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Glenn Beck University grad: double-major in Religious Studies and Hyperbole ScienceProminent theologian Glenn Beck has been busy hanging streamers and making his favorite Metamucil-infused punch in preparation for this weekend’s “Restoring Honor” rally, where he and Ted Nugent will reclaim the civil rights movement from the Ghost of Martin Luther King Jr. and riddle it with bullets. Beck says his festival is going to be “the Woodstock of the next generation,” as well as “the anti-Woodstock.” He’s also calling the event an “American miracle,” which sounds more credible than the Woodstock stuff given Beck’s an expert on religion. Speaking of which, Beck recently said on his teevee program that Obama’s not a muslin after all, but some kind of weirdo outsider Christian. Or maybe not a Christian at all?

Beck played an old Betamax of Obama — a proclaimed United Church of Christ member — saying, “My individual salvation is not going to come about without a collective salvation for the country.” According to Beck, this is “not a Christian belief” but “liberation theology,” which began with the Catholic churches in Latin America mid-last century, and is therefore rooted in Christianity, but is also strongly infused with Marxism-Communism, and is therefore also Satanic.

Beck further explained Obama’s religious beliefs:

President Obama is not a Muslim. I’m taking his word that he is a Christian. But here’s where it falls apart for many Americans: It’s a Christianity that most Americans just don’t recognize.

[ . . .]

You see, it’s all about victims and victim-hood; oppressors and the oppressed; reparations, not repentance; collectivism, not individual salvation.

I don’t know what that is, other than it’s not Muslim, it’s not Christian. It’s a perversion of the gospel of Jesus Christ as most Christians know it.

You follow?

  • Obama is not Muslim.
  • Obama is a Christian.
  • Obama doesn’t talk like a Christian, though, so he’s not really Christian.

This exciting line of thinking seems to be gaining traction among folks on the right side of life. American Spectator contributor George Neumayr, for example, got up super-early this morning to write about how Obama is “a Relativist, Wrapped in a Muslim, Inside an Agnostic” — a description that reminds your Wonkette of her favorite snack (a tofu dog, wrapped in fakin’ bacon, inside a whole-wheat bun). Says Neumayr:

But perhaps he can be clinically described as a practicing agnostic, with deep roots in and sympathy for Islam, who views his now-professed, politically necessary religion with barely concealed disdain while allowing himself from time to time bursts of syncretistic sophistry and quasi-religious uplift. (OK, so did everybody else have to look up the word “syncretistic” in their dictionaries? Come on, be honest.)

Obama is more afraid of Glenn Beck’s Christian friends than of Osama bin Lambada’s radical-Islamic and Latin American liberation theologist friends, Neumayr says, which is why he is waging a culture war against Christianity along with film actor Tom Hanks (?). Luckily, America has folks like Beck and his pals fighting back to defeat Obama and take back the civil rights and the culture and our freedom, so that next year we can all beat each other up at next year’s anti-Woodstockian “Restoring Honor Rally.” [Media Matters for America/Glenn Beck Show/American Spectator]

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88 COMMENTS

  1. Obama ain’t like proper Christians that dig up gold plates in their backyards and read them out of a hat or anything. That Obama just caint be trusted, that’s all. How do I know? I just know, that’s all.

  2. Syncretistic, hell. I don’t even know what sophistry is, and I read Zen and the fucking Art of Motorcycle Maintenance. Twice.

    I think it’s something like being a smartass, though.

  3. [re=646338]Baldar T Flagass[/re]: Snap!

    I believe it was Nietzsche who said “In truth, there has only been ONE Christian, and he died on the cross.”

  4. [re=646354]V572625694[/re]: Well, first he was a community organizer, then a convicted criminal. I’m pretty certain most of these so called Christians wouldn’t be seen anywhere near him.

  5. He’s a brown Christian, which we all know, isn’t really, y’know Christian. He’s, y’know, the other kind of Christian. Y’know?

  6. [re=646357]Troubledog[/re]: I’d just like a little help restoring the old Chevy that’s been sitting in my garage since college.

