Wasn’t that fun, two years ago when everyone flooded the streets in sheer happiness after Obama won? Haha, we don’t think that’s going to happen this year! Oh no, this year’s results are too devastating for Washingtonian libruls, who are probably just going to lock themselves in their homes, pout, and watch reruns of the 2008 election results in attempt to go back to happier times. Why don’t libruls want to watch the results in public this year? Isn’t it better to be with friends in a public location that serves alcohol on a night like this?

Elections are supposed to be like Christmas in D.C.! But not this year! Even if tonight’s elections mark The End of Times (which they don’t), DO NOT go through it alone. Although, there are basically NO election watch parties happening at bars in D.C. tonight. One Lounge is hosting a “Swing Voters” election-watch party, which they’re promoting as a party for those who just “want an excuse to party on a Tuesday, ” and a group of (sad) liberals are hosting a party at Hudson Restaurant/Lounge, where they will take solace in the rarely disclosed footnote from the Obama campaign: “Change is not a sprint, but a marathon.” Ah, yes. How could we forget? And these are basically your only organized election-watch bar party options, as compared to two years ago, unless you want to go to a party organized by a local candidate.

The restaurants/bars below all hosted election watch parties in 2008. We hope that they recognize that the sun will come up tomorrow no matter what happens, and that they should offer drink and food specials and have their teevees on the returns tonight so Washingtonians can drink together in sadness on this historic night.

When all is said and done, go treat yourself to a whoopie pie at the Capitol Hill Sweetgreen. The sugar should make everything all better, right?

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  • rocktonsam

    The teabag parties should be awesome. Betcha the panties will be flying off!

    • bagofmice

      You mean diapers/depends.

    • elpinche

      I can see and smell it now…size 56 post-KFC shit stained panties hanging off electric scooters, dentureless blowjobs, the smell of swamp ass, bad vagina and ben gay in the air of a Restored Republic.

    • freakishlywrong

      "Panties"??! Old, hateful asshats wear the big white undies, or nothin' at all. So, yes, please keep them on.

    • anniegetyourfun

      I've heard that the waxing trend has passed most of them by.

  • I'll be self-medicating in fly-over country with a bottle of gin and a box of motion sickness pills.

    • jus_wonderin

      Same here, 'cept Vodka and no pills.

  • forgracie

    Swing voters? Growl….. Hey baby, check out my hanging chad….

  • Lascauxcaveman

    On a school night? I'll be in bed by 9pm.

  • samsuncle

    I want my country back!!!! Circa 2008!!

  • Crank_Tango

    is there any other topic we could amuse ourselves with today besides this shit?

    • My_pal_HAL

      Oh, cheer up. You guys are about to elect Mr. Boner as leader of your lower house, if you get what I mean.

      • Crank_Tango

        You must have me confused with someone else–I ain't votin for no mr boners for no lower nothin!

  • JMPEsq

    It occurs to me that, as the teabaggers are mostly rural old white people, they'll be holding their victory parties at some watering hole out in the middle of nowhere they can only get to and from by driving, so therefore after tonight we may have less of them to deal with.

    Rural Wonketters: stay off the roads tonight!

  • x111e7thst

    When Ronnie Raygun got elected I was working for a mob trucking company in what was still called Hell's Kitchen. Opium was easy to come by and did much to ease me through that very difficult period. Now I am forced to confront the electoral churn in this once great nation with my consciousness unaltered AND IT HURTS.

    • JMPEsq

      When Reagan got elected I eased the pain by asking for my ba-ba.

    • kenlayisalive

      Yes, but where do we get opium in todays NYC? That's the question.

      Because tonight, around 10pm when I find out Rent is still going to be To Damn High for the next few years – I want to blow my rent money on opium is what I'm getting at.

      • x111e7thst

        Where? That is indeed the question. And if I figure it out I will let you know.

    • GOPCrusher

      Actually knew someone who turned in their citizenship when Ronnie Raygun was elected President and moved to Canada.
      Sounds like a better idea every day.

  • metamarcisf

    What about that story in the Post: "Supreme Court to Hear Case Banning Sale of Video Games to Miners"? And this on the same day that the Times has a Feature on one of those trapped Chileans who is going to run in the marathon. Ironic, like rain on your wedding day

    • Crank_Tango

      I shudder to think what those chilean fellers would have done if they didn't have access to space invaders.

    • BarryOPotter

      Ironic, like rain on your wedding day
      Or like when that 98 year old dude won the lottery and died the next day. How fucking ironic was that?! Oh, not very? You sure?

  • Badonkadonkette

    I'll be at home looking at porn. This serves two purposes. First, it will alleviate the crushing sense of depression I'm bound to feel as 60% of my fellow citizens vote to turn back to the policies that played out from January 1995 – January 2009, and which caused – and will cause – massive downturns in the economy, increasingly disproportionate wealth distribution, and overall precipitous American decline. Second, who knows what will become of my beloved internet porn after tonight, as I'm pretty sure that the wingnuts who will take over Congress next year will agree on nothing but that smaller Government = a Government that only takes away your right to abortion, gay marriage, and internet porn.

