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Oh, Santa filled our stockings with copies of Dad's resume. How nice of him.Hark! What’s that sound on the rooftop? Could it be sleigh bells? No, it’s the nation’s unemployment rate, here to bring us holiday cheer! The festive unemployment rate has received its “Christmas bonus” — increasing in November to 9.8%, a seven-month high — while only 39,000 new jobs were created. And most of those jobs were “in the form of temporary help”; in other words, toy-making jobs, which are given only to elf Americans and don’t provide benefits. It’s cute how the economy is so full of Christmas spirit.

More than 15 million people remained out of work last month, and 6.3 million of them have been unemployed for six months or longer. […]

Analysts generally estimate that the economy needs to add at least 100,000 to 125,000 jobs a month simply to keep up with new entrants to the labor force. So if employers keep hiring at the current pace, it will not help reduce the unemployment rate for some time.

But, you say, colleges don’t graduate students every month of the year. How could the economy need that many jobs every month? Why, because all the good girls and boys are going to work to save their families! And you know what they say: only a child with coal in her lung is safe from receiving coal in her stocking.

Happy Hanukkah. [NYT]

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  • BornInATrailer

    Ho-Ho-Homeless! I love the holidays.

    • GOPCrusher

      To the Republiklans I work with, these people choose to be unemployed and homeless, so I congratulate them for being able to choose their life style.

    • BornInATrailer

      Away in a trailer, no crib for his bed
      Our little poor redneck lay down his sweet head

  • vulpes82

    I liked when I read one economist postulate that some of the increase in the rate was due to previously discouraged workers taking a chance and getting back into the hunt after the fall's earlier job numbers were good, and then being bitterly disappointed when things hadn't improved as much as they'd hoped. Merry Christmas!

  • SorosBot

    But hey, the stock market is up, so for the people who matter to our politicians and media the economy is good again!

  • mavenmaven

    Every time the unemployment figures rise, a tea bag congressman gets his wings…
    (and promptly calls for blocking unemployment aid).

  • Don't worry, jolly old St Boner is going to give all the unemployed their billionaire tax cuts.

    • OzoneTom

      Those tax cuts will apply across the board to all who get of their lazy asses and make that first billion.

      • SorosBot

        If the rates rise, some of our nation's executives may have to settle for one of the cheaper models for this year's Lexus with a giant bow on it for their wives! They probably will still go all out on the one for the girlfriend though.

  • Buzz Feedback

    No adults in Peanuts cause they're all standing in line for hobo beans.

    • horsedreamer_1

      Mouths full of Hobo Beans would explain how they talk.

  • Badonkadonkette

    Republicans were elected over a month ago, so they need to stop playing the blame game and take responsibility for this. Fair is fair, bitches.

    • fuflans

      yup. the wonketteer that suggested calling repub CongressTools daily demanding 'jobs, jobs, jobs' was right on.

  • hagajim

    Welcome to the new Merika! Where the only real jobs available are those stolen by the illegals while fame whores like Christine O'Donnell and Sarah Palin get rich off the backs of the maroons who buy their idiotic line of white trash gumbo, and scooters. Maybe we ought to all apply for jobs at the Rascal plant.

    • V572625694

      Sorry, those are made in Singapore.

  • GuyClinch

    My current job is about as soul-killing and stultifyingly rote as any I've ever had, but boy am I glad to have it.

    • OMG, you're our TSA mole?

      • GuyClinch

        No. I guess you could say I'm a porn-tester. I test porn. Yes. That is my job.

        • Bonzos_Bed_Time

          There's such a magical job out there?!?!?

          Better than having to be the fluffer.

  • jakegittes

    Deport all elfs immediately. Expecially, the Messican variety.

  • DahBoner

    Well, at least the unemployed can find comfort in the fact that McRib is back!

    Your old friend, a compressed slab of gristle, fat and pork anus, slathered with mediocre bar-b-que sauce, onions on a depleted white bread carb-death bun.

    EAT 'EM UPS!

    Mmmmm….

    • hagajim

      That has to be the most appetizing description of pork anus ever!

      • I've never tried a McRib, but damn, now I'm going to.