  7. Beck is on a never-ending quest to pretend to search for the overarching framework that President Obama and his countless shadowy tentacles of power are driving America towards. Because it can’t possibly be his goal to employ people, restore our government’s scrapped regulatory authority, stabilize the markets and bring reason to our foreign and domestic policies — no, that’s exactly what they’d want you to think, isn’t it? It has to be something much more sinister. And of course he’s never going to get to the bottom of it — why kill the goose that lays the golden egg, especially when he’s got nothing? It’s really no different from watching a couple of six-year-olds draw a treasure map and then spend the rest of the day digging holes in the backyard trying to find something they know isn’t there.

  8. Beck’s zombies are already here – I saw an extremely large white dude on the subway this morning wearing an American flag t-shit and a cowboy hat. Also, interestingly, there were way more security people in the stations than usual.

  9. Obama should just take a beliefnet quiz & put this whole thing to rest once & for all?

    I’m betting that he’d come up as a Unitarian Universalist

  10. [re=646371]m_supercomputer[/re]: I never thought I’d be “for” napalming the National Mall, but I’ve been rethinking a lot of my previously held beliefs recently…

  11. It’s the anti-Woodstock? Are they going to have more of that awesome conservative rap music?

    I read Ayn Rand
    When I’m on the can
    I heard Glenn Beck
    Gonna make a stand

    Going down to D.C., D.C.
    Gonna take the Green Line
    Gonna take the Yellow Line
    Hey yo, I don’t think so

  12. How can Beck’s event be “the Woodstock for the next generation” since none of them are born yet?

    In any event, if that’s true, they are really getting a raw deal.

  13. Can ANYONE explain to me how something “all about victims and victim-hood; oppressors and the oppressed” is impossible to relate to for a group of people whose ideologies and groupings are based on fantasies of being persecuted by anyone remotely from them?

  14. The pernicious religious subtext befouling every single facet of moden American political discourse makes me want to literally pierce my fucking side with a goddamn Leatherman tool.

  15. “You see, it’s all about victims and victim-hood; oppressors and the oppressed; reparations, not repentance; collectivism, not individual salvation.”

    I remember something I heard when I was a kid about feeding the hungry, clothing the naking, housing the homeless, giving comfort to prisoners, righting injustice, oh, and loving your neighbor as yourself.

    I think Beck’s copy of the Bible has some pages missing. Maybe he got it at a factory outlet.

  16. I’m sure that trying to reason with Glenn Beck isn’t that different than trying to explain to a 4-year-old why they can’t have ice cream for dinner, but has anyone TRIED reasoning with him? He wasn’t nearly this crazy when he worked for CNN two short years ago.

  17. Thank God someone is finally standing up for the real repressed minority in this country, white men.

    And, if believing that you should work to achieve everyone in your communities salvation makes you satanic, what does wearing funny underwear in the name of God do? Even if that is not blaspheme, what is it when you poop your pants?

    [re=646354]V572625694[/re]: And didn’t he die collectively for all our sins, or is he going to have to die individually for each persons sins? Dear God, theology is tricky. And don’t even start me with the Sermon on the Mount. Blessed is the peace maker. Or Cheese Maker…, Or whatever.

  18. God please for once can you please smite the ones who need smiting. You know these jerks who keep being pretenders to your word. You can go old school style. have a pit open up at their rally while they worship their golden beck calf. everyone will be cool with it i know i would be.

  19. [re=646410]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: Yeah, well, what Jesus quietly fails to appreciate is
    that it’s the meek who’re the problem.

  20. [re=646338]Baldar T Flagass[/re]: ditto. Except finding some invisible gold tablets the thetans left in your Elmira New York backyard is exactly the kind of Christianity Americans recognize. Christianity is like pornography: You know it when you see it.

  21. [re=646338]Baldar T Flagass[/re]: ““It’s a Christianity that most Americans just don’t recognize.”

    Like following the example of Jesus?

  22. [re=646379]finallyhappy[/re]: Nietzsche was Jewish? :)
    Of course, Nietzsche would have had a field day with today’s “Christianity” as professed by the Right, with its vile ressentiment. They advocate religion, politics, and culture in the crass provincial way one roots for one’s team in a football game.

  23. As most of the attendees at the gathering of the Beckaloos are going to be even older than the ancient original Woodstock mudfuckers are now, it’s kind of the opposite of being “of the next generation”.

