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Here's your global warming proof right here.What does being the only man in America to apologize to BP for this past summer’s oil spill get you? Why, the chairmanship of the House Energy and Commerce Committee, of course! Joe Barton is still somehow the ranking Republican member of that committee, so he will probably get that job, even though his party has lots of reasons not to give it to him. Barton is hoping to do a good job as the energy chairman — and that means making sure this country burns up as much energy resources as possible. That’s why he’s defending “traditional, incandescent light bulb” marriage against Americans who sinfully want to marry “the little, squiggly, pig-tailed ones.”

ONE LIGHTBULB MUST WIN. WE CAN’T HAVE BOTH EXIST. THE EXISTENCE OF ENERGY-SAVING BULBS THREATENS THE SANCTITY OF THE OLD ONES.

(And really, what kind of man wants to stick his dick in anything but a broken incandescent bulb?)

What else comes under the purview of the energy committee? Health care, duh.

“Within the Energy and Commerce committee we are ground zero in the effort to reestablish conservative principles in the Congress and by extension in the country,” Barton told the audience at Heritage today. Barton said the committee has primacy over health care reform, a power he intends to wield should he get control.

“I have advocated that we make Obamacare repeal House bill number one,” Barton said. “It will be the first priority of the Energy and Commerce committee.”

Joe Barton will beat back the Obama health care reforms and then bring in the insurance industry executives to apologize to them for briefly having to cover people who have actual serious medical conditions. [TPM]

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  • SecretMuslin

    Why bother with energy efficiency measures? The Republicans are doing their very very best to destroy the planet long before we run out of fossil fuels.

    • Maman

      Fast, inefficient and in the long run, expensive. The perfect metaphor for what Barton promises us.

      • MsQuasimodo

        The premature ejaculate of energy policy.

  • If you break off the base, you can put your dick in “the little, squiggly, pig-tailed ones” just as well. They are not as good for sticking up your ass, though. Which is why Republicans hate 'em.

    • Not_So_Much

      Naw, you just screw 'em in clockwise. Er, so I've read in Playboy…in the articles.

    • Negropolis

      Those squiggly, pig-tailed ones are pig-tailed for a reason. You could say that they are ribbed for your pleasure.

  • SecretMuslin

    And isn't Joe Barton the little, squiggly pig-tailed rep from Texas?

  • SorosBot

    Barton also wants to apologize to cancer for infecting it with uninsured Americans.

    • SmutBoffin

      Metastatic cancer cells are like the Teabaggers of the human body.

    • mavenmaven

      They are pretty good about withholding proper care (antifungals, new agents) from insured patients as well…

  • SmutBoffin

    But will there be more idiotic exchanges with Energy Sec. Chu? You betcha.

  • Funny. Only Joe thinks Joe is right.

    I guess if I had no scruples then I'd want BP and Exxon's hand shoved deep up my ass, too.

    • chickensmack

      Dude, I have no scruples, and yet I'd vehemently say no.

      • Tommmcattt

        I dunno…might come with a free oil change…

    • Lucidamente1

      Well at least that hand is well-lubed.

  • Sorry BP, our bad. I got this now (brushes shoulders).

  • SnarkoMarx

    He'd probably like to render the dead bodies of poor people into tallow for good old-fashioned conservative candles instead of light bulbs but then we'd have to feed them something first to fatten them up.

    • RedneckMuslin

      Conservatively, we go back to killing the whales for oil to light our lamps.

    • Cicada

      Vivoleum- it's the wave of the future!
      http://blogs.reuters.com/blog/archives/7086

    • HistoriCat

      You know who else rendered dead bodies for tallow …

    • Negropolis

      Light bulbs are for elitists. They illuminate stuff with a liberal bias.

  • EdFlintstone

    How many teatards does it take to screw in a new energy efficient light bulb…………….

    • SayItWithWookies

      Free o' dem?

  • chickensmack

    Barton shouldn't interfere with commerce like that… to defend the horse and buggy is bucolic and wistful, but those things shit on our streets. And I've never been bitten by a Chevy.

    Shame on you, Republican Barton, for getting in the way of squiggly-tailed commerce.