        • BornInATrailer

          The McRibbed; For Your Pleasure

      • arcane_allusion

        You should see the award winning commercial he shot to go with this copy.

        Your last lunch may have been your LAST lunch.

    • horsedreamer_1

      Only for November, I thought.

      Did they extend the availability? & if so, why can Mc Donald's give us more Mc Ribs, while Rupublican't Congress-Critters cannot give us more unemployment (benefits)? Is not the Mc Rib a dearer commodity?

    • genxr

      But when are they bringing back the McDLT? I need an extra large styrofoam container to keep the hot side hot, and the cool side cool.

    • mrpuma2u

      Yeah if more people eat at Mickey D's then that will take a bunch of pressure off of social security. You owe it to your country to eat shitty processed food, get cardiac disease and die at 59 so Social Security can stay solvent. Also, your remaining undamaged organs can be harvested to keep a rich 80 something billionaire alive. Gawd bless uhMEHRika.

  • x111e7thst

    "while only 39,000 new jobs were created."
    Which makes this an ideal time for unemployment benefits to run out. It's going to be hard to find a job and those damn unemployed slackers are going to need all the extra motivation they can get.

    • GOPCrusher

      Why those lazy hippies need to stop expecting others to give them a jerb. If they had any ingenuity, they would go out and start their own business and benefit from those tax cuts.

    • BarackMyWorld

      Which makes this an ideal time for unemployment benefits to run out.

      And the countdown to the 2012 bloodbath begins.

  • gef05

    Today we are all Chinese.

  • CrankyLttlCamperette

    Alt-Alt-Text: I wonder if this tree will feed a family of 4?

  • Looks like Charlie Brown will be reduced to giving blowjobs in public restrooms for money this Christmas. Poor Charlie Brown!

    • elviouslyqueer

      Good grief!

    • jim89048

      If he ain't selling blowjobs, how can he ever catch up? Volume won't work here.

    • V572625694

      This is called the "Larry Craig Solution."

      • horsedreamer_1

        Better than the Florida state legislator who was giving away money and blowies.

        • genxr

          In his defense, he saw a black man at a rest stop so what was he supposed to assume?

    • ttommyunger

      A boon for our fun-loving Congressmen, though. No mater how thin the waffle, there are always two sides. Thank you.

  • freakishlywrong

    This just gives the nation of lazy layabouts an excuse to whine for $290.00 a week. What with their microwave ovens and flat screen teevees. Glenn Blech tells me the poverty stricken were much more honorable in the Depression. They were also white.

    • ttommyunger

      Only the important ones were photographed. Teh blacks, meh.

  • All of my employees got an Xmas bonus this year; first time evar! Yay!

    (I guess it would be more accurate to say "both" of my employees.) But anyhoo, there's another 500 bucks to boost the economy. Gimme a cookie.

    • Fare la Volpe

      A well-deserved up thumb.

    • GuyClinch

      Hey, are you hiring? I'm a hard worker and never goof off looking at websites and commenting and stuff!

      • Man, I'm seeing a lot of desperate job hunters these days. For reals. It's kinda scary.

        • GOPCrusher

          Reminscent of the darkest days of the Reagan Depression when I saw a thousand people line up for a chance to clean hotel toilets.

    • elviouslyqueer

      Dear Caveman:

      You think you can come in here and try and spread some good economic news before I get crowned Speaker of the House? HELL NO YOU CAN'T!

      Enjoy your IRS audit, bonus boy.

      John Boehner

      • My business is small enough to basically be audit-proof. The IRS knows where to find the butter for its bread, and it ain't my place.

        Whenever I get something wrong on the taxes, they just send me a letter that basically says, "Send us a piece of paper with different numbers than last time and check for $83 and we're cool."

        • Oblios_Cap

          500 Ameros! You sound rich enough to qualify for the top 1% tax cut!

        • I'm guessing a small, unlicensed private detective agency. You're shooting video of some douchebag screwing his babysitter for Wifey's lawyer even as you comment, right?