  24. Isn’t Liberation Theology the inspiration for a bunch of Catholic Priests and Nuns to fight against colonialism and American-backed dictators and risking life and limb to go help poor people? And they did so without holding any sort of show on cable begging for money or saying bad things about gay people? Those people sucked.

  25. Love the George “Weird Al” Neumayr parody of Winston Churchill, a Cro-Magnon wingnut who was in the “Hell hath no fury” category after the war when Joe Stalin dumped him and took Chairman Mao to the prom. Winnie — everybody’s favorite brandy-soaked imperialist back then — had said in 1939 that Joe’s Russia was “a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma.” Lord knows, Weird Al had to change that, because you wouldn’t want to be the guy to call Barack Obama “an enigma,” now, wouldja? Sounds a little too close to the N-word for comfort! Call him Muslim, atheist, lazy, corrupt, alien or communist, but Gosh forbid that he be an enigma!

  26. About 400,000 people with those weird World Cup horns should go down to the Lincoln Memorial this Saturday, and continuouly blow those things as loud as they can for the entire duration of this dumb, stupid gathering of dumb, stupid people, until all of the dumb, stupid people realize that they are insane psychos who are not in line with most people on this planet, and they are not in line with most people in the United States of America, and it is these idiots who cause more problems and more division and more arguments in this country than anyone else.

    There is no room in 2010 for Glenn Beck, Sarah Palin, Ted Nugent, or any of their followers. They are living in a fantasy world that has absolutely nothing, zilch, nada, to do with most people and they have nothing to do with reality.

    They are idiots, all of them. Just American idiots.

  27. [re=646439]bago[/re]: One is a group of angry, loud, crazed, white, bigoted, trashy, mostly drunk, potentially violent young people in clown makeup; the other is a group of angry, loud, crazed, white, bigoted, trashy, mostly drunk, potentially violent old people with the women in clown makeup.

  28. [re=646467]JMP[/re]: I think the old phrase “Red White & Blue” will be at work here: All Redneck, All White, & All Drinking Blue Ribbon.” Alternately, all the women will probably have blue hair.

  29. This is rich coming from a guy whose religion was founded by a charlatan who pretended to translate Egyptian before anyone else. Especially since his laughable translations are still available for the mockery. Oh, that and he believes his 72 real wives are waiting for him on planet Kolob when he dies. He can’t get into heaven without those wives. (I wish I were joking about ANY of this…)

  30. “George Neumayr, for example, got up super-early this morning to write about how Obama is “a Relativist, Wrapped in a Muslim, Inside an Agnostic”

    Turducken???

  31. Beck is a Mormon, wrapped in a flag, wrapped in a doughy white bread bun, then dipped in a chicken shit batter and deep fat fried.

  32. [re=646371]m_supercomputer[/re]: All Washington DC-type Wonketteers need to start taking and posting photos of these asshats for the rest of us. Thanks. Also.

  33. But here’s where it falls apart for many Americans: It’s a Christianity that most Americans just don’t recognize…

    I don’t know what that is, other than it’s not Muslim, it’s not Christian. It’s a perversion of the gospel of Jesus Christ as most Christians know it.

    The magic spectacles and golden plates. “Reformed Egyptian,” planet Kolob, Jesus and Satan brothers, baptism of the dead, magic underoos, the native peoples of America as “the lost tribes of Israel,” spirit children…

    Does Beck really want to start criticizing weirdo versions of “Christianity” that most Americans just don’t recognize?

  34. You see, it’s all about victims and victim-hood; oppressors and the oppressed; reparations, not repentance; collectivism, not individual salvation.

    I don’t know what that is, other than it’s not Muslim, it’s not Christian. It’s a perversion of the gospel of Jesus Christ as most Christians know it.

    Expert use of the “reparations” dogwhistle once again, but this got me worried, so I decided to check my bible real quickly:

    “All these I have kept,” the young man said. “What do I still lack?” Jesus answered, “If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.” When the young man heard this, he went away sad, because he had great wealth. Then Jesus said to his disciples, “I tell you the truth, it is hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.”

    All the believers were one in heart and mind. No one claimed that any of his possessions was his own, but they shared everything they had. 33With great power the apostles continued to testify to the resurrection of the Lord Jesus, and much grace was upon them all. There were no needy persons among them. For from time to time those who owned lands or houses sold them, brought the money from the sales and put it at the apostles’ feet, and it was distributed to anyone as he had need.

