'And so what happens in this room?'Enjoy this Wonkette Holiday Classic recipe all over again, as though The Gipper was still wandering around somewhere: Whatever the hell “monkey bread” might be — something racist, we assume — it was the thing our favorite first lady Nancy Reagan was known to “cook,” at Thanksgiving or whatever. For America, and for Ronnie! Delight the people at the Holiday Table with this splendid treat.


* 1 package dry yeast
* 1 cup or so, of milk
* 3 eggs
* 3 tablespoons sugar
* 1 teaspoon salt
* 4-1/2 cups flour
* 2 Percocet
* 6 ounces butter, room temperature
* 1/2 pound melted butter
* 1 (9-inch) ring mold
* 3 whisky sours


In a bowl, mix yeast with small amount of milk until dissolved. (Remember to do this in a bowl and not just on the counter or whatever.) Add 2 eggs and beat, the eggs. Mix in dry ingredients. Add remaining milk a little at a time, mixing thoroughly. Cut in butter until blended. Take Percocet with first Whisky Sour. Knead dough, let rise 1 to 1 1/2 hours until doubled in size. (You can sit on the floor and lean against the cabinets for this part. No-one will see you crying.)

Roll dough onto floured board, shape into a log. Cut log into 24 pieces of equal size. Shape each piece of dough into a ball, roll in melted butter. Place 12 balls in the bottom of the buttered and floured mold, leaving space between. Take a rest, wash your hands, drink second Whisky Sour. Place remaining balls on top, spacing evenly. Let dough rise in mold for 30 minutes. Brush top with remaining egg. Bake in preheated oven at 375 degrees until golden brown, approximately 25 to 30 minutes.

Drink third whisky sour, fall asleep on floor. Make the negro servants bake dessert.

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  • OzoneTom

    I'd make it too, but monkeys are so hard to come by at this time of year in North Idaho.

    • EdFlintstone

      I prefer the baby monkeys for a nice tender, vealesque monkey bread.

    • kittensdontlie

      Once all the summer's okra, black-eyed peas and watermelons are gone, can you blame them for leaving.

  • You forgot the final step.

    Bang Frank "There’s only ten pounds of Frank, but there’s 110 pounds of cock" Sinatra in a WH bedroom while Ronnie putters around with Bonzo.

    • V572625694

      ¿Es verdad?

      • The ten pounds quote is true… Ava Gardner.

        Not exactly sure about the Frank and Nancy doing it in the WH, but Nancy was well known for her cocksucking abilities when she was an actress.

        • BornInATrailer

          Ken cut out the "Place dough log in warm moist environment to rise (e.g. your throat)" portion of the instructions out of respect.

          "Don't forget to cup the dough balls" was never in there, only implied, because.. duh?

          I love necroposting.

    • Terry

      Can you really blame her?

  • Bluestatelibel

    And for you Red State and scooter folks–add 3 lbs. butter, large jar of sour cream, and 3 cups of corn syrup. When bread is finished baking, apply spray-on butter, and top with whip cream and 1 cup confectioners sugar.

    • neiltheblaze

      The Paula Dean touch!

    • Botlrokit

      For all your delightful replies, the American economy (and that one of Novo Nordisk) thank you for contributing to the capitalisms.

    • Eve8Apples

      And substitute a case of Budweiser for the whisky sour.

  • i don't actually believe Nancy recognizes Thanksgiving, but she would celebrate with this dish whenever Aries was ascendant in the fourth quadrant of Ronnie's natal chart.

  • Lascauxcaveman

    I've made this recipe! I didn't have any Percocet, however, so I substituted w/4 Vicodin, a shot of Jaegermeister and a bong hit. Anyway, it turned out great.

    (I think)

    • Crank_Tango

      4 vicodin is my recommended starting dose. well it was before rehab anyway. Eventually, I stopped shitting and then when I could only get valium (in mexico), my eyes lost their depth perception and I kept driving into things…what were we talking about again?

