

  • Guppy06

    How many of the terrorists reported will be FBI plants?

    ("I thought they called men like you a fruit!")

    Anyway, America at least needs a more attractive Big Brother/Sister/Benevolent Overseer.

  • chicken_thief

    Keep the fear alive!!! I can't wait to see how many citizens arrests are made in the Kwanzaa Card section….

  • BTWBFDIMHO

    "I mean, look, I'm not a caribou, you know, but when I go to WalMart, I got to tell you, if I see people wearing a Nascar jacket and I think, you know, they are identifying themselves first and foremost as Real American, I get worried. I get nervous."

  • metamarcisf

    So now Big Sis is looking for the Wal-Mart greeter who killed Laura Palmer.

  • Radiotherapy

    Also, if you see any suspicious Unionization activities amongst Wal-Mart employees, please report them immediately to store management. Thank You.

  • V572625694

    Don't care if she's homely — and Jeebus knows she is — but does she have to sound so stoopid?

    Oh I forgot, she's from AZ.

  • slappypaddy

    i cannot fucking believe it. if we're all going to be impressed into the american stasi, we're going to need compensation. we're not going to do this paranoid snitching for free anymore now that the gummint has placed us in the frontline trenches of the war on peace.

    i still cannot fucking believe it. what in the name of holy hell and hellish heaven is this country coming to? instructions–again, since it's not like it's the first time they've trotted out this lame ass–from our government to hunker down and be afraid of everything? snitch on anything that looks suspicious? what is the definition of "looks suspicious"? anyone who doesn't look like me? my brother-in-law who i'm pissed-off at and want to bring some grief? my former boss who had to let me go because i was a foul-mouthed insubordinate with rancid flatulence?

    i'm sure local law enforcement agencies, already crippled by the economic collapse and strained to busting by the class war, are just itching and eager to respond to all the calls of suspicious behavior at wal-mart. this video from this person who calls herself the secretary of homeland security looks pretty fucking suspicious. where's my phone, i have a call to make.

    • GuyClinch

      Around here in DC there are those crappy roadside signboards up everywhere along the beltway and local roads urging us to REPORT SUSPICIOUS ACTIVITY followed by some completely unmemorable 800-number. The fact that the signs are so often misspelled is suspicious enough, I guess (Oh wait, they were probably spelled by Murkins.)

    • Welcome to post-civil-liberties America my friend.

  • horsedreamer_1

    This is a real Sam's Choice, if it ever comes to having to stop a terrorist: drop my 24-pack of GeneriCola & save 'Mur'ca, or let the place blow & soothe myself with said cola.

  • hagajim

    It looks like them muslin terrerists will have to shop at Costco from now on. I'll bet the Walmarts are pissed that they will lose those muslin dollars from the bottom line.

    • GunTotingProgressive

      That's exactly where they will go, since CostCo bans guns from their stores. If I were a Muslin Terrerist, I'd avoid WalMart like non-Halal meat.

  • the_onceler

    shopping and fear of terrorism. America's two great loves brought together in one short video.

  • Wal-mart shoppers are so buzzed by the thought of the buckets of processed animal fat and corn syrup they will be guzzling in the parking lot that they can't pay attention to terrorists or anything else.

  • Jukesgrrl

    Walmart got this gift from the gubmint because they sell more duct tape, plastic sheets, and survivalist food packs than any other retail outlet. Orange Alert, Patriots!

  • chascates

    The Walton family is already one of the world's largest terrorist organizations.

    • GuyClinch

      "Good night John-Boy." "Good night Grandma." "Good night Ben." "Good night Osama".

      • FNMA

        "…and then grandpa shared his famous recipe for mixing fertilizer with diesel fuel. It was the best Christmas ever!"

  • genxr

    Attention shoppers: Blue light special on ammonium nitrate!

  • user-of-owls

    Take heart! Don't you recall the most wonderful side effect of early Cold War paranoia?

    MONSTER MOVIES!!

    Take Mothra out of mothballs! Let a thousand giant ants and spiders bloom in America's nuclear deserts!

  • chascates

    Or as the Drudge hede sez:

    BIG SIS INVADES WAL-MART: 'IF YOU SEE SOMETHING, SAY SOMETHING'

    HE certainly has a problem with unmarried, sexually-ambiguous figures in public life!

    • SorosBot

      And I'm sure that he would have reacted the same way if Tom Ridge had done this in 2004.

  • Naked_Bunny

    I've seen other tenants in my apartment complex neglect to scoop their dog's poop. Can I report them to Homeland Security for bioterrorism?

  • genxr

    So now I need to go to wal mart to hit on arab women, for national security?

  • You know I usually use the term "Orwellian" to make an exaggeration. However, I think we have finally moved into actual an Orwellian situation.

    • Beetagger

      The problem is that when you create an agency called "Homeland Security" they're going to run out of shit to do and start making stuff up to look busy. And which future president or congress will have the balls to dismantle something like DHS? (Hint: None.)

  • ttommyunger

    The outrageous ignorance of this whole approach has me gobsmacked into wordlessness. I have been wondering if this over-ambitious elementary school teacher was as dumb as she looks; now, sadly, I have my answer.

  • MilwaukeeKent

    I expect to hear of a rash of shootings — by Walmart checkout clerks forced to listen to this every minute for the length of their workday. Noriega just had to cope with random bursts of heavy metal music…
    Tip to them:broken-off filters from cigarettes (unsmoked) make great improvised ear plugs.
    Also, anyone with a skin tone between caucasian and negroid should probably just avoid Walmarts; the whites who shop there can't distinguish between Sikhs, Lebanese Christians, Egyptian Coptics or Islamic extremists, let alone Latinos and Vietnamese. If you are Latino or Oriental, suggest you wear the stereotypical sombrero or "rice paddy" straw hat, as warranted. It seems to put them at ease.

    Nice security theater, when does the movie start?

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