    Oh, and then there’s oppression.

    GODDAMN IT, NOBAMA YOU STEALTH SEEKRIT MUSLIN HOW DID YOU MANAGE TO SNEAK INTO MY HOUSE AND EDIT MY BIBLE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP.

  35. Just to be clear, those are two separate passages, one from Mark, (though Matthew and Luke have functionally identical versions) and the other from Acts, where the early Christians were living in a goddamned hippie commune, for chrissakes (literally). But, then again, what does the Bible have to do with Christianity, anyway?

  36. [re=646338]Baldar T Flagass[/re]: Beat me to it (by a day) but to be fair, most Amerikkans don’t recognize Moronism as christianity because its only been a christian religion for about 30 years. I believe that about when the Supreme Elder or Wizard or whatever he is in S.L.U.T. decided his minions should recognize the bible as a holy book almost as good as the book of Moron. (named after Moroni who stands atop the dome in S.L.U.T. .

  37. Mr. Beck is an entertainer. It’s all an act. Those who in attendance who believe that shit he says are the ones who need psychiatric help. Lots of it.

  38. [re=646543]mumblyjoe[/re]: But, then again, what does the Bible have to do with Christianity, anyway?

    You just gotta stick to the smitey parts.

  39. “Practicing agnostic?” WTF does agnostic practice involve? They don’t have a church. They don’t have dietary laws. They don’t have revealed commandments to follow. There’s no pilgramage to any holy place. There’s no one to pray to (unless they just happen to feel like talking to someone, maybe no one, up there). That shit’s just irrelavent. When you don’t have any beliefs about higher beings telling you how you should spend your time THERE IS NO religious practice.
    And then he whacks off about using “syncretistic” in a sentence.
    “Practicing agnostic”… Just call him a bullshitting heathen or Satan.

  40. There is double irony in Mormon Glen asserting that Obama’s Christianity is faky.

    1. Many other Christian sects believe that Mormons are not “real” Christians.

    2. A fundamental theological underpinning of Mormonism is that all other versions of Christianity are wrong, and very probably evil deceptions. This is not widely broadcast (Mormons are still heavily outnumbered), but if you read the Book of Mormon and the POGP and the D&C, it is very obvious.

  41. Also:

    (OK, so did everybody else have to look up the word “syncretistic” in their dictionaries? Come on, be honest.)

    No, because we are not idiots who are also dickheads.

    FWIW, I do agree with the basic notion that Obama is probably a Christian by political expediency, as a great number of 20th-century presidents (most of the ones alive during my lifetime, in fact: Nixon, Reagan, Clinton, probably Bush the Greater) were, and many more looking back over history were. Of course, that professing a Christian faith is a necessary element of a political career of any note today, in 2010, because multicultralism and “syncretism” are considered vices, and this whole article, which could be summarized as “okay, well maybe he’s not a muslim, but he’s still basically a Unitarian”, somehow amounts to an effective smear, makes me weep for the state of our supposedly pluralistic, multicultural society, rather than causing me to conclude as this article does, that Obama’s a bad person for not being superstitious enough. So maybe I’m just not the target audience, or something.

  42. The fact that Glenn Beck and his Merry Band of Tea Tards believe that they are going to “take back the civil rights movement” deserves more facepalm.

  43. That Blingee is a masterful work of art and should be hanging at MOMA, or possibly the Smithsonian.

    For me, Wonkette is all about the Blingees.

  44. Why are the two lads from the Twilight Saga films part of this Blingee? I don’t think that they would want any kind of association with this hate monger, Beck.

  45. [re=646531]mumblyjoe[/re]: Look, once you get past the Parable of the Talents, which is Jebus’s mandate for investment banking, these guys don’t have a lot of use for the gospels anyway; a few do like to quote that “I come not to bring peace, but to bring a sword” bit because it’s so much more badass than feeding the hungry and clothing the naked, which is for wimps.

  46. [re=646622]mumblyjoe[/re]: Aw, hell, I looked it up, but please show some respect. From now on I would appreciate it if you would please address me as MS. Idiot-Dickhead. Thank you.

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