      • kenlayisalive

        If I miss one thing about Phoenix it is the easy access to the pharmacies of Nogales.

    • Doglessliberal

      Vicodin makes me hurl, and all the opiates make you consitpated, so I think I would go in a different direction, maybe use Valium. For sure a lot of families would get along a lot better at Thanksgiving with a nice dose of Money Sedation Bread.

      • StillGoinGreen

        Hydrocodone makes me constipated and vodka and cranberry gives me the trots – so, since my back injury 6 years ago, I'm as regular as Big Ben!!

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Cool, now we're reposting the original comments w/the traditional recipes themselves, apparently.

      I think I was probably funnier, 104 weeks ago.

      • StillGoinGreen

        Wasn't that around the time that you posted that ACTUAL recipe for beer bread? I made the loaf and it was great!

        • Lascauxcaveman

          It may have been around then, I've been making it for a couple years now.

  • Open a couple valium capsules and sprinkle contents on top as you curse the day Donald Regan was born.

    • Doglessliberal

      argh, didn't see this when I posted.

    • widestanceromance

      And DO spring for the blues. Using twice as many yellows adds a bitter note.

  • SeveredHead.

    1. You can rub it into your hair.
    2. Sell Monkey Bread Balls on the internet. Earn extra Cash!
    3. This thick bread holds pills good.
    4. Shellac and wear as a hat.

    Eat it? Oh, Heaven's no! It tastes and looks like he dog's dinner.

  • OneDollarJuana

    Can't fool me! That ain't no monkey. That there's an elephant!

  • Progressiveinga

    Serve with a side of Portuguese Macaca Jam. Deeelish!

  • PocketsTheClown

    something something whiskey something… see you at the bar chumps.

  • Mindblank

    I keep reading 'Monkey brains'. Chilled? Zombies?

  • What would Jill Biden do with this shit?

  • SudsMcKenzie

    … serve at room temperature, at Air Force One, parked halfway inside a building.

  • smokefilledroommate

    What makes it 'monkey' bread exactly? She could have saved a lot more time with Bisquick.

  • SorosBot

    There's also the secret ingredient, which comes from the days Reagan was the starlet Nancy Davis and known for giving the best blowjobs in Hollywood.

    • SorosBot

      Hey look, I can talk to my two-years-younger self! Heehee blowjobs.

    • DemonicRage

      It is so cruel to drag this up again and post it, where MSNBC news analyst Ron Reagan, might read it.

  • V572625694

    Don't forget the Kraft© Miniature Marshmallows® and Velveeta "cheese"!

    • PocketsTheClown

      Need to stuff a twinkie in there and fry it.

  • PsycWench

    You need to specify Cool Whip (otherwise someone might fail and use real cream) and there should be some Jello in there somewhere.

    • PocketsTheClown

      Ooh, good call.

  • GeorgiaBurning

    Monkey bread? Take a look at that woman, she subsists on olives and fruit slices fished out of her drinks.

    • V572625694

      You say that like it's a bad thing.

      • HRH_Maddie

        Nanc is my goal weight.

    • succalina

      The head to body ratio is astounding! How did she hold her head up?

  • smokefilledroommate

    Have you seen the sequel, For a Few Benzos More?

    • metamarcisf

      I'm a big fan of "High Plains Tweaker"

  • JoshuaNorton

    Don't forget the most important step. Having 4 chefs stand around waiting to clean up your mess.

  • badseeds

    What the hell is that thing on the prep table in front of her? A ring mold decorated with a bunch of erect yet gangrenous Johnsons? (I have not implied that any of them might be our 40th President's.)

  • CapeClod

    Just say no to percocet and Whisky Sours.

  • smokefilledroommate

    I always top mine with Ranch Dressing–another good variation on this timeless classic.

  • EdFlintstone

    It isn't red state without some deep frying.

  • DahBoner

    Call the health inspector!

    That lady touching the food ain't wearing one of those cafeteria lady hairnet thingies!