  • Beowoof

    Elections have consequences. And as a consequence of this election big oil is going to be fucking me in the ass a lot. With Joe Barton publicly fellating big oil on a daily basis, we're going back in time.

    • hagajim

      At least with Big Oil fucking you there will be some lube…or spit from Joe's mouth

  • Joe Barton hasn't been able to put his dick into anything for years. It is well known among Repub circles that he is a receiver only.

    If you can't stick your penis into his anus he will be happy if you substitute wads of hundred dollar bills.

    • x111e7thst

      If I send the Fit PT guy to see Rep Barton will he settle down some and act less annoying?

      • jus_wonderin

        We shouldn't do that to the FIT guy. Send Cheney.

    • forgracie

      "Does anyone need yet another politician
      caught with his pants down and money sticking in his hole?"
      Lou Reed

  • Lascauxcaveman

    I hope Joe Barton apologizes to me for that time I used way too gasoline to light a damp trash fire and singed all the hair off my face and arms.

    Waaaay too much gasoline.

    • glindsey1979

      Are you kidding? You should be apologizing to the gasoline! For shame.

    • chickensmack

      unrelated and tacky humor to follow:

      How do you make a cat sound like a dog?

      Pour alcohol on it, and hit it with a lit match.

      *—WHOOOF—*

    • JustPixelz

      Waaaay too much gasoline is not one of his conservative principles.

  • CapeClod

    Thank you, America, for giving this drunk little psychopath more power.

  • PsycWench

    Barton also apologized to Hurricane Katrina for its loss of wind speed while destroying parts of New Orleans.

    • elviouslyqueer

      Better: Barton apologized to the Corps of Engineers because New Orleans had the temerity to complain when the levees failed.

      • jus_wonderin

        Barton apologized to the storm surge for having all those pesky obstructions in its path…like homes and people, belongings and pet.

        Shame on you obstructions!!

        • Anthr_DCLwyr3d

          Barton apologized to the seismic plates for Haiti not having nicer stuff for them to knock down.

  • Blendergoathead

    A-hem… have any of *you* ever tried to smoke crack out of one of those goddamned energy-efficient squiggly lightbulbs?

    • Kidneys4Sale

      The mercury gives it a nice little flavor kick, and the CrayzeeStraw motif takes me right back to the schoolyard (where I was smoking crack out of an actual CrayzeeStraw, about 3 hours ago).

  • Native_of_SL_UT

    "..the Energy and Commerce committee we are ground zero in the effort to reestablish conservative principles in the Congress.."

    Oh great, now we won't be able to build any of them mosques near ground zero in DC either.

  • WarAndGee

    Lets just cut to the chase congressman, and build an energy policy on rendering the fat of dead poor folks and minorities.

    • glindsey1979

      Oh sure, that's all well and good, until Peak Fat hits.

  • AnAmericanInTO

    At first I was a little sheepish about moving out of the US to Socialist Canukistan (TM ManchuCandidate?). I was a little embarrassed about deserting my native country in the dark days of the Bush administration and that I was doing what only Alec Baldwin dreamed of.

    But, dammit, every story I read on Wonkette makes me more confident in my decision.

    Pardon me suckas, while I go get another free MRI.

    • jus_wonderin

      Hey now. We get free MREs in our Obama FEMA camps. So there!!!

    • anniegetyourfun

      American beer is better.

      There. I said it.

  • Not_So_Much

    This pig-faced little fuckwad as chairman doesn't bode well. One would hope that Joe publicly jerking off on anything that would help out the middle class will bite him and his party in the ass. But I presume Fox is already working on the spin that open pit tire-fires will be the only chance to save our economy…

  • forgracie

    Two light bulbs enter, one light bulb leaves….

  • MildMidwesterner

    I like Barton's predictability — Unlike most congressional members, everyone knows exactly which side Barton plays for.

  • DahBoner

    Don't be silly!

    The incandescent light bulb is a Commie plot by some librul named Edison.

    We need to get back to something much more basic:

    Fire.

    We are the party of fire! We think all Merikans should have the right to read by the light of a fire!!!!

