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The Food and Drug Administration is preparing to ban caffeinated alcohol drinks, Sen. Charles Schumer said Tuesday. In response, one leading manufacturer of these drinks announced that it will remove caffiene and other ingredients from its product.

Schumer may think he is safe with his new six-year term, but he is not. On November 2, this country sent a clear message: FIVE, SIX, OR MAYBE EVEN EIGHT LOKO, not zero. America will drag him out of that Capitol and dissolve him alive in a vat of bootlegged Four Loko.

Oh well, guess we will have to drown our sorrows that alcohol and caffeine will never mix with rum-and-Cokes or, say, vodka-Red Bulls. THERE IS AN AMENDMENT AGAINST THIS SORT OF GOVERNMENT ACTION, SCHUMER. [CNN]

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  • Buzz Feedback

    Don't drink anything you can't see through.

    • Billmatic

      Unless it's beer then it's ideal.

      • nounverb911

        I love a beer you can chew.

    • Coffee, Porter and Red Wine here and I agree 120%. Water is for babies, I've got kidney stones to feed.

    • DashboardBuddha

      Coincidentally, my friends at the open mic and I were talking about cheap tipples we have imbibed when in college.

      Friend 1 – The vodka we drank was triple distilled
      Friend 2 – pft – our vodka was only double distilled
      Friend 3 – Hah…pikers. Our vodka was only single distilled
      Friend 4 – Fuck ya'll…my vodka still had chunks of potato in it.

      • GuyClinch

        The cheap stuff we drank in high school was grocery-store-bought lemon extract (about 170 proof or something ridiculous) mixed in with lots and lots of Diet Slice. I'm amazed I survived.

  • mookwrthwilson

    Is it still ok if I inject this straight into my junk?

    • DashboardBuddha

      Only if under the supervision of a TSA Pedobear.

  • mavenmaven

    Note that they are leaving the alcohol in, and taking the caffeine out. Now we can all feel much safer *ahem*

    • Negropolis

      The logic behind it is that the caffeine keeps you alert, but the alcohol dampens your motor skills giving you a kind of false security that you can actually do things that you can't while your drunk. Not that that is all that different than actually being drunk (thinking you can do things you can't), but it's just an additional layer of false security.

      But, the ban is stupid. Also.

      • There is a similar debate about including Vitamin B-1 in alcoholic beverages. It could prevent brain damage and visual impairment in chronic alcoholics, but at the cost of alcohol abusers thinking it's health food. It's mostly been illegal everywhere, but Australia has started fortifying beer and wine with vitamins.

        I will therefore be changing my usual breakfast routine from Total and skim milk to Frosted Flakes and Foster's.

        • ttommyunger

          Organ recipients will be most thankful, madam.

      • ttommyunger

        Alcohol always made me feel I could do certain things like: leap tall buildings at a single bound, fly faster than a speeding bullet, operate a motor vehicle on public thoroughfares.

      • Chet Kincaid

        That explains all the overconfident incompetents on the Tea Party slate this election: all politics is Four Loko.

    • So college kids will be mixing energy drinks with vodka again, I'm sure that will surely surely lessen the chance of the freshman going DOA.

  • LionelHutzEsq

    Keep the Government's hands off my Irish Coffee!

  • lotusflwr

    Sure, we can outlaw beverages that combine caffeine and alcohol in the same can so we don't have to mix our own because a couple of college kids can't hold it together long enough to pass out in their own dorm room… but salmonella and e. coli can keep straight up killing toddlers and grandmas for years and years and the Senate is just now getting around to voting on a food safety bill tomorrow, maybe, if they don't wake up feeling totes drunk and decide to skip class.

    Priorities priorities….

  • straighteight

    Whoa, whoa, whoa, Four Loko maker – get rid of the caffeine? Why would you do that? Have you ever sampled the wide assortment of energy drinks available for purchase at the average mini-mart? "Delicious" is not a requirement for sugar and taurine (and bull semen, maybe?) filled tallboys. Hell, I once had one that tasted like cat piss filtered through a bag of ACT II popcorn. Dump the alcohol. No one seems to care if you pump a can of corn syrup full of crushed caffeine pills, but alcohol tends to freak people out. Think of all the sales to kids you'll miss out on if you go the "adult beverage" route.