    There could be dried-up, shrivelled old lady hair mixed into that whatever it is!

    • PublicLuxury

      Better than a pube on your coke

    • spends2much

      Nah, that thing is laquered in place so hard Nancy could get dropped by a linebacker and not lose a hair. Which I would very much like to see.

  • CapeClod

    It's not a Red State dish until you add some Miracle Whip.

    • Texan_Bulldog

      That's Baconnaise. Miracle Whip is for elite wussies!

    • OneDollarJuana

      And bitters. Every Red State recipe is bitter, so bitter.

  • OT, sorta…

    Speaking of Monkey Bread, former Wonkette Ed and current Salooner Alex Pareene is running a series called Hack Thirty in the Saloon's War Room. It is about monkeys who a paid staggering amounts of bread to write drivel for the LSM. I particularly enjoyed his smackdown on #22, total douche Tucker Carlson, with linkies back here to the glorious archives of our own Wonkette.


    • fuflans

      thank you for fun.

  • genxr

    Serve with a slice of pickled fetus on the side.

  • rocktonsam

    making monkee bread= making whoopie with R squared

    • In terms of curve fitting, the R² for Nancy Raygunzap & whoopie would be zero.

      • mull_man

        because it is overdetermined.

        and I can't guarantee that will be the last statistical response from the econometrician's corner.

  • OzoneTom

    The closest TJ's is in the Seattle area. The news says that there will be one opening in Spokane so there's some hope.

    Until then I will have to get through Thanksgiving with just the whisky — hold the sour.

    • natoslug

      You can thank me. I kept writing TJ's, complaining about the lack of a Spokane location. They just needed me to leave before they'd start building it.

      p.s. — Enjoying the frosty weather this week? It's wonderfully sunny and warm(ish) here in CA.

      • OzoneTom


        I'll even resist the urge to pour salt on you for mocking my ice-bound predicament.

  • el_donaldo

    3 whiskey sours and out? No, Nancy had a tougher constitution than that – I'll bet the bitch could down half a fifth or more before the Percocet took her down.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Well, I am just a monkey man
    I'm glad you are a monkey woman too

    • metamarcisf

      All my friends are junkies (that's not really true)

    • LionHeartSoyDog

      I'm a creepin' flea-bit monkey.

      "Doesn't it you?"

  • elviouslyqueer

    Hell, just add some sweetened condensed milk, and hey presto, Butter Rolls!

  • V572625694

    "Breaking Bad" country? Or D H Lawrence?

    • metamarcisf

      "Breaking Bad": 2nd and Hazeldine, where Combo got shot

  • Redhead

    I probably said this last year, but that anorexic bitch didn't eat any monkey bread or any other bread.

  • binarian

    Just read the Food Network hack of Monkey Bread. I call bullshit, monkey bread is supposed to have cinnamon/sugar in it….and rum…..or maybe that Buttershots schnapps stuff. Stupid revisionist fucks.

  • horsedreamer_1

    There's rich, & then there's Monkee rich: Mike Nesmith's mom invented liquid paper.

  • ttommyunger

    Who cares about the fucking Monkey Bread! She never did tell us what Jane Wyman's pussy tastes like, did she?

  • mereoblivion

    That's "Negro servants" to you.

  • lochnessmonster

    The Monkey Bread I make is for breakfast and has LOTS of sugar and cinnamon and once cooled, the caramel that develops during baking can crack your teeth. (This could lead to emergency dentistry). I guess you could drink mimosas while cooking it but I don't know what kind of drug would be appropriate for the morning. Any ideas?

    • Plowmon

      Usually bong-hits are appropriate to offer your guests before breakfast.

      • LibertyLover

        nuh-uh… cocaine… for that good morning pick me up…

    • succalina

      All of them, Katie.

      • lochnessmonster

        Me too that's the way I make it…but maybe Nancy forgot that part b/c she was sauced?JanWhat other people think of youIs none of your business.

  • CalamityJames

    It may be the depression of having prop19 fail, but this all sounds glorious.