    Our slogan is: If it's Flamable, Burn it!!!

    Let's start with GOP headquarters….

  • el_donaldo

    Ah, yes, Joe Barton. The moron who asked Secretary Chu where oil comes from is going to chair Energy and Commerce. It's hilarious just so long as I'm able to forget that we're basically screwed. Goodbye polar ice.

    • Ducksworthy

      Isn't oil petrified dinosaur pee pee? Are there hydrocarbons elsewhere in the galaxy, are they dinosaur pee pee too?

    • SorosBot

      And he thought he had stumped Chu by mentioning that there's evidence Alaska was once warmer, and Chu basically responed with "Well duh, it used to be further south, it moved by plate techtonics" and Barton came back with "huh you tink kontinents move? Hur hur."

  • GunTotingProgressive

    Today we are all inefficient tungsten filaments.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Joe Barton saying that Joe Barton is right must be Joe Barton's idea of corroboration. But tiny little ideas only need tiny little echo chambers, so Joe Barton must know what Joe Barton is talking about.

    • Ducksworthy

      Er…. or maybe not.

  • BarackMyWorld

    Dear Youth of America,

    See what happens when you don't vote? Assholes win elections.

    Sincerely,

    Barry

    • GOPCrusher

      I regret that I have but one thumbs up to give this comment.

    • GreasyRabbit75

      2008: Dear Youth of America,

      See what happens when you vote? Assholes win elections.

      Sincerely,

      Barry

      There, fixed that for ya.

      • BarackMyWorld

        I'm not going to argue that point, since Barton was also elected in 2008.

  • LionelHutzEsq

    I'm just waiting for Barton's crusade against catalytic converters. After all, what right does the Federal Government have to keep you from belching smoke out of your car. Plus they add thousands to the price of the car. They are clearly the product of a Socialist/Muslim mind.

    • GunTotingProgressive

      That's only until the palladium lobbyists arrive from Norilsk with bags of bullion.

  • bravo_sierra

    Only in Barton's America does being conservative about energy have nothing to do with conserving energy.

  • Anthr_DCLwyr3d

    Awesome. Because there are zero other priorities his committee could possibly have. Harness the hot air coming out of Barton's mouth and we would have energy independance in six months.

  • BarackMyWorld
  • Ducksworthy

    Yoo Barry. You can end global warming now. Just nuke Texas. All of it. The dust will block out the sunlight for years to come. Just make sure Joe Barton is home when you do it.

  • GravyBoyJohnson

    “I have advocated that we make Obamacare repeal House bill number one,” Barton said. “It will be the first priority of the Energy and Commerce committee.”

    damn straight! because both light bulbs and u.s. citizens should have short life spans.

    • Oblios_Cap

      That pierced my bitter alcoholic haze and made me laugh. Well written.

      Clearly, the intent is to save u.s citizens from falling victim to the nanny-state by being forced to accept entitlement monies and not just go bankrupt, like good little capitalists.

      And please explain to me again why rich people shouldn't have to pay estate taxes, but everybody else has to owe money when they die?

      • GravyBoyJohnson

        it's not that the poors should pay estate taxes, it's that they don't inherit anything anyway. so why even waste the time to make them exempt?

  • The light bulb could do a lot better.

  • mavenmaven

    These teabaggers with their 18th century clothes fetish apparently want our country to have air like 18th century London, nasty with coal smoke and toxic. Perhaps we can increase employment by bringing back chimney sweeps as well.

  • obfuscator2

    for the fucking life of me, i cannot understand people. who votes for his fucking idiot? his district must be small enough for him to personally fellate every registered voter twice a month.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Didn't Joe Barton star in "The Blob"? I seem to remember it was oil-colored.

    Who votes for these assholes?

  • MiniMencken

    Smokey Joe Barton is now a shot-caller in the House? OMFG.

  • On a related note, I am having a love affair with these Philips Halogena energy-saving incandescent bulbs. They have the light of an incandescent but use 30% less energy. I realize that they are probably too expensive for most of you poors, inasmuch as your cardboard boxes don't have electricity or nothin', but the rest of us elites have replaced the crappy CFLs in our 12-car garage and/or servants' quarters with them.