    Idea: Loko Roulette, an energy drink with enough caffeine to possibly stop your heart. Will it kill you? Shotgun the can to find out!

    • ShaveTheWhales

      "Hell, I once had one that tasted like cat piss filtered through a bag of ACT II popcorn."

      I won't be the one who asks how you know to make that comparison.

      Oh, wait.

      • straighteight

        I can make that comparison because I've tasted the "ammonia-rich" Icelandic delicacy called hákarl.

    • Hobos — at least in Oregon — have been pouring cheap energy drinks into malt liquor for years, that is how four loko was born. They have just made it a two step process again.

      • Krugmanic Depressive

        Still, we all know that second step will prevent the most heinous consequences. Half a handle of vodka-and-red-bull into the evening, you run out of one or the other, your "pouring" skills vanish, your "mixing" skills turn into "dump that shit on my roommate," and, after an early morning purging hurl, you can go on with your day.

        • Drinking 16 oz out of 40 oz and pouring in a cheap energy drink does not take mad skills. Especially with wide mouths on both the 40oz and the energy drink being pretty much ubiquitous now.

          The rest of the country may not of seen this style of drink before 4 Loko, but on the West Coast this has been happening since as far back as when Monster Energy Drink came out, so like 10 years. Heard it called a 'Hoodrat Winecooler' about 5 years ago.

      • GOPCrusher

        Agreed. Around these parts, the kids drink Red Bull and vodka. Actually this Four Loko sounds like a step down.

  • kenlayisalive

    Last time I had a six-pack of Sparks, I came out of my black out marching down Avenue D, as I was calling friends telling them I was "walking to Brooklyn" (consult a map). Three days later (nursing a twisted ankle) I found a plastic baggie of coke (ie, baking soda) in my pocket, $60 worth, apparently. Also, my coworker who I was hanging out called in sick for the next week, and never spoke to me again. The only thing I was able to glean from second hand information included humping a taxi cab, getting kicked out of two bars, and having awkward conversations about race relations in America.

    But clearly there was so much more than that.

    I, fo one, think the ban might not be a terrible idea – at least for me.

    • ttommyunger

      And me.

    • Redhead

      Every time I have ever consumed that four loko crap, I blacked out very early on (after about one can – and I can drink a shit load of beer without blacking out, mind you). I also got quite sick the next day, though that was more likely from the sugar/disgusting taste.

      It's always fun when you have one (non-roofied) drink and have to hope that what your friends tell you happened after is actually the truth.

      • kenlayisalive

        Haha. If you don't trust your friends then one can always turn to the police report, amirite?

    • SmutBoffin

      I've danced with the purple LOKO fairy before; it was not a nice experience. I only had a can and 1/2 of the vile stuff (poured on top of, of all things, red wine) and my heart began beating with a somewhat insistent and disconcerting rhythm. My girlfriend kicked me out of bed because I couldn't sleep and was a spasming wreck. (That shit doesn't just have 15% alcohol content plus caffeine, but also a metric assload of sugar.)

      I sifted through Netflix envelopes looking for something to do (it was the middle of the night) and started a movie titled District 9. This was a mistake; it only contributed to my cardiological distress. When it became apparent that my heart was going to explode if I didn't DO SOMETHING, I went to the fridge and started drinking everything alcoholic in it, trying to talk my body down with good old-fashioned non-caffeinated booze.

      I don't remember how it all turned out. I must have just collapsed eventually, when the sugar had become fully metabolized and the alcohol wrestled the caffeine into submission.

      • kenlayisalive

        That's what is nuts. I was already well-drunk and I drank – I'm sorry, not an entire six pack, I think three of them – and it was like on any given day that amount of alcohol would have put me out, but now I was wasted, but also SUPER AWAKE.

        Bad idea. Now if they could invent something that makes you drunk and then sews your mouth shut, that would be something.