    Or maybe I'm stoned. Can we add pesto?

  • Plowmon

    Pretty bland monkey-bread but we are talking some serious white people here…

    • Jukesgrrl

      Particularly a woman who doesn't look as if a single carbohydrate has ever traveled down her gullet.

  • JackObin

    I'll have to check with my astrologer and make sure this recipe is safe.

  • killbot

    nancy reagans graphic can easily be photo-shopped against that monkey rack table on '5 Faces Of Death'.

  • MsQuasimodo

    Hey, which part? Farmington? Home of Halliburton and the two Walmarts?

  • pwg991

    Monkey Bread, Gorilla Bread, also called “Affenbrot” is German, literally meaning “ape bread". There is nothing racist or anti-semetic about a german word being translated into english. Good grief, America get a grip. Keep your nose out of the gutter.

    • DemonicRage

      Whatever that original posting was (I deleted it), I did not post it. I deleted it very rapidly, after reading it. There was an electronic screw-up, or someone posted it, using my name. –DemonicRage

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I see everything twice!! But two years between sightings!

  • BadKitty904

    I dunno 'bout the Percocets, but the whiskey-sours sound pretty tasty.

  • HRH_Maddie

    This recipe was originally just called "bread" but Nancy Reagan didn't think it sounded racist enough.

  • Wow, mereoblivion was here… and KenLayIsAlive, whatever happened to that dude? He was last sending us photos and updates live from Occupy W.S. in NYC.

  • sullivanst

    Good thing the photographer managed to snap this shot before Nancy jumped over the table and started sucking on those green things with a bow tied around them.

    WTF is that, an official entry for the "world's most phallic dessert" competition?

    • jello_mold

      I know, right? what were we talking about?

      • sullivanst

        It must be judging table, because the one in front of the guy on Nancy's left is also clearly an entry.

  • Directions: First, catch a monkey…

    • BadKitty904

      Shave lightly, then roll in cocaine…

      • Jus_Wonderin

        I hate that part. Can't I just get prerolled Monkey?

  • larrykat

    We just make plain old jiggaboo bread.

    • widestanceromance

      My family always had porch climber rolls (anybody else ever heard that term?).

      • larrykat

        Actually, not quite – it was "porch-n*", actually. Those little regional differences give America such a rich tableaux, don't they?

        • widestanceromance

          Indeed. I fear we're losing that when Fox talks about 'urbans.'

        • Since we're bringing out the Old-Timeys, my Momma said you people smell like tallow.

          • BaldarTFlagass

            *sniffs armpits*

            I see her point.

            *douses self with more Acqua d'Gio*

      • BaldarTFlagass

        The term I heard here in South Central Texas was "porch monkeys." Ugh.

        • widestanceromance

          "You know what a turtle is, Leon? Same thing."

    • MissTaken

      My grandma made the monkey bread with Brazil nuts. But that's not what she called them.

      • Botlrokit

        Ugh. I learned this word recently.

  • There's no present like the past. Now for a drink.

    • LibertyLover

      In a world where "past is prologue" and "those who do not remember history are doomed to repeat it," it appears that we will be repeating the same ol' same ol' Thanksgiving as yesteryear….it will be beautiful. Like a rerun of the Twilight Zone.

  • SexySmurf

    Theorizing that one could time travel within one's own lifetime, SexySmurf lead an elite group of wise asses into the Internets to develop a top secret project known as Wonkette Leap. Trapped in the past, SexySmurf finds himself leaping from post to post, deleting comments that once went wrong and hoping that each time that the next post will be about David Petraeus' penis.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      Depending on our mood, it could be called Quantum Bleep.

    • LibertyLover

      Quantum Leap Libel!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Slow news day today. Nothing happening anywhere.

    • SorosBot

      But is anything happening anywhen?

    • Jus_Wonderin

      Hey, not so fast. Plenty of stuff is happening in my pants. I got nothin'. Just that I am back from Home Depot with many pipe parts that I will probably have to return.