    • BarackMyWorld

      I'm sure your love for them is because of their energy saving value, but many others have probably discovered other wonderful uses for the curly glass part. Also.

  • nounverb911

    Is it cruel to pray for tornados to wipe his district off the face of the earth?

    • SorosBot

      He'd be sure to apologize to the tornado.

  • JustPixelz

    The Repubican approach to health care is "saying 'no' makes you feel better".

    If they repeal Health Insurance Reform, I hope they have the courage to then enact a Congressional Insurance Plan that only covers 85% of members at a time, randomly adding and dropping families periodically. Of course, the congressbots are healthier and wealthier than most Americans, so the impact will be softened. But I want to be a fly on the wall when Joe Barton is told his wife Terri* has treatable cancer and no coverage because of her pre-existing condition.
    _____________________
    * sorry Mrs Barton, I hope you are healthy. But please have a word with your husband on behalf of men and women who lose loved ones every fucking day because of a "weird feeling" that may cost their families hundreds, thousands or tens of thousands of dollar to diagnose or treat

  • Laughitoff22

    Maybe if she sends him a fetus in a jar she'll have a better chance next time.

  • fuflans

    i am still waiting for anything joe barton was right about.

    (sorry for the dangling participle).

    • PublicLuxury

      Barton will be pleased with anything that dangles

  • Laughitoff22

    Tungsten is a non-renewable resource. If we continue at the rate we've been going, we'll burn through it, sending the prices of bulbs up (we already have a shortage of it).

    He must have some kind of investments in that market/lobbyists in his pockets. If Americans make the switch to non-traditional bulbs, the market will go bust and we won't use up our resources.

    What a horrible fate!

    • GOPCrusher

      Heard on the radio this morning that another non-renewable resource, Helium, will be completely depleted in thirty years. I'm not sure if the Mylar Balloon Industry has started a lobbying effort for that, yet.

      • SorosBot

        Hey, the core of the sun's constantly making more helium, let's just set up some mines there!

        • glindsey1979

          Make sure we go at night, though.

  • PublicLuxury

    What's next? Marraige to lamps and old radios? Once they start marrying appliances there is no stopping it. Soon they'll be marrying propane tanks and gasoline pumps because of the extra long hose…

  • OneYieldRegular

    Q: How many Joe Bartons does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: That's not funny.

  • MinAgain

    What happened? Did he get a finger stuck in the coil while trying to change a light bulb?

    • SorosBot

      It's the GOP principal of "if liberals support this, I'm against it".

  • kenlayisalive

    Jesus. Joe Barton in charge of the Energy Committee?

    That is about as wise as putting fifty rabid badgers in charge of giving you a brazilian.

  • GOPCrusher

    I heard George Will bemoan the fact that the incandescent light bulb was being banned and thought it was much ado about nothing. Until I read an article about people smuggling toilets across the border from Canada in protest of the low-flow toilets that are what you purchase in America.
    Really? What kind of a stupid asshole is against spending less money for water and electricity because they view this as a government intrusion?
    Oh wait, the question answers itself.

    • BarackMyWorld

      When you're as full of shit as George Will, no normal toilet is enough.

  • chascates

    And don't get Joe started on those 'water-conserving' toilets! Now he has to flush 3 times!

    • hagajim

      And that's just to get the jizz from big oil out of his ass

  • finette_

    Rick Perry was complaining about CFL bulbs on the Daily Show the other night, too. It's the new "press 1 for English," as far as inconsequential things that inexplicably make conservatives apoplectic go.

    • BarackMyWorld

      I know, right? And yet….rampant, institutionalized racism, American children living in poverty, industrial pollution…? Couldn't be bothered.

  • Negropolis

    Barton also issued an apology, yesterday, to the Confederacy for the United States government being so tough on the South.

  • BarryOPotter

    Keep Big Gobmint's fingerz outta mah lite sockettez!

    Actually, now that I've give the matter a bit more thought, go for it Big G, finger-bang the shit out my light sockets. Just let me hit this switch…

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