    • GuyClinch

      Worse, they won't take away porn, but after Paladino loses, Boehner and Vitter will make him Porn Czar, and we'll only get to see what he/they like, so expect lots of orange, diapered horses.

      • anniegetyourfun

        Well, now that I know that HE likes it, it sort of ruins it for me.

  • SayItWithWookies

    I will be celebrating in whatever gutter or dumpster will have me. Also, here's something a little inspiring that I wish I'd seen at least a few days ago:

  • Mumbletypeg

    Busboys & Poets' events page indicates it has canceled Open Mic Poetry Night for the evening, which is a shame or else I'd BE THERE with Johnny Cash liner notes in hand.

  • Wadisay

    Tomorrow at this time it will be official: America's best days are behind her.

    • chicken_thief

      Maybe I'm just the eternal optimist, but I have this vision of The Orange Man and Mr. Turkey Neck getting together with the freshman crop in January, 2011 and laying the law down. Something along the lines of: "shut the fuck up, idiot. We were only saying that shit because the Dem's were in control. Now we actually have to do something and that something will NOT be privatizing Social Security, proposing to repeal any Amendments, and/or posting "WWJD" on every flat surface of the country."

  • fatoots

    I'm working all evening until 10:30 PM EDT.

    Hey, if teh Wonkette live blogs I can participate!

    • elpinche

      I'll be "pulling my bootstraps" until 8:30 pm and then drinking like it's Friday night. I'm sick of the polls and election predictions at this point.

  • June_Cleaver2.0

    I'm alternating with looking at Ghost Whisperer reruns and Criminal Minds, and reading the angry comments over on the New Republic.

  • chicken_thief

    There are fewer bashes this election cycle because Sharrrrrron (just to ensure I have enough "r's" in there) Angle and her ilk don't do unscripted public events – someone might ask her a question. Also.

  • Badonkadonkette

    I for one feel a sense of pride knowing that America is going to elect its first Oompa Loompa Speaker of the House.

    Yes we can, America. Yes we can.

    • glindsey1979

      Like a good Chicagoan, I would upvote you a hundred times if I could.

  • brendanwynn

    It's going to suck when Christine O'Donnell wins, on account of the Palin/O'Donnell 2012.

    • Naked_Bunny

      Fortunately, we still have Michelle Bachmann.

      • brendanwynn

        You think They'll let Michelle take care of Christine's seat too, lest some grimey dumbocrat snatches it up, for socialism??

      • brendanwynn

        Do you they will let Michelle take care of Christine's seat, so no dumbocrats will snatch it, for socialism, once Christine is VPOTUS?

  • CapeClod

    This evening I plan on failing in my commitment not to drink during the work week, (again.)

  • PresBeeblebrox

    HUR HUR HUR, the LIE-burals are going to go cry into their ghey French cocktails after the DEMON-CRAPS lose every single race for House, Senate, Governor, and state house across the entire country, forever.

    For my part, I think I'm going to crack open that bottle of ether I've been saving for a special occasion.

    • Naked_Bunny

      Everyone knows that the only elections that count are the ones where you vote for president.

  • Naked_Bunny

    America will soon regret electing John Boehner president.

  • Ducksworthy

    Cheer up. We will no longer be trying to defeat the Taliban. We'll have joined them.

    • HistoriCat

      So does that mean we can wrap up this whole Afghanistan thing?

  • Might I suggest, however, that if you run across any celebratory cross burnings or storefront window shatterings, populated by various motley shit-faced inebriated individuals, you might want to scope out the potential for hate-fucking, incidences of which could hit record highs by late evening.

  • elviouslyqueer

    I'm in Haley Barbour country, so naturally I'll be cowering under the bed with all the lights off, and praying that the mob won't figure out where I live.*

    *Note to self: park elitist faggy liberal Swedish car somewhere inconspicuous, like Canada.

    • My_pal_HAL

      Uh, we got our own proto-Teabag Prime Minisdick. Sorry.

  • elpinche

    I think of it this way….my hump of hate will be filled tonight. This means I'm back to post-2008,PUMA era level of uber mean-spirited snark.

  • MistaEko

    Liberals: Coming together everywhere where it doesn't count.

    /and YOU can join me and Miz Eko in our apartment as we watch "The Walking Dead" premiere and pretend it's a newsreel from the not-too-distant future and get drunk on some wine from Paso Robles!

  • anniegetyourfun

    Haha! That WAS fun, that night in 2008. If I recall correctly, that was also the first night that my fiance (then boyfriend) and I confessed our love to one another!

    Perhaps tonight we can break off the engagement and spend the evening sobbing quietly in different rooms. You know, jut to complete the mood.

  • My_pal_HAL

    Hey, don't worry. Go out, have fun. Just make sure there is a vomitorium in the establishment you will be patronizing.

    • glindsey1979

      Given how fast we're resembling the fall of the Roman Empire, I'm sure they will be standard fixtures in bars before long.

  • xsluggo

    Johny Rio and Rotten Rita
    you’ll never see those faces again

  • Barrelhse

    I'm ready for anything, with a quarter of Jack the Ripper.

  • HedonismBot

    Hey D.C.! Sorry for sending all our teabag-hillbilly-bumpkin-sheep fuckers to hick up your nice cosmopolitan city.
    Flyover country

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