      • Botlrokit

        Are you as inept in the garage with tools as I am?

        • Jus_Wonderin

          Nah, I'd say I am ept with tools when I can find where I left them (<<not in the toolbox).

  • LibrarianX

    She could rock Dancing With the Stars.

    • RedneckMuslin

      She would probably break a leg and then make someone feel bad because they told her to. Of course, more likely to break a hip.

      • LibrarianX

        Think of the entertainment potential! 30 years ago, she was walking onto things. By now, her act would be priceless.

  • widestanceromance

    Hello? Ceder cheese or GTFO.

  • Lets reply to our own old comments for self-esteem purposes.

    • SorosBot

      Hey I resemble that remark!

      • When your old self starts replying to your replies, that's when you know the drugs are working!

    • Yeah… how weird to get a emailed Intensedebate notification from myself! Or from one of y'all to something I forgot I'd said.

    • HistoriCat

      Is it bad if I read one of my old comments and laugh – but no one upfisted it two years ago?

      • You can upfist it now! That's the beauty of it! Go ahead, do yourself a favor.

  • Jus_Wonderin

    Nowhere in that recipe does it tell us how much monkey to add.

  • Since we are doing all recipes today, will tomorrow be all hookers or all blow?

    • Botlrokit

      I want to know where the best bargains are.

    • shelwood46

      Advice on how to dispose of bodies (of bitter RWNJ relatives). Useful stuff.

  • widestanceromance

    Man, I had a comment that was funny as shit, but 104 weeks later, I'm not so sure.

  • widestanceromance

    What's up with the cabbage/asparagus dildos arranged so nicely in the photo?

  • Antispandex

    If making monkey bread with Nancy is wrong, who wants to be right?

  • LibertyLover

    I don't know… combining bread and mold doesn't seem healthy somehow…I usually throw out my bread after it's been molded.

  • SorosBot

    Maybe I shouldn't have hitched a ride with that DeLorean tomorrow morning.

    • HistoriCat

      I just stepped in that old blue box for a minute to get out of the rain. Then some idiot in a DeLorean ran into it.

      • SorosBot

        If you need help, you can try flagging down a pair of stupid California surfer dudes in a packed phone booth.

        • HistoriCat

          I bow to your superiority.

  • southernboyman

    What is under those damn hats?

    • LibertyLover

      Pickles. Duh.

  • Goonemeritus

    I’m holding out for some of Michele’s yummy kale recipes.

  • gullywompr

    Breitbart is still dead, though, right?

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    I have enough trouble figuring out what is going on without reading two year old comments.

    <cocks head to the side with puzzled dog expression>

    • SorosBot

      I'm still having trouble figuring out what tense to use. One of the major problems encountered in time travel is not that of becoming your own father or mother. There is no problem in becoming your own father or mother that a broad-minded and well-adjusted family can't cope with. There is no problem with changing the course of history—the course of history does not change because it all fits together like a jigsaw. All the important changes have happened before the things they were supposed to change and it all sorts itself out in the end.

      The major problem is simply one of grammar, and the main work to consult in this matter is Dr. Dan Streetmentioner's Time Traveler's Handbook of 1001 Tense Formations. It will tell you, for instance, how to describe something that was about to happen to you in the past before you avoided it by time-jumping forward two days in order to avoid it. The event will be descibed differently according to whether you are talking about it from the standpoint of your own natural time, from a time in the further future, or a time in the further past and is futher complicated by the possibility of conducting conversations while you are actually traveling from one time to another with the intention of becoming your own mother or father.

      • MissTaken


        – 2010 and 2012 MissTaken

        • SorosBot

          Like you're not one too.

      • BigSkullF*ckingDog

        <tilts head the other way>

      • BaldarTFlagass

        When the next present-day post is posted, this will be a moot point.

    • Yep, I did the Nasty in the Pasty.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      Ah, I must comment on this.

  • smellypossum

    Who you tryin' to fool?