    • mumbly_joe

      Funny thing, I've never experienced a blackout- I've had some fairly hazy memories of a previous night's occurences, and definitely percieved several hours as bieng extremely blurry and in soft focus, but I've always been conscious and cognizant throughout the whole ordeal, often to my chagrin the next morning, since my episodic memory is frequently quite strong.

      I am honestly tempted to try one or several of these "Los Quatros Locos" beverages whilst I still can, just so I can see what a catastrophic mess of an ordeal blacking out actually is.

      • kenlayisalive

        Have fun. I would avoid anything dealing with work or people you might ever meet, want to meet, or ever see again.

        And cops. Avoid the cops.

    • GOPCrusher

      Wasn't this the plot to The Hangover?

  • bumfug

    So rum and coke is illegal? What if I get a doctor to advise me that it's medically beneficial?

    • ShaveTheWhales

      Ah, now we're talking "Cuba Libre Medicale" (except for my non-existent grasp of Spanish).

      You can then get your allotted gallons from a convenient Cuba Libre Dispensary.

      If you're in Cali, and Holder hasn't busted it yet.

    • Don't worry this will only effect poor people, congress would never dare tell rich people what they can drink or where they can bury their hookers.

  • HurricaneAli

    You forgot to mention that Four Loko comes in a variety of tropical fruit flavors, in addition to the high-octane malt liquor and added caffeine. Out of those, the purple Four Loko's got to go. It's dangerous DONT DRINK THE PURPLE LOKO MAN.

  • ShaveTheWhales

    Bring back Krystal Ball!

  • natoslug

    If you weren't drinking horrible caffeinated alcohol beverages, you'd be asleep by now. If that isn't a good reason for a ban, I don't know what is.

  • ShaveTheWhales

    Okay, I'm going to have to confess once again to being hopelessly old.

    I've heard of Four Loko, but somehow I've managed to miss the fact that it is a drink that contains both caffeine and alcohol. (Amirite?)

    Now, I'm as partial as any old fart to a good Irish or Messican Coffee, but in a can? WTF? Is there a self-heater and whipped cream injector?

    Perhaps more to the point: We're banning this because it contains alcohol and caffeine? Admittedly, it sounds terribly unpalatable, but there are already huge numbers of legal, and terribly unpalatable, sources of alcohol and caffeine.

    How about a fucking job-stimulus bill?

    • Redhead

      It has more caffeine and more alcohol in one can then your typical red bull/vodka deal and is relatively cheap, given the amount of alcohol it contains. There are concerns that the marketing is targeted to kids.

      But from personal experience, there is something else in that crap. I have blacked out every time I had any, even though that same amount of alcohol in normal beer would have me feeling maybe buzzed. I've heard similar stories from other other people.

  • Lazy Media

    That stuff should be banned simply to protect American taste buds. I split a can of it with five other people as an experiment, and here's what the tropical punch flavor tastes like: A mixture of Ocean Spray cranberry cocktail, Robitussin, and generic lemon-lime soda, with a couple of drops of Head & Shoulder's shampoo and a pinch of aluminum shavings.

    The taste lingers for a good five minutes. You know that metallic taste you get in your mouth when you get hit in the head really hard? It's like that.

    We concluded that it was the worst-tasting alcoholic beverage since Zima Gold.

    Of course, it tastes like the overpriced cat-piss "energy" corn syrup that all the kids drink instead of proper soda pop. You couldn't have something more clearly marketed at underage drinkers unless it came in a plastic bottle with a nipple.

  • x111e7thst

    If you blow enough coke you don't need any caffeine to continue running around annoying people while you die of alcohol poisoning.

    • justkillmenow

      Ah, the good old days.

  • One_who_wanders

    I hate to sound like one of Them but doesn't the government have better things to do. I mean haven't most of us had rum and cokes with a higher alcholic content? It's 12% alcohol by volume – not much worse than a strong beer or wine. Sheesh. Everyone panic, right now.

    • Katydid

      No, no they don't, because all of the other problems in America are already fixed. We're all getting unicorns and Congress now farts lavender; didn't you get the memo?