  • StillGoinGreen

    This really surprises me! I thought the Retailers of America Lobby was stronger than this. What, they can't get lying politicians to lie about the numbers for just one more month, or at least until we spend the last of our unemployment bene's on little Johnny a war video? I bought my son that new Black Ops game and I'm gonna write it off on my taxes this year as a job training aid – since we are poor, the only job that will be around for him when he reaches thae age of 13 is fighting for the Republic of Tea!! WOLVERINES!!!!1!!1!1

    • V572625694

      It's no accident that video games are giving the children the skills they need to fight wars.

      • StillGoinGreen

        Is there an xbox game called, "Night Janitor As a Second Job" or "Helping My Daddy At The Fry Station"?

        • SorosBot

          How about a virtual begging game?

        • GOPCrusher

          3rd Shift Manager at Motel 6 is a really boring game.

          • StillGoinGreen

            Back when computers were designated as 386's or 486's, there was this game called "Larry The Lounge Lizard". The oblect of the game was pretty much the story of my life – walk around getting drunk and stoned, screwing hookers, etc… but if you forgot to get a condom, you would die from the hookers. I think I'm gonna create a game called "Ernie the Homeless engineer", where you walk around, eating out of rich people's trashcans – but, if you eat eggs, you die from salmonella. Do you think it'll catch on like "Larry" did?

  • So obs Barry, Harry, and Michele Nancy should join forces to give the rich the biggest tax cut ever – that'll create bunches and gobs of jobs.

    'Scusies, my own post has made me vomit in my mouth. Yuck, petooie!!

    • StillGoinGreen

      Don't "petooie"!! There's still some nutrition left in that stuff dontcha know? Rule of thumb for the destitute – puke it twice or shit it once.

  • You're a teary one, John Boner
    You really are a(n orange) peel.
    You're as tough as a care bear,
    You're as handsome as an eel.
    John Boner.

    You're a tanned orange
    With a leathery skin peel.

    You're a dipshit, Mitchypoo.
    Your ideas an empty hole.
    Your wallet full of Koch bucks,
    You've got Scrooge in your soul.
    Mitchypoo.

    I wouldn't touch you, with a
    nine-and-a-half inch Supertuber.

    You're dipshits, Tea Baggers.
    You're all annoying fat sots.
    Your brains a dead tomato splot
    With nothing but rot,
    Teabaggers

    Your ass is an apalling dump heap
    overflowing with the most disgraceful assortment
    of deplorable rubbish imaginable,
    Wadded up in a medicaid Rascal.

    • CrankyLttlCamperette

      I want to go caroling, now.

    • ttommyunger

      You obviously have way too much free time, Manchu, but I appreciate it. BTW your avatar is one of my favorite actors. I also remember him riveting me to the screen as the coked-up little brother in Sharkey's Machine.

  • Serolf_Divad

    Don't stress: in the coming weeks department stores will hire lots of seasonal gift wrappers, and that should ensure that everyone who doesn't have one yet gets a well paying gig.

    • finallyhappy

      actually, usually they are rich white lady volunteers who do it for charity. At least in the suburbs of DC

    • V572625694

      I used to work as a sales clerk in department stores at Xmas. What a terrible, terrible job it used to be: you had to dress up like a millionaire (this was a long time ago) for minimum wage, and the work week was 37.5 hours to make sure they wouldn't have to pay one damn nickel of overtime.

      • Serolf_Divad

        37.5 eh? Dollars to donuts they made you clock out during your 1/2 hour lunch breaks.

        • V572625694

          You betcha!

      • FNMA

        Some years ago, my wife worked in retail. She had to quit before she killed somebody. Now, she works for doctors, who, I'm just saying, better watch their backs.

  • prommie

    Today, we are all unemployed Swedish Rapists condemned for making light of Sweden's serious effort to "do something" about gender inequality, even if what they are doing reaches all the way around and actually smacks of good old fashioned condescending paternalism with its presumption that weak helpless females need special protection from stronger, predatory males, who are always, always forcing themselves on women who submit only because of unequal power relationships, because they don't like sex if they are nice girls, anyway.

    • GuyClinch

      Exactly what I was thinking.

      • prommie

        Great minds and all that.