    Making monkey bread were Nancy and Ronnie's code words for buttsecks on the Reagan familiy Ouiji board.

    Nancy had a strap-on.

  • BadKitty904

    But how does monkey bread relate to Benghazi?

    • SorosBot

      I think Benghazi bread is made from a dead horse, not monkey.

      • BadKitty904

        Ooo, nice 'un! *applauds* :0)

  • CrunchyKnee

    Just say no.

  • I think Monkey Bread sounds fun!

  • If the image in this post makes me wistful for ol' Nancy-on-Mr.T's-lap wonk imagery, can I posit based on today's time warp events that I look forward to seeing Mrs. Reagan looking idiotic on Mr. T/ Santa's lap again?

  • OneDollarJuana

    I quit buying the TJ's monkeys because you have to buy 4 monkeys in a shrink-wrapped pack, and that's just too many monkeys. Besides, one monkey always has a couple of bad spots on the bottom that you can't see when you buy them.

  • Look out, Curious George! Run!

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    So nancy is touching the dessert with an elephant on it. The one next to it appears to be an erect penis.

    • MissTaken

      I like the 8 green erections in front. Very festive!

  • "Dear Shit-fer-Brains,

    I never thought it would happen to me"

  • Does she lick the spoon? I heard she does that.

  • MMathS

    By my count, there's one Percocet unaccounted for at the end of the recipe.

    Can I have it?

  • Limeylizzie

    I had to spend a Thanksgiving with my ex-bf's Granny and she had a recipe box that included many First Lady's recipes, the most repulsive , and one that she made for us, was "Pat Nixon's Hot Chicken Salad, she also made us a truly vile thing called 'Aloha Eggs" meant to celebrate Hawaii's joining the union and it involved hard boiled eggs that were then put into a casserole dish, covered with cheese and pineapple slices and baked for about an hour, they were like bullets.

    • I can think of no better dish to celebrate Hawaii's being overthrown by super-wealthy American landowners and forceably joined to the union at gunpoint, honestly. It is downright apt.

    • shelwood46

      For our fire company holiday dinner one year, the caterer made "Hawaiian Chicken", which was chicken breast marinated in Hawaiian Punch fruit punch, topped with a pineapple slice. The chicken was bright red on the outside, pink inside. Heinous.

      • Limeylizzie

        Ewwwww. That sounds vile! Although, as a Brit, I do enjoy some pretty nasty food, Scotch Eggs are weird and delicious, unless they are not very fresh. Get a hard-boiled egg, cover it in pork sausage meat, roll it in bread crumbs and deep fry.

    • "Pat Nixon's Hot Chicken Salad" would make a pretty good a) wonkette alias b) band name c) title for my autobiography d) emetic

  • LibrarianX

    Nancy's little smile says: poopy pants

  • I can't believe it took me this long to look at the comment dates, and realize that this was Night of the Living Comment Threads up in here.

    I just realized what everyone has been talking about for like three posts now!

    • HistoriCat

      Remember this moment. Remember it in 2014 when this recipe with comments is posted again. That way you will feel really smart.

  • randcoolcatdaddy

    So, which of the _three_ sets of White House china that Nancy insisted on having is in the photo?

  • elgin_pelican

    Wait! If we're descended from monkeys, how come there's still monkey bread? HUH?

  • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

    For my own future personal amusement:

    Hi, future self! Drunk yet?

  • ttommyunger

    Word bubble over Nancy's head: "You're telling me I can eat any of these desserts and they will turn to shit in 36 hours or so?"

  • mosjef

    I thought Nancy made Monkey Bread in the seated position.

  • BZ1

    What's with all the foodies, doesn't anyone drink any more?

  • barto

    I once heard a comic describe Nancy as having the face of a freeze dried rhesus monkey. He died of a heart attack shortly thereafter. Not sure if the two things are related. That's life.

  • NucMedMarc

    You know what the real main ingredient in monkey bread is? What do you think "Bedtime for Bonzo" means?

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