      • Sparky_McGruff

        We're all getting orange, nicotine stained unicorns with borderline cirrhosis. And antibiotic-resistant STDs. You'd better wear gloves when you pet your "Boehner unicorn".

    • BerkeleyBear

      Actually, 12 percent is rarified territory for beer (you are into barley wine territory anytime you get over 10). To get to 8-10 percent you are generally going for expensive imports or microbrews that college kids don't generally go for like trappist style doppels and strong Euro-porters. In a 24 oz tall boy, 12 percent would be a six pack of mass brew pisswater at least, probably more, at least 4 Guinnesses (low quality American version), and nearly a full bottle of wine. In other words, a whole night in a can for most people – but because of the caffeine you drink 2-3 and wind up shit faced.

      I don't think the government should ban it, because I think its a great Darwinian tool, but it should be noted that its a heck of a lot more potent than a standard bar well drink or a beer.

  • So does this ban Kahlua, Coffee Liquors and Irish Coffees or just poor people drinks?

    • One_who_wanders

      No worries – just the poors and the youngs.

  • Bring back Meth Malt Beverages!

  • Wait a minute! Drew Carey invent a coffee and beer mix called Buzz Beer back on his sitcom in the 90's. Copyright infringement!

  • ttommyunger

    Thank god our elected officials have their priorities in order. I was worried for a brief moment there that they might tackle something that would do our economy or war status some good. Silly me. ps: Shave, you are not alone; I've never even heard of that drink, much less tried it.

  • Krugmanic Depressive

    Ban Crystal Skull Diamond Filtered Vodka!

  • DashboardBuddha

    This is bad news for the companies that supply Maine a with its treasured, Allen's Coffee Brandy. (or as I like to call it, Hangover in a Bottle). Seriously…Maine drinks about 1 million bottles of this swill a year. That's like one bottle for each Maine resident.

  • Naked_Bunny

    one leading manufacturer of these drinks announced that it will remove caffiene and other ingredients from its product

    Not using any ingredients will certainly reduce manufacturing costs.

  • doxastic

    Great, now how the hell am I going to get drunk and wired enough to grade papers?

    • Naked_Bunny

      Silly. Loko is for the students. Teachers should be using the professional, adult combination of vodka and cocaine.

  • Chet Kincaid

    Ever since the end of the Draft and the Raise-The-Drinking-Age Riots of the '80s, we've been searching for something to get the addle-pated Youngs re-engaged in overturning the Establishment. Now that the "Elect My Cool Black Friend President" movement has dissipated, we finally have an issue!

  • GravyBoyJohnson

    the damn dirty apes can pull my southern tier javah imperial stout from my cold dead hands!

  • Everyone wants to make this stuff so complicated. What's wrong with the traditional handful of NoDoz washed down with a bottle of Richard's Wild Irish Rose fortified wine? Always worked fo' me.

    • Redhead

      oh god. I want to puke just reading "Wild Irish Rose." At least with the four loko I don't remember how shitty the night went… with that Irish Rose crap…. blech.

  • hagajim

    This Just In – Monsanto Lobbying Furiously to Keep Four Loko on Market – Apparently they don't know what to do with their extra Roundup if Four Loko is banned.

  • catchtheflava

    Not to be a buzzkill or anything here, but I'm pretty sure the war in Afghanistan is claiming more under-21 lives than Four Fucking Loko.

  • fuflans

    HA! what could possibly go wrong here:

    The name "Four" is derived from its four main ingredients: alcohol, caffeine, taurine, and guarana. It also contains carbonated water, sugar, and natural and artificial flavoring.

    In 2008, Phusion Projects began selling their products in Europe. The European version of Four MaXed is sold in 8.3–oz. (250mL) glass bottles and is spirit-based; the United States version has a malt liquor base.

  • Billmatic

    Wiki led me to discover that Four Loko is a product of Ohio State University. As if there wasn't enough reason to think they're all a bunch of obnoxious drunks.

  • KevoTron

    Never fourget.

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