    • Fare la Volpe

      …Merry…Christmas?

    • SorosBot

      Comment to the wrong post?

    • CapeClod

      Today we are all Lisbeth Salander.__(That's a reference to those Swedish "The Girl With the Dragon Tatoo" book things, you functional illiterates.)

    • transfatz

      That's one hell of a sentence. I loved the "reaches all the way around and actually smacks". A seriously underrated comment.

  • VinnyThePooh

    Well, St. John the Boner, the billionaire tax cuts are still in effect and have been for 10 years. Where are the jobs?

  • prommie

    "The law, in its majestic equality, prohibits both the rich and the poor from sleeping under bridges."

    • V572625694

      Hey, that's my quote from Anatole France!

      • prommie

        Can't we be reasonable, for the good of the quote, and work out a joint custody agreement? I get to use it every other weekend?

        • V572625694

          Okay, but I get to keep the house. You can live in your car, you cheating bastard.

  • PublicLuxury

    Its the season for giving. But the giving just includes fruitcake not jobs or food baskets or unemployment checks. The season of giving is giving the citizens the boot.

  • Crank_Tango

    Where's my fucking Jelly of the Month Club certificate, huh Nobama?

  • Tiny Tim won't even get a socialist federally funded generic winter holiday goose this year.

    • PublicLuxury

      Tiny Tim was a lazy ass gimp that just wanted to suck at the guvmint teat. He needs to git hisself a scooter and find a fuckin' job the lazy ass homo lovin' ass kissin' little fag.

      • transfatz

        Or go on "Hobbling With The Stars".

    • genxr

      Tiny Tim was an anchor baby!

    • GOPCrusher

      If Ebenezer Scrooge is your hero?
      Life. You're doing it wrong!

  • karen

    As one of those unemployed slobs, I have to say that it seems that the few people that are being hired by retailers are those with existing retail experience. I'm sorry that I haven't spent the last 4 years of my life selling HoHo's and Oatmeal Creme Pies to the lard asses of America.

    I just would like a job while I decide what I'm going to do down the line (grad school sounds nice, where? I dont know). I didn't realize that running a cash register required such in-depth experience, and a hiring process equivalent to that of a fucking CEO.

  • horsedreamer_1

    Ever get the feeling U.S. America is becoming the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree of the world?

  • SudsMcKenzie

    I feel up a mannequin at home, in my spare time, …. just as a fall back position.

  • StillGoinGreen

    Hey Jack, can you write about something more uplifting – you know, kinda like that story where Arizona killed that war hero dog or something? I gotta do some Xmas shopping this afternoon and this shit is really dragging me down!

    • V572625694

      Speaking of America's Craziest State (Sun-Fried Division), how about them death panels?

      "Effective at the beginning of October, Arizona stopped financing certain transplant operations under the state’s version of Medicaid. Many doctors say the decision amounts to a death sentence for some low-income patients, who have little chance of survival without transplants and lack the hundreds of thousands of dollars needed to pay for them"

      Thinking about that'll put us all in the true spirit of the Holiday Gifting Season!

      • StillGoinGreen

        I CALL DIBS ON THEIR BRIDGE ABUTMENT!!!!1!!1!1

      • This gives those lazy poors an opportunity to pull themselves up by their bootstraps and perform transplants themselves at home. All they need is the Koch Brothers' Lil' Home Helper Organ Transplant Kit, available at a Walmart or Costco near you!

      • mrpuma2u

        I'm sure Boner and crew are Ok with a decrease in the surplus population. Apologies to Dickens. Bah mother-fucking humbug.

      • GOPCrusher

        That's American Exceptionalism!

  • Allmighty_Manos

    And this is important to the Washington Post editorial board how? Don't you know the deficit commission just came out with some very serious ideas? And its bipartisan!? Worrying about unemployment is a liberal dogma.

    • horsedreamer_1

      Whatever ye shall do for the Least of My Broders, that ye do unto me.

      Jesus was a deficit-hawk!

  • PsycWench

    But I thought that Congress' resisting extending unemployment benefits was going to DECREASE unemployment coz all the slackers were going to face facts and go back to work. That's what Jim DeMent and Co. told me.

  • slithytovesss

    As if my family being around wasn't enough to hate the holidays.

  • mereoblivion

    Will your baby have your malnutrition? PredictYourHomelessBaby.com

  • ttommyunger

    Keep your doors locked, Pilgrims, this is going to be a strange and dangerous Holiday Season. Way too many folk are being pushed to the breaking point.

  • Boogie_Man

    Dear Santa,

    Fuck the chimney sliding, toy giving bullshit and give these Democrats some balls for the Holiday season.

    Yours Truly,

    America's Unemployed

  • Native_of_SL_UT

    Patience, people, patience. Those Bush tax cuts are finally going to start helping any day now.

    • transfatz

      Hey, this trickle down is yellow!

  • P_Drizzle

    If only I were still unemployed. I could be at least eight loko by now.

  • schvitzatura

    Illegal aliens' dry foot super-duper baby crucified on a wooden hog trough in Bethlehem?

    Fast forward about three decades…

  • SilverFox

    But we finally censured that urban Charlie Rangel! All of our nation's problems should be solved.

  • Why so sad, Charlie Brown?

    After being unemployed for months and receiving a notice from the Michigan Employment Security Commission that there weren't any extensions I landed a temporary job for the holidays.

    But best of all, every dollar I earn over $250,000 will be safe from being killed dead by that additional 4% that Obama wants.

    • GOPCrusher

      Livin the American Dream!

  • MistaEko

    Obama: I guess you were right, John. I shouldn't have tried to stimulate job growth. Everything I do turns into a disaster. I guess I really don't know what the Economy is all about. Isn't there anyone who knows what the Economy is all about?

    John Boehner: Sure, Barack, I can tell you what the economy is all about.
    Lights, please.

  • MistaEko

    "And there were in the same country hillbillies abiding in the subdivisions, keeping watch over their credit card statements. And lo, a Trader of the Day came upon them, and the glory of his Italian suit shone round about them: and they were so afraid. And the Trader said unto them, 'Keep using that VISA card, and I shall bring unto you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is incorporated this day in the City of New York a rising tide which shall lift too your boat, which is Atlantic Trust Wealth Management. And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find a shantytown, wrapped in health violations, built for thee.' And suddenly there was with the Trader a multitude of foreclosure specialists, praising Bank of America, and saying, 'Glory to Rand in the highest, and on earth here, you've got 30 days to move out.'"

    That's what the Economy is all about, Silly Brown-man.

    • HistoriCat

      That … that was so beautiful! You moved me man.

  • EdFlintstone

    Unemloyment up while U.S. corporate profits are at record levels. Someday somebody is going to figure out that the leeches on wall street don't see red, white and blue. They only see green.

    • SorosBot

      But if the trend continues, the Wall Streeters might indeed start seeing red, red that's come from the former insides of their bodies.

  • CalamityJames

    Yeeeeah, so I kinda sorta maybe completely by accident just today made that number higher.

    So….

    yeah.

    On the plus side, I'll have more time to wonk.

    • BeWoot

      Bummer. I've become almost a pro at being unemployed so here's some advice:

      Looking for work (for me at least) involves a great deal of rejection and even more just being plain ignored. This can be hard on one's self-esteem so … try to take one day a week to do things that make you feel good about yourself–woodworking, five more pages on the novel, cooking, doing the floors, working in the yard, golfing, volunteering for community work, shooting assholes on the street–something, anything that rekindles your self-image.

      Also, be prepared for this: Some wag once said, the problem with doing nothing is you never know when you're done. Well, unemployment is like that. The second you wake up, you're already on the job. Also, you work weekends and holidays, which mock you. And you'll see sorry looking people with wretched jobs and you'll think, that sonofabitch found a job; why can't I?

      One final point: Please don't apply anywhere I do. I'll cut you, bitch.

      • CalamityJames

        Ya think maybe the Wonkette needs a bathroom attendant?

        • BeWoot

          Someone to shovel out the stables, maybe. The bathrooms are kept clean by Larry Craig's knees.

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